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empty nest

The Experience of Being a Single Mom and Going it Solo during COVID-19

May 7, 2020 by Inside Press

The following was written on April 13, 2020, as an FYI, and edited here for publishing clarity. Three plus weeks later, the feelings are pretty much status quo, although I’ve settled into more of a routine, which helps. Like many, I imagine I’d be in a state of acute despair without Governor Cuomo’s daily briefings or summaries.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I simply wish to bear witness to my personal experience as a Single American, Empty Nest mom staying home solo and doing my best to follow the new COVID-19 rules. 

My 23-year-old son lived with me for Month 1 of ‘all this.’ Renewed bonds, his humor, mine too, all helped ease the transition to this ‘new way.’  I loved having him here, in fact, after two plus years since starting empty nest in earnest (that is, post his graduation from college when he moved into the city permanently). 

It may appear at first glance that I rescued him bringing him home to the burbs after he developed mild symptoms, got diagnosed as positive with COVID-19, and recovered here, but I know the truth now.

A certain household structure of cooking and meal preparation is comforting and calming. Permission to and the ability to take care of a loved one are absolute gifts, too.

Please never take any of that for granted, ever, not for a minute.

So…

This one is for all the single people living in what boils down to, what is amounting to, a stretch of house arrest.

But ok, without the ankle bracelet.

Yes, social media and FaceTime calls with kids, family and special friends help. It has been especially heartening to keep up with my daughter almost daily as I had been feeling we had grown apart. She has taught herself new skills, and I’m planning on blaring about them soon too, if she’ll let me.

Yes, absolutely, a Zoom meeting or the sometimes seemingly infinite number of fitness or meditation classes and musicians and entertainers and political/educational forums online breaks things up and absolutely does help with motivation or to keep spirits up.

I’d have been lost for a stretch without private stretching/exercise sessions with a therapist from New Castle Physical Therapy for a back-related issue.

Laughter has been key to so many getting through this, so trust me that all the funny online posts in goofy Facebook groups or from all the self styled comedians out there are amazing lifelines for me, too.

I marvel at all the ingenuity and entrepreneurship and ponder the transforming future of where we will all land in the realm of real time versus virtual time. 

Still.. I spend a lot of time online for my work, so I look forward to getting off line… so there’s that. Ultimately, online communication is not like having humans in proximity in your home-whether it’s hearing the sound of a voice or seeing the gleam in someone’s eye. If you are a people person, which I am, by and large, the absence of  ‘actual’ time together is felt deeply.

If you don’t own a pet, which I don’t anymore (a long story for another day, perhaps), yes, it’s far worse than that.

I hear a lot: “I can’t imagine not having my dog through this (or dogs, or cat, or cats).”

Well, imagine it. Many single people do not have pets for a variety of reasons. At this juncture, I don’t have a pet. Not even a fish. And that is that, too. I am not looking for leads on getting a pet, so please, dear reader, do not go there. It actually hurts for you to. I’m fully aware of the options, and let’s just say, it’s complicated.

For me, all I know is that today is Day 10 of alone during COVID-19. For many, it’s well into the 20s, 30s or even 40 plus days. I contemplate the continued impact of long-term isolation. 

Whether it’s your kid’s groan when you tell him to get back to his homework, or your spouse or significant other yelling out, “What’s for dinner?”, please don’t underestimate the value and comfort of a voice that’s in proximity to you. I wonder: Will I settle into isolation? Will it get easier? Harder? Impossible to bear?

I am a person who considers my mental health as intact, stable as she goes. But anxiety is taking hold now, and I’m keeping a variety of toll-free numbers handy. 

The days are much easier than the nights. I am intensely grateful to live where there are many neighbors in proximity, at least. I take my near daily walk for the people and pet visuals, for the dose of Vitamin D, too. The sun sustains me like nothing else. I appreciate even a wave from six feet away at the occasional neighbor, or even someone’s puppy or dog wagging its tail. 

Neighbors’ eyes sparkle and even the wrinkles surrounding them ‘speak’ to me from above the bridge of a nose and circumference of a mask. If they are not wearing masks, I keep my distance, wave anyway, and pray they simply stay safe, too. 

I like getting into my car for the reminder of the old normal as I set about to perform only the most necessary errands. I gratefully take in the ‘hum’ and ‘sounds’ of the market, or at the pharmacy, too. Those fill the soul some, too.

When night falls, a certain fear takes hold, a sense of vulnerability that’s hard to explain. Maybe it’s when all these feelings of aloneness peak. Watching TV, binge watching especially, helps a good deal. I mourn the end of any good series! When I turn the net and TV off, though, it’s me again, and… the pockets of dark space. I’ll slog through some darkness, contemplate the dishes in the sink, but usually choose to leave them for the morning. I try to reduce the night hours by going to sleep as early as possible. Sleep is a bit of a messy affair, too, also the subject of a future post. 

I won’t venture too much here into the lack of touch or intimacy and the total weirdness of virtual dating, or rather, foregoing virtual dating, for the most part.  For reasons also best left to another column, perhaps, I will say I don’t feel this is the time to embark on new romance, either. For personal reasons, I wasn’t necessarily ready for new romance before COVID-19, and I don’t believe that has changed. If anything, those feelings are exacerbated. Still, I’ve always been in the never say never school, too. 

I don’t want pity, but compassion and understanding are great. I don’t need advice or suggestions either. Or maybe I do. I don’t know.

I understand my feelings are unique too, and not universal.  An old friend, similarly alone, is not experiencing it this way at all, and even expressed a comfort level with the isolation, so go figure. She describes herself as perhaps always having been an introvert and that somehow ‘all this’ is suiting her.  I would describe myself as more of an extrovert (although a shy one, too, in a way, as contradictory as that may sound), so perhaps we are hit a bit harder. Then again, I always loved my alone time, too, but by design. And choice. So, again, I don’t know.

I am not writing this to compare pain and painful situations. The tragedy is devastating and on some days, beyond all comprehension. The disease has hit terribly hard taking tens of thousands of lives across the country, hundreds of thousands across the world, and threatening the health of family members, roommates, as it devastates nursing home residences, in particular. Prison populations have also been horribly impacted. And so on.  Solo in my otherwise comfortable suburban pad is certainly also better than any domestically violent situation in any socio-economic circumstance.

And yet, what I want to convey, is that pain is relative, and that the pain here is real for me, too.

Human beings are largely social creatures. Our souls are tested, and I believe shrink in any prolonged isolation. I want to erase the stigma too that anyone weathering this solo is similarly feeling. I know that I’m not alone with these feelings, and that they are widespread.

And yes, yes. I am still counting my blessings to be alive and healthy. I was never going to even share these words as I worry  they may sound somewhat self indulgent or morose. But then again, if a pandemic is not the time to feel those things too, then I don’t know what is. You are welcome to search elsewhere for inspiring and uplifting right now.  I have tried to keep busy sharing all the drama and news I possibly can through this press on a most limited budget. I have plenty of work to do to make sure my 17-year-old business survives COVID-19.  I’ll overshare too that it can feel like wading through molasses. I go through all the steps I’m advised to take as a small business and wait for those to bear fruit.  And wait.  I have rooms and a garage I promised myself I could declutter now, but somehow, paralyzed to, since that feels like the ultimate solo punishment.

I write this simply to self-express (that helps me, so forgive me if my oversharing causes you any discomfort). Finally, I share also to express that I do feel empathy for everyone weathering this storm. My heart goes out to all of you, to those single and to those in semi full or very full houses (maybe we can trade places for a day?) and all your own unique challenges.  And yes, I must believe that we too can get through this, #AloneTogether, and #NewYorkTough. Or when you’re not feeling so tough sometimes, too. 

 

Filed Under: Surviving COVID-19 Tagged With: #AloneTogether, #NewYorkTough, Alone, anxiety, bear witness, Binge watching, Companions, darkness, despair, empty nest, experience, extrovert, Facebook, Governor Cuomo, Household, isolation, Laughter, Mental health, online, pain, people person, pets, Physical Therapy, single, Single Mom, Single People, social, Soul, virtual, Virtual Dating, vulnerability, Zoom

Imagining the Glorious Possibilities of ‘I Can’

August 29, 2018 by Grace Bennett

Can I do this? Yes I Can!

When you are Empty Nest and single, but still living in the suburbs, ‘Back to School’ feels more like an experience from the sidelines—I admit to being more observer, than participant. It’s also easy to fall into ‘missing my kids’ mode, and I so do. However, this year, I plan to celebrate their wings by approaching life with a hefty dose of joie de vivre.

Indeed, the possibilities are rather glorious. While I consider others’ September scramble for book supplies and finding out teacher assignments, and while I certainly wish our Chappaqua Schools a very happy 90th birthday at Greeley’s homecoming, in truth, my mind wanders a bit as I plot multiple ways to fill more ‘me time.’

Two words I’m saying more: ‘I can.’ I can get to the gym more. I can go to karaoke or a favorite musician’s gig (if I can take a nap first, that is). I can take more walks in our amazing ‘hoods and parks. I can sleep longer. I can meditate or schedule an occasional massage. I can write a novel or a movie, or start a new publication…yes, I think about that, if I can simply pull myself from social media a bit more! Or I can get over myself and accept however each day plays out!  I can volunteer. I can get more politically involved, as fraught with ‘issues’ that sometimes feels. I can binge on a hot TV series, wrack up movies at the Burns, and I can cook more or I can treat myself to lovely meals. I can hop Metro North more to take advantage of the amazing city we live a stone’s throw from. I can make a bucket list travel wish come true. One certainty: I can keep soaking up precious time spent with my 96-year-old Poppy.

I can… I can…

Fortunately, anytime I feel like stepping up Community life, I can do that, too. I’m ultimately blessed to live in an area where, in truth, fun opportunities abound at any life stage–our ‘Happenings’ section makes that clear–whether its stopping by Community Day, the Chappaqua’s Children Book Festival or Armonk’s Outdoor Art Show and Cider and Donut Festival–these are all on my I Can calendar too. Ultimately, I plan to do it my way, in Can Do…the world is my oyster…mode.

Filed Under: Just Between Us Tagged With: Can, Can do spirit, Can-Do, empty nest, I Can, Inside Press, Just Between Us

For Empty Nesters, Getting Back into Shape is a Worthy Challenge

December 1, 2016 by Andrew Vitelli

When Grace Bennett, this magazine’s publisher, saw the last of her children leave for college, she found herself with a bit more time to commit to getting into shape. But the added time at the gym, along with weekly walks with a friend, weren’t leading to the results she envisioned.

“My regular workout wasn’t helping me keep the pounds at bay,” Bennett recalls. “I just wasn’t pushing myself very much, and I definitely wasn’t watching what I ate very well.”

Bennett’s problem is one many empty nesters, and others looking to jump into a training program, encounter after only months of working out, says Saw Mill Club Fitness Director Billy Goda.

smc_grace-169-edit
Personal trainer Sarah Eichorn showing Grace proper form

“People think that they just need to learn the best ten moves, do them two-to-three times a week, and they’re good,” Goda explains. “They’re looking for an easy solution. There’s not an easy solution or quick fix.” “Routine,” concludes Goda, “is the opposite of fitness.”

Looking to step up the intensity of her workouts, Bennett decided to hire a personal trainer. She had trained a few years ago, but for the sake of convenience and consistency, she wanted the personal trainer to also be inside the Saw Mill Club, where she had recently become a member. “I gave up on the idea again that I could do this by myself,” she says. Still, she now admits that she wasn’t exactly looking forward to being pushed to her limits. “I fully expected [the trainer] to be something of a taskmaster. I thought, ‘This is going to be really awful.’”

In her first meeting with her new trainer, Saw Mill Club’s Sarah Eichorn, Bennett realized her fears were unfounded. Eichorn pushed her to gradually up her intensity without going beyond what Bennett could comfortably handle.

“With her we circuited between getting her heart rate up, going to an upper body [workout], then a lower body,” Eichorn, a Mt. Kisco resident, explains. “As she learned these movements individually, we started putting them together.”

smc_grace-152-edit
Soon, Eichorn saw great improvement. “I noticed a big change in her cardio, with the respiratory, with her heart rate,” Eichorn says. The two also developed a nice rapport and personal connection. “I feel very comfortable with Sarah; she is both low key and knowledgeable about fitness and health.”

Goda says Saw Mill Club gets many men and women in their 50s, like Bennett, who decide it’s time to get back into, or just into, shape.

“One thing that we stress is that what you’re going to do in your 50s,” Goda says, “that’s going to determine how you feel in your late 50s, your 60s, your 70s, and beyond.”

But while joining a gym is a good first step, there are many potential pitfalls that can derail one’s fitness program. Often, Goda says, people in their 50s join a gym and do the same simple workout every time, leading to some early but unsustainable progress.

“In the third month, when things aren’t going well, they disappear for a year,” Goda says. “What we try to do at the Saw Mill Club is we try to make sure people don’t just disappear.”

smc_grace-177-edit
Goda gets the club’s clients to focus on the five major components of fitness: muscular strength, muscular endurance, flexibility, cardio health, and body composition. Trainers may have their clients start by improving their range of motion, then add weight to the movement, and then throw in a twisting motion.

Communication, Goda stressed, is essential so clients know what they are doing and why they are doing it. This will not only help them see quick results, but will better the chances that they continue to push forward six months to a year in the future.

Goda also points out that no one is too old to start training, and said that working out can alleviate problems like back pain.

“My oldest client is 92 years old,” Goda says. “I put him in all these different movement patterns, and he is pain free.”

When Bennett began her training, her focus was on the number she saw when she stepped on the scale. Eichorn convinced her that this approach was misguided, as losing weight and getting fit are not one and the same.

“People are telling me that I look better,” says Bennett. “I feel better in general from day to day. I feel like I have a little more energy. I’m coupling it with much better eating too.”
For info on membership and training packages, visit www.sawmillclub.com.

PHOTOS BY: Philip Holt/Mad Shots Photography

Andrew Vitelli is a Westchester native and the editor of Inside Armonk.

smc_grace-254-edit

Filed Under: Sponsor News! Tagged With: empty nest, Empty Nesters, get into shape, Saw Mill Club, training, workout

Empty Nester Needs

July 26, 2015 by Inside Press

“How to Keep Empty Nesters in the Community” is a second subject area to be addressed on Thursday, July 30, 7:30-8:30 p.m., during a Second Roundtable Discussion at the Chappaqua Library. Town Supervisor Robert Greenstein states that “these discussions provide an opportunity for participants to share their views about important issues facing New Castle.”

The following questions will be included:

1) Why stay in town & pay taxes after your kids have left the house?

2) Would you want to downsize–to save money and time on maintenance–and still stay in town?

3) If you downsized, what type of housing would you prefer (condos, townhome, one-story house, active upscale living communities)?

4) Would housing near the train station interest you?

5) What are the services available for seniors (transportation, meals on wheels, volunteer opportunities)?

roundtable discussions

Filed Under: New Castle News Tagged With: Chappaqua, empty nest, Inside Press, services, taxes, theinsidepress.com

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