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Finding Peace, Love & Unity in Divisive Times

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Holidays are supposed to be a festive time of year, but with all the political divisiveness, natural disasters and even terrorism in downtown Manhattan yet again, it has become difficult to maintain a sense of calm or contentment. The endless news cycles and social media frenzies have us outraged, but at the same time, desensitized us to the horrors that occur in the world. How do we set aside the screens, and engage in productive and constructive conversations with our family and friends when we are so divided? And, how can we find peace and happiness in such stressful times?

Find Common Ground

Focusing on things we can agree on, make it easier to come to an understanding on the issues in which we don’t see eye to eye. Everything is not black and white; there are plenty of grey areas. The idea is to find those areas where you may overlap. If you ask good questions, you will discover common values. Don’t approach the dialogue as being all or nothing; you don’t have to be “with someone” or “against them.” Don’t think us versus them. Have an open mind.

Be Curious, Pause and Observe

Mindfulness can help by increasing our awareness of how stress affects us. When we are stressed, we become reactive and quick to respond, especially with our families. Take time to pause when you are triggered by something or someone; then focus on the thoughts that accompany those feelings. Ask yourself: am I putting my own judgments on top of this experience? Am I making assumptions or jumping to conclusions? Drop into your body and notice where you are feeling the stress, anxiety or anger. Is it in your chest, throat, or belly? If you get out of your head and into your body, the feeling will shift. Pause before you respond. Give yourself some space.

Cultivate Compassion

My famous line is that we are all doing the best we can. Some friends give me a lot of grief for that line, but I truly believe we are doing our best with the information and experience we have. When others act out with anger and hurtful behavior, it usually comes from a place of pain. What did that person experience to make them act a certain way? Rarely is it personal. You don’t need to condone the hurtful behavior, but at least try and understand from where it is coming. When our anger turns to compassion and understanding, we become more peaceful. We actually can empathize with their pain, and realize it’s not about us.

Another way to build your empathy muscle is to try and send positive thoughts to those you don’t particularly care for, or with whom you are angry. This is not an easy task, but will also cultivate compassionate and allow you to become a more peaceful person. After all, if they suffer less, so will you. This does not mean we don’t fight for what we believe, and allow others to walk all over us, we are just in a better place to be able to respond appropriately.

See the Good

The holiday season can be busy and stressful, but take time to find the joy. See the good in people. We are all inextricably connected, and have moments of shared joy and shared pain, which unite us. Many of us felt the collective pain after Hillary lost the election, but also participated in the shared, fun experiences at the various community events in town. The way people helped each other around the country after the hurricanes regardless of political beliefs was incredible, and the way we rally around people in need in this community is just as heartening.

Just scroll through Chappaqua Moms, to see the compassion of the community helping those in need, (despite some of the other posts on there). Noticing moments like this bring us together as a nation and as a community, regardless of political beliefs and election results. So, this holiday season, whether you’re shopping at ICD or Squires, eating lunch at Le Jardin du Roi or having coffee at Tazza; look up from your phone and really notice the people around you. See the good, and have faith in humanity. Even though we may disagree, we are still very much connected.

Happy holidays!

Dear Dads: How to Keep Post Divorce Relations Amiable With Your Ex

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Amid the divorce horror stories most of us have heard at one time or another are those rare happily-ever-after couples whose divorces seem better than many marriages. Child support payments are on time and never questioned, regular visitation and paternal involvement in the children’s lives are a given, and the home and assets were divided fairly without contention. Who are these divorced dad unicorns? How are they moving through the divorce seemingly effortlessly and without acrimony? Luckily I happen to know such men and they were willing to share advice.

Put children’s best interests first. Tom, a divorced dad from Thornwood, says focusing on the emotional needs of children is critical. Tom acknowledges that his ex is a wonderful mother and speaks well of her to his eleven-year-old son. He lets his son pick out small gifts for birthday and holidays to give to his ex-wife so he has something to give his mom. Small gestures like that can help kids of any age feel more comfortable around special events that are no longer shared as a family.

Maintain timely payments if they are legally yours to make, per an agreement. Tom regards the financial end of his divorce as a business arrangement and treats it as such by honoring his obligations. “If an occasional payment is going to be late, give notice and explain why, then catch up as quickly as possible. Keep lines of communication open; if a question about an unexpected expense arises, discuss it calmly,” he advises.

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Decide you will have a positive relationship. Early on, Vincent, a divorced father of two daughters in White Plains, decided nothing that led to his divorce was relevant anymore and proceeded with a ‘clean slate’ mindset. “It’s a new chance to have a positive relationship with someone you once cared about. Collaborative co-parenting is not only healthy for the kids, it’s healthy for us,” he shared. “Letting go and being positive is a gift to yourself.”

Embrace your new life. “Getting excited about something new is a great diversion at a time when you need one,” reports Vincent. Whether it’s working out, kayaking, or hiking, being physically active is a natural mood elevator. Oftentimes newly divorced men rush into new relationships, but Vincent cautions against this. “People expect to feel normal much more quickly than is realistic. Allow at least a year after the divorce is finalized. It’s hard to have a solid relationship that began before the last one was truly over.”

Mediation Pros and Cons

Not divorced yet? Consider mediation but be sure it is right for both of you. Katherine Miller, a mediator and collaborative lawyer in New Rochelle, weighs in.

“If one or both parties need a lot of individual support to understand and hold on to information to make an informed decision, mediation is not for them,” Miller shares. “The couples who successfully mediate are those able to honor the relationship they had and view the marriage not as a mistake, but a good thing that has come to an end.”

Mediation Mistakes

“We’ve done all the work ourselves.” “The better choice is when couples decide what they can work out on their own with their mediator, not beforehand,” offers Miller. “Deciding how you will make important decisions together is the single most important decision.”

Angry threats Threats in anger, like, “I’ll quit my job before paying maintenance!” or “You’ll never see the children!” are not realistic and only escalate emotions. You can get heated and angry and disagree, but do your best to work it through.

Power imbalance When there is a clear power imbalance, financially or emotionally, the party who never had a voice in the marriage tends to feel suspicion or mistrust during mediation. This may be because he or she has never truly understood the financial picture. Both parties must be able to trust the mediator. Some couples bring their own lawyers (or therapists!) into mediation.

Saving money What makes mediation go smoothly is the commitment to do what makes sense for the family, especially for the children–not saving money. Effective co-parenting enables both parents to be involved in their children’s lives, like attending games and graduations.

Positive family interaction post-divorce empowers kids, and that’s what really matters.

When the Race is Run for LOVE

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Jamie’s UVM teammates, left to right: Philip Vernimb, Women’s Division winner Sydney Durand, Men’s Division winner Aaron Szotka, Maurie Clark and Tucker Nixon.
Jamie’s UVM teammates, left to right: Philip Vernimb, Women’s Division winner Sydney Durand, Men’s Division winner Aaron Szotka, Maurie Clark and Tucker Nixon.

By Deborah Raider Notis

Photos by Pinsky Studio

Armonk was treated to a perfect, warm and sunny day on September 20th. Many residents celebrated the last day of summer at Armonk’s Chamber of Commerce sponsored Fall Festival. The town was bustling, with people laughing at the competitive pie eaters and humming along with the band on the Wampus Park gazebo. Children played on inflatables, competed in bean bag toss games, and ran the 100 Yard Donut Dash and Macintosh Mile. Highlighting the morning’s events was Jamie’s 5K Run for Love, a race in memory of Jamie Love and benefitting the Friends of the North Castle Library.

The 5K race began in 2008; Jane Ellen Gertz and Grace Mui of the Byram Hills PTSA made it part of their larger Halloween Fun event, and proceeds benefitted the PTSA. Soon after, the race became part of Armonk’s Cider and Donut Festival. Sean Ryan, then President of the Friends of the North Castle Library, a retired IBMer, and the track and cross country coach at Briarcliff High School, took over coordinating the event with proceeds donated to the Friends of the North Castle Library.

BHHS grads Jeannette Martimucci (left) and Evan Bauer often come back to visit and for community events. Running for the first time, Evan says he’s especially happy to be part of something that “brings community together.”
BHHS grads Jeannette Martimucci (left) and Evan Bauer often come back to visit and for community events. Running for the first time, Evan says he’s especially happy to be part of something that “brings community together.”

Friends of the North Castle Library supports programming at the North Castle Library, including events not supported by tax dollars. Ryan says he became involved to “bring a fun community events to our town where we could focus all residents on the good works we were doing and planned to do at our library.” In 2011, the race was part of the celebration of the 50th anniversary of the Armonk Outdoor Art Show. Then, in 2013 the race was named for Byram Hills High School graduate Jamie Love.

Jamie was an Armonk resident, and a University of Vermont student studying mechanical engineering. While growing up in Armonk, he was actively involved in children’s programs at the North Castle Library. He worked at Hickory and Tweed Ski and Bicycle Shop, and he ran for the BHHS cross country team. In 2013, his Junior year, he passed away in his sleep from an undetected heart ailment.

The BHHS cross country team was always a huge part of the annual 5K race, whether it supported the PTSA or Friends of the North Castle Library. Jamie ran in the earliest races before attending UVM; his strong relationship and history with the BHHS team and the race made this a perfect way to memorialize him and honor his memory.

“We are incredibly honored that people continue to love Jamie and come out to support him even three years later,” Jamie’s mother, Michelle Love, says of this Chamber of Commerce sponsored event. Love is particularly appreciative of the Ryan family’s continued support for the event. “They do all the heavy lifting.”

Love describes her son as a young man who truly appreciated his friends, his family and his life. For friends who cannot make it to Armonk, her family tries to send out custom tee shirts. “That way, whenever friends and family cannot make it to the race, they can still celebrate Jamie, whether they are running, biking, hiking, eating or simply laughing together. This year, one friend even hosted a pulled pork dinner to honor Jamie,” mentions Love. The image on these shirts, designed by Jamie’s sister and Sean Ryan’s daughter, is a silhouette of Jamie Love and teammates from from BHHS. All of these boys went to State finals for cross country during high school.

Re-naming the race in Jamie’s honor sparked an added energy. This year, 286 runners finished Jamie’s Race for Love. Jamie’s UVM teammate, Aaron Szotka, came in first in the Men’s Division at 18:17, and Sydney Durand won the Women’s Division at 20:05. Maurie Clark and Eddie Paniccia came in second and third in the Men’s Division at 18:36 and 19:04 respectively. And Shannon Duffy, with a time of 21:39, and Isabella Vesco, with a time of 22:42, finished second and third in the Women’s Division.

Sean Ryan, whom Michelle Love gratefully describes as the event’s “heavy lifter.”
Sean Ryan, whom Michelle Love gratefully describes as the event’s “heavy lifter.”

The race also united the North Castle community with Jamie’s UVM teammates and friends, many of whom have run the race since Jamie’s death. “Having the race named after Jamie is another chance to celebrate Jamie and what an amazing friend he was. We preserve his memory by wearing JBLOVE rubberized bracelets everyday. I never take the bracelet off,” says Tucker Nixon, Jamie’s good friend and UVM classmate.

Armonk resident Charlotte Wittels, a friend of Jamie’s sister Noelle, brought the Byram Hills tennis team with her to run the 5k. “This incident was very close to home, and I’m glad I was able to support Noelle and her family by bringing the tennis team to the event,” states Wittels.

And they’re off–close to 300 runners turned out for Jamie’s 5K Run for Love this year.
And they’re off–close to 300 runners turned out for Jamie’s 5K Run for Love this year.
The day was a celebration of all things bright, beautiful and fun–just like Jamie would have wanted and loved!
The day was a celebration of all things bright, beautiful and fun–just like Jamie would have wanted and loved!

“The race serves as a great memorial for Jamie as well as a great reunion for all of us,” notes Philip Vernimb, who credits Jamie with his decision to attend UVM. “Jamie was what brought us together in the first place. When we were still running for UVM, every race was dedicated to Jamie. Personally, he is in my thoughts every day.”

Ultimately, Love feels that friends and family should honor her son by “laughing and living their lives to the fullest.” Jamie’s UVM friends fondly recall that Jamie always had a smile on his face. On a beautiful day like September 20th, with people enjoying the beautiful weather, listening to music, visiting with friends and community members, running races and shopping local, Jamie most definitely would have been smiling.

Deborah Raider Notis is a writer and co-owner of gamechanger, LLC, a free referral service connecting Westchester families to highly qualified, competitively priced instructors. She lives in Pleasantville with her husband, four boys and their dog Oscar. 

 

Latch-Key Love (Thanks, Mom!)

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hand-key-pixBy Dan Levitz

When I was in first grade, my Mom went back to work and informed me that I would be coming home to an empty house two days a week. She assured me that she’d be 20 minutes away by car and would come home immediately if I ever needed her. She gave me a house-key tied to a shoe-string and put it around my neck. She told me that if I didn’t lose it she’d upgrade the string to a silver chain before long. The only time she ever actually had to come home was when I fell off my bike, and, by then, the string had progressed to a gold-filled chain. Years later, a father to small children myself, I asked her if she was out of her mind having a six-year-old come home to an empty house. She replied with absolute certainty, “I knew you could handle it.” She was right, and I believe that experience nudged me in the direction of being an independent person.

In 6th Grade, our teacher assigned a 50-page term report about a specific country. This was way beyond anything I felt I could ever accomplish. 
I knew I’d have to write a lot of words about Japan but, beyond that, I had no clue. We had almost the whole year to work on it and, literally the night before it was due, I approached my Mom, handed her my wildly chaotic and disorganized notes and asked her to turn them into at least 50 typed pages, single-spaced please. At the time, I couldn’t really understand the pained expression on her face, but I clung to the fact that months earlier she’d said she’d type it. It never occurred to me that she might have needed more notice. My grade wasn’t great, but 
I’ll never forget that she stayed up most of the night typing for her 
screw-up son.

Just as high school began, along with all new freshmen, I was evaluated by the school speech therapist who quickly determined that I needed to come see him three times a week to work on my serious speech impediment. Throughout my entire education this had never come up. Terrible penmanship? Sure. Sloppy work-habits? Absolutely. However, I had always thought that my ability to enunciate was one of my few natural gifts. That this professional, who, I might add, happened to lisp himself, so fervently believed that I needed to work with him was horribly upsetting. As I was self-conscious to begin with, and now terrified, I told my Mother about the situation and she said quite calmly, “He’s out of his mind; you have my permission to not go at all.” That was enough for me. I never went to see him, and, although he did become something of a nemesis, the welcome support from my Mom enabled me to defy that particular authority figure (which was not a natural thing for me to do back then).

In college, I was amazed at how some of my peers were just going berserk with new-found freedom–crazy over-indulgent behavior that sometimes evolved into self-destruction. 
I was having a great time, but didn’t feel drunk with freedom because I had actually been afforded a lot of independence while in high school. No hard curfew and a general policy that, as long as I was responsible, I could pretty much do my own thing. I had friends whose parents would flip out if they weren’t home by midnight. I remember my Mom’s explanation about why she didn’t worry if I was out late, “If something happens to you I’ll hear about.” This was a simple and coolly logical approach; it’s one I may have trouble replicating as a parent, but it worked for her and ultimately was a gift to me.

My Mom was an entrepreneur. She went into business with her kid sister, which is why I sometimes came home to an empty house as a kid. The business lasted for 35 years and, besides my Father, it was clearly the passion of her life. She traveled all over the world in connection with the business, met a myriad of interesting people and forged her own path; this after her previous life of being a doctor’s wife which she found unfulfilling until she went off to work. She’s retired now but she keeps busy wheeling and dealing, happily selling the art, books, jewelry and other collections that she’s so happily accumulated over the years.

I can’t say that my Mom always knew exactly what she was doing as a parent, but I now understand that no parent ever really does. I do know that she’s always seen the best in me no matter what, and that’s not a bad place to start.

Dan Levitz has been a Chappaqua resident for 11 years. Lorraine Levitz, at 88, can most likely be found in Lower Manhattan on her daily two-hour walk.

From: “Peace in Relationships: Attachment-Detachment”

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Suna Senman
Suna Senman

By Suna Senman

“In order to explain the balance of “you-me-us” concepts, we need to be mindful of schemas. Schemas are the emotional and experiential attachments we have to words or objects. For example, “attachment” may stimulate feeling of sticky confinement or it may generate an image of an adoring, cherishing mother-infant bond. Those two schemas are very different. So when a person with one schema talks about attachment with a person with the other schema, misunderstanding and conflict occurs. Therefore, it is important to listen beyond words-to listen to the heart. Both schemas exist and are acceptable, but hearing the intention of the conveyor of a message- listening to the heart-is where understanding is created. Hearing the heart of a person provides a mindfulness of reality.  A good therapist listens to the heart beneath the words.

People often say one thing but mean another, as if they are leaving clues or simultaneously want to be heard and not heard. What do people really want? We all want to express truth, love, and beauty so that it is received and reflected back to us. Sometimes people want to express lies, hurt, and ugliness, because that’s what they have seen. They both want and don’t want to see that reflected back. The experience of lies, hurt, and ugliness is unpleasant. And yet, a person wants to be seen. If a person has allowed lies, hurt, and ugliness to penetrate their being, these factors becomes part of their being that they need to express. He or she will continue to express everything that is in them-a mix of lies, hurt, and ugliness along with the truth, love, and beauty of his or her original, natural state.

These contradictory qualities coexist until the person cleans house and lets go of the garbage. Because we always express what is inside of us, it is also the mix that will be reflected back. We see what is inside. Therefore, when a person sees jealousy, greed, gluttony, or any of the “sins” in others, the wise person will recognize that there are at least crumbs of those things inside him–or herself.

Attachment and detachment are key concepts to understand in order to navigate the complicated “mix.” If you can clean house often (even several times a day), you practice healthy attachment and detachment. If you are mindful of the things that approach you through the day and are discerning of their core (love or ugliness), then you can let go of the unwanted ugliness quickly so that you can practice filling yourself with truth, love and beauty.

Some people love playing in ugly messes. When I have tried to engage people in expressions of truth, love, and beauty, they are often eager to engage, yet, unwilling to let go of ugliness. Some people get attached to the concept of “ownership.” At one time, a friend felt that she owned me and tried to prevent me from expressing a part of myself that evoked a feeling of dishonesty in her. She had talked herself into believing that her lifestyle was beautiful, but my expression of truth triggered a realization that she contained ugliness. Her reaction was to discredit me and push me away instead of doing some “housecleaning” or making her own necessary changes. She was afraid of change.

In her ownership attitude toward me as her friend, she insisted that I don’t speak about some of my ideas. What she tried to own slipped away. I detached from her instead of detaching from a part of a truth of my being.”

Suna Senman LMSW, CSW, CTIM, CED is a life transformation facilitator who specializes in wellness counseling, childhood development, peace education, and diversity training. She blogs on topic for The Huffington Post; she has published articles on topic in periodicals such as Metro; and she is the author of Being: A Process. Through her work, Suna helps people expand their sense of self, release their illusion of separation, develop nurturing partnerships, and consciously design a harmonious life path. Her writing has included interviews with  supermodel Tyra Banks, celebrity violinist Miri Ben Ari, and relationship expert Paul Brunson.