The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

suicide

Understanding Life After Suicide

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(L-R): Sean A. Mayer and Dr. Ashton

Dr. Jennifer Ashton from ABC News & GMA Shares her Experiences with Mental Health and Suicide at the Chappaqua Performing Arts Center

We need to start looking at mental health and mental illness no differently than we look at physical conditions.

On Sept 26th, Dr. Jennifer Ashton, Ob-Gyn, ABC News Chief Medical Correspondent and Good Morning America (GMA) Medical Correspondent, met with members of our community to discuss her recently released book Life After Suicide: Finding Courage, Comfort & Community After Unthinkable Loss.

Westchester Mental Health Association (MHA) Board Member and mental health advocate Sean A. Mayer, who lost his brother to suicide several years ago, joined Dr. Ashton for this discussion; the latest in an ongoing series MHA has developed to educate the public about mental health.

The loss of a loved one to mental illness leaves unimaginable devastation. Ashton experienced this loss first hand in 2017. She pointed out that same year, over 47,000 Americans died by suicide. It is estimated that for every person who dies by suicide 135 people are directly affected. That means over 6 million people are impacted every year. Despite the enormity of this issue, she still felt very much alone.

Ashton and Mayer spoke of sadness, anger, guilt and how one is never prepared for suicide. Ashton’s world seemed to fall apart; she used the metaphor of a plate shattering to describe how she had felt. She was baffled by questions like: What did I miss? Was this my fault? She recalled others remarking: How could this happen; everything looked perfect? What is important to realize is that mental illness and suicide are complex issues and often not a reflection of what is seen on the outside.

As a survivor of suicide, the last thing Ashton wanted to do was to defend the father of her children during this difficult time. Suicide is misunderstood; many think of it as cowardice and selfish. She pointed out that it takes the antithesis of cowardice to take your own life. People who have attempted suicide explain that they were doing it for other people. They feel that they are a burden; that those they love would be better off without them. Mayer offered a helpful explanation that what people don’t realize is that the victim just wants the pain to end. People can’t wrap their brains around that, but it’s not selfish.

(L-R): Brian Halloran, Dr. Ashton & Jolina Halloran
Photos courtesy of Break the Hold Foundation
Ashton was proud of the emotional maturity with which her children viewed their father’s death. Her children felt their dad “had a disease like cancer and it killed him. They wouldn’t be angry with someone who died of cancer so how could they be angry with him?” They did not go down the “anger road,” and so she didn’t either. “When you think of mental illness as an illness no different than cancer, it certainly reframes it.”

Mental health and wellness should be looked at with equal importance to physical disease. Ashton referred to the phrase “check up from the neck up” and asked the audience when the last time their health provider inquired about their mental wellness? Similarly, she wonders how often friends and family inquire? “Until we (ask these questions) we are not going to accomplish as much in terms of prevention as we need to, to save people’s lives.” Ashton warns.

“If you have high blood pressure most people don’t have a problem taking a pill or going on a behavioral regiment to treat that. If you feel anxious, depressed or hopeless, there is help available… but we don’t ask for it…. Why? Because we look at it as a weakness. That must change.

We need to look at mental illness like depression and anxiety no differently than cancer or heart disease.”

Our Youth at Risk

Children, teenagers and young adults have poorly developed frontal lobes in their brains; judgement is not their strong suit. Hence, pediatric and adolescent suicides tend to be impulsive whereas adult suicide is often more methodical. Not only do children and teens have a biological explanation for their impulsivity but they also do not have the life experience to provide context to emotional distress. In addition, social media has opened a huge can of worms for the younger generation; cyberbullying is a big issue. We live in an increasingly complicated world. Awareness and support for those of all ages is needed now more than ever.

The strategy of not talking about suicide so the kids don’t find out about it is about as effective as not talking about sex and substance abuse. It’s not going to work to sweep this under the rug.

Lessons in Healing

Two mantras have been helpful to Ashton throughout the healing process: “If you resist, it will persist” and “If you want to heal you have to feel.” Ashton has reevaluated her focus on perfection, strength and accomplishment. She still wants to achieve her goals, but has learned that accepting flaws and allowing herself to feel pain, weakness and failure is what has enabled her to heal. Ultimately, the only option Ashton had was to glue the ugly, flawed pieces of her life back together. Ashton feels her “plate” is stronger now. She is still picking up the pieces, but she is no longer focused on external appearances and she knows she will be ok.

How Can You Help?

Open discussions like this are important in the fight against mental illness and suicide. Increased awareness is making a difference. Last year, New York State became among the first states in the nation to require schools to include mental health instruction in the K-12 health curriculum. Schools are now mandated to teach students skills they can use if they are facing a mental health issue or what to do if another student needs help.

Getting ahead of this mental health crisis is going to require a lot of compassion and nonjudgement. The stigma associated with mental illness is a huge barrier to the resolution of this highly treatable issue. Local resources, like the Break the Hold (BTH) Foundation of Pleasantville, are making strides by providing safe and accessible resources to those who need them. We know how to recognize and react to someone with asthma, allergies and many other medical concerns. Similarly, we need to arm everyone, including kids and teens, with the knowledge of how to identify the signs and symptoms of mental health issues and the skills to help someone in distress.

Special thanks to BTH (bthbreakthehold.org), MHA (mhawestchester.org) and The Westchester County Department of Community Mental Health (mentalhealth.westchestergov.com) for their work to reduce the risk of suicide in our communities. National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK, or text 741-741.

The Space Between Light and Darkness BREAK THE HOLD FOUNDATION

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PHOTOS BY DONNA MUELLER

Changing the Conversation about Youth Mental Health

Mental health issues can be difficult to understand. Struggles of the mind are laden with kaleidoscopic subtleties that can complicate their management and resolution. How can we help someone who is in a place where the pain and suffering in their mind is so terrible that it outweighs everything else life offers? Between the light of wellness and the darkness of mental illness there is a dim place that is under-discussed. It is here that a social network, community, family, friends and self-care plays a crucial role; this is where life-saving opportunities are being missed.

Through a new and innovative program, the Break The Hold (BTH) Foundation of Pleasantville is making strides by breaking down misconceptions about mental illness and building a safety network that mitigates the real risk factors. They are, in effect, extending branches for those suffering to grab hold of and implementing safety nets to catch those who are spiraling into darkness.

Driven by the love for their middle son, Brian T. Halloran, who lost his battle with depression in January of 2018, Pleasantville residents Brian and Jolina Halloran are determined to help those suffering the way he did. Through the BTH Foundation, named after their son’s initials, the

Suicide is the second leading cause of death for ages 10-24. Each day in the U.S., there is an average of over 3,470 attempts by young people in grades 9-12. Four out of Five teens who attempt suicide have given clear warning signs. They don’t want to die.

Source: bthbreakthehold.org

Hallorans provide school and community-based advocacy programs that promote emotional wellness, resilience and suicide prevention in Pleasantville and nearby communities. Their program focuses on suicide education, raising awareness of the warning signs and empowering young people to have the courage to communicate about this difficult but important issue. The BTH Foundation is giving the community the tools to deal with mental health preventatively and is referring those suffering to the appropriate places to get the help they need. The outstanding progress the BTH Foundation has made merits attention.

The Education Platform – BTH 360

In short, the BTH Foundation’s mission is suicide prevention. The BTH program advocates a safety net system of “Recognizing and Referring”; teaching those in the community how to recognize someone suffering and refer them to receive appropriate help. “We often hear that a friend had seen a flag that could have been addressed but felt that saying something about their friend’s struggles is snitching. The message needs to get out that keeping friends healthy and happy is the right thing to do,” says Brian Halloran.

When BTH is contacted, they have a team of clinicians who, based on a triage system, put together an action plan to help connect those in need with viable options and work to overcome barriers to treatment such as financial cost.

Prevention through education is key. The BTH Foundation has worked alongside the Pleasantville High School (PHS) administration and a team of local psychologists.  Together, they have developed programming for the school district that satisfies the NY State mandates for mental health in the curriculum. Their program is focused on teaching Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which is evidence-based training for emotional regulation. DBT uses mindfulness strategies to manage emotions, increasing student’s tolerance of negative emotions.

The idea is that everyone will be speaking the same language, everyone will learn to respond a little bit more thoughtfully rather than emotionally. We must get to the kids early. They need to be able to understand and communicate what is going on in their heads,” says Halloran.

Last September, ninth graders in PHS had 16 hours of mandated mental health education incorporated into the school curriculum. This coming school year, fifth graders will receive 10 hours of the program. Within 4 years everyone at PHS will have had 26 hours of DBT training. In addition, all staff in the Pleasantville High School, Middle School and Elementary School are receiving 8 hours of DBT training. Parent workshops are offered regularly.

It is especially important to educate teens before they go to college. The BTH Foundation arranges senior transition meetings to help. “Adolescents lose many protective factors once they leave home to go away to college. Many risk factors increase at this time,” Halloran warns.

BTH is sharing their model with neighboring school districts around Westchester. For example, this Fall, the program will be rolled out to ninth graders at Alexander Hamilton High School in Elmsford.  The Foundation is also working to get government resources.

Dismantling the Stigma

Those suffering with mental illness are not the only ones in the dark. Some people think of suicide as “the ultimate selfish act” and wonder “how could they do that to their family and friends?” These judgements are often based on misconceptions. Most who die by suicide do not want to end their life; they want to escape their pain. Suicide is not a rational decision; it is one made under extreme duress.

A person trapped in a burning building might reasonably make the decision to jump out of the window rather than suffer the pain and anguish of being burned by the fire. A person jumping off a bridge to end their life is trying to escape pain that is very real, just like the pain of burning to death. The instinct to escape mental suffering can be as powerful as the instinct to escape physical pain. BTH is trying to break down social barriers to recovery by addressing misconceptions and normalizing the conversation about mental health.

Mental health is a public health issue requiring the help of the entire community. We have lifeguards and life preservers to mitigate the risks of swimming, the Heimlich maneuver to prevent choking and defibrillators in the case of cardiac arrest. Public controls are placed in countless situations to manage health risks. The BTH system of Recognizing and Referring is something everyone can help implement. The community should not underestimate how important they are.

Are you OK? Is something wrong? Can I help you? Those were the words I desperately wanted to hear.” – Kevin Hines, Suicide The Ripple Effect

The Art of Mental Wellness

We can’t stop thoughts from coming into our heads, but we can cultivate an awareness of them. Just because a thought is in your head does not mean it’s true. Skills can be taught so thoughts can be assessed and managed. For someone struggling with a mental illness like depression, thoughts of self-criticism and self-doubt can grow to become powerful and even debilitating. Thoughts like: “everything I do is wrong”, “nobody likes me”, “everyone I love would be better off without me”, “I have nothing to give”, “I am not able to live up to what everyone needs from me” and “I am a failure.”

Living with these ruminating thoughts is frightening and painful.

Unable to control and manage overwhelming negative thoughts, and not understanding what is happening in your head, can lead to a feeling of being trapped. Panic can ensue and bring with it impulses to escape the epic amount of mental and emotional suffering that the negative thoughts create.

The shame of what is secretly happening inside one’s mind prevents resolution and the thoughts continue to spiral. “I felt unable to function. I was being crippled by my struggle as the pain got louder and louder. It might have looked like I was ok on the outside, but the amount of work it took to maintain this false appearance was not sustainable,” recalls one survivor of depression.

The shame that prevents one from reaching out for help is a huge barrier to treatment. The person suffers internally in silence as their condition worsens and signs are missed.

Those who could help don’t know how to read the signs indicating there is an issue, and if they do sense there is something going on they don’t know how to react. If the person continues to suffer in silence, they are unlikely to get better. Depending on the sufferer’s resilience and stress factors, the bubble can ultimately break.

Please remember to be kind. You never know what someone else is going through. Jolina Halloran.

Mental health struggles are managed best when openly discussed. “There is a false belief that talking about suicide will escalate the idea. However, the opposite is, in fact, the case. An adolescent or young adult who is spiraling downward benefits immensely from simply talking about their thoughts”, says Dr. Gayle Augenbaum, a child and adolescent psychiatry specialist who practices in Armonk. BTH gives people a safe and accessible place for these conversations to take place. These simple conversations can deter unhealthy choices such as self-medicating with drugs and alcohol or worse.

Ultimately the BTH Foundation encourages people to be involved in their own self-care. “If you want to beat this mental illness problem, you have to be involved in the process. Everyone can help and we need a network and a community of support, but it is also necessary to take effort in and be proactive in your own self-care,” advises Halloran. Just as an individual with asthma pays extra attention to their breath, and a person with a food allergy has a heightened awareness of what they eat; similarly, a person who suffers from “brain pain” can become aware of the thoughts that enter their minds and learn how to manage them.

You don’t necessarily beat depression once and then it is gone. It is often something you live with throughout your life. When a person who suffers from depression is well, they can learn to practice preventative measures to maintain and manage their mental health. Mental illnesses like depression can break down one’s resilience over time and can turn thoughts into irrational behavior. But the key is “over time”; that’s where the opportunity lies, between the light and the darkness.

How Mindfulness Can Help

The principles behind mindfulness are the basis for much of DBT. Mindfulness concepts like self-compassion, non-judgement and gratitude can redirect thoughts from the darkness into the light. “Meditation helps bring awareness to your thoughts. You are not blocking thoughts but relating to them differently, letting them come and go and observing them. This will help in life because you will be able to recognize when thoughts are not helpful and can dismiss them instead of intensifying them which can lead to sadness or anxiety,” says Jodi Baretz, a holistic based therapist from the Center for Health and Healing in Mt. Kisco.

There are other methods to proactively keep one’s mental health in shape. Exercise can help in many ways including shifting one’s focus from the mind to the body. Getting enough sleep can play a big role as well.

The Next Generation

There is concern that the next generation is especially at risk of depression. Technology fosters social isolation; the omnipresent screens that children and teens are growing up with are barriers to human interaction. Mental illness breeds on social isolation; humans are meant to be in groups and care about one another.

While it is extraordinarily difficult for an adult to manage a mental illness, it is even more difficult for a child or adolescent. “Kids and teenagers don’t have the right words to name their emotions and their frontal lobes are not finished developing. Therefore, they are more impulsive and more reactive and tend to be more rigid with whatever they are feeling, not recognizing that there is hope for change.” Says Augenbaum. Teens don’t have the ability yet to understand that situations aren’t permanent. This is a learned lesson that takes time and life experience they don’t yet have. And so, the risk factors continue to pile up.

Walking into the Light

The Hallorans have suffered the unimaginable in losing their son Brian. But with the work of the BTH Foundation, steps have been taken towards compassion and understanding and away from judgement and misconception. Every time a teen who has gone down the road of darkness is given the tools to recover, Brian is there. With Brian’s light leading the way, steps are being taken in the right direction. This past June, the community showed their support by participating in the BTH Foundation’s second suicide awareness walk. The steps they took communicated a clear message to those suffering from mental illness: you are not alone in this fight; we will walk into the light with you. For more information, please visit:  www.bthbreakthehold.org

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

800-273-TALK (8255) or Text “TALK” to 741-741

A Bit About Brian

Brian was a beloved son, brother and friend. He was well-liked, smart and athletic. He was friendly and had a lot of empathy for others. His parents knew he was a good person but “didn’t realize how kind he was”.  After he passed away, friends and acquaintances contacted his parents and told them that if Brian saw someone who seemed sad he would not hesitate to reach out to them.

Brian appeared to most to be a typical teenager, but underneath his strong exterior he was suffering from depression. Depression can come and go. It can appear to be managed but then come back. Though Brian had been doing well, still the day came in January 2018 when his parents got a knock on their door. Brian had died by suicide while away at school in South Carolina. Before Brian died he reached out to several people but was not able to connect with anyone.

 

Courage & Compassion in Times of Crisis: The Keys to Helping Yourself or Anyone You Know

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Full Disclosure: I was not an active follower of either Kate Spade or Anthony Bourdain. In this day and age of social media and celebrity, I certainly knew who both were and what each brought to the table, pun intended. I never purchased the eponymous bag that made Miss Spade a household name. I should have been quite a fan of Mr. Bourdain, but truth be told, watching his programs discouraged me in recent years. I was reminded of all I have lost since the first of three major surgeries left me even more mobility impaired than I had been for the first 42+ years of my life. Additional truth be told, I’m a fashionista wanna-be born in the wrong body and a frustrated hostess with the mostess not to mention a grounded adventurer.

The two recent high profile suicides early this summer raised the serious topic of depression once again. It takes the hard to believe self-inflicted deaths of the famous for this to be covered in the news with the exception of occasional reporting on teen suicide as well as the high suicide rate among veterans. The death of beloved Robin Williams highlighted the topic that still today seems taboo. The vast majority of his fans, knowing him only from the small or big screens making us laugh, found it unbelievable that he could be desperately unhappy, depressed. Do we really WANT to know that friends, family or celebrities can be feeling hopeless?

Many who have read my blogs or followed my Just Call Me Geri Facebook page probably know that my Mother (the one who chose me from a newspaper picture), from my earliest consciousness, taught me the importance of not feeling sorry for myself. The message included the tacit warning that no one would like me if I showed self-pity. It was only decades later that I would learn that there is a significant difference between whining and legitimately feeling down due to my circumstances.

By no means have I had the worst life, far from it, but I started life with strikes against me, first being born in a deformed shell with a condition called Diastrophic Dysplasia (some still call it dwarfism) that would embody my soul and personality. Being abandoned in the hospital by biological parents who left instructions behind that “no pictures to be taken of this baby” added 2nd and 3rd strikes, yet I was never out.

I won’t list the entire litany of hardships faced through 50 years but some include:

  • Being asked why I would want to have a baby and do to them what happened to me;
  • Being humiliated at a summer camp by someone supposedly to have been family;
  • Hearing sighs, groans and whispers when people had to help me in/out of cars or up stairs (who’s going to help Geri?”) and to stay away during emergencies;
  • Being “gently” told I could never provide a home for a man I had feelings for and not to expect to ever get married;
  • Being “harassed” by a married man who knew I would have little to no other intimate opportunities;
  • Being belittled and disrespected in hospital facilities when known I was alone;
  • Having inappropriate medical treatments or not having appropriate medical interventions due to Government restrictions;
  • Being at mercy of caregivers, who can be rude, rough and larcenous;
  • Being told I’m too depressing to talk to …

When at 40 I had finally obtained a Master’s Degree to begin a long in trying to figure out career, I was soon stymied, having that career cut short by three surgeries that left me in worse shape than before. The last two surgeries I never would have consented to if I had been warned my mobility would be all but lost completely. I would have opted for shorter life span over non quality of life. When over 10–30 years ago I’d fall into pits of despair, I struggled mightily, conjured up plans, fingering bottles of medication, really my only option. Remembering the haunting conclusion of Edith Wharton’s “Ethan Frome” always prevented me from trying anything self destructive with my car, the only other possible tool at my disposal. Yet, I always dug deep, as far inside as I could to keep the wavering flame from going out. Once such night in the wee hours, I remember sitting on the floor by my bed sobbing with heaving muted screams. What brought me back was thinking of “my kids” and their parents …how would they explain to them that I gave up?

This disclosure can possibly hurt my alternate career in the making …aiming to be a successful inspirational speaker but this is my truth. I cannot be phony. I’m not asking for people to feel sorry for me, but to understand that there are no easy answers.

More additional truth be told, I’d much rather laugh than cry. I actually enjoy having others laugh at my sometimes corny, other times bawdy, humor. I really should find an amateur Stand Up/Sit Down Comedy venue. Ridiculous irony from the universe, I’m rather an extrovert. God couldn’t have made me an agoraphobic?

I have my “highs” when I have several speaking engagements booked but then the “lows” (oxymoronic?) come rising up. (oxymoronic?) when I can’t seem to break through, catch that one break. My life is not one that made headlines because of a national crisis such as the Boston Marathon Bombing. I didn’t lose limbs while fighting for my Country. I didn’t grow up in

the age of social media where Promposals to kids with Special Needs go viral. I do not begrudge today’s kids who benefit from widespread inclusion.

I do not begrudge these later generations of kids who have benefited from widespread inclusion. In fact, I’d like to think I helped pave the way. Perhaps I have been “of use” to quote John Irving’s Dr. Larch.

Depression can take deep hold of anyone. For those suffering, suicide can seem like the only way out. Others may see it as selfish. Feeling like a burden is not easy but once a person has that initial thought, it becomes nearly impossible to erase it from one’s mindset. Please have compassion for those who have left via their own actions. And if you “can handle the truth,” reach out to those who may be struggling. When I encourage students to look after each other, I ask, “wouldn’t you want someone to look after you?” For those who are struggling, please try to let someone know you’re hurting, reach deep down inside and find the courage to reach out for assistance without shame. Keep your flame lit!

Judy Collins Helps Break the Taboo at MHA of Westchester Fundraiser

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judy-collins-best

“Break the taboo, tell the story,” Judy Collins told attendees of “An Evening of Conversation and Song,” the October 13th fundraiser for the Mental Health Association of Westchester at the Emelin Theater.

Collins, or “Judy Blue Eyes,” –- the legendary singer/songwriter of now classic American songs including “Both Sides, Now” and “Send in the Clowns,” –- proceeded to do just that, as she shared stories of her struggles with alcohol … “I was safe in New York with my therapist and half gallons of vodka.”

With depression…”While the outer self is looking so terrific, the inner self is saying: help, help.”

And finally, the different circumstances surrounding the suicide of her son and her own suicide attempt recovery.  “The music saved me,” she shared. “It always has…Art makes it possible to survive on this planet.”

And so has the understanding that failure is ‘ok,’ she said.

“Scientists will tell you they learn the most from their failures,” Collins said. “There is no guilt in suicide…it is all about the process of getting from one point to the other.”

There are people who know that ‘truth,’ she added. And advised: “Be part of that clan” who offer “a bridge to life.” She commended the staff and volunteers of the MHA “for the miraculous work you do.” Following Judys’ talk, attendees enjoyed a reception and book signing.

For more information, please visit mhawestchester.org.

 Grace Bennett, Publisher and Editor of the Inside Press, was recipient of a 2015 Media Award from the MHA of Westchester and a media sponsor for this event.

Judy Collins with Armonk resident Shari Applebaum
Judy Collins with Armonk resident Shari Applebaum

judy-collins-best-book

Time To Talk: 
Broaching the Difficult Topic of Depression
 and Suicide in Teens and Young Adults

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counseling-for-teens6By Janine Crowley Haynes

“We hope that by heightening awareness about mental health challenges, we can make a difference in the lives of persons whose painful struggle can feel so bleak at times and to provide opportunities to seek valuable help and resources. 

Miles’ enduring love for his family and friends, gentle ways, and deep sensitivity he had for others will always remain within all of us. We are thankful to have clips of Miles playing his guitars, photos of him running at many of his track meets swift as a deer, countless family occasions and his poetry writings–a powerful means for us to connect to him, cherish the memories and to reflect on.

As the mother of Miles, my dream is for anyone who struggles with depression to not be afraid of reaching out to ask for help, and for the professionals to have better means of assessing depression from its earliest onset. My message is that there is always hope to see the light beyond the darkness–when one can muster the courage no matter how painful it may feel–and know that with a new day there is always a new beginning.   

Miles would have wanted us to spread the love so please let your readers know to hug someone they care about everyday!” Shari, Ed, Max and Hannah

—

Along with so many in our Westchester community, my heart broke when I heard the news of Miles Applebaum’s untimely death.* Young people taking their own lives is happening all too often in our communities. The American Psychological Association (APA) notes that suicide is the third leading cause of death in teens and young people, ages 15-24, and that it’s increasing at an alarming rate. In addition, for every completed suicide, there are approximately 100-200 attempts.

The topic of mental illness and suicide, especially amongst our kids, is a complicated, emotionally charged topic not easily open for public discussion. For me, it unearths the pain and guilt of my own suicide attempt. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 31, but looking back, I presented symptoms as a teen that flew under the radar. I am one in four (approximately 61.5 million) adult Americans struggling with a mental illness in a given year.

We all know the protocol when one is diagnosed with a mental illness. Early intervention is key. We do our research, seek professional help, and decide on the best form of treatment. But when our child is assigned a diagnosis, how do we know if they’re at risk for suicide? Not all children fit the clinical mold. According to Dr. Madeline Levine, author of The Price of Privilege and a featured speaker of both Chappaqua and Armonk PTAs last year, many of her adolescent patients “have a notable ability to put up a good front.”

“There are many components that go into whether a teen is at risk for suicide,” says William M. Dince, P.h.D., a psychologist and Chappaqua resident specializing in neuropsychologically-based assessment and treatment. “Parents can begin by looking at the APA list of warning signs. It is then essential to go for a consultation to assess the degree of risk. We can observe behaviors, body language, what a child talks about, etc. We talk with parents, get a sense of their family structure, their social environment…It is essential to measure the degree of impulsivity that is present, as many suicides are the result of an impulsive act during a moment of despair,” Dr. Dince adds. Impulsivity is the diminished ability to think through the consequences of one’s actions, and youth is a time of impulsivity.

Then comes the tough decision: Treatment. Choosing from all the different forms of therapy can be daunting, and, if a medication is prescribed, the list of serious side effects must be considered. Also, one medication may work wonders for one individual but adversely affect another. Sometimes additional medications are added. Some medications can work well for a while then be rendered ineffective. It can take months for a person to feel the full, positive effects. Recovery can be a painstakingly long road.

I turned to my psychiatrist, Dr. Anri Kissilenko, of Silver Hill Hospital, for his perspective. “There are times when it’s necessary to put a teen or young adult on medication, but it’s important to note this is a critical time period when a patient needs to be closely monitored,” says Dr. Kissilenko. “If a patient is being treated, let’s say, for depression, there’s a phase when the medication starts lifting symptoms and a patient begins to experience an increase in energy level. However, their total sense of wellbeing has not caught up. Stabilization has not yet been fully achieved. They may still be experiencing negative and suicidal thoughts. It’s during this critical time when a patient’s motivation [or impulsivity] to attempt suicide is high.”

In addition, there are the countless societal aspects to be considered. In our culture, our children graduate high school, go to college, then head off to work or graduate school by the young age of 22. We consider them ready to take on the challenges that go along with being an adult. Yet, from ages 18-24, the part of the brain that helps develop a sense of self/identity, continues to develop.

So what’s one cultural difference for this generation? What’s changed in our communities that make our children susceptible? “Welcome to Stresschester,” a mom recently said to me. I laughed, but that statement packs quite a punch. Our kids have enormous pressures placed on them. On top of rigorous academic programs, their schedules are filled with extracurricular activities. For the most part, our children thrive. My son did, but not without feeling the stress. As parents, we want to provide them with every advantage to succeed in this highly competitive world. Join some clubs, take music lessons, be an athlete, be a dual athlete, volunteer time–sound familiar? With such a full schedule, “there’s an absence of 
what’s called unstructured play,” 
Dr. Dince remarks.

We don’t have to dip far into the past to compare our childhood to our children’s. Most of us went to school, came home, got a snack, did some homework, and ran outside to play with friends. We ran into conflict, learned how to compromise and resolved problems with our peers without too much parental intervention. “Unstructured play helps to develop our sense of self and equips us with a social skill set that prepares us for the real world filled with conflict, rejection, and failure,” states Dr. Dince.

This topic is multifaceted, and I am limited when it comes to speaking authoritatively. However, what I can offer is my personal perspective as one who attempted suicide. I had all the right boxes checked. Loving, supportive family? Check. Healthcare? Check. Top doctors and hospital? Check and check. So how could I conceivably have the audacity to attempt suicide?

My only answer is to try to explain to a healthy brain how a sick brain works. To the healthy brain, suicide is an incomprehensible, selfish act. However, to a sick brain, it feels like the only logical solution. I convinced myself that my family would be better off without me and my illness. After 10 years of going in and out of vicious bipolar cycles, I couldn’t bear another second. I wanted out of my body. So, without consideration of the destruction I’d leave behind, I swallowed a bunch of pills to end my misery. In hindsight, I experienced that moment of impulsivity. A sick brain doesn’t consider the devastating consequences. I’ve been episode-free for ten years now, yet I still carry the guilt of that dark day. But I’m one of the lucky ones. I survived. I’ve learned to manage and treat my bipolar disorder as if it were any other potentially life-threatening illness.

At this point, I wish I could provide a fail-safe list for attaining and maintaining a state of wellbeing, but there are too many variables in life to have one specific formula. However, I don’t want to end this discussion without acknowledging some of the positive life lessons that came out of something so horrible. Taking ownership of my bipolar disorder and apologizing for my suicide attempt was important to healing as a family unit. The compassion, understanding, and forgiveness I received from my family has been one powerful elixir. Although my family has not come away unscathed, we have managed to come to a place of peace and resolve.

From the human perspective, losing a child is every parent’s worst nightmare. A loss to suicide should not be put into a separate category from the child we lose to any other life-threatening illness. May their struggles not be forgotten or stigmatized. May their families find comfort in the outpouring of love from our communities. Above all, may we honor and remember them for all the love, joy, and laughter they brought into our lives.

Janine Crowley Haynes is a Chappaqua resident and author of My Kind of Crazy: Living in a Bipolar World

*Publisher’s Note: Early in October, the life of the multi-dimensional and exceptionally talented 21-year-old Miles Applebaum was celebrated during a beautiful service attended by hundreds at Congregation B’nai Yisrael in Armonk.  Miles’ deep love for his family and friends–his absolute passion for music and poetry, and most of all, his gentle soul–were all lovingly remembered.  All of us here at Inside Armonk also offer our utmost condolences to the Applebaum family during this difficult period.

– Grace

Also see “When It’s Personal: a Dad Speaks out on the Loss of his Son” by Chappaqua’s Richard Klein.

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Resources & References

If you know someone is in 
immediate danger of hurting themselves or others, call 911.

  • The Mental Health Association of Westchester (MHAW), whose mission is to promote mental health in Westchester County through advocacy, community education, and direct services. www.mhawestchester.org
  • The Brain & Behavior Research Foundation, committed to awarding grants that will lead to advances and breakthroughs in scientific research. 
www.bbrfoundation.org