The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

Mental health

The Experience of Being a Single Mom and Going it Solo during COVID-19

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The following was written on April 13, 2020, as an FYI, and edited here for publishing clarity. Three plus weeks later, the feelings are pretty much status quo, although I’ve settled into more of a routine, which helps. Like many, I imagine I’d be in a state of acute despair without Governor Cuomo’s daily briefings or summaries.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I simply wish to bear witness to my personal experience as a Single American, Empty Nest mom staying home solo and doing my best to follow the new COVID-19 rules. 

My 23-year-old son lived with me for Month 1 of ‘all this.’ Renewed bonds, his humor, mine too, all helped ease the transition to this ‘new way.’  I loved having him here, in fact, after two plus years since starting empty nest in earnest (that is, post his graduation from college when he moved into the city permanently). 

It may appear at first glance that I rescued him bringing him home to the burbs after he developed mild symptoms, got diagnosed as positive with COVID-19, and recovered here, but I know the truth now.

A certain household structure of cooking and meal preparation is comforting and calming. Permission to and the ability to take care of a loved one are absolute gifts, too.

Please never take any of that for granted, ever, not for a minute.

So…

This one is for all the single people living in what boils down to, what is amounting to, a stretch of house arrest.

But ok, without the ankle bracelet.

Yes, social media and FaceTime calls with kids, family and special friends help. It has been especially heartening to keep up with my daughter almost daily as I had been feeling we had grown apart. She has taught herself new skills, and I’m planning on blaring about them soon too, if she’ll let me.

Yes, absolutely, a Zoom meeting or the sometimes seemingly infinite number of fitness or meditation classes and musicians and entertainers and political/educational forums online breaks things up and absolutely does help with motivation or to keep spirits up.

I’d have been lost for a stretch without private stretching/exercise sessions with a therapist from New Castle Physical Therapy for a back-related issue.

Laughter has been key to so many getting through this, so trust me that all the funny online posts in goofy Facebook groups or from all the self styled comedians out there are amazing lifelines for me, too.

I marvel at all the ingenuity and entrepreneurship and ponder the transforming future of where we will all land in the realm of real time versus virtual time. 

Still.. I spend a lot of time online for my work, so I look forward to getting off line… so there’s that. Ultimately, online communication is not like having humans in proximity in your home-whether it’s hearing the sound of a voice or seeing the gleam in someone’s eye. If you are a people person, which I am, by and large, the absence of  ‘actual’ time together is felt deeply.

If you don’t own a pet, which I don’t anymore (a long story for another day, perhaps), yes, it’s far worse than that.

I hear a lot: “I can’t imagine not having my dog through this (or dogs, or cat, or cats).”

Well, imagine it. Many single people do not have pets for a variety of reasons. At this juncture, I don’t have a pet. Not even a fish. And that is that, too. I am not looking for leads on getting a pet, so please, dear reader, do not go there. It actually hurts for you to. I’m fully aware of the options, and let’s just say, it’s complicated.

For me, all I know is that today is Day 10 of alone during COVID-19. For many, it’s well into the 20s, 30s or even 40 plus days. I contemplate the continued impact of long-term isolation. 

Whether it’s your kid’s groan when you tell him to get back to his homework, or your spouse or significant other yelling out, “What’s for dinner?”, please don’t underestimate the value and comfort of a voice that’s in proximity to you. I wonder: Will I settle into isolation? Will it get easier? Harder? Impossible to bear?

I am a person who considers my mental health as intact, stable as she goes. But anxiety is taking hold now, and I’m keeping a variety of toll-free numbers handy. 

The days are much easier than the nights. I am intensely grateful to live where there are many neighbors in proximity, at least. I take my near daily walk for the people and pet visuals, for the dose of Vitamin D, too. The sun sustains me like nothing else. I appreciate even a wave from six feet away at the occasional neighbor, or even someone’s puppy or dog wagging its tail. 

Neighbors’ eyes sparkle and even the wrinkles surrounding them ‘speak’ to me from above the bridge of a nose and circumference of a mask. If they are not wearing masks, I keep my distance, wave anyway, and pray they simply stay safe, too. 

I like getting into my car for the reminder of the old normal as I set about to perform only the most necessary errands. I gratefully take in the ‘hum’ and ‘sounds’ of the market, or at the pharmacy, too. Those fill the soul some, too.

When night falls, a certain fear takes hold, a sense of vulnerability that’s hard to explain. Maybe it’s when all these feelings of aloneness peak. Watching TV, binge watching especially, helps a good deal. I mourn the end of any good series! When I turn the net and TV off, though, it’s me again, and… the pockets of dark space. I’ll slog through some darkness, contemplate the dishes in the sink, but usually choose to leave them for the morning. I try to reduce the night hours by going to sleep as early as possible. Sleep is a bit of a messy affair, too, also the subject of a future post. 

I won’t venture too much here into the lack of touch or intimacy and the total weirdness of virtual dating, or rather, foregoing virtual dating, for the most part.  For reasons also best left to another column, perhaps, I will say I don’t feel this is the time to embark on new romance, either. For personal reasons, I wasn’t necessarily ready for new romance before COVID-19, and I don’t believe that has changed. If anything, those feelings are exacerbated. Still, I’ve always been in the never say never school, too. 

I don’t want pity, but compassion and understanding are great. I don’t need advice or suggestions either. Or maybe I do. I don’t know.

I understand my feelings are unique too, and not universal.  An old friend, similarly alone, is not experiencing it this way at all, and even expressed a comfort level with the isolation, so go figure. She describes herself as perhaps always having been an introvert and that somehow ‘all this’ is suiting her.  I would describe myself as more of an extrovert (although a shy one, too, in a way, as contradictory as that may sound), so perhaps we are hit a bit harder. Then again, I always loved my alone time, too, but by design. And choice. So, again, I don’t know.

I am not writing this to compare pain and painful situations. The tragedy is devastating and on some days, beyond all comprehension. The disease has hit terribly hard taking tens of thousands of lives across the country, hundreds of thousands across the world, and threatening the health of family members, roommates, as it devastates nursing home residences, in particular. Prison populations have also been horribly impacted. And so on.  Solo in my otherwise comfortable suburban pad is certainly also better than any domestically violent situation in any socio-economic circumstance.

And yet, what I want to convey, is that pain is relative, and that the pain here is real for me, too.

Human beings are largely social creatures. Our souls are tested, and I believe shrink in any prolonged isolation. I want to erase the stigma too that anyone weathering this solo is similarly feeling. I know that I’m not alone with these feelings, and that they are widespread.

And yes, yes. I am still counting my blessings to be alive and healthy. I was never going to even share these words as I worry  they may sound somewhat self indulgent or morose. But then again, if a pandemic is not the time to feel those things too, then I don’t know what is. You are welcome to search elsewhere for inspiring and uplifting right now.  I have tried to keep busy sharing all the drama and news I possibly can through this press on a most limited budget. I have plenty of work to do to make sure my 17-year-old business survives COVID-19.  I’ll overshare too that it can feel like wading through molasses. I go through all the steps I’m advised to take as a small business and wait for those to bear fruit.  And wait.  I have rooms and a garage I promised myself I could declutter now, but somehow, paralyzed to, since that feels like the ultimate solo punishment.

I write this simply to self-express (that helps me, so forgive me if my oversharing causes you any discomfort). Finally, I share also to express that I do feel empathy for everyone weathering this storm. My heart goes out to all of you, to those single and to those in semi full or very full houses (maybe we can trade places for a day?) and all your own unique challenges.  And yes, I must believe that we too can get through this, #AloneTogether, and #NewYorkTough. Or when you’re not feeling so tough sometimes, too. 

 

Understanding Life After Suicide

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(L-R): Sean A. Mayer and Dr. Ashton

Dr. Jennifer Ashton from ABC News & GMA Shares her Experiences with Mental Health and Suicide at the Chappaqua Performing Arts Center

We need to start looking at mental health and mental illness no differently than we look at physical conditions.

On Sept 26th, Dr. Jennifer Ashton, Ob-Gyn, ABC News Chief Medical Correspondent and Good Morning America (GMA) Medical Correspondent, met with members of our community to discuss her recently released book Life After Suicide: Finding Courage, Comfort & Community After Unthinkable Loss.

Westchester Mental Health Association (MHA) Board Member and mental health advocate Sean A. Mayer, who lost his brother to suicide several years ago, joined Dr. Ashton for this discussion; the latest in an ongoing series MHA has developed to educate the public about mental health.

The loss of a loved one to mental illness leaves unimaginable devastation. Ashton experienced this loss first hand in 2017. She pointed out that same year, over 47,000 Americans died by suicide. It is estimated that for every person who dies by suicide 135 people are directly affected. That means over 6 million people are impacted every year. Despite the enormity of this issue, she still felt very much alone.

Ashton and Mayer spoke of sadness, anger, guilt and how one is never prepared for suicide. Ashton’s world seemed to fall apart; she used the metaphor of a plate shattering to describe how she had felt. She was baffled by questions like: What did I miss? Was this my fault? She recalled others remarking: How could this happen; everything looked perfect? What is important to realize is that mental illness and suicide are complex issues and often not a reflection of what is seen on the outside.

As a survivor of suicide, the last thing Ashton wanted to do was to defend the father of her children during this difficult time. Suicide is misunderstood; many think of it as cowardice and selfish. She pointed out that it takes the antithesis of cowardice to take your own life. People who have attempted suicide explain that they were doing it for other people. They feel that they are a burden; that those they love would be better off without them. Mayer offered a helpful explanation that what people don’t realize is that the victim just wants the pain to end. People can’t wrap their brains around that, but it’s not selfish.

(L-R): Brian Halloran, Dr. Ashton & Jolina Halloran
Photos courtesy of Break the Hold Foundation
Ashton was proud of the emotional maturity with which her children viewed their father’s death. Her children felt their dad “had a disease like cancer and it killed him. They wouldn’t be angry with someone who died of cancer so how could they be angry with him?” They did not go down the “anger road,” and so she didn’t either. “When you think of mental illness as an illness no different than cancer, it certainly reframes it.”

Mental health and wellness should be looked at with equal importance to physical disease. Ashton referred to the phrase “check up from the neck up” and asked the audience when the last time their health provider inquired about their mental wellness? Similarly, she wonders how often friends and family inquire? “Until we (ask these questions) we are not going to accomplish as much in terms of prevention as we need to, to save people’s lives.” Ashton warns.

“If you have high blood pressure most people don’t have a problem taking a pill or going on a behavioral regiment to treat that. If you feel anxious, depressed or hopeless, there is help available… but we don’t ask for it…. Why? Because we look at it as a weakness. That must change.

We need to look at mental illness like depression and anxiety no differently than cancer or heart disease.”

Our Youth at Risk

Children, teenagers and young adults have poorly developed frontal lobes in their brains; judgement is not their strong suit. Hence, pediatric and adolescent suicides tend to be impulsive whereas adult suicide is often more methodical. Not only do children and teens have a biological explanation for their impulsivity but they also do not have the life experience to provide context to emotional distress. In addition, social media has opened a huge can of worms for the younger generation; cyberbullying is a big issue. We live in an increasingly complicated world. Awareness and support for those of all ages is needed now more than ever.

The strategy of not talking about suicide so the kids don’t find out about it is about as effective as not talking about sex and substance abuse. It’s not going to work to sweep this under the rug.

Lessons in Healing

Two mantras have been helpful to Ashton throughout the healing process: “If you resist, it will persist” and “If you want to heal you have to feel.” Ashton has reevaluated her focus on perfection, strength and accomplishment. She still wants to achieve her goals, but has learned that accepting flaws and allowing herself to feel pain, weakness and failure is what has enabled her to heal. Ultimately, the only option Ashton had was to glue the ugly, flawed pieces of her life back together. Ashton feels her “plate” is stronger now. She is still picking up the pieces, but she is no longer focused on external appearances and she knows she will be ok.

How Can You Help?

Open discussions like this are important in the fight against mental illness and suicide. Increased awareness is making a difference. Last year, New York State became among the first states in the nation to require schools to include mental health instruction in the K-12 health curriculum. Schools are now mandated to teach students skills they can use if they are facing a mental health issue or what to do if another student needs help.

Getting ahead of this mental health crisis is going to require a lot of compassion and nonjudgement. The stigma associated with mental illness is a huge barrier to the resolution of this highly treatable issue. Local resources, like the Break the Hold (BTH) Foundation of Pleasantville, are making strides by providing safe and accessible resources to those who need them. We know how to recognize and react to someone with asthma, allergies and many other medical concerns. Similarly, we need to arm everyone, including kids and teens, with the knowledge of how to identify the signs and symptoms of mental health issues and the skills to help someone in distress.

Special thanks to BTH (bthbreakthehold.org), MHA (mhawestchester.org) and The Westchester County Department of Community Mental Health (mentalhealth.westchestergov.com) for their work to reduce the risk of suicide in our communities. National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK, or text 741-741.

At the Heart of Community

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One thing I’ve heard consistently about Pleasantville lately is how fiercely proud residents are of their town and of Mount Pleasant at large. As I produced this edition over the summer, and learned about Break the Hold, via Sabra Staudenmaier’s cover story for us, it was not hard to see why.

I feel like I’m getting to know a community that yes, celebrates all its gifts and good fortune, but also enthusiastically embraces solutions to challenging problems via its open hearts and extended hands. To me, such sincere involvement feels central to understanding the heart of a caring community. This story pulled my heartstrings right away. We also have a proud history covering mental health issues, and specifically the topics of depression and suicide. The Inside Press was the recipient a few years back of a Media Award from the Mental Health Association of Westchester. We hope to continue to shine a spotlight on mental health in future issues as well.

In additional heart sharing coverage, I am also thrilled to publish Ronni Diamondstein’s story about Pleasantville’s Gordon Parks Foundation; if you’re like me, you might be one of many who has walked by and felt curious about the foundation’s window on Wheeler Avenue. Its mission is to preserve the powerful images of artist and photojournalist Gordon Parks whose work has done so much to help bring attention to racism. It accomplishes that and so much more.

If you need more reasons to love Mount Pleasant, there is no shortage in this edition. We asked a long time savvy area resident and Inside Press contributor Jennifer Sabin Poux to compile ten, and she does a fantastic job of that too.

Two summer interns, Charlotte Harter and Madeline Rosenberg, have also helped turn our attention to community, with stories about how the Pleasantville Chamber of Commerce helps support local commerce, coverage of the town’s dedicated conservation efforts plus a look back at Pleasantville Community Day and the town’s firefighter parade.

We know fitness figures ‘big’ around here too, so please don’t miss the piece about area marathon runners either, which includes a Pleasantville resident!

Finally, we also keep hearing the music. In our debut edition, we offered a preview of the Pleasantville Music Festival (another mega successful day!), and in this issue, we give a nod to the area’s vibrant ‘music scene,’ as writer Miriam Longobardi spotlights a couple Rocker bands led by area moms!   

Enjoy the edition, and we hope to see you again in 2020. Our plans for now are for at least four a year, so stay tuned!  Follow Inside Press Magazines on Facebook or insidepress on Instagram, and soon enough, another surprise pub covering your town will be hiding in your mailbox!   

Tipper Gore & Breaking the Silence About Mental Illness

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Tipper Gore and Steve Lieber, Chairman of the BBRF Board Photo by Chad David Kraus

“Back in the day, there was bipartisan support for meeting mental health challenges,” Tipper Gore* said in a conversation with Jeffrey Borenstein, M.D, President and CEO  of Brain & Behavior Research Foundation, at the BBRF May New York City luncheon event, Breaking the Silence About Mental Illness. She told the attendees the common ground ‘worked,’ in that it eventually helped lead to the passage of the Wellstone bill which brought mental health parity to the workplace. “Sitting members on both side of the highest legislature of the land acknowledged there were mental health issues in families,” said Gore.

Today, Gore directs attention on mental health issues affecting middle school and high school students via her work with Tennessee Voices for Children (“there are 56,000 underserved children in Tennessee alone,” she said), and the Tyler Clementi Foundation, which focuses on anti-bullying and suicide prevention. She spoke of an alarming rise in the suicide rate among these younger people and a very concerning spike seen in girls. She expressed concern about a shortage of care: “We need more boots on the ground to have a greater impact.”

Gore also said that getting properly diagnosed and receiving the appropriate treatment when she herself suffered from depression provided “real relief,” pointing to the critical nature of BBRF’s efforts.

Dr. Borenstein said BBRF is the leading foundation for grants to scientists to effectively treat brain behavior disorders; since 1987, $394 million has been awarded to more than 4,700 researchers around the world, leading to $4 billion in additional funding.

BBRF funds “out of the box ideas for innovative research” which has led to important new treatments including the rapid acting antidepressant esketamine to treat refractory (treatment resistant) depression, and brexanolone for post-partum depression. “Every dollar donated goes to scientific research and 100% of the research is invested into grants,” he stated.

Luncheon Committee with Tipper Gore including (left of Gore) Dr. Jeffrey Borenstein, President and CEO, BBRF, and (to her right) Dr. Herb Pardes, President BBRF Scientific Council   Photos by Chad David Kraus

Gore’s participation in the day’s event was deeply appreciated by everyone at BBRF. “It was an honor and a privilege to have someone of her stature and with her passion help us,” said Chappaqua’s Lauren Duran, the BBRF Vice President for Communications Marketing & Public Relations.

*As Second Lady, Gore served as Mental Health Policy Advisor to the President, Her goals were to diminish the stigma surrounding mental illness and to bring awareness to the need for affordable mental health care. In 1999, Gore hosted the first White House Conference on Mental Health. That same year, she launched the National Mental Health Awareness Campaign (NMHAC) to encourage Americans to seek treatment for mental illness. Gore has frequently spoken about her own experience with depression and treatment following the near-fatal injury of her son Albert.

Source: Wikipedia

Finding Gratitude During a Mental Health Crisis

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I really don’t know how it happened. I had some physical, hormonal and emotional stressors early in the summer, which apparently became the perfect storm for an emotional breakdown. My anxiety, which has been a part of me for decades, erupted full force and consumed all of me. It so consumed me that I was unable to function. I stopped eating, sleeping, engaging with the world and felt panicked almost constantly.

On this journey, I have discovered that mental health issues are far more difficult to get a handle on than physical issues, and far more painful. Answers and cures are elusive. But even as I wage this war against my own mind, I realize that I have much to be grateful for.

1. I am grateful and stunned by the number of people who contacted me privately to tell me of their own struggles. Mental health issues are ubiquitous, so much so that it is challenging to get appointments for help because doctors are so busy.

2. I am grateful for an absolutely incredible support system that starts, but does not end, with my family. There are actually no words for how incredible my husband has been. Holding my hand, reassuring me, driving me to appointments, staying up with me countless nights, finding patience for me again and again. My kids, mom and mother-in-law have also been amazing, and their compassion and love has sustained me. I am grateful to be able to rely on my sons, especially my 17-year-old, who has pitched in without complaint and become a man almost overnight. I know this hasn’t been easy for any of them, but they have risen to the challenge.

3. I am grateful for and overwhelmed by the love and support of my extended support system of friends and acquaintances. During this time, through my distress, I have been able to feel, if not always acknowledge, the help from friends and family. I thank everyone who has called, texted or written to inquire about me. I thank those friends who have driven me places when I have not been able to drive myself and been there for me without judgment. I appreciate every gesture, even if I haven’t been able to answer. I’ve had limited ability and energy to reach out but despite that the calls and messages keep coming.

4. I am grateful to have the resources to explore many different kinds of therapies. Here are some of the things I’ve tried thus far; medication, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Hypnosis (really), meditation, yoga, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), functional medicine, homeopathy and acupuncture. I will weigh in at some point on what helped me the most. Voodoo medicine is not out of the question. And I am mindful that I am extremely lucky to be able to pursue various remedies and to focus on getting well.

Trying to heal has been a full-time job. But just knowing people are out there and are willing to help is a comfort. If you have a friend who is going through something like this, please continue to reach out to them even if you get a tepid or no response. Even when I don’t acknowledge them, friends’ messages mean the world to me. Mental health issues really do take a village.

I hope that by discussing this openly, I can help someone else who is keeping their struggles to themselves. I hope to write at length about my experiences someday soon but I’m still in the middle of this journey I had no desire to take. I know that I can only reflect when I have some perspective and I’m not there yet. I am still battling to find my way back.

I have newfound compassion and respect for anyone who has ever struggled in a similar way. I hope to come out the other side stronger than I was before and be a voice and advocate for others. I hope someday people can openly say, “me too” about their mental health challenges.