Life Coach

My Journey of Transition

February 18, 2021 by Marnie Levy-Smith

“This spring, make a promise to yourself to get outside, breathe in the fresh air, take a nice walk with someone you love–and make a list of your hopes and dreams.”
– Marnie Levy

Do you ever think about what your life really means? Do you observe your friends, neighbors, celebrities and people in the media and wonder what got them to where they are today? The truth is: we all have a story. Our stories are made up of the days and events of our lives and the interpretations of those memories. My story is quite simple. I grew up in Bayside, Queens as an only child. My parents divorced when I was six and I was raised primarily by my visually impaired mother and maternal grandmother. My father was in and out of my life as a child as he struggled with addiction, finally getting sober when I entered college. Despite the challenges, my optimism was a superpower from early on. I loved my friends, my extended family, my summer camp experiences, my teachers and on a whole, I enjoyed my childhood. I was content and I followed the path that was laid out for me to graduate high school, attend college, get a job, get married and have children. It wasn’t until I became an adult and tragedy struck my life that I realized I had been living by default.

When I was 36 years old, a suburban wife and the mother of a 7-year-old boy and 3-year-old girl, my entire world was turned upside down. I received a phone call that my husband had died and from that point on, nothing would ever be the same. When death is unexpected you do not grieve right away. For me, my initial reaction was to protect and shelter my children. I kept us busy and distracted all the while honoring and keeping Eric with us. My journey of transition from a former teacher turned stay at home mom turned widow happened in a flash. My next journey–to transition myself into a career woman who could financially, physically and mentally care for myself and my children–well, that took time and a lot of hard work. The rebirth and renewal that I experienced over the next few years was a choice. I chose to not let Eric’s passing define me or my children. I made a promise to my children and myself to live and love as best as I could despite our loss.

Today, almost seven years after we lost Eric, I can proudly say that I have once again found love. I have a partner that loves my children like he is their biological father. Because of Mark, I have two intelligent and beautiful bonus children that my kids and I adore. For the last five years I have been a part of the Breezemont Day Camp Leadership team as one of the directors, and this year, I fulfilled my dream of becoming a certified life coach specializing in helping people get unstuck, feel less overwhelmed and deal with life transitions, as I did myself.

Life is full of twists and turns. I believe that the past is gone, the future is unknown, and the present is our gift. This spring, make a promise to yourself to get outside, breathe in the fresh air, take a nice walk with someone you love, and make a list of your hopes and dreams. The next step is to make small, achievable goals and ask for help when you want accountability and insight. Remember life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal with it. Every day you have the chance to take back control and create a life that you love.

Happy Spring!

Marnie Levy’s Self Care Advice

Self care is a term that is used so often, but can also be a source of frustration and confusion. Friends have told me that to them, self care is merely brushing your teeth and combing your hair and they have questioned the reason why this seems to be such a buzzword. Others believe that true self care needs to cost an arm and a leg and will take too much time. The reality is that you can’t open a magazine or scroll through Instagram without hearing about self care. Everyone has an opinion about what to do to take more care of yourself. All of this can be overwhelming so human nature often tells us to just forget all about it.

The definition of self care from the Oxford dictionary is: The practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health. The practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.

If self care has ever felt unattainable, costly or time consuming, the good news is it doesn’t have to be any of those things. Here are four (and even no cost!) ways to take care of yourself which can make you happier, calmer and give you more energy.

#1 SET HEALTHY BOUNADRIES

Are you a yes person? If you have a hard time saying no, you might have a hard time with boundaries. Often times, the more we say yes to other people, commitments and responsibilities, the more we are saying no to ourselves. This can be especially hard when it comes to loved ones, friends and employers. The problem is when some of these asks drain you of time and energy you end up being exhausted and unfulfilled. The shift here can be to choose wisely. Take some time before you commit to others. Think things through and decide if your choice will serve you or hurt you. Some things are mandatory when it comes to work or family but make sure that what you are saying yes to can be accomplished in a fair and realistic time frame. Have patience and foresight to decide before you commit to others.

#2 YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO IT ALONE

A key to taking care of yourself is understanding when you need help. For some people, asking for help is a sign of weakness or vulnerability so we avoid it. The problem with this is that it can lead to burnout, stressing out and failure. It is human to need support. I often say that life coaching is like having a personal trainer for your brain. Personal training is the same for your body. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of self preservation. Most of the time other people can give us a new perspective and motivation we might not gain on our own.

#3 TAKE A TECH BREAK

You might not realize how much time you spend on your devices. The endless scrolling on social media, electronic games, computers, television can consume most of your day. Have you ever figured out how many hours you spend in front of a screen? Are there other activities that you can do without a screen in front of your face? Constant screen time can negatively affect your eyes, your posture, your wrists and hands and your brain. Can you commit to less screen time? Perhaps first thing in the morning or before bed? Choosing other activities, like maybe getting some fresh air, can help us in many ways. This is especially important in the winter months when we are stuck inside. Along with the calming effects of the outdoors on your body, you can also get natural vitamin D, physical movement and a better connection with nature.

#4 GET SOME REST

Giving yourself the gift of sleep is the best thing that you can do to set yourself up for a good day ahead. When we sleep, our body has time to repair and recover. The easiest thing to do is think about the time you would realistically like to go to bed and the time you end up turning in and find a middle ground. Slowly create a sleep routine that will help your mind and body prepare for a restful night. Getting a good night sleep can have great benefits for your life.

Hopefully the self care strategies in this article can help you to begin caring for your mind, body and soul. There is no better time to start than now. – Marnie Levy

Becoming Mindful Through the Challenges of COVID-19

April 20, 2020 by Inside Press

By Sabra Staudenmaier

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven.” –John Milton

Jodi Baretz (right) & Sabra Staudenmaier (left) representing the Mindful Moms at a local event this past winter.

So, what is mindfulness, anyway?

Mindfulness starts with slowing down, and paying attention to the present moment. The goal is to calmly acknowledge and accept one’s feelings, thoughts and body sensations. They say if your thoughts are stuck in the past you will suffer from depression. If they are racing around in the future, you will have anxiety. It’s all about bringing your brain into the now. Yes, COVID-19 has turned our world upside down, but mindfulness can help us regulate our thoughts and ease our racing mind. Peace, my friends, can be found in the here and now. If we are able to remind ourselves “I am safe today. I am ok today.” We can get through this with more serenity.

Sounds good…but how exactly do I practice mindfulness?

Come into the present moment on purpose. Find a nice, quiet and calm place to sit. Start noticing your breath. Yay! You’ve started meditating! During meditation, we strengthen the “muscle” of the mind. When we focus on something in the present, like our breath, our mind will inevitably start to wonder to the thoughts that we cannot control. This is normal. Once we realize that our mind has drifted, we can bring our attention back to the present. In doing this we have completed a “rep” of building the muscle of the mind. If we do this often enough, just as if we lift a weight often enough then the muscle in our body will strengthen, the muscle of our mind also strengthens. When we fortify the muscle of the mind, we can direct attention purposefully and use conscious awareness with more competency. This is what it means to be “mindful’. We can be attentive to and aware of our mind rather than living unconsciously in patterns that don’t serve us. This is a skill, like riding a bicycle, which improves with practice.

“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment non-judgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment to moment.” – Jon Kabat-Zinn

I’m struggling to make sense of current circumstances

Mindfulness advocates acceptance of what is happening in the moment without trying to change it. It is tempting to try to avoid unpleasant feelings but we are human beings and as such are meant to experience the full range of human emotions -happiness, sadness, joy, loss, ease and suffering. The human experience is not meant to be easy or perfect and it’s ok if it’s not pretty. Arguing with what is creates unnecessary stress.

We cannot change the fact that this pandemic happened. Instead of resisting it, lean into it. What can we learn from this as a country? What can we learn from this personally? What will we take with us when this is done? Can this be part of our personal evolution? Mindfulness is about perception. It’s about how you choose to look at things.

“Rather than being disheartened by the uncertainty of life, what if we accepted it and relaxed into it? What if we said Yes, this is the way it is: this is what it means to be human, and decided to sit down and enjoy the ride?” – Pema Chodron

Embracing the less-than-perfect

One of my favorite parts of mindfulness is the notion of embracing imperfection. After all, to be human is to be imperfect. This doctrine is coming in very handy these days as my laundry piles up, dessert becomes breakfast and makeup fades into a luxury of the past. Using boxed hair dye is not the same as going to a professional salon, but, in the grand scheme of things, it’s good enough.

“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.” – Brene Brown

The Beginner’s Mind

The beginner’s mind is the Buddhist concept of approaching something without preconceived notions. When we get back to our old way of life, we will be much more adept at doing this (for a time anyway). We will eat at a restaurant, go to the gym, spend time with groups of friends as if it was for the first time. We will have a renewed sense of appreciation, a comforting and hopeful prospect from a “beginner’s mind” perspective.

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, in the expert’s mind there are few” – Shunryu Suzuki

My Journey to Mindfulness

We can’t change our circumstances, but we can change our thoughts about them. Every so often something happens that shakes us and can wake us up. Ten years ago, my oldest son was diagnosed with Celiac Disease. I struggled to wrap my head around the changes needed to live with this diagnosis. My son’s doctor referred me to Jodi Baretz, a local psychotherapist with a specialty in mindfulness and health coaching. Not only did I learn how to mindfully manage my son’s new diet, but I was introduced to a whole new world. I realized that I had been living unconsciously, thinking by default and using old coping mechanisms that were no longer serving me. When I learned about mindfulness, everything changed. It was an awakening. This new way of thinking made future challenges easier to deal with, and gave me a joy and appreciation for life I had previously only imagined.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves” – Viktor Frankl

The Mindful Moms

Jodi continues to be my life coach; having her support has proven invaluable. A few years ago, we began collaborating. We wanted to help others improve their quality of life through mindfulness. The result has been the development of a community of “Mindful Moms.” Individually, and through groups, we work together to support others on their personal mindfulness journeys (www.mindfulmomsgroup.com). Free zoom support calls, such as “Namaste in Bed” and “Meditation and Cocktails or Tea”, are being offered to support the community in this time of need and can be accessed via the Mindful Moms Facebook page.

When I asked Jodi what her advice was on dealing with this quarantine, she said, “Do what you can to stay safe, be there for others and be kind to yourself but let go of what you cannot control. It’s normal to have good and bad days, try and ride the wave and remember these experiences, just like your emotions, are temporary.”

Covid-19 has shaken the world on a macro level. When circumstances shift, where do we go to find stability? Perhaps the answers lie in an unexpected place; conceivably navigating this new reality lies not in the world around us but rather within. If ever there was a time to take charge of one’s mind and thoughts, that time has arrived.

Just like we can decide how to attend to our body with food and exercise – we can also manage our minds. With a managed mind, when circumstances change and stress arises, like the tsunami of stress Covid-19 has brought – we have tools to help make sense of it. We can think consciously and use deliberate thoughts to act with awareness. We live in the physical world, but we also live in our heads. It’s worthwhile to make both a pleasant place to be.

Sabra Staudenmaier became interested in thought management while majoring in Philosophy at Tufts University. She is the program director for the Mindful Moms Inner Circle Group and helps facilitate two Facebook Groups: @Mindful Moms www.facebook.com/groups/mindfulmoms and @Mindful Parents of New York www.facebook.com/groups/MindfulParentsofNY. She is currently training to become a life coach.

This article is a sponsored feature of The Mindful Moms Group.

In Remembrance of Deborah Shimer

July 30, 2018 by Inside Press

In Loving Memoriam

By David Shimer

Remembered as insightful, selfless and supportive, Deborah Shimer—a professional life coach and a decades-long Chappaqua resident—died of cancer on June 29, 2018. She was 54 years old.

Deborah was born in London to Geoffrey and Barbara Nelson on October 2, 1963. In 1979, she moved to New Jersey with her mother and sisters, Margaret and Hilary, eventually becoming a United States citizen.

After graduating from West Windsor High School in 1981, Deborah attended the Katherine Gibbs School in New York and went on to work for Tishman Brothers, a Manhattan-based real estate company, first as executive secretary and then as an assistant project manager.

Deborah moved to Chappaqua in 1989 with her first husband, Robert Fischman. Together, they raised three children: Josh, Zachary and Leandra.

“She always encouraged me and my siblings to do what felt right for us, without judgment, and we were so lucky for that,” Zachary said. “Above all, she taught us to keep an open mind and to do what made us happy.”

Deborah and Robert later divorced, and, in 2013, she married Sam Shimer, also a Chappaqua resident. The couple moved to St. Petersburg, Florida last year.

“She was the kindest, most caring and most loving person I have ever known,” Sam said. “She never compromised—not in our relationship, or in any of her relationships. She always worked to make her life, and our life, better, and she truly wanted everyone she cared about to be happy and fulfilled.”

Friends say Deborah always prioritized the feelings, interests and desires of others above her own.

A few years ago, when Deborah found out that one of her friends, Rosie Battista, planned to spend her birthday alone, Deborah “dropped everything,” Rosie recalled, and drove two hours to meet her for dinner in New Jersey.

“She was the epitome of what a friend should be,” Rosie said. “She always wanted to be happy and to make sure people around her were doing the things that would make them happy. Even as her illness progressed, she kept asking how I was doing. It was just who she was.”

Throughout her life, Deborah found ways to direct her personal passions toward entrepreneurial endeavors.

First, Deborah turned her attention to nutrition. She attended the Institute of Integrative Nutrition in New York City in 1999 and then started her own business, Food & Balance, to help people adopt healthier eating habits.

But as time progressed, Deborah came to see her mission in broader terms, and to view food as just one component of guiding clients toward more fulfilling lives.

In 2013, Deborah rebranded her business “Desire on Fire” and formally broadened her focus to life coaching. “Her aim was to help her clients lead their best lives, from relationships to parenting to work,” Sam explained. “It was all encompassing for her.”

Through Desire on Fire, Deborah led small support groups—referred to as “Desire on Fire Circles”—consisting of a half dozen women each. Under Deborah’s leadership, participants pushed each other to pursue their passions.

“She spoke her truth during these circles. She was able to tell people what they wouldn’t or couldn’t see for themselves, always in a loving way, but not stopping until she was heard,” said Joy Perlow, one of Deborah’s’ closest friends and a Circle participant. “That was a key part of the Circles: being heard.”

In recent weeks, Joy said that Desire on Fire clients have discussed ways to honor Deborah’s memory, first and foremost by leading their lives as she led hers. “Deborah lived and breathed her business: It’s what she tried to do in her life, find happiness and help other people do the same,” Rosie added.

Deborah Shimer at the Green Olive Children’s Home, Mombasa, Kenya – November 2017

Deborah’s giving nature extended beyond her business: over the past decade, she supported a school for orphans in Kenya called the Green Olive Children’s Home, raising tens of thousands of dollars for the organization and bringing supplies when she visited it each year.

On July 22, family and friends gathered in Naples, Florida to celebrate Deborah. Speakers included her sister, stepbrother, and husband Sam.

“Honey, you were amazingly impactful, powerful beyond words, and most certainly successful in ways that cannot be measured,” Sam said in the closing remarks of the service. “You will be missed, remembered and quoted by so many people, which is the truest measure of what you accomplished both in your work, and in how you lived your life.”

Deborah is survived by her father, Geoffrey Nelson of Mombasa, Kenya; her mother, Barbara Cohen of Naples, Florida; her sister, Margaret Islin of Essex, England; her children, Joshua of New York City, Zachary of Asheville, North Carolina and Leandra of South Salem, New York; and her husband, Sam Shimer of St. Petersburg, Florida.

David Shimer is one of Deborah’s three stepchildren.

Deborah’s Top Ten Wisdoms

Deborah’s husband Sam gave a loving tribute at her memorial service on July 22^nd in Naples, FL. A highlight for those who knew Deborah is excerpted below:

Based on my years of conversations with Deborah, what I heard her say to others countless times, as well as my perspective about what she might want me to say, I am going to share the Top Ten things that Deborah would want conveyed to you on her behalf as we are here to remember her today. Of course, it will be without her beautiful accent, which you can imagine as I go through the list. I am sure that you heard many of these from her over the years.

Love each other. All of you. Just love each other and the people who matter to you. And not quietly or stoically. Tell each other how you feel and show it with a fierce hug.
Speak your truth. Holding things in doesn’t help. If you can say it in a gentle and loving way, try to do so. But speak up. No matter what.
Spend time outside, breathe deeply, watch the birds, watch the butterflies. Appreciate nature…without your smart phone!
Don’t settle; settling takes the air out of your life. It might be the easy choice–but don’t do it.
Laugh about good things; laugh bad things off; just laugh. And let go of anger; be forgiving.
Believe in yourself. You are more powerful than you understand; and if you don’t believe it, no one else will either.
Food is your fuel–would you put lousy gas in your car? Eat well and take care of yourself. And, of course, don’t drink diet soda!
Be generous–if you have money be generous with it. And we all can be generous with our time. Help people, listen, and care.
Don’t wait for tomorrow to do something that you want to do today or some time soon. Trust me. Take that trip; launch that business; tell someone how you feel. You can run out of time.
Think about me from time to time. I am still here, in your hearts and minds. If I can help you with a memory or insight, reach out for me. Listen quietly, and I will answer you.

Life Coach

My Journey of Transition