The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

isolation

The Experience of Being a Single Mom and Going it Solo during COVID-19

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The following was written on April 13, 2020, as an FYI, and edited here for publishing clarity. Three plus weeks later, the feelings are pretty much status quo, although I’ve settled into more of a routine, which helps. Like many, I imagine I’d be in a state of acute despair without Governor Cuomo’s daily briefings or summaries.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I simply wish to bear witness to my personal experience as a Single American, Empty Nest mom staying home solo and doing my best to follow the new COVID-19 rules. 

My 23-year-old son lived with me for Month 1 of ‘all this.’ Renewed bonds, his humor, mine too, all helped ease the transition to this ‘new way.’  I loved having him here, in fact, after two plus years since starting empty nest in earnest (that is, post his graduation from college when he moved into the city permanently). 

It may appear at first glance that I rescued him bringing him home to the burbs after he developed mild symptoms, got diagnosed as positive with COVID-19, and recovered here, but I know the truth now.

A certain household structure of cooking and meal preparation is comforting and calming. Permission to and the ability to take care of a loved one are absolute gifts, too.

Please never take any of that for granted, ever, not for a minute.

So…

This one is for all the single people living in what boils down to, what is amounting to, a stretch of house arrest.

But ok, without the ankle bracelet.

Yes, social media and FaceTime calls with kids, family and special friends help. It has been especially heartening to keep up with my daughter almost daily as I had been feeling we had grown apart. She has taught herself new skills, and I’m planning on blaring about them soon too, if she’ll let me.

Yes, absolutely, a Zoom meeting or the sometimes seemingly infinite number of fitness or meditation classes and musicians and entertainers and political/educational forums online breaks things up and absolutely does help with motivation or to keep spirits up.

I’d have been lost for a stretch without private stretching/exercise sessions with a therapist from New Castle Physical Therapy for a back-related issue.

Laughter has been key to so many getting through this, so trust me that all the funny online posts in goofy Facebook groups or from all the self styled comedians out there are amazing lifelines for me, too.

I marvel at all the ingenuity and entrepreneurship and ponder the transforming future of where we will all land in the realm of real time versus virtual time. 

Still.. I spend a lot of time online for my work, so I look forward to getting off line… so there’s that. Ultimately, online communication is not like having humans in proximity in your home-whether it’s hearing the sound of a voice or seeing the gleam in someone’s eye. If you are a people person, which I am, by and large, the absence of  ‘actual’ time together is felt deeply.

If you don’t own a pet, which I don’t anymore (a long story for another day, perhaps), yes, it’s far worse than that.

I hear a lot: “I can’t imagine not having my dog through this (or dogs, or cat, or cats).”

Well, imagine it. Many single people do not have pets for a variety of reasons. At this juncture, I don’t have a pet. Not even a fish. And that is that, too. I am not looking for leads on getting a pet, so please, dear reader, do not go there. It actually hurts for you to. I’m fully aware of the options, and let’s just say, it’s complicated.

For me, all I know is that today is Day 10 of alone during COVID-19. For many, it’s well into the 20s, 30s or even 40 plus days. I contemplate the continued impact of long-term isolation. 

Whether it’s your kid’s groan when you tell him to get back to his homework, or your spouse or significant other yelling out, “What’s for dinner?”, please don’t underestimate the value and comfort of a voice that’s in proximity to you. I wonder: Will I settle into isolation? Will it get easier? Harder? Impossible to bear?

I am a person who considers my mental health as intact, stable as she goes. But anxiety is taking hold now, and I’m keeping a variety of toll-free numbers handy. 

The days are much easier than the nights. I am intensely grateful to live where there are many neighbors in proximity, at least. I take my near daily walk for the people and pet visuals, for the dose of Vitamin D, too. The sun sustains me like nothing else. I appreciate even a wave from six feet away at the occasional neighbor, or even someone’s puppy or dog wagging its tail. 

Neighbors’ eyes sparkle and even the wrinkles surrounding them ‘speak’ to me from above the bridge of a nose and circumference of a mask. If they are not wearing masks, I keep my distance, wave anyway, and pray they simply stay safe, too. 

I like getting into my car for the reminder of the old normal as I set about to perform only the most necessary errands. I gratefully take in the ‘hum’ and ‘sounds’ of the market, or at the pharmacy, too. Those fill the soul some, too.

When night falls, a certain fear takes hold, a sense of vulnerability that’s hard to explain. Maybe it’s when all these feelings of aloneness peak. Watching TV, binge watching especially, helps a good deal. I mourn the end of any good series! When I turn the net and TV off, though, it’s me again, and… the pockets of dark space. I’ll slog through some darkness, contemplate the dishes in the sink, but usually choose to leave them for the morning. I try to reduce the night hours by going to sleep as early as possible. Sleep is a bit of a messy affair, too, also the subject of a future post. 

I won’t venture too much here into the lack of touch or intimacy and the total weirdness of virtual dating, or rather, foregoing virtual dating, for the most part.  For reasons also best left to another column, perhaps, I will say I don’t feel this is the time to embark on new romance, either. For personal reasons, I wasn’t necessarily ready for new romance before COVID-19, and I don’t believe that has changed. If anything, those feelings are exacerbated. Still, I’ve always been in the never say never school, too. 

I don’t want pity, but compassion and understanding are great. I don’t need advice or suggestions either. Or maybe I do. I don’t know.

I understand my feelings are unique too, and not universal.  An old friend, similarly alone, is not experiencing it this way at all, and even expressed a comfort level with the isolation, so go figure. She describes herself as perhaps always having been an introvert and that somehow ‘all this’ is suiting her.  I would describe myself as more of an extrovert (although a shy one, too, in a way, as contradictory as that may sound), so perhaps we are hit a bit harder. Then again, I always loved my alone time, too, but by design. And choice. So, again, I don’t know.

I am not writing this to compare pain and painful situations. The tragedy is devastating and on some days, beyond all comprehension. The disease has hit terribly hard taking tens of thousands of lives across the country, hundreds of thousands across the world, and threatening the health of family members, roommates, as it devastates nursing home residences, in particular. Prison populations have also been horribly impacted. And so on.  Solo in my otherwise comfortable suburban pad is certainly also better than any domestically violent situation in any socio-economic circumstance.

And yet, what I want to convey, is that pain is relative, and that the pain here is real for me, too.

Human beings are largely social creatures. Our souls are tested, and I believe shrink in any prolonged isolation. I want to erase the stigma too that anyone weathering this solo is similarly feeling. I know that I’m not alone with these feelings, and that they are widespread.

And yes, yes. I am still counting my blessings to be alive and healthy. I was never going to even share these words as I worry  they may sound somewhat self indulgent or morose. But then again, if a pandemic is not the time to feel those things too, then I don’t know what is. You are welcome to search elsewhere for inspiring and uplifting right now.  I have tried to keep busy sharing all the drama and news I possibly can through this press on a most limited budget. I have plenty of work to do to make sure my 17-year-old business survives COVID-19.  I’ll overshare too that it can feel like wading through molasses. I go through all the steps I’m advised to take as a small business and wait for those to bear fruit.  And wait.  I have rooms and a garage I promised myself I could declutter now, but somehow, paralyzed to, since that feels like the ultimate solo punishment.

I write this simply to self-express (that helps me, so forgive me if my oversharing causes you any discomfort). Finally, I share also to express that I do feel empathy for everyone weathering this storm. My heart goes out to all of you, to those single and to those in semi full or very full houses (maybe we can trade places for a day?) and all your own unique challenges.  And yes, I must believe that we too can get through this, #AloneTogether, and #NewYorkTough. Or when you’re not feeling so tough sometimes, too. 

 

NY17 Candidate Allison Fine Emphasizes a Commitment to Empowering People

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My interview with Allison Fine, congressional candidate for the 17th District, took place late in February and was slated to run as part of the mix inside May Mother’s Day editions prior to the print editions being canceled. So here it is for our online edition, one in a series of profiles of congressional candidates for the 17th District we have been presenting. 

During this period of quarantining and isolation too, if there is one thing I’ll remember most from speaking with Allison Fine it was her immediately relaying to me her #1 passion: to make sure every single person is known, seen and heard. “So much of what has pulled us apart in the last 30 years is people feeling invisible, unheard and powerless.”

Allison Fine, candidate for the 17th District  PHOTO by Grace Bennett

Fine has authored three books relating to harnessing technology for social good. “My entire career has been about giving people the tools and the power to manage their own life,” she said, noting she initially focused on helping nonprofits define and measure their success. More recently, she has worked with the Gates Foundation on the impact of artificial intelligence and automation on social change. As chair of the National Board of NARAL, the Pro-Choice America Foundation, she also sought to give people the tools to have autonomy over their own lives.

“Over the last 30 years we have seen the collapse of the middle class, and that is why our politics don’t align with our people, why we don’t have the political will for common sense gun control and reproductive freedom,” Fine said, noting the resultant loss of accountability. She believes that her focus on giving people that voice and power makes her unique in this race.

“It is that kind of building and shifting power to give more people a voice and the ability to control their own life that I know best in this race. So, this is not a moment in time to elect people who are career politicians and have worked inside this system – this is a time to have people who have very different experiences building and creating power outside to take us into the next chapter,” Fine argues.

Policy Priorities

The mother of three (her children are 24, 22 and 19), she is excited about trying to pursue change now that she is an empty nester. Fine is particularly passionate about women’s issues, dedicated to enabling women to control their own futures, both physically and financially. “The Republican Party is centered in controlling women; if it’s not abortions, it’s birth control or making sure we don’t get paid equally or we don’t have paid family leave,” she said. Citing the fate of Roe v. Wade and the realities in many states, she adds that “this is a fight worth having and winning, because over 70% of people in every state of the country believe in safer legal access to abortion. We need to build the political power and will to move past this bottleneck to full women’s equality,” she added, pointing to the Women’s Freedom agenda detailed on her website.

Fine is also dedicated to increasing job security. “So many people feel like the ground is moving beneath their feet economically.” She notes the uncertainty regarding benefits for increasing numbers who are contractors, freelancers, or “gig” workers, as well as everyone’s concerns about retirement and their children’s futures. She worries that her own kids will never be able to afford to live in communities like where they grew up (Irvington) or where she lives now (Sleepy Hollow, where she was raised).

Fine points out that with a quarter of NY17 LatinX, immigration must be addressed, noting the current administration’s “shameful” terrorization of both the documented and undocumented. “We need comprehensive immigration reform, a pathway to citizenship for the 11 million people living in the shadows, we need to protect the DACA kids. We also need to hold accountable companies exploiting undocumented workers. I would love us to become a country where don’t just accept immigrants, we welcome them, as wonderful participants in our society, as people starting businesses, raising their families, working very hard, as those are the principles our country is built on,” Fine said.

A former synagogue president, Fine is also committed to fighting the rising wave of antisemitism and hate crimes. She points to the “separating” of communities, and advocates for having community mediators to bring different groups together in creative ways to increase understanding.

Noting too how technology has aided isolation of people and communities, Fine adds that “we are at the beginning of what I call “Online Onland Intersection.” As a legislator, she would push to hold social media companies accountable for misusing and selling personal data and failing to keep people safe online. She also points to co-working spaces as an example of maintaining the need for communal contact even while pursuing individual business interests.

Relatedly, Fine says “we desperately need people in Washington who understand automation and what is about to happen to our jobs, to our people, to our communities,” and calls automation an “equal opportunity disruptor” that will result in job losses everywhere – Wall Street, paralegals, the medical profession, and service industries. “Across the board, we need to make sure we have people who are making sure technology is harnessed ethical ways, that people are in charge of the technology and not the other way around and that we are investing heavily in workforce development because people are going have to create different kinds of occupations.” She added that access to capital, especially for traditionally overlooked groups like women and people of color, is crucial to create new businesses to support these new realities.

Fine also agrees that “the climate crisis is our existential crisis of the time,” and that the federal government “must invest in innovations that become commercial enterprises, to protect communities from rising temperatures, rising water, to vary the grid, and create jobs.” And she finds the lack of common sense gun control “confounding,” supported by the majority of the country but the inaction political.

A Crowded Field, With Many Women

Fine is impressed with how smart and well-intentioned her competitors are for this congressional seat. She is proud that so many women are running: “It’s awfully important who is at the table.. It matters for what issues are at the top of the agenda,” she said, pointing to countries like Finland that have a legislative majority of women that focus on issues like equal pay.

“Last year I created an effort called The Network of Elected Women because women are getting elected at record levels, at the municipal level around the country, county, town and village. We have 25 women here in Westchester who come together once a month and they support one another and they learn together and some of them are then taking the next step,” Fine said, describing the “virtual” meetings of the group. She added that New Castle Town Supervisor Ivy Pool has been a part of the council from the beginning, and it convinced her to run for Supervisor after being on the Town Board, an example of the need to convince women to take the next step for leadership positions.

“A couple of weeks ago, Goldman Sachs said it wouldn’t take any company public that didn’t have one female board member. Really? One? That’s how low the bar is set. Why isn’t it a third? Why isn’t it two-thirds? One?”

Personal Role Models and Being A Fighter

Fine points to her own mother and grandmother as her role models. Her grandmother, eventually fired for leaving her Lower East Side sweatshop sewing machine to march for suffrage, had arrived in the US in 1905 at the age of five on a boat from Lithuania, but found the courage to be an early fundraiser for Israel and fight for women’s rights while raising three sons. Fine describes her own mother as an introvert who found the courage to run for chair of the Westchester/Putnam Girl Scouts and eventually the Tarrytown school board, where she fought for children’s education for 10 years.

From them, Fine became a fighter: “you have to lift people up and move them forward. That’s what I do – I build communities and move them forward every step of the way,” she said.

Visit allisonfine2020.com for more information on Allison and her policy positions.

Local High School and Middle School Students Respond to the Impact of a Pandemic

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On January 20th, the first case of COVID-19, the disease caused by the new strain of coronavirus, was reported in the United States. Ever since then, reports of cases continue to grow exponentially with states all around the country shutting down schools and workplaces.  Hospitals throughout the County in hard hit New York are preparing for an onslaught of cases as virus testing ramps-up and have begun to repurpose their facilities to treat coronavirus patients. On March 18th, President Trump signed the Families First Coronavirus Response Act which expanded access to testing, food and medical aid.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the virus is thought to spread mainly from person-to-person or from contact with contaminated surfaces. Due to this, both secondary schools and higher education institutions all around New York have been shuttered and are being replaced by remote or distance learning. The CDC has also introduced the concept of social distancing and self-quarantine within towns and communities in order to prevent the spread of the disease. At the individual level, this means maintaining a personal distance of six-to-ten feet while in a public space. At the community level, it means banning large gatherings in places of worship, restaurants, sporting events and gyms to mention a few.

Social distancing is widely supported and is quickly becoming the norm in many households. However, many people are experiencing feelings of isolation in their homes.

Caroline Gershman, a junior at Horace Greeley High School is one of them. While being self-quarantined in her house, she realizes that there are restrictions from many of the daily activities she used to partake in.

“Quarantine wasn’t so bad at first because it just felt like a long vacation. Now, I feel a little trapped because I’ve barely seen my friends or done any of the normal activities that I would’ve done to pass the time,” Gershman asserts. “The worst part is probably knowing that this could go on for an undetermined amount of time.”

However some others are not experiencing the feelings of confinement that Gershman is describing as internet use explodes. For that reason alone, Ethan Wecksell, a sixth grader at Bell Middle School, hasn’t felt the effects of self-quarantining. “On the weekdays I use Zoom to talk to my friends and teachers. I don’t feel the need to cope with quarantining yet. Because I’m talking to my friends over Zoom, my life hasn’t really changed.” With the increased amount of time students are spending at home, it is worth questioning whether they are spending more time with family members. “The ratio of time I spend with my family members to time on screens is 7 to 3, but there is also a gray zone where I am on the screens with my family members.”

Regardless of the dramatic changes to their daily lives, people are discovering how their daily routines have changed during this unprecedented period.

Town resident, Cat Wecksell describes how being at home all day made her reflect on how she lived her life.

“Things are less rushed around the house and I do feel like we have had a moment to exhale. Even just reading some of my activity cancellations makes me realize how much I was running around and taking them places, and how hectic that was.” She also describes how being in quarantine at home impacts her familial relationships. “I really try to strike a balance for family time. There are times we all are together, but also time to be apart which I think is very important, especially under these conditions. Also, we are having dinner together every night – actually almost every meal together. Before we would try to have dinner a few times a week together but sometimes people had activities and we had to be divided at dinner time.”

Zain Jafar furthers his passion for golfing during the school shutdown. Photo Credit: Zain Jafar

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

However, both school closures and social distancing are creating feelings of disappointment among high school seniors looking forward to graduation and prom. Zain Jafar, a senior at Horace Greeley, explains how social distancing has impacted him. “I think I speak for any senior currently when I say this entire situation has really brought an abrupt stop to our senior year. For many of us, the next few months were supposed to be a euphoric stream of lasting memories. There was so much to look forward to.” However, he also sees the silver lining: “One advantage of the quarantine is that I’ve been able to be in the company of my family, without the normal distractions. It’s really nostalgic: I feel like a little kid again, happily watching movies and playing board games with my parents and my siblings. Something about that feels right just before I leave for college.”

The COVID-19 virus and its impacts on broad swaths of society is unprecedented in modern times. The responses and actions not only as a local community, but as a nation during this period will allow us to reflect on the lessons that can be learned in order that we can all be better prepared for possible future occurrences.

On Accepting Isolation-and Learning from the Prescient John Lennon

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Artist: Corinne DECARPENTRIE, courtesy of pixabay.com

The fantastic and, generally, under appreciated John Lennon song, “Isolation” contains the following lyrics:

People say we got it made
Don’t they know we’re so afraid
Isolation
We’re afraid to be alone
Everybody got to have a home
Isolation

            I don’t think the wonderful ex-Beatle was being especially prescient concerning our current situation with Covid-19 but I do think he instinctively understood the myriad of feelings one might experience while enduring a forced segregation. His somewhat unique plight was being, perhaps, the most famous artist in the world and falling in love with a person that his enormous number of fans would not accept. His emotional isolation from the world he lived in was painful and raised questions of personal freedom, racism and an intrusion upon his own life choices from people he didn’t even know.

            Fortunately, Lennon was able, as great artists tend to do, to use his pain to drive his creativity. His beautifully raw first solo record, “Plastic Ono Band”,  is mainly about his life, love and struggle.  To those who’ve never heard it I can’t recommend it any more fervently. For those returning to it, I believe it can be a source of positivity in this specifically challenging period. Also, not a bad time, in general, to go back (or begin) listening to complete albums. Most of us absolutely should have the time to do so at the moment.

            As we are all now faced with a conscious and necessary effort to isolate and separate from anyone other than our own families I have no great words of wisdom other than the obvious. This situation should be taken seriously and every effort should be made to isolate and social distance. This is not negotiable and is the only hope to get things headed back in the direction of normalcy.

            For my family that means doing whatever work we can from home and otherwise trying to pass the time productively, meditatively and not generally freak out. At the moment I’m looking at three, way past their prime, bananas and contemplating baking banana bread. I’m taking my time with it and may even have this be my evening activity. The bananas can wait. How much blacker could they get anyway?

            My wife is taking work calls which I think is fantastic. Any sense of ordinariness is welcome and I’m happy to have her occupied by what is usually just another day’s work.

            My son, when not playing video games online with his friends, is now considering what graduate program to enroll in when, hopefully, schools are open again in the fall. A very strange feeling to get long awaited and diligently earned acceptance notices in the middle of all of this. It all seems to fade into the background as we wade through these strange days. However, any whiff of conventional good news linking us to the past and a hopeful future are welcomed. Notably, the discussions comparing and contrasting the various programs feel especially sweet and meaningful.

            The hardest day to day aspect of isolation for my family is the absence of my daughter who remains at boarding school. Safety-wise, she couldn’t be in a better situation right now. We miss her terribly and the only saving grace is that, I suspect, she’s happier right now being with her friends than stuck at home with the family like many teenagers would be.

            As for me, I’ve already went for a hike, chopped some wood (sounds more masculine when written down – the actual execution was not pretty but all my digits remain intact), texted with nervous friends/relatives, ate first and second lunches and am still, at my own pace, eying those bananas.