The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

Essay

My Idea of Beauty at 19 and Now

by

Author and his wife Laurie

It was the late 1980’s and a Grateful Dead cover band was playing it hot at a local college bar. Across the room I saw her. A classic Deadhead chick in faded jeans and a tie-dye, covered with a loose peasant blouse. She was balancing a beer in a plastic cup while un-self-consciously bopping to the music. To say she was an enticing vision would be an understated lie. She was just outstanding. At 19, I probably fell in love at least twice a week but this moment stood out. I was not the type to approach a girl in a bar and I may have stared a little too intently but it definitely felt like lightning had struck.

As it turned out I eventually got to know this stunning hippy girl, just a little, and away from that moment in time the magic was gone. She was sweet and cute but there was no connection. In retrospect that moment at the bar, aside from my unwieldy 19-year-old ardor, was a great summation of my understandably naïve take on beauty.

Back then I was limited in my perception of so many things. If I were to consider my opinion of what was beautiful at that time it would now seem dated and superficial. I’ll present here, embarrassing as it may be, what might have been my vision of an ideal evening at that time even if it was, in reality, completely out of reach. I’d pick up my date (picture the hippy chick above but really into me) in my new red Porsche 944 (one of the company’s few failed models), we’d have a fine meal at TGI-Friday’s (who knew mozzarella could be deep-fried!) and then we’d head off to the movies to see the latest John Hughes teen angst flick (to this day I still don’t quite understand Eric Stoltz’s big plan in “Some Kind of Wonderful”). I know. This scenario is not appealing.

Cut to 2019 and the world is spinning wildly out of control and we the people are divided. Social media is pervasive and invasive and we’re clearly, as a society, moving forward into unchartered territory in so many ways. As for me, I’m as immersed in the chaos as anyone else but I endure and now I believe, I have a more credible and learned perspective on the subject of what constitutes beauty.

I can now see beauty in so many things that had been inconceivable to me when I was a younger man. Obviously, watching our children grow and evolve is a no-brainer but is also a profound movement away from inherent pre-kids self-absorption. Having worked for many years, I now recognize the allure of someone doing a job, any job, with commitment, honor and excellence. I’ve been fortunate enough to have unexpected friendships that make life more fulfilling and fun. I’m also lucky to still be able to compete athletically at sports I loved as a child. Not to mention the pleasure of good food be it a bacon and egg on a roll or fresh summer peach.

I can now see beauty in so many things that had been inconceivable to me when I was a younger man.

Undoubtedly, the most consistent and important aspect of beauty I’ve been fortunate to be exposed to is my wife. Laurie is the embodiment of gorgeous both physically and spiritually. I’ve known her a long time and am completely secure in our relationship yet I still have moments where I shake my head and say, “How the hell did I achieve this”? On a typical morning, she’ll get dressed for work and ask me how she looks. This daily exchange has occurred for years. My first instinct is usually to say “beautiful” because that’s the truth. However, I usually choose a more work-setting appropriate adjective. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I look forward to that interaction every day.

Way back, at 19, I had another one of those memorable moments not unlike at the bar with the Deadhead chick. A lovely girl pulled up in a funky orange European car wearing a red-sweater and blue jeans. She had stunning coffee-colored eyes that matched her long hair. My heart fluttered a bit as I caught sight of this beautiful young woman. It was years later that we got to know each other well. Of course, it was Laurie and the lesson I’ve learned is that true beauty can even transcend the naivete of youth.

Finding Your Village

by

Christine with her family

The life of a mom who stays at home with young kids can be many things–exciting and fulfilling, yes, but also, crazy, hectic, and sometimes… lonely. Without the proverbial village we all hear about, it can be hard for a mom (or dad) to find their way in a community without guidance.

When my husband and I moved to Hawthorne, our daughter was not quite two and I needed a way to get to know the community and meet other stay-at-home moms like myself. We joined a local music class and did some fun events at the library. Incidentally, if you have young kids, story time with Miss Debbie at the Mount Pleasant Library is absolutely wonderful. But then my daughter started pre-school and our son came along. After he was born, things were definitely frenzied. I felt like I was running around in circles everywhere but not really meeting people in the community.

“Having just moved to Westchester all the way from the West Coast, and having limited support nearby, I was anxious to find my village–FAST,” said Johnson.

One day as I was perusing Facebook, I came upon a post from another local mom looking to meet others with similar-aged kids. Her name was Jenifer Johnson and she had created a group called Pleasantville Play Date Meet-up and right there, a new village was born! She was, just like me and so many others, a mom who simply wanted to get herself and her kids out of the house and socialize with others.

“I’ve always been a believer that being a parent takes “a village.” Having just moved to Westchester all the way from the West Coast, and having limited support nearby, I was anxious to find my village–FAST,” said Johnson, who currently runs the Ridgefield, CT Playdate Meet-up.

“Social media is an excellent tool to bring people together and connect with those who have similar interests. In my case, I was looking for other moms like me who lived close by and had an interest in making new friends and socializing our children. I created a group with a very basic name, stock photo of a playdate and posted it on some other, larger Parent groups.”

The group took off, with members joining from all over the Mount Pleasant area. Instead of just planning meetups at a local park, parents started hosting play dates at their homes, which evolved into special events like holiday parties, craft days, and more.

And then, it went from just getting the kids together to getting the moms out too. It’s important for moms to have some quality kid-free time. So one night a group of us got together to do a craft night and “Mom’s Night Out” was born. Cookie exchanges, baby showers, mani-pedi nights and many a birthday celebration followed. And the group also holds a monthly dinner at restaurants all around town.

Jennifer Liddle, the group’s current admin says, “As the admin, it is so rewarding to brainstorm and execute events for local moms and kids to meet. I’ve made some of my closest friends through this group–friendships that transcend the initial reason why we met in the first place, our kids. Additionally, I’ve seen several other friendships blossom and it makes me so proud that I have had a part in that. I remember when I moved to the suburbs, I was worried it would be impossible to make friends. This group of ours made it possible.”

Continues Johnson, “Eventually, this tiny idea became a reality with new parents joining everyday. Play dates, mom’s night’s, BBQ’S, birthday parties–we had our village. Jennifer Liddle, who runs the group now, has taken it to over 270 members! It’s awesome!”

As an introvert, it can be hard for me to get out of my comfort zone and take a chance in meeting new people. But sometimes you just have to do it and hope for the best. As Thomas Jefferson said, “With great risk comes great reward.”

I’m so glad I did. I’ve cultivated many new friendships through the group. We all want to feel like we belong somewhere. And it’s great to know that there are others you can turn to for camaraderie and support.

I truly enjoy living in Mount Pleasant and really feel like I’ve become a part of the community-at-large. I’ve gotten to know my town and my community through local meeting places such as the library, farmers market, school events, and of course a Facebook play date group that I just happened to click on that fateful day.

My School Days as a Twin

by

(L-R): Rebecca and Julia Bialek on the first day of kindergarten
PHOTO COURTESY OF JULIA BIALEK

I have a twin sister, but we were born on different days. Throughout our lives, our parents worked hard to ensure that we were not grouped as a unit; in their minds, the fact that we shared a womb had no bearing on our ability to act and be treated as individual people. And it doesn’t. Whether it was pure luck or my mom’s greatest intentional gift to us (as she will claim), the fact that my sister was born before midnight and I was born after has profoundly impacted the course of our lives. Our separate birthdays have infused a sense of individuality into both of us from the very beginning, allowing us to retain our own identities. Yes, we are twins, but we aren’t “the twins.” We are Julia and Rebecca. It only made sense that when the first days of school approached, my parents continued this arrangement.

Parents of twins have a choice: place their twins in the same classes or separate them. Naturally, my parents elected to separate us, placing us in different classrooms in which to grow and learn independently of the other. Although one of the built-in perks of having a twin is never needing to face a new situation alone, our parents wanted to provide us with the space to become our own people. I am so grateful for that. As we enter our senior year and reflect on our time as students, people, and twin sisters, it has never been more apparent how much of a gift that decision has been. Thank you mom and dad.

Growing up as twins, Rebecca and I have experienced most of our milestones and achievements together, from first days of school and first days of camp, to becoming bat mitzvahs and getting our driver’s licenses. In many cases, the memories I lay claim to also belong to her, with our shared experiences outnumbering our individual ones. But when it comes to school, most of my memories belong solely to me, as our separate educational paths have rarely collided. We always had different teachers, we were always in different classes, and we were always happy that way. As twins, we have spent nearly 18 full years side-by-side, growing up in rooms next to each other, spending the summers in the same bunk at camp, coming home to the same house, and so on. Despite our love for each other, that is a lot of time to spend with one person. Going to school each day allowed us to spend healthy time apart, providing us with a place to be our own people (albeit in the same building). In fact, school is the only place where our individual memories, experiences, and stories outnumber our shared ones.

Spending our days separately and pursuing our educations independently of the other, my sister and I have been able to learn, grow, and prosper in our own unique ways. That time apart, that time to explore who we are without the influence of the other twin, has been essential in shaping the people we have become. For my sister and me, being twins has always meant going through life as our own people, just doing it next to each other. But as college approaches and my sister and I face being separated by a greater distance than just our bedroom wall, we are confronted with the reality that we must continue our lives as our own people, but not side-by-side. For the first time in our entire lives, not only will our educational careers be separate, but our entire lives will be separate.

For the first time in our entire lives, we will not be together.

As we tour colleges, write applications, and begin our last year of living together in the same home, I cannot help but wonder how different our lives are going to be without having the other twin a shouting distance away. Even though Rebecca and I have very different personalities and interests, even though we were happy to be in separate classes, even though we are both ready for this change, it is going to be a shock to live without her. I have never known life without my twin sister, and I know that I will have to cope with a Rebecca-shaped hole in my life. It feels like yesterday that we were walking off of the bus together after our first day of kindergarten, and now we are seniors in high school preparing to live our lives as independent people in college. While it feels surreal that time has passed so quickly, I am eased by the knowledge that my twin sister is experiencing these changes with me, even if she is not residing in the bedroom next door.

As we approach this new and exciting time in our lives, I realize that this is the first chapter of my story that will not feature my twin sister as a main character. But Rebecca, as we continue to write our narratives and live our lives, I want you to know that I am me because of you. You will always be an important part of my story, because you are an important part of me.

From Cabin Fever to Spring Fever

by

Woman Discovers What Kind of Chair She is

By Janine Crowley Haynes

Ah…spring is finally here, but there’s no denying it was one heck of a cold and lonely winter. However, with the help of social media, I survived. Uploading TGIF photos of my dog wearing a Hawaiian lei propped up by a pink mai tai helped to temper my cabin fever. Also, I took up coloring again…as in…coloring in a coloring book. It’s only the first paragraph, so please don’t judge me quite yet.

I know I was not alone in my innocuous endeavors to maintain sanity. Last winter, I noticed a strong uptick of social media postings of crazy cat videos and unlikely interspecies alliances. The Youtube video of the cockatoo feeding individual strands of spaghetti to his canine companion is, not only adorbs, but a metaphorical template for ending world hunger. Also, tagging and sharing anything wine-related was considered a lifesaving ritual that friends did for one another. You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy wine was more than just a platitude; it was a public service announcement for the online adult community. I discovered that the Roman god of wine, Bacchus, is alive, well, and on the internet engineering kitchen faucets flowing with fruity, full-bodied pinot noirs. Now there’s a jobs program. We can build it. We have the technology. Let’s get to work, America.

But nothing kept away my winter blues quite like sipping and clicking. That is, sipping hot cocoa and clicking on the latest online quiz. My index finger robotically clicked on teasers like Let’s Play! and Take this Quiz!.…I mean, come on, who doesn’t want to know what kind of dog they’d be? Most of my friends are golden retrievers and German shepherds. I happen to be a husky, playful but tends to disappear for days at a time. Days is an understatement–I disappeared for an entire winter. I burrowed beneath the frozen layers of snow and nestled warmly in the cyber bosom of self-discovery. I suckled on the teet of BuzzFeed and PlayBuzz quizzes till my belly was full and my mind ripe with fantastical notions of who I really am.

Who knew the definition of an alternative lifestyle could be extended to life as an inanimate object? Isn’t everyone just the slightest bit curious about what piece of furniture they’d be? I’m an upholstered wingback armchair. Translation: I’m comfortably sophisticated and often found next to fireplaces. This is how I project myself in the world. It pleases me to know I’m not a beer-stained barcalounger with mystery meat rotting beneath my cushions, begging the question, “Dude, what’s that smell?” Ahem…FYI, I’ve been tested and actually smell like lavender which makes people feel relaxed in my presence. This is consistent with my purple aura results. Defining myself by my hue is not shallow–it’s cool and pairs nicely with my hippie name, Blossom, and my musical note, G.

Interestingly, from the countless hours of quiz taking, a pattern definitely emerged. A pattern of relaxed 
sophistication, and I’m comfortable with that label. Speaking of labels, PlayBuzz told me if I were a suit, I’d be Jennifer Aniston’s Gucci scarlet red tuxedo–shirt optional. This is serendipitous because I also got Rachel in Which Friends Character Are You? quiz…and…and…I scored Bradley Cooper as a celebrity husband, who was Jen’s onscreen hubby in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You….Crazy, right? Not me, silly, my results. Coincidence? I think not. Jen and I are practically twins.

Sure, I could’ve spent the winter baking decadent red velvet cupcakes, which PlayBuzz reveals is my confectionery makeup, but nothing fed my soul quite like esteem-building scrumptious morsels of self-discovery. The brilliance of these quizzes is that you can never really be wrong, only alike or unalike from your friends’ results. For example, invisibility and flying–both awesome superpowers, just different. Cinderella and Elsa–equally respectable Disney princesses, just different journeys.

So, I’d say this winter, albeit long, was kind of a productive cerebral season for me. I’ve come away with plenty of insights, at least, enough to write this bizarro essay. Now that it’s spring, I can head back into the woods for my daily walks fully aware of what kind of woodland creature I’d be. After reading this, you might be thinking I’m a real piece of work, and you’d be correct. I happen to be the famous painting At the Moulin Rouge because, like Toulouse-Lautrec, I seek out alternative crowds and, apparently, alternative thinking. What piece of work are you? Go to PlayBuzz and take the quiz!  

Janine Crowley Haynes is the author of My Kind of Crazy–Living in a Bipolar World.