advice Archives - Inside Chappaqua and Inside Armonk: The Magazines for New and North Castle

A Packing List

June 3, 2017 by Meaghan Townsend

For the longest time, what to read (not pack) was the bigger decision for Meaghan.

It’s the time of year when I start thinking less about what I’m putting in my backpack than what I’ll soon be taking out of it. On the last day of school every year, I dump the contents of my bag onto my bedroom carpet, going through the arduous process of deciding what to keep. Thank-you note? Definitely saving that. Less-than-stellar math test? Recycling bin. AP review book? Donate. That random sock? Long overdue for the laundry room. It’s a cathartic thing, seeing the contents of my year go from a chaotic jumble to a neat stack on my shelf.

But this year, my challenge won’t be fitting my memories into my home. My challenge will be fitting my home into my memory. At the end of my next first day of school, I’ll be coming home to a dorm and a roommate, not my house and family. That’s an overwhelming thought. So I’m doing what I always do when I feel overwhelmed: making a list.

One of the most important things about packing is knowing what not to pack. Take it from me, a notorious over-packer whose bulging suitcase always gets an eye roll from the airline attendant. It can sometimes be easy to think, “It wouldn’t hurt to bring this…and this…” and you get the idea. But overpacking can weigh you down in more ways than one. So when I leave for college in three short months, I’m hoping to do so with a light mental suitcase. (Sorry, Mom–you know my real luggage is still going to fill up your entire minivan.)

I’m leaving behind fear. It’s good to be scared every so often–but not of circumstances that are out of my control. In the words of one of my favorite pieces of writing, a 1997 Chicago Tribune column, “The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.” I can’t prepare for every possible disaster that might befall me in college, and I won’t expect the ones that do. But I won’t let that stop me from seeking out new experiences. All I can do is be flexible, rolling with whatever punches life throws my way.

I’m also leaving behind disillusionment.

As a senior, I’ve been more involved in our community than ever. Unfortunately, I’m still learning that involvement has almost as much to do with disappointment as it does with fulfillment.

One of the most difficult lessons of Chappaqua, or maybe anywhere, is learning that institutions, credos, and people will sometimes fail you. But from that disenchantment comes the satisfaction of discovering a sense of perseverance and happiness in spite of shortcomings.

What else am I packing? Sunscreen. Perspective. Shower shoes. Forgiveness. Pencils. Courage. Confidence. Character. My DeMarie dinosaur. My pocket Constitution. My train of thought (wouldn’t want to lose that). My memories of our town’s many wonderful people, who have shaped me in too many ways to count.

Also: patience.

And, of course, I’m leaving some empty space. After all, if the place you’re headed won’t add something worthwhile to who you are, why bother going? The last thing I want to do is waste my transformative college years re-teaching myself everything I’ve already been taught. I want my perceptions to be challenged and changed; I want to be inundated with new ideas that teach me different ways to be a better person. Here’s to open suitcases and open minds.

No matter what I pack, I know I’ll feel like I’m forgetting something. How can I possibly recall everything Chappaqua has meant to me? I’ve seen the daffodils burst open in front of Reader’s Digest and kicked a soccer ball through autumn leaves at Gedney. I’ve watched my classmates get puppies, braces, jobs, and college acceptance letters. So much has changed in the 17 years I’ve called this town home. While I can’t know what will change in the next four, I’ll always be grateful to have grown up here. That gratitude will be on my packing list for the rest of my life.

Top 10 Financial Tidbits

June 3, 2017 by The Inside Press

BY SCOTT M. KAHAN CFP®

Join your company’s retirement plan and try to contribute as much as you can. Make sure you are contributing enough funds to get the maximum matching contribution from your employer.
One of the greatest gifts you can give is to help pay the education costs for your grandchildren. Any gifts, regardless of how large, made to anyone for the purpose of funding education, do not incur gift taxes as long as the payment is made directly to the educational institution.
Update your estate planning documents. Protect your health and your wealth with a health care proxy and durable power of attorney. Make sure your will and trusts leave money to the correct people.
Maximize your tax deductions. Donate items you don’t need to charity. If you expect a large income tax refund, change your withholding tax so you get more per month in your paycheck and less of a refund.
Buying low and selling high is a lot easier said than done. Have a solid rebalancing strategy in place that helps take the emotions out of investing.
A shorter mortgage isn’t always better. Consider taking a long-term mortgage, and then make additional payments when you can. If things become financially “tight,” you can stop making additional payments.
Protect tangible assets with the right amount of homeowners, automobile and liability insurance for liability and disasters.
Withdrawing retirement plan assets before age 59½ may lead to a 10% penalty; not withdrawing enough after age 70½ may lead to a 50% penalty. Moral of the story? Know when to make withdrawals.
Pay yourself first. As you set your budget each month, set aside money for savings and fixed expenses first. What’s left over can be used for other purposes.
Like regular checkups with your physician, regular reviews with a Certified Financial Planner professional are important to your financial “health.”

Scott M. Kahan, is a Certified Financial Planner® professional and President of Financial Asset Management Corporation, a fee-only wealth management firm located at 26 South Greeley Avenue in Chappaqua. Call Scott Kahan at 914-238-8900.

A Mindful Mother’s Day Guide

April 23, 2017 by Jodi Baretz, LCSW, CHHC

By Jodi Baretz

Wikipedia states: “Mother’s Day is a celebration honoring motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society.”

But day to day, we all know that Mom is a huge, complicated job, influenced by many factors. Mothers are the nurturers, caretakers, managers and glue of our families, and so much more.

Although our quest for perfectionism can feel justified in our community of overachievers, it would serve us well to accept that we are humans, not superheroes. We all make mistakes, endure tons of guilt, blame ourselves when our children hit a bump in the road; just like our mothers did before us. Relationships with our own mothers can be complicated as well. So, what if your Mother’s Day experience doesn’t fit on a Hallmark card? Here’s how I suggest you can give yourself the gift of a ‘mindful’ Mother’s Day.

Give yourself permission to not be perfect

Life is complicated for the modern mom. No matter what your children’s age, we all struggle with the same kinds of challenges. The mom’s in my mindfulness boot camp groups, as well as my clients, seem to express the same themes. Some common ones are: feeling like they are being pulled in so many different directions, struggling to get to-do lists done, not enjoying the moment… because their minds are usually thinking about the next one. In addition, they want to find meaning, purpose, and balance, all while trying to be the perfect mom. Ditch the perfectionistic mindset, you have a lot on your plate, and it will all get done eventually.

“Put the oxygen mask on yourself, before you put it on someone else.”

Filling up our own cup first is an essential ingredient to being a good mother. If we are run down, stressed, always trying to be perfect, we are not able to be the best mother we can be.

One thing at a time

Often we do not slow down enough to realize how chaotic our lives have become. We are so busy multi-tasking (which we think is something to be proud of), that we can sometimes stop doing anything well because we are constantly breaking our attention going from task to task. While I do realize multi-tasking is part of the job description, focusing on one task at a time makes us more effective, and decreases stress and anxiety.

Try a bit of self-compassion

In addition to self-care, self-compassion is something we, as mothers, neglect to practice. It is much easier and natural to beat ourselves up over everything from not cooking dinner to our child’s less than perfect behavior. Life happens. #%&! happens. Every mother goes through this. It’s part of the journey.

Try and tame the negative inner critic that berates you for your shortcomings. We all try to do the best we can, but despite our tireless efforts, we can’t guarantee to anyone ever that everything will run smoothly. We will always have moments when we freak out on our kids, and circumstances will arise that lead us to neglect certain tasks.

Our kids will struggle–and that’s ok because that is how they will learn and grow. So, when you hear that critical voice talking in your head, acknowledge that it’s there and then show yourself some compassion and stop paying attention to it. Instead, focus on all the good and positive things–the wonderful job you do as a loving, caring mom.

Cut your own mom some slack

Take a look at your relationship with your own mother, and show her some compassion as well. When you are little, your mom’s the center of the universe. The moment you realize she is simply human, and lacks the superpowers you thought she did, can be difficult to reconcile. You put her on a pedestal and it turns out she’s a flawed human being…just like you. There is something scary and humbling in realizing that. Accepting your mother for who she is, imperfections and all, will lead to a better relationship–you can’t change her anyway. Celebrate the good.

So if you struggle as a mother, or struggle with your mother, you are not alone. Parental relationships are complicated. D.W. Winnicott coined the notion of the “good enough mother,” which means that her failure to adapt to every need of the child helps them adapt to external realities. So, let’s honor all aspects of the journey and embrace imperfection as the Hallmark of motherhood. Happy Mother’s Day!

Jodi Baretz, LCSW, CHHC, is a psychotherapist, mindfulness and holistic health coach at The Center for Health and Healing in Mount Kisco. She is the founder of the program and author of Mindfulness is the New Skinny, and a speaker on mindfulness. She lives in Millwood with her husband and two teenage boys, Visit jodibaretz.com and join her this summer for meditation by the lake.

Understanding the Key Ingredients for a Successful Marriage

March 5, 2017 by Danika Altman, Ph.D.

When you commit to marriage, you intend to take on the most meaningful project of your life. All projects take work but why are some couples happy and others miserable in the process? While chemistry and romance play a part some couples work together more successfully than others. Being open to the following ways of relating is likely why.

Paying Attention

When you pay attention to each other, you become aware of each other’s moods and preferences. Paying attention to each other’s thoughts and feelings enables you both to intuit and address each of your needs. When you feel seen and heard by your partner, you feel valued and special.

Considering Differences

Opposites tend to attract. Your personalities may be complementary, but they also may be polarizing. When they are polarizing, you feel angry and frustrated. Rather than try to prove your way is better, think about why you approach the same problem so differently. Just the effort of considering rather than judging your partner’s point of view will likely feel very meaningful to him or her. Sometimes a husband or wife asks me dumbfounded, “Why can’t my spouse do it the way I would?” Asking a question instead of reaming your spouse for doing it “wrong” engenders a discussion.

Feedback is helpful. Criticism is alienating. When your spouse makes an accusation or complaint it is quite helpful to consider whether it has some validity. You can then decide if you are wed to your way or wed to your spouse.

Working as a Team

Teamwork is about good communication, patience, and encouragement while combining your skills to work together toward a mutual goal. It involves listening, considering what has been expressed, and responding with ideas that take into account both of your perspectives. Sometimes arguing is necessary to find solutions, but arguing to hurt or prove the other person wrong is hurtful and divisive.

The experience of love and hate in the process of finding a mutually satisfying solution actually keeps relationships vital. If you stay on the same side believing that you both have good intentions you will be kinder to each other. A happy marriage requires negotiation and at least some compromise. Finding a mutually gratifying solution or taking turns giving in allows you to recognize and appreciate the sacrifices you make for one another.

If you feel alienated, it’s likely one or both of you is engaging in unhealthy ways of coping. Inflexibility, giving up, blaming others, denying problems or abusing alcohol and drugs are some examples of unhealthy coping. One trap is turning to friends or family to gain support for negative feelings toward your spouse. More often than not this increases defensiveness, arguing and discord.

Giving and Gratitude

The spirit of giving and gratitude also works to keep couples together. Expressing appreciation for the ways in which you prioritize meeting each other’s needs engenders positive feeling. Expressing gratitude for the ways you take care of your household together can make chores feel less burdensome. Feeling taken for granted, results in withholding, anger and hopelessness. A relationship based on giving and gratitude and shared responsibility engenders cycles of reciprocity rather than resentment.

Being Flexible

If you both stay flexible, conflicts resolve more easily. Try to think about why you may be holding hard and fast to a belief. If you both dig in your heels and fight about whose way is right, it will be harder to resolve the problem. If either spouse asserts: “I am not going to change. You need to accept me for who I am,” he or she is not working toward the greater goal of mutual happiness. Unhappy couples are resigned to the idea that “people do not change” so they act and react to each with anger, passive aggression, stubbornness, and resignation.

Offering Friendship

Ask yourself what do you like about friendship? Companionship, laughter, support, fun, and good natured competition are typical answers. Good natured competition means the goal is to admire the winner and take losing in stride. Couples that spend time together sharing activities like playing a sport or even watching a TV series feel identified and connected. Spouses who share the benefits of friendship are happier.

Couples who succeed are the ones who face life challenges feeling like a good team. If you resolve your conflicts, generate solutions together, and reach your mutual goals, you will continue to feel satisfied and happy in your marriage. When you value each other, and enjoy each other, you know you are better together than apart.

Danika Altman, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice with adolescents, adults, and couples. She also works as a management skills and interview preparation coach. She has offices in Pleasantville, NY, and in Manhattan.

Tips for Women who Plan to Travel Solo

June 3, 2016 by The Inside Press

Miriam (second from left) on a cliff in Morocco with new friends met on a guided tour.

By Miriam Longobardi

Have you ever wanted to get on a plane and leave the country to have an adventure by yourself? If the idea feels simultaneously appealing yet overwhelming, allow me to break it down into a manageable plan. I have taken several, three-week solo journeys overseas exploring new countries and, while it takes considerable planning, the freedom is exhilarating!

Research and plan. Preparing for my trips builds excitement and anticipation. I enjoy reading travel books about my destinations. Rick Steves’ books cover many European destinations and his tips are very helpful and practical, but I read across many sources to find a consensus about neighborhoods, local customs and hot spots, and the best times to visit certain attractions. Steves has podcasts and interactive maps you can download for walking tours and the audio guide to many museums which saves money and time waiting on lines to rent headsets.

Simply load up your phone and get right to sightseeing. Most tourist attractions offer online ticket purchases and some allow you to choose your entry time. Consult maps: Streetwise makes easy-to-read large, laminated maps of many cities and will give you a sense of where to stay based on your plans. Consider your activities both day and night. Do you want to be on the beach and take cabs to town or in town and take a cab to the beach?

Do you want to be able to walk to most places or stay off the beaten path? Maximize your time by familiarizing yourself with the city in advance.

Read reviews. As a woman traveling alone I like a specific destination. TripAdvisor, Booking.com, Airbnb and VRBO are all reputable sites I have used to book accommodations abroad. I cannot stress enough the importance of thoroughly reading several reviews because people are generally honest. Weigh the disgruntled traveler’s poor experience against the others. I chose a hotel in Spain because the manager personally responded to every review which showed customer service is a priority. If you’re staying several days or a week in one city, consider renting an apartment or home on VRBO or Airbnb. I have rented lovely apartments on VRBO when I had my young daughters in tow at significantly lower cost than a hotel and had a kitchen and washing machine.

Another good option traveling solo is a bed and breakfast because the proprietors are usually on site and can be an excellent resource. After reading reviews about a B&B in Italy, I stayed there because all reviewers mentioned how fun and friendly the couple who ran it were, and they turned out to be really terrific company!

Be safe. The moment has arrived: you’ve checked into your hotel, you’ve got your map (keep it with you at all times!) and you’re ready to go exploring. Lock your passport and money in a safe at your hotel and carry a securely zipped purse across your body, holding tightly at all times, especially when snapping photos or admiring views. Carry just enough cash and one credit card, and alert your banks that you’ll be out of the country.

When it comes to unwelcome attention from men, err on the side of being rude –they’ll get over it. Men from certain cultures flirt nearly compulsively, and certain cultures have a general lack of respect for unescorted women. Don’t take it personally and avoid isolated parts of town.

Solo socializing. Some find socializing alone daunting, especially if you’re not a 20-something backpacker toward which much nightlife is geared. Quieter venues for a more mature crowd tend to attract couples, so where to go? My biggest challenge is finding casual but lively bars for people close(ish) to my age. I ask hotel staff, salespeople and bartenders for ideas. A group tour can help connect you with potential companions, or simply strike up a conversation with people around you. I asked locals in Venice where good nightlife is and they took me all around, showing me the town. When a cab driver in Croatia asked me where to, I said, “Surprise me,” and he dropped me at a beach concert which was a blast! He even arranged to pick me up afterward knowing I was alone and cabs would be scarce!

If solo travel is something you’ve considered, give it a try. For a first time, you may want to pick an English-speaking country or even just a U.S. or Canadian city to get your feet wet. Traveling at your own pace is incredibly liberating and you’ll meet and interact with far more people than with a friend or group. Start planning, and get out there! The world beckons.

Miriam is a single mother of two daughters living in Westchester. She is currently planning her boldest solo journey yet-three weeks in Thailand, Singapore, and Hong Kong this summer.