The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

Divorce

On the Precipice: Choosing to End Your Marriage AND Preserve Your Family

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And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Anais Nin (quoted in Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow by Elizabeth Lesser)

Well darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable
And lightness has a call that’s hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety ’til I sank it
I’m crawling on your shores

The Indigo Girls, Closer to Fine

By Neil Kozek, Esq. and Michelle Lewis, Esq.

No matter how we feel about our marriage, choosing to divorce can be terrifying. Remaining in an intact nuclear family is a source of tremendous comfort, providing stability, certainty, and social acceptance that may feel impossible to replicate outside its confines.

On the other side of divorce, we may be unable to imagine that an exciting, rewarding, or happy new life awaits us. While that new life may present opportunities to realize our most desired and passionate dreams for ourselves, the fear of the unknown may also be a source of mystery and anxiety. Peering over the edge of our known lives, we may only be capable of seeing darkness. Should we jump into the icy waters of the unknown? Or should we stay in our lives, unfulfilled, but safe? 

There is something about ending our marriage that frightens us to our core: if we are not a member of our family unit, not someone’s wife or husband, then who are we? If we do not share a home with our children every day of their childhoods, are we still a full-fledged parent? The prospect of divorce may fill us with shame and guilt as well as uncertainty.

Another obstacle to making the decision to divorce is our fear of the divorce process itself. We have all known or heard about family, friends, and even celebrities who have been consumed by their divorces, their lives going up in bitter flames of hate, judgment, and disgrace. We have heard the cautionary tales about attorneys who prey on vulnerable clients, promising them the sun, the moon and the stars, and their spouse’s head on a spit, only to leave them alienated from their own children, broke, and bereft. Sometimes it feels like even the most uncomplicated divorces become unnecessarily nasty, expensive, and protracted.

A traditional divorce process can give the more monied spouse the ability to exercise financial control by withholding support, transferring or wasting assets, and engaging in soul crushing litigation over every issue. Likewise, it can give the primary caregiver of the children the opportunity to play the role of victim, persuading the children that the other parent is selfish, cruel, or even dangerous. These fears are not unfounded, and many families unwittingly find themselves crushed and broken by the powerful tides of divorce litigation.

We have all heard that children whose parents are divorced come from “broken” homes. Parents who are divorced are “single” parents. The prevalent images in our culture surrounding divorced families are images of sad and unsupervised children, torn between embittered, frazzled and lonely parents. It is common knowledge that these children are at risk for educational, social, and emotional distress and failure to reach their potential. Who would choose this for their children? Persuaded by these pervasive images and beliefs, it is understandable that many unhappy couples have decided that the price of personal freedom at the potential expense of their children’s wellbeing is too high. Staying married seems to be the safest course.

Divorce, however, does not have to extract this kind of cost. Not only can you eschew the highly adversarial litigation process; if you and your spouse are aligned, you can preserve your family and protect your children’s wellbeing. Closing the door on the chapter of your lives in which you lived under one roof is certainly painful and sad, but it is not the end of your family’s story. As one door closes, a new one opens, and you and your spouse can begin a new chapter as co-parents in separate homes who support one another and coordinate your children’s care with maturity and respect.

The first and most important step is to have a frank discussion with your spouse about your decision to end the marriage and your goal of doing so in an out of court process that preserves and strengthens your ability to parent your children together. If you can agree on these goals, then the next step for each of you is finding and selecting an attorney who understands and supports your goals. Look for attorneys trained in collaborative divorce or mediation, as they will have the necessary tools, techniques, skills, commitment, and experience to help you restructure your family without destroying one another or your children.

In collaborative divorce, you and your spouse will meet with your attorneys and often will work as part of a team with a financial neutral and a trained mental health professional. Collaborative divorce may appeal to you if you want to have an attorney safeguarding your interests in the room during negotiations, if your finances are complex and the knowledge you and your spouse have about the finances is unequal, or if you feel that overwhelmingly strong emotions might derail a settlement without the assistance of a trained professional.

In mediation, you and your spouse will typically meet with a mediator who does not represent either of you but is trained to facilitate dialogue concerning your interests and to assist you in generating and choosing the best options to settle your case. Mediation is particularly well suited to couples who share financial information, have comparable levels of financial sophistication, and have some reservoir of trust in one another. It can also be an excellent choice for couples who substantially agree on parenting issues or whose children are grown. Be mindful that mediated agreements should always be reviewed by independent attorneys for each spouse. In either process, trust is going to be an important factor.

So as you stand uncomfortably on what may feel like the precipice of a high cliff, whipped by the winds of indecision as to whether to leave your marriage, know that if you decide to plunge, you do not have to be shattered on the rocks or tossed by the frothy waves below. If you and your spouse choose your attorneys and your divorce process wisely, you can successfully separate with dignity and respect, your relationships with your children intact and your finances preserved.

Mr. Kozek is a litigator, collaborative attorney, and founding member of Kramer Kozek LLP, a boutique Matrimonial Law Firm practicing in suburban and metropolitan New York City. He is a Fellow of both the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) and International Academy of Family Lawyers (IAFL), a pioneer of New York’s trend toward out-of-court dispute resolution which includes founding the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals (NYACP )and serving on the Board of Directors of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP). Mr. Kozek has been recognized in Best Lawyers in America, Top 25 attorneys in Westchester County, and is rated “AV” by Martindale Hubble as pre-eminent in both ethical standards and legal ability. He lectures and has written extensively on the topics of divorce, Collaborative Practice and Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR).

Ms. Lewis is also a member of Kramer Kozek LLP where she concentrates her practice exclusively on Matrimonial and Family Law matters, focusing on Collaborative Divorce, Mediation, Mediation Review and Litigation. She currently serves on the Board of Directors of the NYACP. Ms. Lewis began her career in ADR while focusing on Family Law and earning her Juris Doctorate from Harvard University prior to joining Kramer Kozek.  Ms. Lewis recently received accolades for her pro bono service to separated and divorcing spouses from the Legal Services of the Hudson Valley. Ms. Lewis has been practicing law since 1998.

Mr. Kozek and Ms. Lewis are both active members of the Family Law Sections of multiple bar associations including the Westchester County, Westchester County Women’s, American and the New York and New Jersey State Bar Associations. Both have been recognized for their achievements in Collaborative and Family Law by New York Metro Super Lawyers.

For additional information about Neil and Michelle or to learn more about Kramer Kozek LLP, their website is kramerkozek.com and the firm’s main number is 914-683-3500. 

 

 

 

 

Dear Dads: How to Keep Post Divorce Relations Amiable With Your Ex

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Amid the divorce horror stories most of us have heard at one time or another are those rare happily-ever-after couples whose divorces seem better than many marriages. Child support payments are on time and never questioned, regular visitation and paternal involvement in the children’s lives are a given, and the home and assets were divided fairly without contention. Who are these divorced dad unicorns? How are they moving through the divorce seemingly effortlessly and without acrimony? Luckily I happen to know such men and they were willing to share advice.

Put children’s best interests first. Tom, a divorced dad from Thornwood, says focusing on the emotional needs of children is critical. Tom acknowledges that his ex is a wonderful mother and speaks well of her to his eleven-year-old son. He lets his son pick out small gifts for birthday and holidays to give to his ex-wife so he has something to give his mom. Small gestures like that can help kids of any age feel more comfortable around special events that are no longer shared as a family.

Maintain timely payments if they are legally yours to make, per an agreement. Tom regards the financial end of his divorce as a business arrangement and treats it as such by honoring his obligations. “If an occasional payment is going to be late, give notice and explain why, then catch up as quickly as possible. Keep lines of communication open; if a question about an unexpected expense arises, discuss it calmly,” he advises.

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Decide you will have a positive relationship. Early on, Vincent, a divorced father of two daughters in White Plains, decided nothing that led to his divorce was relevant anymore and proceeded with a ‘clean slate’ mindset. “It’s a new chance to have a positive relationship with someone you once cared about. Collaborative co-parenting is not only healthy for the kids, it’s healthy for us,” he shared. “Letting go and being positive is a gift to yourself.”

Embrace your new life. “Getting excited about something new is a great diversion at a time when you need one,” reports Vincent. Whether it’s working out, kayaking, or hiking, being physically active is a natural mood elevator. Oftentimes newly divorced men rush into new relationships, but Vincent cautions against this. “People expect to feel normal much more quickly than is realistic. Allow at least a year after the divorce is finalized. It’s hard to have a solid relationship that began before the last one was truly over.”

Mediation Pros and Cons

Not divorced yet? Consider mediation but be sure it is right for both of you. Katherine Miller, a mediator and collaborative lawyer in New Rochelle, weighs in.

“If one or both parties need a lot of individual support to understand and hold on to information to make an informed decision, mediation is not for them,” Miller shares. “The couples who successfully mediate are those able to honor the relationship they had and view the marriage not as a mistake, but a good thing that has come to an end.”

Mediation Mistakes

“We’ve done all the work ourselves.” “The better choice is when couples decide what they can work out on their own with their mediator, not beforehand,” offers Miller. “Deciding how you will make important decisions together is the single most important decision.”

Angry threats Threats in anger, like, “I’ll quit my job before paying maintenance!” or “You’ll never see the children!” are not realistic and only escalate emotions. You can get heated and angry and disagree, but do your best to work it through.

Power imbalance When there is a clear power imbalance, financially or emotionally, the party who never had a voice in the marriage tends to feel suspicion or mistrust during mediation. This may be because he or she has never truly understood the financial picture. Both parties must be able to trust the mediator. Some couples bring their own lawyers (or therapists!) into mediation.

Saving money What makes mediation go smoothly is the commitment to do what makes sense for the family, especially for the children–not saving money. Effective co-parenting enables both parents to be involved in their children’s lives, like attending games and graduations.

Positive family interaction post-divorce empowers kids, and that’s what really matters.

Question of “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” Surviving ‘Marriage Limbo’

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The author and her girls

Many of us are familiar with the old song by the Clash, “Should I stay or should I go?” Unlike the lyrics, which pose the question to a partner, I, like many women, asked the question of myself years ago when considering divorce. It is not an easy question to answer even when your gut is telling you to go. My feelings about the marriage were not in question, but many factors weighed on me. My top few were financial, my social life, and, most importantly, the effect divorce would have on my children.

Can I afford to live on one income?

Having just purchased a home, I had major concerns about whether I could manage the mortgage and all household bills on one income. A free consult with a lawyer quickly gave me hope when I learned what my ex’s monthly child support obligation would be. With a little belt-tightening and a strict budget I realized I would manage. I feel very fortunate that my salary plus child support enabled me to refinance the house in my name.

Ilene Amiel, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, advises that women fully understand their net worth, including equity on the home, debt, insurance policies, and their credit score. She urges them to establish their own credit if they don’t have accounts of their own. “Obtain the last three years income tax returns,” said Amiel. “Getting divorced may be a short or long-term plan depending on the circumstances, but do your research. Act slowly, think first, and file later.”

What about my social life?

Not only did I wonder how I would navigate socially as a single mother, I had trouble envisioning telling my friends, most of whom were married. How would I maintain friendships with the women I had come to know through my ex? How would I make new friends when work and my children took up most of my time? The answers did not appear overnight and it took active effort to develop my new social life. Being single does not preclude one from socializing with couple friendships, but it is critical to create a network of one’s own. Reconnecting with old friends was remarkably easy and they were supportive of my decision. Slowly, I developed new friendships which became some of the closest I have known.

Will getting divorced ruin my kids’ lives?

While it may sound melodramatic, it’s a question I pondered. Divorce is not easy on anyone, but kids have their own fears and concerns. I was referred to Mary Borowka, LCSW, who has a child psychotherapy practice in Chappaqua. Working with each of my children individually and in small groups with another child of the same age enabled them to express and learn how to process their feelings and recognize they are not alone in their experience. In a recent interview, Borowka reminded me that by the time parents are ready to share news of their divorce with their kids, they’ve already gone through the processing of that decision, but for the children it is just the beginning of a huge life transition. Along with feelings of sadness, kids often have concrete questions about logistical concerns, such as where they will live, when they will see the other parent, what will become of family vacations and what else in their lives will change.

As the divorce process ensues, she reminds parents not to lose sight of their child’s best interests. “How parents deal with one another has everything to do with how life after divorce will be experienced by a child,” she said. She encourages couples to avoid losing positive regard for one another, “Hostility between parents makes kids feel they have two separate parts of their lives that they need to figure out how to negotiate on their own.

“Kids want to like both parents and you should want them to as well. Healthy relationships with parents create a good foundation for healthy relationships throughout life.”

Kids can survive and resiliently move through a divorce when parents make the effort to conduct themselves in a manner in the best interests of the children.

I have never regretted my choice and my children are happy and productive young adults now. Having a supportive network of friends and family were key to logistical challenges and emotional support, all of which helped me to create a life of my own design that I treasure.

Miriam Longobardi is a freelance writer, fourth grade teacher and single mother of two daughters living in Westchester. A breast cancer survivor, she volunteers for the American Cancer Society, has completed four marathons and travels the world. Follow her on Twitter @writerMimiLong.

Five Biggest Financial Mistakes Made During a Divorce

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divorce story galBy Ilene Amiel

Divorce is a stressful time. It’s hard to think clearly and be organized when your life is turning upside down. Once you decide to divorce, you begin a process new to you. I tell my clients that getting divorced is like playing a board game that doesn’t come with instructions. You’re not sure what to do, how the game works, what the rules are and how to win (or not lose).

You hire a lawyer or mediator and hope that he/she will help you get a fair settlement. From a legal standpoint, you may be in good shape. But from a financial standpoint, you really need to understand the game. Not understanding your finances can cost you a lot of money and affect you and your children for the rest of your life.

The five biggest mistakes that people make involve budgeting, taxes, medical insurance and credit score management. Here they are:

1. Underestimating Budgets

The most important documents that you will be required to prepare are the Financial Affidavit aka Statement of Net Worth and a monthly budget. Your attorney can help you put them together but, ultimately, it’s up to you to provide accurate and complete information in each category; these will be the basis for negotiations and for the courts. The challenge is to create detailed financial documents based on dozens of line items to properly reflect your assets, liabilities and monthly expenses.

You must include every single expense even if it occurs only once or twice a year. Unexpected expenditures that arise such as appliance, home or car repairs along with unforeseen medical expenses have to be included. Although the Statement of Net Worth and budget can be revised, once you have submitted your final documents, your lawyers will use them to negotiate a settlement. If you underestimate your monthly expenses, you will have to deal with it once the divorce is completed.

2. Misunderstanding Marital Status on Tax Returns

If you’re in the middle of a divorce on December 31, and you both agree to the filing, you can file a joint return. However, once the divorce is final, the IRS considers you divorced for the entire year. You must file as single or head of household (if you have custody of the children). The reason this is important is that generally filing jointly provides the most beneficial tax outcome for most couples. If one of the spouses owes taxes, it could be considered a marital liability. I highly recommend that you consult with your CPA or tax preparer. He/she can review your previous returns and evaluate the current situation to choose the best financial option.

3. Forgetting about a Maintenance Tax

The second issue that is often forgotten is tax on maintenance (aka alimony or marital support). Maintenance is taxable as income to the recipient and tax deductible for the payor. Many people neglect to save a percent of their monthly payment for taxes and then need to come up with a large payment on April 15. You do have a choice and for some couples, the tax consequences are more favorable if they make payments nondeductible and nontaxable because of tax consequences.
Taxes are an ongoing obligation and need to be planned for during the year.

4. Inadequately Researching Medical Insurance

Once your divorce is final, each spouse will be responsible for their own medical insurance. For those individuals whose spouse was insured by an employer sponsored plan, COBRA allows for you to stay on the same plan as you had when while married for three years post divorce. With the costs of insurance changing constantly, it is best to research the options before the divorce is final in order to determine the most cost effective plan to meet your needs.

5. Failing to Check Credit Rating

And now, the last but not least most important mistake that divorcing individuals make: not checking and understanding their credit rating.

Your credit rating is used to determine what rates you can get on loans, lines of credit, car leases and credit cards. While you were married, anything in a joint account or jointly owned will be reflected on your individual credit report and score. Before your divorce is complete, you should get a copy of your credit score and report from all three reporting bureaus–Experian, Equifax and Trans Union. If your credit score is low or contains errors, now is the time to fix it. If you have late payments on your report, they can remain on there for seven years.

You need to fix these mistakes on the reports and learn how to improve your score so you will have the highest rating possible as you move from a married person to a single person with your own identity.

Ilene Amiel is a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) who helps divorcing individuals with the financial aspects of their divorces. For more information about Ilene, please visit divorcefinancialconsultant.com or call (914) 980-0898.

Second Saturday Divorce Workshop

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Meet a group of professionals who will address the legal, financial, family and personal issues of divorce in a logical and compassionate way.
With the guidance of trained professionals, participants can gain a greater understanding of the confusing divorce process.
The next workshop is Saturday-September 13th, 8:30 a.m.-11:30 a.m., and will continue the 2nd Saturday of every month. Cost is $45. 100% of proceeds will support the not-for-profit, Wife.org.

Where: Workshops will be held at 100 South Bedford Road, Suite 340, Mount Kisco.

To register or for more information email: mishelle@secondsaturdaywestchester.com
Visit www.secondsaturdaywestchester.com to learn more