The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

Sabra Staudenmaier

Reclaiming Motherhood

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Sabra Staudenmaier  PHOTO By Carolyn Simpson

As a small girl, I had big ideas about being a mom on Mother’s Day.  The day would begin with breakfast served to me in bed by little ones in matching pajamas. We would cuddle together as I opened crafty gifts and read homemade cards. We would spend the day enjoying the beauty of our bond. It would be the best day of the year. A celebration of togetherness.

When I became a mom and Mother’s Day came around, a celebration was the last thing on my mind. What was there to celebrate? The never-ending pile of laundry I faced daily? The ever-present crumbs on the floor of my car? Yes, I loved my kids. But motherhood,  at least my motherhood, not so much. Reality came with a mess in the kitchen from breakfast preparation. There was glitter all over my bed from the home-made cards. Even more work that I didn’t want to be doing. What I wanted on Mother’s Day was a break from it all. I was trying to survive; I didn’t have the energy to celebrate. 

Before becoming a mom, I saw the role as a powerful place to be. I saw the mother as the leader of the home, loved and respected for her guidance. After a decade and a half, I was experiencing the opposite of this. I felt disempowered. How could I be strong doing something that was so draining? A 24- hour, seven days a week job with no vacation. Three kids taking turns having meltdowns and making messes all over the place. I didn’t need to celebrate motherhood, I needed to be rescued from it. 

What was happening? 

I was teetering on the edge of burnout. I had been so focused on my role as a mom that   I stopped taking care of myself. I thought that a good mom was one who sacrifices herself for her family. All I needed was for my kids to be ok and that would somehow make everything else, including me, ok. I was clearly doing something wrong. I could feel my foundation crumbling. 

The problem wasn’t motherhood, it was the way I was doing it. I was looking at it from the top down. It was like I was building a building starting at the penthouse floor when I needed to start at the foundation. I was the foundation.

I knew something had to change. The quality of my life depended on it. I had to start taking better care of myself. Once I understood this, I was able to rebuild my motherhood by strengthening myself.

The first step I took was I started lifting weights three to five times each week.  I became physically strong, and physical strength set me on the right track. My mood improved. From there, my entire motherhood fell into line. I became the manager of my house, delegating housework rather than doing it all. I took control of my finances. I built new skills. I rested and recovered as needed. 

And then what happened? My motherhood experience transformed from one of disempowerment to one of strength. When I felt physically strong, I felt capable. Every aspect of my life began to bloom. I was in a role I didn’t need to escape from, not even for one day.

Motherhood is a big job, and the circumstances continue to change. While old issues remain new ones, like managing technology, social media and Covid, accrue. I have discovered that having an amazing family and home isn’t enough. It all must be managed in a way that isn’t depleting and exhausting.

This Mother’s Day, look at where you are on your journey. Do you want to celebrate motherhood or escape from it? 

If your experience is the one you’ve dreamed of, fantastic. If it isn’t then it’s time to make some changes. I invite you to join me for my podcast Banishing Mom Burnout. This is a podcast dedicated to getting moms out of depletion and into a position of strength and power. There is a way to reclaim motherhood. If I did it, so can you. Now, that’s something to celebrate!

True Beauty at Fundraising Event for Maria Fareri Children’s Hospital

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Cheryl Lynch with the singers from One Voice who preformed at the event. Photo by Susan Balsam

 

Champagne, hors d’oeuvres, flowing gowns and all things beautiful set the scene at the Tamarack Country Club in Greenwich, CT on Saturday November 30th. Every detail was attended to at the highly anticipated 20th annual fundraiser to support the Maria Fareri Children’s Hospital Children’s Cancer Fund (CCF). Beauty was the unofficial theme of the night: dazzling people, décor and music filled the venue.

CCF Fashion Show Photo by Susan Balsam

Cheryl Lynch, owner of Cherylyn Salon in Armonk, is known for providing luxury spa and beauty services. Her salon has won many accolades. As evident in the décor of her business and the quality of aesthetic services she provides, she is truly an expert on what is visually appealing. But Lynch’s concept extends far beyond what the eye can see. Through the passion and dedication of her philanthropic work she personifies what it means to radiate beauty both inside and out.

Over 320 people joined Lynch, and her husband and co-host Jeff, to support the CCF’s dedication to raising awareness for Pediatric Cancer and Blood Diseases. Funds raised went to support patients and their families and research programs at Maria Fareri Children’s Hospital, located in Valhalla and a member of the Westchester Medical Center Health Network.

Drinks flowed throughout the cocktail hour as guests casually mingled. When the doors to the main dining room opened, patrons were delighted by a heartwarming performance by the talented young singers from the music group One Voice. Channel 12 news correspondent Annalisa Klebers emceed the event.

Subdued elegance gave way to an upbeat vibe. The partakers “let their hair down” as a lively fashion show entertained the crowd; clothes were provided by area boutiques. Sequins, taffeta and silk filled the room. The evening was a culmination of style, community and purpose. Every detail was flawlessly planned and executed, including both live and silent auctions and a dessert buffet complete with cookies shaped like dresses and shoes.

Lynch brings the same passion to this cause as she does to her salon. She advises to “never give up…each penny makes a difference and every prayer is appreciated”. Lynch’s actions remind us that true beauty radiates from the inside.

The kindness and generosity of the evening proved to be contagious when Michael Fareri, whose family built the Maria Fareri Children’s Hospital, made a surprise donation of $30,000 which covered the cost of the event’s dinner thereby vastly increasing the funds donated to the CCF.

For more information on CCF of Maria Fareri Children’s Hospital: www.thechildrenscancerfund.org

For more information on Cherylyn Salon: www.cherylynsalon.com

Sabra Staudenmaier resides in Chappaqua and is a frequent contributor to Inside Press publications. 

Understanding Life After Suicide

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(L-R): Sean A. Mayer and Dr. Ashton

Dr. Jennifer Ashton from ABC News & GMA Shares her Experiences with Mental Health and Suicide at the Chappaqua Performing Arts Center

We need to start looking at mental health and mental illness no differently than we look at physical conditions.

On Sept 26th, Dr. Jennifer Ashton, Ob-Gyn, ABC News Chief Medical Correspondent and Good Morning America (GMA) Medical Correspondent, met with members of our community to discuss her recently released book Life After Suicide: Finding Courage, Comfort & Community After Unthinkable Loss.

Westchester Mental Health Association (MHA) Board Member and mental health advocate Sean A. Mayer, who lost his brother to suicide several years ago, joined Dr. Ashton for this discussion; the latest in an ongoing series MHA has developed to educate the public about mental health.

The loss of a loved one to mental illness leaves unimaginable devastation. Ashton experienced this loss first hand in 2017. She pointed out that same year, over 47,000 Americans died by suicide. It is estimated that for every person who dies by suicide 135 people are directly affected. That means over 6 million people are impacted every year. Despite the enormity of this issue, she still felt very much alone.

Ashton and Mayer spoke of sadness, anger, guilt and how one is never prepared for suicide. Ashton’s world seemed to fall apart; she used the metaphor of a plate shattering to describe how she had felt. She was baffled by questions like: What did I miss? Was this my fault? She recalled others remarking: How could this happen; everything looked perfect? What is important to realize is that mental illness and suicide are complex issues and often not a reflection of what is seen on the outside.

As a survivor of suicide, the last thing Ashton wanted to do was to defend the father of her children during this difficult time. Suicide is misunderstood; many think of it as cowardice and selfish. She pointed out that it takes the antithesis of cowardice to take your own life. People who have attempted suicide explain that they were doing it for other people. They feel that they are a burden; that those they love would be better off without them. Mayer offered a helpful explanation that what people don’t realize is that the victim just wants the pain to end. People can’t wrap their brains around that, but it’s not selfish.

(L-R): Brian Halloran, Dr. Ashton & Jolina Halloran
Photos courtesy of Break the Hold Foundation
Ashton was proud of the emotional maturity with which her children viewed their father’s death. Her children felt their dad “had a disease like cancer and it killed him. They wouldn’t be angry with someone who died of cancer so how could they be angry with him?” They did not go down the “anger road,” and so she didn’t either. “When you think of mental illness as an illness no different than cancer, it certainly reframes it.”

Mental health and wellness should be looked at with equal importance to physical disease. Ashton referred to the phrase “check up from the neck up” and asked the audience when the last time their health provider inquired about their mental wellness? Similarly, she wonders how often friends and family inquire? “Until we (ask these questions) we are not going to accomplish as much in terms of prevention as we need to, to save people’s lives.” Ashton warns.

“If you have high blood pressure most people don’t have a problem taking a pill or going on a behavioral regiment to treat that. If you feel anxious, depressed or hopeless, there is help available… but we don’t ask for it…. Why? Because we look at it as a weakness. That must change.

We need to look at mental illness like depression and anxiety no differently than cancer or heart disease.”

Our Youth at Risk

Children, teenagers and young adults have poorly developed frontal lobes in their brains; judgement is not their strong suit. Hence, pediatric and adolescent suicides tend to be impulsive whereas adult suicide is often more methodical. Not only do children and teens have a biological explanation for their impulsivity but they also do not have the life experience to provide context to emotional distress. In addition, social media has opened a huge can of worms for the younger generation; cyberbullying is a big issue. We live in an increasingly complicated world. Awareness and support for those of all ages is needed now more than ever.

The strategy of not talking about suicide so the kids don’t find out about it is about as effective as not talking about sex and substance abuse. It’s not going to work to sweep this under the rug.

Lessons in Healing

Two mantras have been helpful to Ashton throughout the healing process: “If you resist, it will persist” and “If you want to heal you have to feel.” Ashton has reevaluated her focus on perfection, strength and accomplishment. She still wants to achieve her goals, but has learned that accepting flaws and allowing herself to feel pain, weakness and failure is what has enabled her to heal. Ultimately, the only option Ashton had was to glue the ugly, flawed pieces of her life back together. Ashton feels her “plate” is stronger now. She is still picking up the pieces, but she is no longer focused on external appearances and she knows she will be ok.

How Can You Help?

Open discussions like this are important in the fight against mental illness and suicide. Increased awareness is making a difference. Last year, New York State became among the first states in the nation to require schools to include mental health instruction in the K-12 health curriculum. Schools are now mandated to teach students skills they can use if they are facing a mental health issue or what to do if another student needs help.

Getting ahead of this mental health crisis is going to require a lot of compassion and nonjudgement. The stigma associated with mental illness is a huge barrier to the resolution of this highly treatable issue. Local resources, like the Break the Hold (BTH) Foundation of Pleasantville, are making strides by providing safe and accessible resources to those who need them. We know how to recognize and react to someone with asthma, allergies and many other medical concerns. Similarly, we need to arm everyone, including kids and teens, with the knowledge of how to identify the signs and symptoms of mental health issues and the skills to help someone in distress.

Special thanks to BTH (bthbreakthehold.org), MHA (mhawestchester.org) and The Westchester County Department of Community Mental Health (mentalhealth.westchestergov.com) for their work to reduce the risk of suicide in our communities. National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK, or text 741-741.

Local Resident & Pop Artist Creates Appealing Bubble Wrap Art Including A Special Piece for Hillary Clinton

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Bubble Art is a form of Modern Pop Art created by injecting acrylic paint into the air-filled pockets of the everyday packing material known as bubble wrap. The plastic bubbles are filled with specific colors in accordance with a pattern, ultimately resulting in the creation of a pixilated image.

Darren Wolfberg, a Chappaqua resident with a well-established career in finance, creates Bubble Art in his spare time. Wolfberg’s art actualizes pop images using generationally relevant subject matter.  He marries the ease of visual simplicity with the complexity of the art’s creation process. The pieces are given modest names such as “The Glasses”, “The Surfer”, “The Flower” and “The Lips”. Over the past few years, he has developed a significant following.

Wolfberg’s interest in art began in childhood. As the son of an interior designer and an acclaimed architect, an awareness of visual beauty was instilled in him as far back as he can remember. In addition, he grew up in Miami, where art deco patterns and vibrant colors were all the rage. Wolfberg formalized his interest in art through his studies at the University of Michigan Stamps School for Art and Design.

Five years ago, when visiting an art gallery in Greenwich Village, Wolfberg was introduced to Bubble Art. The art that was displayed was created in an impressionist format playing off pointillism, an impressionist technique of creating a picture using small dots.  Wolfberg’s interpretation, influenced by Miami’s South Beach of the 1980’s, uses this format to create pieces that are more modern and graphic.

To create his art, Wolfberg has spent a lot of time figuring out, through trial and error, what type of paint should to be used and what type of needles are best to get the paint into the bubbles. “It’s about the art but it’s also about the process; getting the bubbles as full as you can without damaging them” he explains. Each of the designs are carefully planned on a computer. The process requires creativity, patience and a steady hand. “I love seeing the things I visualize in finished form. Having the confidence of taking what you see in your mind, planning and problem solving for it, and seeing it come out in finished form is flat-out rewarding,” remarks Wolfberg.

Wolfberg feels his Bubble Art compliments the style of his generation. “Many customer’s home interiors are neutral gray and also white monotone. However, if you introduce colorful art to this background it allows the art to be exhibited as the focal point. It is a minimalist aesthetic that resonates with a lot of people.”

Recently, Wolfberg has been experimenting with framing. Typically, his art is displayed in a floating or leucite frame. He is now designing pieces with type on the inside of the frame, bringing a layering effect.

“The Hillary”

The excitement and anticipation of the 2016 Presidential election coupled with the influence of the Obama Hope Poster created by Los Angeles based contemporary street artist Shepard Fairey, inspired Wolfberg to create his Bubble Art portrait of Hillary Clinton. The piece served as a unique expression of what it felt like to reside in Chappaqua during this time in political history.

Recently, Wolfberg was given the opportunity to present the portrait to Clinton as a gift. “Are you in the MOMA?” Clinton asked, when Wolfberg gave the piece of art to her. “No” he replied. When she inquired further about the specifics of his career, he explained “I’m in finance.”

Clinton’s question, along with similar inquiries from others, highlight Wolfberg’s current dilemma: is this a hobby or a business? The answer is something he is still figuring out. He has not yet built up enough inventory to create a show; most of his designs are custom orders. Yet, Wolfberg feels compelled to explore the possibilities of where his art takes him and he is excited for what lies ahead.

Visit bubbleart.io for more information about Darren Wolfberg and his Bubble Art.

The Space Between Light and Darkness BREAK THE HOLD FOUNDATION

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PHOTOS BY DONNA MUELLER

Changing the Conversation about Youth Mental Health

Mental health issues can be difficult to understand. Struggles of the mind are laden with kaleidoscopic subtleties that can complicate their management and resolution. How can we help someone who is in a place where the pain and suffering in their mind is so terrible that it outweighs everything else life offers? Between the light of wellness and the darkness of mental illness there is a dim place that is under-discussed. It is here that a social network, community, family, friends and self-care plays a crucial role; this is where life-saving opportunities are being missed.

Through a new and innovative program, the Break The Hold (BTH) Foundation of Pleasantville is making strides by breaking down misconceptions about mental illness and building a safety network that mitigates the real risk factors. They are, in effect, extending branches for those suffering to grab hold of and implementing safety nets to catch those who are spiraling into darkness.

Driven by the love for their middle son, Brian T. Halloran, who lost his battle with depression in January of 2018, Pleasantville residents Brian and Jolina Halloran are determined to help those suffering the way he did. Through the BTH Foundation, named after their son’s initials, the

Suicide is the second leading cause of death for ages 10-24. Each day in the U.S., there is an average of over 3,470 attempts by young people in grades 9-12. Four out of Five teens who attempt suicide have given clear warning signs. They don’t want to die.

Source: bthbreakthehold.org

Hallorans provide school and community-based advocacy programs that promote emotional wellness, resilience and suicide prevention in Pleasantville and nearby communities. Their program focuses on suicide education, raising awareness of the warning signs and empowering young people to have the courage to communicate about this difficult but important issue. The BTH Foundation is giving the community the tools to deal with mental health preventatively and is referring those suffering to the appropriate places to get the help they need. The outstanding progress the BTH Foundation has made merits attention.

The Education Platform – BTH 360

In short, the BTH Foundation’s mission is suicide prevention. The BTH program advocates a safety net system of “Recognizing and Referring”; teaching those in the community how to recognize someone suffering and refer them to receive appropriate help. “We often hear that a friend had seen a flag that could have been addressed but felt that saying something about their friend’s struggles is snitching. The message needs to get out that keeping friends healthy and happy is the right thing to do,” says Brian Halloran.

When BTH is contacted, they have a team of clinicians who, based on a triage system, put together an action plan to help connect those in need with viable options and work to overcome barriers to treatment such as financial cost.

Prevention through education is key. The BTH Foundation has worked alongside the Pleasantville High School (PHS) administration and a team of local psychologists.  Together, they have developed programming for the school district that satisfies the NY State mandates for mental health in the curriculum. Their program is focused on teaching Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which is evidence-based training for emotional regulation. DBT uses mindfulness strategies to manage emotions, increasing student’s tolerance of negative emotions.

The idea is that everyone will be speaking the same language, everyone will learn to respond a little bit more thoughtfully rather than emotionally. We must get to the kids early. They need to be able to understand and communicate what is going on in their heads,” says Halloran.

Last September, ninth graders in PHS had 16 hours of mandated mental health education incorporated into the school curriculum. This coming school year, fifth graders will receive 10 hours of the program. Within 4 years everyone at PHS will have had 26 hours of DBT training. In addition, all staff in the Pleasantville High School, Middle School and Elementary School are receiving 8 hours of DBT training. Parent workshops are offered regularly.

It is especially important to educate teens before they go to college. The BTH Foundation arranges senior transition meetings to help. “Adolescents lose many protective factors once they leave home to go away to college. Many risk factors increase at this time,” Halloran warns.

BTH is sharing their model with neighboring school districts around Westchester. For example, this Fall, the program will be rolled out to ninth graders at Alexander Hamilton High School in Elmsford.  The Foundation is also working to get government resources.

Dismantling the Stigma

Those suffering with mental illness are not the only ones in the dark. Some people think of suicide as “the ultimate selfish act” and wonder “how could they do that to their family and friends?” These judgements are often based on misconceptions. Most who die by suicide do not want to end their life; they want to escape their pain. Suicide is not a rational decision; it is one made under extreme duress.

A person trapped in a burning building might reasonably make the decision to jump out of the window rather than suffer the pain and anguish of being burned by the fire. A person jumping off a bridge to end their life is trying to escape pain that is very real, just like the pain of burning to death. The instinct to escape mental suffering can be as powerful as the instinct to escape physical pain. BTH is trying to break down social barriers to recovery by addressing misconceptions and normalizing the conversation about mental health.

Mental health is a public health issue requiring the help of the entire community. We have lifeguards and life preservers to mitigate the risks of swimming, the Heimlich maneuver to prevent choking and defibrillators in the case of cardiac arrest. Public controls are placed in countless situations to manage health risks. The BTH system of Recognizing and Referring is something everyone can help implement. The community should not underestimate how important they are.

Are you OK? Is something wrong? Can I help you? Those were the words I desperately wanted to hear.” – Kevin Hines, Suicide The Ripple Effect

The Art of Mental Wellness

We can’t stop thoughts from coming into our heads, but we can cultivate an awareness of them. Just because a thought is in your head does not mean it’s true. Skills can be taught so thoughts can be assessed and managed. For someone struggling with a mental illness like depression, thoughts of self-criticism and self-doubt can grow to become powerful and even debilitating. Thoughts like: “everything I do is wrong”, “nobody likes me”, “everyone I love would be better off without me”, “I have nothing to give”, “I am not able to live up to what everyone needs from me” and “I am a failure.”

Living with these ruminating thoughts is frightening and painful.

Unable to control and manage overwhelming negative thoughts, and not understanding what is happening in your head, can lead to a feeling of being trapped. Panic can ensue and bring with it impulses to escape the epic amount of mental and emotional suffering that the negative thoughts create.

The shame of what is secretly happening inside one’s mind prevents resolution and the thoughts continue to spiral. “I felt unable to function. I was being crippled by my struggle as the pain got louder and louder. It might have looked like I was ok on the outside, but the amount of work it took to maintain this false appearance was not sustainable,” recalls one survivor of depression.

The shame that prevents one from reaching out for help is a huge barrier to treatment. The person suffers internally in silence as their condition worsens and signs are missed.

Those who could help don’t know how to read the signs indicating there is an issue, and if they do sense there is something going on they don’t know how to react. If the person continues to suffer in silence, they are unlikely to get better. Depending on the sufferer’s resilience and stress factors, the bubble can ultimately break.

Please remember to be kind. You never know what someone else is going through. Jolina Halloran.

Mental health struggles are managed best when openly discussed. “There is a false belief that talking about suicide will escalate the idea. However, the opposite is, in fact, the case. An adolescent or young adult who is spiraling downward benefits immensely from simply talking about their thoughts”, says Dr. Gayle Augenbaum, a child and adolescent psychiatry specialist who practices in Armonk. BTH gives people a safe and accessible place for these conversations to take place. These simple conversations can deter unhealthy choices such as self-medicating with drugs and alcohol or worse.

Ultimately the BTH Foundation encourages people to be involved in their own self-care. “If you want to beat this mental illness problem, you have to be involved in the process. Everyone can help and we need a network and a community of support, but it is also necessary to take effort in and be proactive in your own self-care,” advises Halloran. Just as an individual with asthma pays extra attention to their breath, and a person with a food allergy has a heightened awareness of what they eat; similarly, a person who suffers from “brain pain” can become aware of the thoughts that enter their minds and learn how to manage them.

You don’t necessarily beat depression once and then it is gone. It is often something you live with throughout your life. When a person who suffers from depression is well, they can learn to practice preventative measures to maintain and manage their mental health. Mental illnesses like depression can break down one’s resilience over time and can turn thoughts into irrational behavior. But the key is “over time”; that’s where the opportunity lies, between the light and the darkness.

How Mindfulness Can Help

The principles behind mindfulness are the basis for much of DBT. Mindfulness concepts like self-compassion, non-judgement and gratitude can redirect thoughts from the darkness into the light. “Meditation helps bring awareness to your thoughts. You are not blocking thoughts but relating to them differently, letting them come and go and observing them. This will help in life because you will be able to recognize when thoughts are not helpful and can dismiss them instead of intensifying them which can lead to sadness or anxiety,” says Jodi Baretz, a holistic based therapist from the Center for Health and Healing in Mt. Kisco.

There are other methods to proactively keep one’s mental health in shape. Exercise can help in many ways including shifting one’s focus from the mind to the body. Getting enough sleep can play a big role as well.

The Next Generation

There is concern that the next generation is especially at risk of depression. Technology fosters social isolation; the omnipresent screens that children and teens are growing up with are barriers to human interaction. Mental illness breeds on social isolation; humans are meant to be in groups and care about one another.

While it is extraordinarily difficult for an adult to manage a mental illness, it is even more difficult for a child or adolescent. “Kids and teenagers don’t have the right words to name their emotions and their frontal lobes are not finished developing. Therefore, they are more impulsive and more reactive and tend to be more rigid with whatever they are feeling, not recognizing that there is hope for change.” Says Augenbaum. Teens don’t have the ability yet to understand that situations aren’t permanent. This is a learned lesson that takes time and life experience they don’t yet have. And so, the risk factors continue to pile up.

Walking into the Light

The Hallorans have suffered the unimaginable in losing their son Brian. But with the work of the BTH Foundation, steps have been taken towards compassion and understanding and away from judgement and misconception. Every time a teen who has gone down the road of darkness is given the tools to recover, Brian is there. With Brian’s light leading the way, steps are being taken in the right direction. This past June, the community showed their support by participating in the BTH Foundation’s second suicide awareness walk. The steps they took communicated a clear message to those suffering from mental illness: you are not alone in this fight; we will walk into the light with you. For more information, please visit:  www.bthbreakthehold.org

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

800-273-TALK (8255) or Text “TALK” to 741-741

A Bit About Brian

Brian was a beloved son, brother and friend. He was well-liked, smart and athletic. He was friendly and had a lot of empathy for others. His parents knew he was a good person but “didn’t realize how kind he was”.  After he passed away, friends and acquaintances contacted his parents and told them that if Brian saw someone who seemed sad he would not hesitate to reach out to them.

Brian appeared to most to be a typical teenager, but underneath his strong exterior he was suffering from depression. Depression can come and go. It can appear to be managed but then come back. Though Brian had been doing well, still the day came in January 2018 when his parents got a knock on their door. Brian had died by suicide while away at school in South Carolina. Before Brian died he reached out to several people but was not able to connect with anyone.