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I Wish I Would’ve Known…

April 21, 2018 by Marlene Kern Fischer

(L-R): The author and her family, Eric, Marlene, Jonah, her husband Mark and Isaac
PHOTO COURTESY OF MARLENE KERN FISCHER

A Letter to Younger Moms from an Older Mom

Now that I’m on that other side of parenting (meaning my three sons are mostly grown and I’m no longer in the trenches), I’ve had some time to reflect. When I say reflect, I mean think about things I think I got right and things about which I was off base. There are things I wish I had known–things I would tell my younger self about being a mother if I could. Here is some of what I would say…

Dear Younger Me,

First-

I am not going to tell you to enjoy every minute of parenthood because, if I offer that advice, I know you will find a way to reach across time, into the future, and smack me (and you would also think an impostor was writing to you). While one kid is vomiting and another is shrieking and the third is out of sight and up to mischief, it’s hard to think about how fleeting time is. I realize that from where you’re standing right now, time may as well be standing still. Just know that the time will pass and, despite their best efforts to break you, you will survive somewhat intact.

Give them your all but-

Save a little something for yourself. I threw myself into parenting because it’s the job I always wanted. However, I wish I had done just a tiny bit more for myself. Like writing–I know I barely had time to think, much less create cogent and insightful sentences but I wish I had held tighter onto the things that were important to me. I’m grateful to get a chance to do more now but I wish I hadn’t waited so long. So, younger me, please listen and nurture yourself, as well as those children. Carve out a little time for you.

Stop worrying so much-

I know you can’t help worrying. Unfortunately, that’s not going to change in the future. But I can tell you that all the worrying you are doing is a huge waste of time and effort. At least try and dial it down a notch if you can. Or start meditating a little so you can be a tiny bit more Zen.

You’re not screwing them up-

Good news; despite a few mistakes we made along the way, they all turn out fine. They are actually pretty hardy and resilient creatures. Even the high strung one. In fact, they are more than just fine–they are terrific. They aren’t necessarily any tidier but they are good people who care about each other, their friends and girlfriends… yes, I said girlfriends. They are now human enough to have significant others–really nice ones you’re going to like. You will finally have other females in the house. And, as a bonus, I want you to know the kids will be able to get jobs and support themselves.

It’s just a phase-

The baby who wakes up all the time? He does learn to sleep through the night. And that kid who only eats pasta? He will start eating chicken and veggies at some point. How about the one who keeps having tantrums and throws things when he loses? Yup, he will stop doing that. In fact, he’s so docile now it’s hard to believe he’s the same person. And how about the one who can’t manage his money? OK–we are still working on that one but I’m guessing he learns how to do it someday soon. My point is, although their personalities don’t completely change most of the behavioral stuff really is just a phase. Just ride it out like you would a wave and know that some new weird behavior will come along before you know it. And that even if it doesn’t, it eventually ceases to be your problem (at least to some degree).

You already know this but-

Despite the craziness and lack of money and time, work on keeping the marriage magic going. Try and go out a little more; the kids will be fine without you. I know you want to be with them but they really will grow up and have their own lives. You need to make sure you and the hubby still have things to say to each other after they are gone.

I don’t want to tell you everything that is going to happen–some of it is amazing and some, well…you will get through the bad things too. And at the end of the day you will even still have a sense of humor.

Most of all I want you to know two things:
You did a great job and I’m proud of you.
When it’s all said and done you will be so glad you did it all.

So hang in there. I will check in on you again and, if you need me, feel free to reach out and I will be there for you.

Love,
Older Me

After the Camp Fair too… A Vital Check List!

March 8, 2018 by Shauna Levy

Despite the low temperatures, many parents’ minds are on the summer months that lay beyond the snow. Much consideration goes into the camp selection process. As the American Camp Association notes, “camp presents a tremendous opportunity for your child to widen horizons, make new and lasting friends, and discover new strengths.” But, with all the options ranging from day camps to sleep away camps in addition to specialties such as dance, art and sports, pinpointing the right one can be downright daunting.

The Li Family of Greenwich checks out various camp options at a recent camp fair
PHOTO BY ROBERT FLEISHER

Local camp fairs feature an array of highly curated prospects that parents can become acquainted with in just one afternoon. Since many attend these events with a laundry list of questions and children in tow, arriving with a strategy is instrumental to reaping the benefits.

Why A Camp Fair?

There is a plethora of information about each camp online and in glossy brochures, but camp fairs give parents the unique occasion to meet the individuals who set the tone of a camp in person. Tables are typically manned by two representatives including the camp director or high ranking camp personnel. “Many camps offer similar activities and amenities, but it is the director and staff who infuse their distinct philosophy into the program that sets them apart,” according to Renee Flax, director of camper placement at the American Camp Association of NY and NJ. “These face-to-face opportunities give families the chance to see if there is a true connection between them and a camp,” she says.

Jean Sheff, editor and co-publisher of Westchester Family, says, “This is your chance to read between the lines and get to know a camp’s nuances.” Sheff knows more than a thing or two about the topic as the publication recently hosted two “Westchester Family Camp Fairs” in both southern and northern Westchester. She enthusiastically describes the events as “not massive, noisy functions, but intimate, personal gatherings of approximately 30 thoroughly vetted camps.”

“Camp fairs are ideal for those who are truly starting from scratch,” according to Flax. “These events offer a wide array of camps spanning all philosophies and price ranges.” For all of those multi-tasking loving parents, Sheff also points out that camp fairs offer efficiencies, for example “visiting with a sleep away camp for one child and a day camp for another.”

Not all camp fairs, however, are created equally. Flax recommends looking at the list of camps that will be exhibiting and advises “if the programs do not stand out to you, don’t waste your time!” An added benefit of these events is that they are often attended by impartial experts in the camp arena such as representatives from the American Camp Association or the organization hosting the event. Therefore, it’s important to identify who the organizer is and whether they are legitimate and responsive. Sheff counsels, “Camp fairs should be free to the public as the camps pay to attend. Any fair charging an admission fee is a red flag!”

Set yourself up for success. Attend a camp fair on a convenient day that’s close to home, particularly if you are visiting with day camps as they tend to promote at local events. Consider whether it makes sense to bring your children as some may be bored or present as distractions, while others enjoy the fun activities exhibitors offer. For older children especially, it presents a chance to be involved in the decision making process and get them excited for what the summer has in store. “The beauty of a camp fair,” Renee explains, “is that it can be eye-opening to see what excites your child. Their enthusiasm can be instrumental in guiding your final selection.”

Mission Possible

“Investing a little bit of time to narrow your options in advance can be so helpful,” Flax points out, saying, “Identify factors important to your family. Don’t simply think of your children as they exist today, but look at camps that could work for them in the long-term.” Sheff adds to that, “Know what you are looking for, know your family, know your child. There are camps for everyone.” She advises against, “becoming dazzled by a camp’s vast offerings if they are not right for your child.”

Visit the camp fair website in advance and familiarize yourself with the exhibitors if the information is available. Assess your family’s needs and narrow down the options by identifying some of these differentiating factors:

ages the camp serves
day camp vs. overnight camp
availability/location of busing
session camps vs. full summer camps
availability of early hours/aftercare
food offerings, i.e., allergies
indoor vs. outdoor focused programming
special needs services

Seek a map of the event space upon your arrival to locate the camps you found appealing. Flax warns against roaming aimlessly and highly recommends arriving with time to spare before the event closes. Additionally, be patient if the camp representatives are engaged for a short time upon your arrival.

What Matters Most

Prepare your questions in advance and bring a notebook. “It’s not about the right number of questions, but more importantly, the specific issues that are your family’s top priorities,” says Sheff. Curate your questions using the sample list below. Good questions will result in a strong sense of the camp’s culture and enable you to learn which simply do not work for your family.

1. Does a camp provide your child with your definition of safety, i.e., lifeguards, supervision, during field trips, etc.?

2. What does the camp strive to achieve, i.e., what’s considered a successful summer?

3. What activities does the camp focus on, i.e., frequency of swimming program, etc.

4. How is staff selected and trained?

5. What is the counselor-to-camper ratio and is it higher for younger campers?

6. What is the staff retention rate?

7. How are disciplinary problems handled?

8. How do you deal with child specific issues including homesickness, bedwetting, food allergies?

9. Do you offer busing and if so, who provides the service, where does it pick your child up and who is monitoring the children?

10. What do the children do on rainy days?

For overnight camps, how is bunk placement determined and how do they incorporate new children into existing bunks?

Follow-Up

While undeniably informative, camp fairs can result in information overload. Review your notes, taking into account the intrinsic connection you may have had with camp personnel. Following this exercise, one to three camps should emerge. Contact those camps to schedule off-season tours and use that opportunity to meet with the director and ask any questions you didn’t ask during the fair. Flax recommends requesting references from parents who have children in the same group that your child would be placed in to get an insider’s perspective on the camp experience.

Once you make your selection, feel confident that you have truly done your research and prepare your children for a wonderful experience. Flax provides peace of mind, asserting, “People who do their homework thoroughly and make a decision based on their family’s needs don’t tend to make mistakes.”

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Getting a Strong Start to 2018

March 8, 2018 by The Inside Press

By Scott M. Kahan

It’s almost spring and now is the time to give your finances a “spring cleaning!”

With the stock market sell off and continued volatility after record highs, interest rate increases, new tax laws and the ongoing uncertainty as to what is going on in Washington, now is the time to organize. Here are a few quick things to address to get started.

Review your portfolio. With the return of volatility in equity prices and rising interest rates, it’s probably a good time to review your asset allocation. A simple way to re-balance your portfolio is to first set what percent of your portfolio should be in each asset class. Then when reviewing your portfolio, the sectors that have gone up will be over weighted and should be reduced, while the underperforming sectors will be under weighted and can be added to. If you follow this practice, it forces you to sell high, buy low and take the emotions out of investing.
Review Your Taxes and Cash Flow. New tax laws have ushered in much confusion. With a limitation of $10,000 for SALT deductions, (State and local tax), along with various other impactful changes, now is the time to review your 2018 taxes. Even though you may be in a lower tax bracket, you still could end up paying more tax due to the lower allowed deductions. Check your withholding tax to make sure you are not under or over paying your taxes during the year. Then look to see if you are fully funding your retirement plans and look for all possible deductions to minimize your income tax. When you file your 2017 taxes, make sure to do a projection for 2018 as well.
Review Your Estate Planning. When was the last time you looked at your wills and other estate planning documents? Make sure all beneficiaries are in place in retirement accounts. Review to make sure you have named guardians for minor children. If you have avoided setting up your estate plans, now is the time to address this important issue.

A simple review can help bring focus to your overall financial picture. A qualified Certified Financial Planner Professional can help ensure your financial affairs are consistent with your current and long-term goals and objectives. Get a strong start for 2018!

Finding Peace, Love & Unity in Divisive Times

December 1, 2017 by Jodi Baretz, LCSW, CHHC

Holidays are supposed to be a festive time of year, but with all the political divisiveness, natural disasters and even terrorism in downtown Manhattan yet again, it has become difficult to maintain a sense of calm or contentment. The endless news cycles and social media frenzies have us outraged, but at the same time, desensitized us to the horrors that occur in the world. How do we set aside the screens, and engage in productive and constructive conversations with our family and friends when we are so divided? And, how can we find peace and happiness in such stressful times?

Find Common Ground

Focusing on things we can agree on, make it easier to come to an understanding on the issues in which we don’t see eye to eye. Everything is not black and white; there are plenty of grey areas. The idea is to find those areas where you may overlap. If you ask good questions, you will discover common values. Don’t approach the dialogue as being all or nothing; you don’t have to be “with someone” or “against them.” Don’t think us versus them. Have an open mind.

Be Curious, Pause and Observe

Mindfulness can help by increasing our awareness of how stress affects us. When we are stressed, we become reactive and quick to respond, especially with our families. Take time to pause when you are triggered by something or someone; then focus on the thoughts that accompany those feelings. Ask yourself: am I putting my own judgments on top of this experience? Am I making assumptions or jumping to conclusions? Drop into your body and notice where you are feeling the stress, anxiety or anger. Is it in your chest, throat, or belly? If you get out of your head and into your body, the feeling will shift. Pause before you respond. Give yourself some space.

Cultivate Compassion

My famous line is that we are all doing the best we can. Some friends give me a lot of grief for that line, but I truly believe we are doing our best with the information and experience we have. When others act out with anger and hurtful behavior, it usually comes from a place of pain. What did that person experience to make them act a certain way? Rarely is it personal. You don’t need to condone the hurtful behavior, but at least try and understand from where it is coming. When our anger turns to compassion and understanding, we become more peaceful. We actually can empathize with their pain, and realize it’s not about us.

Another way to build your empathy muscle is to try and send positive thoughts to those you don’t particularly care for, or with whom you are angry. This is not an easy task, but will also cultivate compassionate and allow you to become a more peaceful person. After all, if they suffer less, so will you. This does not mean we don’t fight for what we believe, and allow others to walk all over us, we are just in a better place to be able to respond appropriately.

See the Good

The holiday season can be busy and stressful, but take time to find the joy. See the good in people. We are all inextricably connected, and have moments of shared joy and shared pain, which unite us. Many of us felt the collective pain after Hillary lost the election, but also participated in the shared, fun experiences at the various community events in town. The way people helped each other around the country after the hurricanes regardless of political beliefs was incredible, and the way we rally around people in need in this community is just as heartening.

Just scroll through Chappaqua Moms, to see the compassion of the community helping those in need, (despite some of the other posts on there). Noticing moments like this bring us together as a nation and as a community, regardless of political beliefs and election results. So, this holiday season, whether you’re shopping at ICD or Squires, eating lunch at Le Jardin du Roi or having coffee at Tazza; look up from your phone and really notice the people around you. See the good, and have faith in humanity. Even though we may disagree, we are still very much connected.

Happy holidays!

A ‘Feed Me Fresh’ Success Story

October 22, 2017 by The Inside Press

Feed Me Fresh Architects (L-R): Kelly Sullivan, Helen Bock, Patty Black and Dawn Meyerski hosting.

BY GRACE BENNETT

In the warm and bucolic setting of gorgeous Ivanna Farms, a spectacular evening unfolded on a Saturday night in mid-September with so much support earmarked to the Mount Kisco Child Care Center (MKCCC), their efforts to provide quality child care and to make child care affordable to as many working parents as possible. At MKCCC’s 13th annual ‘Feed Me Fresh’ gala fundraiser, guests mingled early in the ‘lower tent,’ enjoyed wonderful music by The Shaves and Chappaqua’s own Jon Cobert, and later a culinary feast featuring samplings from multiple area restaurants and eateries in the ‘upper tent,’ a live auction, and of course a celebration of MKCCC’s 2017 honorees.

These two young volunteers served up delicious pesto samplers made with fresh cilantro from the MKCCC garden.

Feed Me Fresh 2017 Honorees Eric Hadar (long-time supporter and host with honorary co-chairs Margery Hadar and Karen Newman), Fran Osborne (MKCCC board member and honorary co-chairs Toni Kelly and Betsy Towl) and ‘Team Amy’ and honorary co-chairs Madeline Crabtree and John Crabtree.

Kelly Sullivan, chair of Feed Me Fresh, noted the generous time volunteers give to the event both in terms of planning and decorating, “to throw the nicest party of the year.” Board member and child care expert Barbara Klein related that her grandchild is now being cared for at MKCCC. “Having run the Chappaqua Children’s Workshop for many years where I worked with older children, this is my first experience observing an infant in child care. I was very impressed with the care and commitment. It’s a setting with very special people doing an amazing job. I firmly believe our family picked the perfect spot.”

Attendees Colleen and Ron Pascione of Millwood proudly stated that they had three children cared for at MKCCC and the oldest now volunteers there too. Chappaqua’s Claire Frieder said she supports the event because of the invaluable ‘peace of mind’ available to working parents “and especially those who can’t afford the regular costs of child care.”

‘Feed Me Fresh’ raised dollars ‘to help provide access to quality child care for working families’ at the Mount Kisco Child Care Center. To follow updates about the event too, or to donate, visit mkccc.org.