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The Experience of Being a Single Mom and Going it Solo during COVID-19

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The following was written on April 13, 2020, as an FYI, and edited here for publishing clarity. Three plus weeks later, the feelings are pretty much status quo, although I’ve settled into more of a routine, which helps. Like many, I imagine I’d be in a state of acute despair without Governor Cuomo’s daily briefings or summaries.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I simply wish to bear witness to my personal experience as a Single American, Empty Nest mom staying home solo and doing my best to follow the new COVID-19 rules. 

My 23-year-old son lived with me for Month 1 of ‘all this.’ Renewed bonds, his humor, mine too, all helped ease the transition to this ‘new way.’  I loved having him here, in fact, after two plus years since starting empty nest in earnest (that is, post his graduation from college when he moved into the city permanently). 

It may appear at first glance that I rescued him bringing him home to the burbs after he developed mild symptoms, got diagnosed as positive with COVID-19, and recovered here, but I know the truth now.

A certain household structure of cooking and meal preparation is comforting and calming. Permission to and the ability to take care of a loved one are absolute gifts, too.

Please never take any of that for granted, ever, not for a minute.

So…

This one is for all the single people living in what boils down to, what is amounting to, a stretch of house arrest.

But ok, without the ankle bracelet.

Yes, social media and FaceTime calls with kids, family and special friends help. It has been especially heartening to keep up with my daughter almost daily as I had been feeling we had grown apart. She has taught herself new skills, and I’m planning on blaring about them soon too, if she’ll let me.

Yes, absolutely, a Zoom meeting or the sometimes seemingly infinite number of fitness or meditation classes and musicians and entertainers and political/educational forums online breaks things up and absolutely does help with motivation or to keep spirits up.

I’d have been lost for a stretch without private stretching/exercise sessions with a therapist from New Castle Physical Therapy for a back-related issue.

Laughter has been key to so many getting through this, so trust me that all the funny online posts in goofy Facebook groups or from all the self styled comedians out there are amazing lifelines for me, too.

I marvel at all the ingenuity and entrepreneurship and ponder the transforming future of where we will all land in the realm of real time versus virtual time. 

Still.. I spend a lot of time online for my work, so I look forward to getting off line… so there’s that. Ultimately, online communication is not like having humans in proximity in your home-whether it’s hearing the sound of a voice or seeing the gleam in someone’s eye. If you are a people person, which I am, by and large, the absence of  ‘actual’ time together is felt deeply.

If you don’t own a pet, which I don’t anymore (a long story for another day, perhaps), yes, it’s far worse than that.

I hear a lot: “I can’t imagine not having my dog through this (or dogs, or cat, or cats).”

Well, imagine it. Many single people do not have pets for a variety of reasons. At this juncture, I don’t have a pet. Not even a fish. And that is that, too. I am not looking for leads on getting a pet, so please, dear reader, do not go there. It actually hurts for you to. I’m fully aware of the options, and let’s just say, it’s complicated.

For me, all I know is that today is Day 10 of alone during COVID-19. For many, it’s well into the 20s, 30s or even 40 plus days. I contemplate the continued impact of long-term isolation. 

Whether it’s your kid’s groan when you tell him to get back to his homework, or your spouse or significant other yelling out, “What’s for dinner?”, please don’t underestimate the value and comfort of a voice that’s in proximity to you. I wonder: Will I settle into isolation? Will it get easier? Harder? Impossible to bear?

I am a person who considers my mental health as intact, stable as she goes. But anxiety is taking hold now, and I’m keeping a variety of toll-free numbers handy. 

The days are much easier than the nights. I am intensely grateful to live where there are many neighbors in proximity, at least. I take my near daily walk for the people and pet visuals, for the dose of Vitamin D, too. The sun sustains me like nothing else. I appreciate even a wave from six feet away at the occasional neighbor, or even someone’s puppy or dog wagging its tail. 

Neighbors’ eyes sparkle and even the wrinkles surrounding them ‘speak’ to me from above the bridge of a nose and circumference of a mask. If they are not wearing masks, I keep my distance, wave anyway, and pray they simply stay safe, too. 

I like getting into my car for the reminder of the old normal as I set about to perform only the most necessary errands. I gratefully take in the ‘hum’ and ‘sounds’ of the market, or at the pharmacy, too. Those fill the soul some, too.

When night falls, a certain fear takes hold, a sense of vulnerability that’s hard to explain. Maybe it’s when all these feelings of aloneness peak. Watching TV, binge watching especially, helps a good deal. I mourn the end of any good series! When I turn the net and TV off, though, it’s me again, and… the pockets of dark space. I’ll slog through some darkness, contemplate the dishes in the sink, but usually choose to leave them for the morning. I try to reduce the night hours by going to sleep as early as possible. Sleep is a bit of a messy affair, too, also the subject of a future post. 

I won’t venture too much here into the lack of touch or intimacy and the total weirdness of virtual dating, or rather, foregoing virtual dating, for the most part.  For reasons also best left to another column, perhaps, I will say I don’t feel this is the time to embark on new romance, either. For personal reasons, I wasn’t necessarily ready for new romance before COVID-19, and I don’t believe that has changed. If anything, those feelings are exacerbated. Still, I’ve always been in the never say never school, too. 

I don’t want pity, but compassion and understanding are great. I don’t need advice or suggestions either. Or maybe I do. I don’t know.

I understand my feelings are unique too, and not universal.  An old friend, similarly alone, is not experiencing it this way at all, and even expressed a comfort level with the isolation, so go figure. She describes herself as perhaps always having been an introvert and that somehow ‘all this’ is suiting her.  I would describe myself as more of an extrovert (although a shy one, too, in a way, as contradictory as that may sound), so perhaps we are hit a bit harder. Then again, I always loved my alone time, too, but by design. And choice. So, again, I don’t know.

I am not writing this to compare pain and painful situations. The tragedy is devastating and on some days, beyond all comprehension. The disease has hit terribly hard taking tens of thousands of lives across the country, hundreds of thousands across the world, and threatening the health of family members, roommates, as it devastates nursing home residences, in particular. Prison populations have also been horribly impacted. And so on.  Solo in my otherwise comfortable suburban pad is certainly also better than any domestically violent situation in any socio-economic circumstance.

And yet, what I want to convey, is that pain is relative, and that the pain here is real for me, too.

Human beings are largely social creatures. Our souls are tested, and I believe shrink in any prolonged isolation. I want to erase the stigma too that anyone weathering this solo is similarly feeling. I know that I’m not alone with these feelings, and that they are widespread.

And yes, yes. I am still counting my blessings to be alive and healthy. I was never going to even share these words as I worry  they may sound somewhat self indulgent or morose. But then again, if a pandemic is not the time to feel those things too, then I don’t know what is. You are welcome to search elsewhere for inspiring and uplifting right now.  I have tried to keep busy sharing all the drama and news I possibly can through this press on a most limited budget. I have plenty of work to do to make sure my 17-year-old business survives COVID-19.  I’ll overshare too that it can feel like wading through molasses. I go through all the steps I’m advised to take as a small business and wait for those to bear fruit.  And wait.  I have rooms and a garage I promised myself I could declutter now, but somehow, paralyzed to, since that feels like the ultimate solo punishment.

I write this simply to self-express (that helps me, so forgive me if my oversharing causes you any discomfort). Finally, I share also to express that I do feel empathy for everyone weathering this storm. My heart goes out to all of you, to those single and to those in semi full or very full houses (maybe we can trade places for a day?) and all your own unique challenges.  And yes, I must believe that we too can get through this, #AloneTogether, and #NewYorkTough. Or when you’re not feeling so tough sometimes, too. 

 

Cozy at Home

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I’m writing this on a grey, damp day in October, cozy in my loose ‘at home’ clothes. I guess the gloomier, chillier weather had to arrive sooner or later after one of the most spectacular Septembers on record. I was grateful for the extra stretch of summer, but equally so for the rains that help us transition through seasons, too. Mother Nature knows what she’s doing if we don’t mess with her too much! And as we head full full steam ahead into fall and winter temps, I do ponder the comforts of home, and feel ever grateful for my own. When it’s grey, there are fewer temptations. I get more of my ‘serious’ work done (like writing this column!). But I can also opt for lazy.

I might surf more, catch up on a grocery item list or other errands. If I’m feeling social, I’ll check movie listings at the Jacob Burns Film Center and inquire with a friend or two. But no matter what I do, I always feel that at home days maximizing your time solo or with family are every bit as precious as time out on the sunniest of days.

If you’re reading your second edition of Inside Biarcliff & Ossining on a grey day too, I have some good news. I promise it will give you plenty of reasons to smile, whether it’s Carine Feist’s ‘Friendsgiving Menu’ or Peter Chatzky’s ‘etcetera’ humor essay on ‘Loving Briarcliff.’

Please enjoy our second edition which celebrates two town histories-aside from our cover story on the fabulous historical society in Briarcliff Manor, don’t miss learning about the ambitious educational undertakings of the Sing Sing Prison Museum and also the inspiring vision of the Bethany Arts Community. We hope to continue trying to capture different slices of life and culture in the area… rain or shine. Happy Thanksgiving!

Residents Find Friendship and Intellectual Stimulation at Local Book Clubs

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When Chappaqua resident Kate Feher moved into the area four months ago she quickly missed the bonds she had made back home.

As a first-time mom adjusting to her new life in Chappaqua, Feher said she struggled to meet people and make friends. Her longing for friendship led her on a search to joining a group she had never been apart of before; a book club. But for Feher, her search for a friendly neighborhood book club turned into a grand effort to start her own group.

“I posted on the Chappaqua Moms Facebook page if anyone was part of a book club that needed new members. I thought I’d be meeting 10 to 12 ladies when I made that post,” Feher said. “I got over 100 responses and realized there was a clear and untasked need and excitement around joining a book club.”

As Feher began organizing her newest venture, she said it was imperative the club have equal ambition and wine. “People are looking for intellectual stimulation, but also social connection and book clubs have a good balance of both,” she said. “Reading is good down time and if you have a book club forcing you to take some down time hopefully it helps people take time for themselves.”

On Nov. 1, Feher kicked off the first meeting of the Chappaqua Moms Book Club, a group comprised of roughly 75 women from Chappaqua, Bedford, Briarcliff, Pound Ridge and other neighboring towns.

With 75 a large number for a community book club, Feher said the club will be broken down into five separate groups who will meet once a month at a place of their choosing and control their reading choices. While each group will run autonomously, suggestions will be made by Feher based on a survey she issued to members prior to the November meeting.

Suggested books include, Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng, The Incendiaries by R.O. Kwon, The Power by Naomi Aiderman, and Less by Andrew Sean Greer.

While the entire group will meet once a year to discuss their experiences and reading choices, she added that the club was less about books and more about meeting other people in the community and making new friends. Women like me with new children that really don’t know anyone just want to get to know other people, she said.

“I think a lot of people use social media to connect but it’s a digital connection, it’s not a person-to-person meeting and I think people are missing that,” Feher said. “I think this is a way for people to get to know others and feel more connected to the community. People in the community and so many women are so hungry for it.”

Book Lovers meet monthly at the North Castle Public Library as part of the Current Affairs Book Club. Photo by Grace Bennett/Inside Press

But women aren’t the only one’s hungry for engaging conversation. For Armonk resident Daniel Vock, it was his passion for history and topical news that served as the catalyst to launch his Current Affairs Book Club five years ago at the North Castle Library.

After attending a similar book club in Greenwich, Conn., Vock approached library officials with the idea of starting his own club in Armonk. Since then, he has collaborated with North Castle Library librarian Mary Johnson to obtain non-fiction reading material either listed on The New York Times bestseller list or suggested by the groups five core members.

With the group meeting on the second Tuesday of each month, excluding August, Vock said their 90-minute discussion will revolve around the book, and what’s happening in the news, which Vock said always results in a lively discussion.

“We learn from reading the book and we learn from each other,” Vock said. “If you don’t learn from history, history will repeat itself again. And that’s what we feel we’re seeing now, and we learn from debating.”

Along with reading books, Vock said they will occasionally invite the books author or other historical authors and specialists to join the book club in their discussions.

But while most book clubs are comprised primarily of women, Vock said his group, comprised of all men, struggles to attract female membership. With energetic discussions and debate a core value of the club, he added he also wishes residents who are in support of President Donald Trump would join the group to enable a more well-rounded debate.  “We’re missing that component to the club because we can’t build on those opinions,” Vock said.

Despite the occasional controversial topics up for discussion, Vock said his group of “fair-minded” men gives senior citizens, like himself, the opportunity to get together and talk about the many national and international issues facing them. He joked it also gives his wife a break from his political gab.

“The men that are in this group I consider as brilliant and well-informed people who have led a full life, have seen a lot of things and have a lot to contribute,” Vock said. “We want to learn and exchange ideas rather than impose points of view.”

Chappaqua resident Holly Blum, who has been a member of Words with Wine Book Club since 2013, agreed that book clubs provide a night out and enlist members from all different backgrounds, education and upbringing to contribute and provide a more dynamic dialog.

“I’ve met a lot of great people through the book club,” Blum said. “What I really like about it is that it brings together a lot of different women who I would not have had the opportunity to know of otherwise.”

Blum said she appreciates her book club because they allow the reader to reflect on their experience with the book, while also giving room to reexamine the book with the roughly three-hour discussion that erupts during their monthly meetings.

“The women in the book club are not particularly shy about sharing their opinions,” Blum said. “It’s really an opportunity to get together with semi-likeminded people who enjoy a glass of wine, who like to read and hopefully have something interesting to contribute, book related or not.”

The need for stimulating conversation, friendship and community is exactly why Armonk resident Anita Luden Greenwald started Book Club Armonk three years ago.

While her kids were growing up, Greenwald said she was part of an Armonk-based book club for 16 years until it eventually disbanded due to residents retiring or moving out of the area. Some time later when her kids were all grown up and out of the house, Greenwald said she was in search for a new group of people who shared her desire for camaraderie and had a commitment to the community.

When a search on the Armonk Moms Facebook forum led her to a thread about reading and book suggestions, she decided to launch the Armonk Book Club.

“I got this resounding yes from people I didn’t know to join this book club,” Greenwald said. “I reserved a table at Beehive Restaurant and we all came with books we wanted to read. We had 12 to 15 people come and it was incredible.”

Book Club Armonk is comprised of 12 Armonk residents who meet monthly at a members’ home for snacks, wine and conversation. With books chosen a year in advance, the group will provide suggestions on reading material, and the books that share an overlap will ultimately be chosen. The rest is based on reviews, Greenwald said.

“It’s very democratic,” she said. “Somebody inevitably is always organized with questions from a book club guide, but someone will start talking about how they felt about a book and then everyone continues to chime in.”

While most book clubs choose their selection based on the book, Book Club Armonk centers their choice on the author.

“We choose an author, so you can read whatever book you want by the author and then compare notes and look at similar writing styles,” Greenwald said. “It’s really an interesting way to do a book club. Everybody was willing to try this, and through our Facebook page we poll to see who the author will be.”

Since she pioneered the group, Greenwald said it’s something she looks forward to every month, adding that the group encourages people to talk about more than gossip but share in intellectual discussion and get to know each other on an intimate and personal level. When you run into other members in town, it’s so nice, she said.

But as an avid reader, she said there’s nothing better than getting lost in a book.

“Books take you on a voyage to other locations, other cultures and other time periods,” she said. “There’s nothing like having a cup of tea with your book with the fireplace going. It’s perfect.”

Armonk Chamber’s Third Thursday Circus, and more! AUGUST 16

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Back with its last hurrah of the summer, the Armonk Chamber of Commerce is sponsoring its August 16th “Third Thursday” event in Downtown Armonk from 5-8:30pm, with Westchester Circus Arts as the special guest. There will be spectacular, sky-high aerial performances throughout the evening, plus high-wire acts, jugglers and more. Visitors will be able to channel their inner acrobat with hand-on activities. Local businesses will be offering face painting and refreshments, as well as more children’s activities in Armonk Square. Armonk restaurants and eateries will be in on the festivities, offering specials throughout the evening.

As always, the event will feature two live bands: Bedford’s School of Rock (5-6:30pm) and Vinyl Countdown (6:30-8:30pm).  

Next up on the Chamber’s agenda is the 2018 Cider and Donut Festival on Sunday, September 23rd, featuring the 5k Run for Love and Byram Hills Pre-School Association Carnival. Children’s races start at 9:15 (donut dash), followed at 9:25 by the McIntosh Mile and then at 9:45 by the 5k run/walk. The festival begins at 10am and continues until 2pm with carnival rides, face painting, craft activities, pie eating contest, donut fishing and more. Of course, Beascakes Bakery will be there serving up hot, fresh donuts, and we will have farm-fresh apple cider as well. Local businesses will provide more food, including the Granola Bar Truck, Fortina Pizza Truck, Tauk kitchen with burgers, hot dogs and cotton candy. Classic rock music will feature the fabulous Vinyl Countdown band.

​ Visit armonkchamberofcommerce.com for race registration and more details.

 

Please visit the Inside Press coverage of this amazing event from last year too:  https://www.theinsidepress.com/final-third-thursdays-aerial-extravaganza-dazzles-armonk-community/