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Jodi Baretz

Local Experts Share Strategies for Being Happy in your Relationship

April 24, 2023 by Alexa Troob

With 40-50% of marriages in the United States ending in divorce, it makes one wonder about the reason for that shockingly high statistic, and what can be done to keep a marriage happy and healthy.

Michelle Obama’s book The Light We Carry focuses on navigating relationships, sharing what she has learned from her own marriage. In an interview with National Public Radio, she continuously highlights that all marriages take work. She refutes the common philosophy that a marriage should be 50/50 at all times. Instead, emphasizing that at any given moment, it is more than likely that one person will be giving more. Over time, these compromises should go both ways, but it is unrealistic to expect an equal share of work to be a constant. Michelle Obama’s vulnerability opens the discussion of what a genuine long-term marriage looks like and what skills are vital in preserving a healthy relationship. She fears that by avoiding this discussion, it causes people to bolt the instant they face a period of discomfort. So, let’s talk about it. Because a marriage can never be perfect, but there are mindset shifts, skills, and tools that can be utilized to try and help make it work.

Cartoons by Michael Gyory

Jane Winfield, a clinical social worker at Repose, which has recently opened an office in Pleasantville, shared her insights on how a happy marriage can be sustained. First, she shared the importance of not running from conflict, and letting go the common misconception that anger is a negative emotion. In reality, anger is inevitable, so avoiding it will only increase tension.

“Healthy and happy couples are just as likely to get angry at each other. It’s more about what we do with anger. Are we able to remain respectful, supportive, and loving? Are we able to maintain our closeness and intimacy even if we’re angry?”

And when anger and conflict do arise, which they will, Winfield highlighted that it is not about “looking at the content of the conflict as much as the process of it. So, it’s not about what we are arguing about; what’s more important is how are we arguing. Are we arguing in ways that are gentle, that are respectful, and that make our partner feel heard and seen?”

Winfield also often recommends that each member of a relationship should see their own individual therapist before embarking too deeply in couples’ therapy. In individual therapy, couples can explore how their own past is bleeding into their current relationship. For example, they will examine the types of conflict they experienced in their own households as “people have often learned a lot of unhealthy communication patterns growing up.” By examining old wounds from past relationships, it helps each individual heal so that “those wounds don’t just keep getting replicated in the present.”

Sharon Okun, life coach and energy healer in Armonk, also spoke of the importance of caring for yourself “to more effectively show up in your relationships.” Okun “helps people calm down, get centered, and be present in their bodies.” When we slow down, breathe, and try to find little moments of joy throughout our days, we are happier, calmer, and less irritable. If we don’t take the time to assess our own emotions, we are likely to take something personal out on our partner before we have even had the ability to process it. By teaching people how to get grounded, Okun therefore helps them be calmer in their relationships as well. After all, we must be able to show up for ourselves before we have the capacity to show up for someone else.

Perhaps a bottom line is that to have a happy and healthy relationship with another person, one must also have a happy and healthy relationship within themselves. Jodi Baretz, a psychotherapist and mindset and relationship coach in Chappaqua, says that it is vital that each partner maintains their individuality and personal life for a marriage to be sustainable. “When you rely too much on the other person it puts too much pressure on them. You need to have your own friends and your own life because one person can’t be everything to you,” explained Baretz. She provided the example that if you really enjoy traveling, but your partner does not, you can find a friend to travel with rather than either forcing your partner to go with you or abandoning your passions–both of which would only lead to resentment for the other person.

Baretz also suggests prioritizing making time for each other and having fun together: “It’s not just about the to-do lists and the kids. “Try doing an activity together where you laugh together and just have fun,” she said. And this may require a couple to expand their horizons past a dinner date, and rather try something new and exciting.

Baretz also spoke on the importance of acceptance of the other person. She often finds people coming to her complaining about their partner and how they wish that they would change. Trying to change someone else to be happy in the relationship is most often unachievable–and will only build resentment. Baretz explained that “true power isn’t controlling the other person, but being able to control your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.” If we focus on what we can control, like how we respond to the other person, it can in turn shift their behavior.

Indeed, when we stop fixating on someone’s flaws, it also allows us to truly listen to what they are saying. Throughout Baretz’s experience helping people with their marriages, she has found that a common theme amongst struggling couples is someone not feeling heard, or seen. She shares that “one of the quickest ways to get a relationship back on track is to really acknowledge, appreciate, and validate the other person.” And the only way to make your partner feel heard, is to genuinely listen, and more importantly, to listen without becoming defensive. Rather than rushing to justify your actions when your partner talks about how what you do is making them feel, accept that the behavior you are being accused of is probably not something that they are making up out of thin air. When we take our ego out of the equation, an argument with a partner can be productive, serving as a clue as to why the relationship is having issues.

When you check your own behavior, you can evaluate how you can be a better partner before placing blame on the other person for the relationship’s faults. Baretz advises that anyone in a marriage should ask themselves: “would you want to be married to you?”

About our cartoonist: Michael Gyory is the third of three only children reared in the idyllic woods of Katonah. He graduated from John Jay High School and holds a Master’s degree in Communication from U. Penn. He is the son of Hungarian survivors and proudly serves as Chair of the Holocaust and Human Rights Education Center. Michael currently lives in Irvington, and has one son who, he says, is a much better artist.

Filed Under: Cover Stories Tagged With: Better Relationships, Happy Marriages, Jane Winfield, Jodi Baretz, Navigating Relationships, Repose, Sharon Okun

Becoming Mindful Through the Challenges of COVID-19

April 20, 2020 by Inside Press

By Sabra Staudenmaier

 “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven.” –John Milton

Jodi Baretz (right) & Sabra Staudenmaier (left) representing the Mindful Moms at a local event this past winter.

 So, what is mindfulness, anyway?

Mindfulness starts with slowing down, and paying attention to the present moment. The goal is to calmly acknowledge and accept one’s feelings, thoughts and body sensations. They say if your thoughts are stuck in the past you will suffer from depression. If they are racing around in the future, you will have anxiety. It’s all about bringing your brain into the now. Yes, COVID-19 has turned our world upside down, but mindfulness can help us regulate our thoughts and ease our racing mind. Peace, my friends, can be found in the here and now. If we are able to remind ourselves “I am safe today. I am ok today.” We can get through this with more serenity.

Sounds good…but how exactly do I practice mindfulness?

Come into the present moment on purpose. Find a nice, quiet and calm place to sit. Start noticing your breath. Yay! You’ve started meditating! During meditation, we strengthen the “muscle” of the mind. When we focus on something in the present, like our breath, our mind will inevitably start to wonder to the thoughts that we cannot control. This is normal. Once we realize that our mind has drifted, we can bring our attention back to the present. In doing this we have completed a “rep” of building the muscle of the mind. If we do this often enough, just as if we lift a weight often enough then the muscle in our body will strengthen, the muscle of our mind also strengthens. When we fortify the muscle of the mind, we can direct attention purposefully and use conscious awareness with more competency. This is what it means to be “mindful’. We can be attentive to and aware of our mind rather than living unconsciously in patterns that don’t serve us. This is a skill, like riding a bicycle, which improves with practice.

“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment non-judgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment to moment.” – Jon Kabat-Zinn

 I’m struggling to make sense of current circumstances

Mindfulness advocates acceptance of what is happening in the moment without trying to change it. It is tempting to try to avoid unpleasant feelings but we are human beings and as such are meant to experience the full range of human emotions -happiness, sadness, joy, loss, ease and suffering. The human experience is not meant to be easy or perfect and it’s ok if it’s not pretty. Arguing with what is creates unnecessary stress.

We cannot change the fact that this pandemic happened. Instead of resisting it, lean into it. What can we learn from this as a country? What can we learn from this personally? What will we take with us when this is done? Can this be part of our personal evolution? Mindfulness is about perception. It’s about how you choose to look at things.

“Rather than being disheartened by the uncertainty of life, what if we accepted it and relaxed into it? What if we said Yes, this is the way it is: this is what it means to be human, and decided to sit down and enjoy the ride?” – Pema Chodron

Embracing the less-than-perfect

One of my favorite parts of mindfulness is the notion of embracing imperfection. After all, to be human is to be imperfect. This doctrine is coming in very handy these days as my laundry piles up, dessert becomes breakfast and makeup fades into a luxury of the past. Using boxed hair dye is not the same as going to a professional salon, but, in the grand scheme of things, it’s good enough.

“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.” – Brene Brown

The Beginner’s Mind

The beginner’s mind is the Buddhist concept of approaching something without preconceived notions. When we get back to our old way of life, we will be much more adept at doing this (for a time anyway). We will eat at a restaurant, go to the gym, spend time with groups of friends as if it was for the first time. We will have a renewed sense of appreciation, a comforting and hopeful prospect from a “beginner’s mind” perspective.

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, in the expert’s mind there are few” – Shunryu Suzuki

My Journey to Mindfulness

We can’t change our circumstances, but we can change our thoughts about them. Every so often something happens that shakes us and can wake us up. Ten years ago, my oldest son was diagnosed with Celiac Disease. I struggled to wrap my head around the changes needed to live with this diagnosis. My son’s doctor referred me to Jodi Baretz, a local psychotherapist with a specialty in mindfulness and health coaching. Not only did I learn how to mindfully manage my son’s new diet, but I was introduced to a whole new world. I realized that I had been living unconsciously, thinking by default and using old coping mechanisms that were no longer serving me. When I learned about mindfulness, everything changed. It was an awakening. This new way of thinking made future challenges easier to deal with, and gave me a joy and appreciation for life I had previously only imagined.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves” – Viktor Frankl

The Mindful Moms

Jodi continues to be my life coach; having her support has proven invaluable. A few years ago, we began collaborating. We wanted to help others improve their quality of life through mindfulness. The result has been the development of a community of “Mindful Moms.” Individually, and through groups, we work together to support others on their personal mindfulness journeys (www.mindfulmomsgroup.com). Free zoom support calls, such as “Namaste in Bed” and “Meditation and Cocktails or Tea”, are being offered to support the community in this time of need and can be accessed via the Mindful Moms Facebook page.

When I asked Jodi what her advice was on dealing with this quarantine, she said, “Do what you can to stay safe, be there for others and be kind to yourself but let go of what you cannot control. It’s normal to have good and bad days, try and ride the wave and remember these experiences, just like your emotions, are temporary.” 

Covid-19 has shaken the world on a macro level. When circumstances shift, where do we go to find stability? Perhaps the answers lie in an unexpected place; conceivably navigating this new reality lies not in the world around us but rather within.  If ever there was a time to take charge of one’s mind and thoughts, that time has arrived.

Just like we can decide how to attend to our body with food and exercise – we can also manage our minds. With a managed mind, when circumstances change and stress arises, like the tsunami of stress Covid-19 has brought – we have tools to help make sense of it. We can think consciously and use deliberate thoughts to act with awareness. We live in the physical world, but we also live in our heads. It’s worthwhile to make both a pleasant place to be.

Sabra Staudenmaier became interested in thought management while majoring in Philosophy at Tufts University. She is the program director for the Mindful Moms Inner Circle Group and helps facilitate two Facebook Groups: @Mindful Moms www.facebook.com/groups/mindfulmoms and @Mindful Parents of New York www.facebook.com/groups/MindfulParentsofNY. She is currently training to become a life coach.

This article is a sponsored feature of The Mindful Moms Group. 

Filed Under: Surviving COVID-19 Tagged With: Breath, Circumstances, coaching, Feelngs, Human Emotions, Jodi Baretz, Life Coach, Mindful, Mindful Moms, Mindfulness, Normal, Practice, Present, Sabra Staudenmaier, Safe, Thought Management, thoughts, Uncertainty

Mindful Moms Lakeside Meditation Series Continues this Summer

April 18, 2019 by Sabra Staudenmaier

At the end of a dirt path hidden on an ordinary street in Millwood there is a stretch of sand that leads to a small private lake. Every few weeks throughout the summer months this becomes the location where a group of mindful moms take their meditation practice outdoors. The beach is quaint, the lake reflects the trees, sky and clouds; the sun shimmers and sparkles over the surface of the water. It is the ideal setting to bask in the present moment.

Jodi Baretz, a mindfulness-based psychotherapist and holistic health coach, and author of the Amazon best-selling book Mindful is the New Skinny, has made it her life’s work to help people maximize joy through meditation and other mindfulness techniques. For almost a decade, she has worked to help clients with stress, food issues and relationship problems so they can feel and look their best. She offers individual therapy and coaching through The Center for Health and Healing in Mt Kisco and has pioneered several successful mindful mom’s programs, including her new program: “Club Mindful – A Gym for the Mind”.  Baretz developed the summer lake meditation series several years ago and it has grown to become a highlight on the calendars within the local mindfulness community.

“There are so many benefits to practicing mindfulness. I have become a better partner, mother and friend. I have always found water to be so calming so the lake meditations have been a wonderful addition to my mindfulness practice.” says mindful mom, Tamara Leopold from Armonk.

Inspired by the beauty and peacefulness of the private lake as well as Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) founder Jon Kabat-Zinn’s well-known lake meditation, Baretz facilitates her outdoor meditation program surrounded by nature’s beauty. All that is needed to participate is a towel, a bottle of water and the desire to destress. Sitting on the lake’s beach with legs crossed, eyes closed the sunshine can be soaked up. The winter is long and opportunities like this are rare and valuable.

The image of the lake evokes peace and tranquility. We are reminded that there is something larger than ourselves which allows us to find humility in the grand beauty of nature. Zinn’s meditation offers an awareness of what the lake can teach us symbolically; “carrying a vast reservoir of mindfulness within your heart, we can be the lake in silence.”

Baretz has been known to incorporate a variety of meditations into her lake series. Sometimes there is a walking meditation or a body scan meditation. She often reads inspirational parables that encourage the mindfulness practices of living in the present, practicing non-judgment, compassion and gratitude. Regardless of what form the experience takes it is a relaxing way to spend an hour doing something most people don’t get enough of. It is a time to restore and appreciate the beauty and goodness of life.

Baretz feels that “meditation takes on a whole new level when you’re outside in nature. You are able to immerse yourself and pay attention to the beauty that you normally miss by being busy.”

More information on the lake meditation series and other mindfulness programs can be found at jodibaretz.com

Filed Under: Lifestyles with our Sponsors Tagged With: Jodi Baretz, Lakeside Meditation, meditation, Mindful Moms, scenic

The Joy of Gratitude

October 25, 2018 by Jodi Baretz, LCSW, CHHC

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Wayne Dyer

“Instead of always searching and grasping for more, gratitude allows us to appreciate what we have now. Cultivating joy requires building the gratitude muscle as part of our daily and weekly workouts. Only in this rep-set, we ditch the wishing, complaining and striving, and refocus on noticing what is going well in our lives right now, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.

Learning to be grateful for life’s simple pleasures can certainly improve your mood and perception of life. I recall a day when my kids were small and I was taking them to get haircuts. Once in the car, my two adorable, precious children proceeded to fight like two alley cats in a scrap yard. As I drove along and listened to this free-for-all in the back seat, I would occasionally interrupt with a “Stop it!” or “Enough already!” When that didn’t seem to be effective, I started to get annoyed and then, for some reason, amidst all the noise and frustration, I just gave up.

As the boys continued to yell and exchange insults at each other, my mood turned from annoyance to amusement. It struck me that these two little boys were not going to be young forever, and I realized how lucky I was to have these daily moments with them, no matter how stressful. This total re-frame of the situation filled me with gratitude and the rest of our outing was not just tolerable, it was fun.

Gratitude brings us joy and turns what we already have into enough. Instead of striving for the next goal to bring you happiness, appreciate where you are right now. If it’s not your ideal place, remember that it’s just one chapter in your life’s story. Everything is temporary, for better or worse. Once you catch the gratitude bug, it replicates itself and even more joy streams into your life.”

Excerpt from Jodi Baretz’ Amazon best-selling book, Mindful Is the New Skinny. Jodi offers individual psychotherapy and mindful mom groups at The Center for Health and Healing in Mount Kisco. Visit jodibaretz.com.

Filed Under: Health and Wellness with our Sponsors Tagged With: Gratitude, Jodi Baretz, Joy, Mindful is the New Skinny, Mindfulness, Simple Pleasures

A Transformational Journey

July 17, 2018 by Inside Press

Jodi Baretz, author of the new ‘Mindful is the New Skinny,’ shared her personal growth experiences at the Chappaqua Library

By Amanda Kraus

Earlier this summer, I sat among an excited, eager crowd in the Chappaqua Library’s auditorium to listen to Jodi Baretz, psychotherapist, health coach, and author, speak about her new book, Mindful is the New Skinny: 10 Transformational Steps to a Lighter You Inside and Out. Baretz discussed the book itself as well as her personal experiences that compelled her to write it, in which she transformed “Junkfood Jodi” to “Baretz for carrots.”

Baretz began her talk with silence; she had the audience try a short meditation so that we could understand how she started her own transformational journey with mindfulness, except the first time she meditated at the Omega Institute five years ago, it was for forty-five minutes.

For Baretz, this was a torturous experience, and she wasn’t afraid to vocalize this–in fact, about half of the group felt the same way. However, over the following five days, the meditations became easier the more she practiced. Baretz explained that meditation isn’t effortless and that it requires focus. Meditation is a brain exercise by which one must acknowledge the thoughts that clutter one’s mind, and let them drift away, focusing purely on the breath.

Much like meditation, mindfulness is being able to feel and process one’s emotions in order to let them go, rather than immediately pushing them away. Baretz explained that we need to be able to deal with being uncomfortable rather than avoiding it altogether.

As a child, Baretz was a terrible eater, leading her to acquire the nickname “Junkfood Jodi.” Her diagnosis of celiac disease in 2003 triggered her transformational journey with food and nutrition, as well as mindfulness and well-being. In 2003, Baretz explained, people didn’t really know what celiac disease was, and gluten-free diets weren’t very common.

As a social worker, Baretz tried to help others with their own gluten-free eating, but soon realized that she knew nothing about nutrition. In 2010 she attended the Institute for Integrative Nutrition where she learned about the mind-body connection, and was exposed to spirituality. For Baretz, being spiritual is a holistic approach to healthy living and being while keeping up with our fast-paced lifestyles and society.

In order to portray this philosophy to others, she decided to write her book, Mindful is the New Skinny: 10 Transformational Steps to a Lighter You Inside and Out. Although Baretz discusses healthy eating and nutrition in her book, she uses the word skinny as a metaphor for perfection — external, unsustainable, and never good enough. Instead of striving for skinny, Baretz encourages being mindful, which entails accepting imperfections and the present moment. Even though the manuscript only took three months for her to write, Baretz hit a mental roadblock, dwelling in the very anxiety, stress, and frustration that she was writing about. She took a short break, acknowledged this, and started writing again with a new mindset.

Much like her book-writing process, Baretz helps women on their nutritional journeys by redirecting their focus from losing weight by dieting to mindful eating and living, which is sustainable and effective. In today’s society, social medias omnipresent and overwhelming influence fosters perfection, stress, and anxiety, mindfulness is more important than ever. “Mindfulness,” said Baretz “is the antidote.” And she’s right. Meditation is being extensively studied medically, and has been proven to affect the brain. Meditation and mindfulness make us more productive, as they allow our minds to reboot and recover from our daily stresses and tribulations. In a sentence, Baretz’s book is all about “Nourishing the inside so you can change the outside.”

Jodi is also a psychotherapist at The Center for Health and Healing in Mt. Kisco. Her book is available on Amazon and at Scattered Books in Chapapqua. Visit http://www.jodibaretz.com for more information about her various programs and events, including her mindfulness bootcamp, her meditation sessions, and speaking engagements.

Inside Press summer intern Amanda Kraus is a rising senior at Tulane University.

Filed Under: New Castle News Tagged With: Breath, celiac disease, Chappaqua library, Jodi Baretz, journey, meditation, Mindful is the New Skinny, Mindfulness, Personal Growth

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