The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

Jodi Baretz, LCSW, CHHC

Self-Care in a Pandemic: A Possible Silver Lining

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It is really difficult to wrap your head around a silver lining when there is so much suffering across the world right now. Not only are people sick and dying in record numbers, but there is devastating economic loss, an increase in domestic violence, streets are filled with rioting and police brutality, the critical use of masks has been politicized, and on and on and on. I will leave consideration of those issues to others because my expertise is around self-care, which has become more important than ever in the face of the illness and adversity we face on a daily basis. In addition to boosting our immune system and staying active, it is equally important to monitor our mental health in this time when so many are experiencing sadness and isolation.

So, I am wondering are people more inclined to take care of themselves during this time?

Based on working with clients and responses from my “Mindful Moms” Facebook group that I surveyed on this topic, it appears that self-care routines are directly influenced by how many others in the house need attention. Moms of young children who require home schooling and entertaining have little time for themselves. Their responses reflected the all-encompassing demands on their time: “Everything is a mess, no routine, stress, no privacy, no motivation, no ability to attend virtual events–being home with everyone is a giant whirlwind with no structure.” The situation is especially difficult for teachers and others working from home. Some of my clients described feeling trapped with no end in sight. Self-care is not an option for them right now.

However, moms with older and adult children seem to be up-leveling their self-care routines while enjoying the added and unusual bonus of having their kids with them at home. The trend seemed to be difficulty with self-care at the beginning of the pandemic, with the onset of isolation, sadness, and fear together with eating and drinking too much, baking a lot, and mourning the life of freedom that we used to enjoy.

However, as time went on, so did the ability to find new healthy routines, such as walking, biking, online workouts, cooking healthy food, taking new classes, and obtaining certifications. As time passed, women experienced more sleep, less rushing, meditation, self-reflection, and added skills, like doing their own hair and nails. People also enjoyed reconnecting with family and friends, and as my mother, who typically dines out every night said, reconnecting with her kitchen appliances.

There have been many stages to this quarantine, from wiping down every grocery item to wondering if our kids will ever go back to school, and everything in between. While it is easier for some of us to adjust to new ways of living and caring for ourselves, even calling it “the season of self-improvement,” others feel stuck, fearful, and isolated, finding it more difficult than ever to motivate them.

We are all in the same storm, but not in the same boat.

While self-care remains vital during these challenging times, it means different things depending on one’s individual situation. It is critical that we do not compare ourselves to others and that we indulge in serious self-compassion because all of us are suffering in this moment. The key is to be kind to yourself and honor everything you are able to do during this time. As Don Miguel Ruiz says in one of his Four Agreements, “Do the best you can,” even if your best is just 20 percent at the moment. Honor and respect what you are experiencing, feel your feelings, and please don’t hesitate to seek help if you need it. May you be happy, healthy, and safe, may you live with ease, and may this s— show be over soon.

The Joy of Gratitude

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“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Wayne Dyer

“Instead of always searching and grasping for more, gratitude allows us to appreciate what we have now. Cultivating joy requires building the gratitude muscle as part of our daily and weekly workouts. Only in this rep-set, we ditch the wishing, complaining and striving, and refocus on noticing what is going well in our lives right now, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.

Learning to be grateful for life’s simple pleasures can certainly improve your mood and perception of life. I recall a day when my kids were small and I was taking them to get haircuts. Once in the car, my two adorable, precious children proceeded to fight like two alley cats in a scrap yard. As I drove along and listened to this free-for-all in the back seat, I would occasionally interrupt with a “Stop it!” or “Enough already!” When that didn’t seem to be effective, I started to get annoyed and then, for some reason, amidst all the noise and frustration, I just gave up.

As the boys continued to yell and exchange insults at each other, my mood turned from annoyance to amusement. It struck me that these two little boys were not going to be young forever, and I realized how lucky I was to have these daily moments with them, no matter how stressful. This total re-frame of the situation filled me with gratitude and the rest of our outing was not just tolerable, it was fun.

Gratitude brings us joy and turns what we already have into enough. Instead of striving for the next goal to bring you happiness, appreciate where you are right now. If it’s not your ideal place, remember that it’s just one chapter in your life’s story. Everything is temporary, for better or worse. Once you catch the gratitude bug, it replicates itself and even more joy streams into your life.”

Excerpt from Jodi Baretz’ Amazon best-selling book, Mindful Is the New Skinny. Jodi offers individual psychotherapy and mindful mom groups at The Center for Health and Healing in Mount Kisco. Visit jodibaretz.com.

Finding Peace, Love & Unity in Divisive Times

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Holidays are supposed to be a festive time of year, but with all the political divisiveness, natural disasters and even terrorism in downtown Manhattan yet again, it has become difficult to maintain a sense of calm or contentment. The endless news cycles and social media frenzies have us outraged, but at the same time, desensitized us to the horrors that occur in the world. How do we set aside the screens, and engage in productive and constructive conversations with our family and friends when we are so divided? And, how can we find peace and happiness in such stressful times?

Find Common Ground

Focusing on things we can agree on, make it easier to come to an understanding on the issues in which we don’t see eye to eye. Everything is not black and white; there are plenty of grey areas. The idea is to find those areas where you may overlap. If you ask good questions, you will discover common values. Don’t approach the dialogue as being all or nothing; you don’t have to be “with someone” or “against them.” Don’t think us versus them. Have an open mind.

Be Curious, Pause and Observe

Mindfulness can help by increasing our awareness of how stress affects us. When we are stressed, we become reactive and quick to respond, especially with our families. Take time to pause when you are triggered by something or someone; then focus on the thoughts that accompany those feelings. Ask yourself: am I putting my own judgments on top of this experience? Am I making assumptions or jumping to conclusions? Drop into your body and notice where you are feeling the stress, anxiety or anger. Is it in your chest, throat, or belly? If you get out of your head and into your body, the feeling will shift. Pause before you respond. Give yourself some space.

Cultivate Compassion

My famous line is that we are all doing the best we can. Some friends give me a lot of grief for that line, but I truly believe we are doing our best with the information and experience we have. When others act out with anger and hurtful behavior, it usually comes from a place of pain. What did that person experience to make them act a certain way? Rarely is it personal. You don’t need to condone the hurtful behavior, but at least try and understand from where it is coming. When our anger turns to compassion and understanding, we become more peaceful. We actually can empathize with their pain, and realize it’s not about us.

Another way to build your empathy muscle is to try and send positive thoughts to those you don’t particularly care for, or with whom you are angry. This is not an easy task, but will also cultivate compassionate and allow you to become a more peaceful person. After all, if they suffer less, so will you. This does not mean we don’t fight for what we believe, and allow others to walk all over us, we are just in a better place to be able to respond appropriately.

See the Good

The holiday season can be busy and stressful, but take time to find the joy. See the good in people. We are all inextricably connected, and have moments of shared joy and shared pain, which unite us. Many of us felt the collective pain after Hillary lost the election, but also participated in the shared, fun experiences at the various community events in town. The way people helped each other around the country after the hurricanes regardless of political beliefs was incredible, and the way we rally around people in need in this community is just as heartening.

Just scroll through Chappaqua Moms, to see the compassion of the community helping those in need, (despite some of the other posts on there). Noticing moments like this bring us together as a nation and as a community, regardless of political beliefs and election results. So, this holiday season, whether you’re shopping at ICD or Squires, eating lunch at Le Jardin du Roi or having coffee at Tazza; look up from your phone and really notice the people around you. See the good, and have faith in humanity. Even though we may disagree, we are still very much connected.

Happy holidays!

A Mindful Mother’s Day Guide

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Jodi and her mom

By Jodi Baretz

Wikipedia states: “Mother’s Day is a celebration honoring motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society.”

But day to day, we all know that Mom is a huge, complicated job, influenced by many factors. Mothers are the nurturers, caretakers, managers and glue of our families, and so much more.

Although our quest for perfectionism can feel justified in our community of overachievers, it would serve us well to accept that we are humans, not superheroes. We all make mistakes, endure tons of guilt, blame ourselves when our children hit a bump in the road; just like our mothers did before us. Relationships with our own mothers can be complicated as well. So, what if your Mother’s Day experience doesn’t fit on a Hallmark card? Here’s how I suggest you can give yourself the gift of a ‘mindful’ Mother’s Day.

Give yourself permission to not be perfect

Life is complicated for the modern mom. No matter what your children’s age, we all struggle with the same kinds of challenges. The mom’s in my mindfulness boot camp groups, as well as my clients, seem to express the same themes. Some common ones are: feeling like they are being pulled in so many different directions, struggling to get to-do lists done, not enjoying the moment… because their minds are usually thinking about the next one. In addition, they want to find meaning, purpose, and balance, all while trying to be the perfect mom. Ditch the perfectionistic mindset, you have a lot on your plate, and it will all get done eventually.

“Put the oxygen mask on yourself, before you put it on someone else.”

Filling up our own cup first is an essential ingredient to being a good mother. If we are run down, stressed, always trying to be perfect, we are not able to be the best mother we can be.

One thing at a time

Often we do not slow down enough to realize how chaotic our lives have become. We are so busy multi-tasking (which we think is something to be proud of), that we can sometimes stop doing anything well because we are constantly breaking our attention going from task to task. While I do realize multi-tasking is part of the job description, focusing on one task at a time makes us more effective, and decreases stress and anxiety.

Try a bit of self-compassion

In addition to self-care, self-compassion is something we, as mothers, neglect to practice. It is much easier and natural to beat ourselves up over everything from not cooking dinner to our child’s less than perfect behavior. Life happens. #%&! happens. Every mother goes through this. It’s part of the journey.

Try and tame the negative inner critic that berates you for your shortcomings. We all try to do the best we can, but despite our tireless efforts, we can’t guarantee to anyone ever that everything will run smoothly. We will always have moments when we freak out on our kids, and circumstances will arise that lead us to neglect certain tasks.

Our kids will struggle–and that’s ok because that is how they will learn and grow. So, when you hear that critical voice talking in your head, acknowledge that it’s there and then show yourself some compassion and stop paying attention to it. Instead, focus on all the good and positive things–the wonderful job you do as a loving, caring mom.

Cut your own mom some slack

Take a look at your relationship with your own mother, and show her some compassion as well. When you are little, your mom’s the center of the universe. The moment you realize she is simply human, and lacks the superpowers you thought she did, can be difficult to reconcile. You put her on a pedestal and it turns out she’s a flawed human being…just like you. There is something scary and humbling in realizing that. Accepting your mother for who she is, imperfections and all, will lead to a better relationship–you can’t change her anyway. Celebrate the good.

So if you struggle as a mother, or struggle with your mother, you are not alone. Parental relationships are complicated. D.W. Winnicott coined the notion of the “good enough mother,” which means that her failure to adapt to every need of the child helps them adapt to external realities. So, let’s honor all aspects of the journey and embrace imperfection as the Hallmark of motherhood. Happy Mother’s Day!

Jodi Baretz, LCSW, CHHC, is a psychotherapist, mindfulness and holistic health coach at The Center for Health and Healing in Mount Kisco.  She is the founder of the program and author of  Mindfulness is the New Skinny, and a speaker on mindfulness. She lives in Millwood with her husband and two teenage boys, Visit jodibaretz.com and join her this summer for meditation by the lake.

“Post-Election Anxiety” Strategies for Hillary supporters

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jodib-myfaveAfter the shock, denial, anger, etc., we have to acknowledge that this is happening, allow ourselves to feel our feelings, but then do whatever is in our control to fight for what we believe.

I am writing this the day after the election and I can’t seem to shake this gnawing in the pit of my stomach; this sense of impending doom. I’m sad and afraid for so many reasons. I’m sad that our deserving neighbor didn’t break the glass ceiling and become our next President, and I’m fearful of a President with no experience, who ran a campaign based on anger and hate.

I’m terrified by the racists and bigots he energized and the actions they might take. I have followed this election campaign holding my breath, wanting it to be over to breathe a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, now that it is presumably over, all I want to do is turn back time.

This election was a big shock and disappointment to many, but approximately half of those who voted chose him. We need to honor and respect the democratic process and face the reality of who is our next President, but how?

Mindfulness has taught me how to face many stressful situations with grace and ease. Life is difficult; it is filled with adversity and struggle. There are many things we cannot control, but how we respond to life’s challenges is within our power and can make all the difference.

In my mindfulness boot camp group today, everyone was shocked, distraught and disappointed, so we explored how mindfulness can help us cope with post-election blues.

  • Acceptance: Not arguing with reality, even if we don’t like it.
  • Non-judgment: Not judging yourself for experiencing feelings that are real. Also, trying not to judge others who disagree with you. You may have experienced some heated discourse at the Thanksgiving table, but listening to others with an open mind can help us understand, instead of dismissing others viewpoints.
  • Present moment: Be here now. Notice when your thoughts veer off into the future fearing the worst scenario. Bring yourself back to the present. Our minds are often stuck in a negative fantasy which leads to anxiety. Let’s take this day by day. As the late Leonard Cohen said, “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
  • Beginner’s Mind: Look at situations without preconceived notions. As difficult as that may be, we do not really know how things will turn out. We can leave room for the possibility of our party becoming stronger than ever and more people becoming activists for change.

Consider a Taoist story of an old farmer who worked his crops for many years …

One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit.
“Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.
“We’ll see,” the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.
“How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.
“We’ll see,” replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.
“We’ll see,” answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.
“We’ll see” said the farmer.

If Hillary represents anything, it is that a life of public service and doing good is the cornerstone to contributing in society. Let’s take our lead from her and channel our energies into action. We cannot be complacent, but must lead with dignity and grace, just like Hillary. We need to go high when they go low, like Michelle Obama. We need to be stronger together and not divided. We need to model for our children by our actions as well as our words. We need to look for opportunities to make a difference and practice “compassion in action.” We may have lost this battle, but not the war.

As I share my feelings and meditate on what actions I will take moving forward, I am reminded of a comment made today during the group session. One of the moms shared with us the experience of telling her child, who is four, that Donald Trump was the winner. She thought he’d cry or be upset but he looked up at her with a smile and said, “maybe now he won’t be so angry.” What a way to look at the world, through the optimistic eyes of a child.

Jodi Baretz, LCSW is a psychotherapist, mindfulness and health coach at The Center for Health and Healing in Mt. Kisco. She runs a mindfulness bootcamp called “Mindful is the New Skinny,” and specializes in stress reduction for busy moms. Jodi lives in Millwood with her husband and two sons. Visit her website jodibaretz.com