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Sharon Okun

Local Experts Share Strategies for Being Happy in your Relationship

April 24, 2023 by Alexa Troob

With 40-50% of marriages in the United States ending in divorce, it makes one wonder about the reason for that shockingly high statistic, and what can be done to keep a marriage happy and healthy.

Michelle Obama’s book The Light We Carry focuses on navigating relationships, sharing what she has learned from her own marriage. In an interview with National Public Radio, she continuously highlights that all marriages take work. She refutes the common philosophy that a marriage should be 50/50 at all times. Instead, emphasizing that at any given moment, it is more than likely that one person will be giving more. Over time, these compromises should go both ways, but it is unrealistic to expect an equal share of work to be a constant. Michelle Obama’s vulnerability opens the discussion of what a genuine long-term marriage looks like and what skills are vital in preserving a healthy relationship. She fears that by avoiding this discussion, it causes people to bolt the instant they face a period of discomfort. So, let’s talk about it. Because a marriage can never be perfect, but there are mindset shifts, skills, and tools that can be utilized to try and help make it work.

Cartoons by Michael Gyory

Jane Winfield, a clinical social worker at Repose, which has recently opened an office in Pleasantville, shared her insights on how a happy marriage can be sustained. First, she shared the importance of not running from conflict, and letting go the common misconception that anger is a negative emotion. In reality, anger is inevitable, so avoiding it will only increase tension.

“Healthy and happy couples are just as likely to get angry at each other. It’s more about what we do with anger. Are we able to remain respectful, supportive, and loving? Are we able to maintain our closeness and intimacy even if we’re angry?”

And when anger and conflict do arise, which they will, Winfield highlighted that it is not about “looking at the content of the conflict as much as the process of it. So, it’s not about what we are arguing about; what’s more important is how are we arguing. Are we arguing in ways that are gentle, that are respectful, and that make our partner feel heard and seen?”

Winfield also often recommends that each member of a relationship should see their own individual therapist before embarking too deeply in couples’ therapy. In individual therapy, couples can explore how their own past is bleeding into their current relationship. For example, they will examine the types of conflict they experienced in their own households as “people have often learned a lot of unhealthy communication patterns growing up.” By examining old wounds from past relationships, it helps each individual heal so that “those wounds don’t just keep getting replicated in the present.”

Sharon Okun, life coach and energy healer in Armonk, also spoke of the importance of caring for yourself “to more effectively show up in your relationships.” Okun “helps people calm down, get centered, and be present in their bodies.” When we slow down, breathe, and try to find little moments of joy throughout our days, we are happier, calmer, and less irritable. If we don’t take the time to assess our own emotions, we are likely to take something personal out on our partner before we have even had the ability to process it. By teaching people how to get grounded, Okun therefore helps them be calmer in their relationships as well. After all, we must be able to show up for ourselves before we have the capacity to show up for someone else.

Perhaps a bottom line is that to have a happy and healthy relationship with another person, one must also have a happy and healthy relationship within themselves. Jodi Baretz, a psychotherapist and mindset and relationship coach in Chappaqua, says that it is vital that each partner maintains their individuality and personal life for a marriage to be sustainable. “When you rely too much on the other person it puts too much pressure on them. You need to have your own friends and your own life because one person can’t be everything to you,” explained Baretz. She provided the example that if you really enjoy traveling, but your partner does not, you can find a friend to travel with rather than either forcing your partner to go with you or abandoning your passions–both of which would only lead to resentment for the other person.

Baretz also suggests prioritizing making time for each other and having fun together: “It’s not just about the to-do lists and the kids. “Try doing an activity together where you laugh together and just have fun,” she said. And this may require a couple to expand their horizons past a dinner date, and rather try something new and exciting.

Baretz also spoke on the importance of acceptance of the other person. She often finds people coming to her complaining about their partner and how they wish that they would change. Trying to change someone else to be happy in the relationship is most often unachievable–and will only build resentment. Baretz explained that “true power isn’t controlling the other person, but being able to control your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.” If we focus on what we can control, like how we respond to the other person, it can in turn shift their behavior.

Indeed, when we stop fixating on someone’s flaws, it also allows us to truly listen to what they are saying. Throughout Baretz’s experience helping people with their marriages, she has found that a common theme amongst struggling couples is someone not feeling heard, or seen. She shares that “one of the quickest ways to get a relationship back on track is to really acknowledge, appreciate, and validate the other person.” And the only way to make your partner feel heard, is to genuinely listen, and more importantly, to listen without becoming defensive. Rather than rushing to justify your actions when your partner talks about how what you do is making them feel, accept that the behavior you are being accused of is probably not something that they are making up out of thin air. When we take our ego out of the equation, an argument with a partner can be productive, serving as a clue as to why the relationship is having issues.

When you check your own behavior, you can evaluate how you can be a better partner before placing blame on the other person for the relationship’s faults. Baretz advises that anyone in a marriage should ask themselves: “would you want to be married to you?”

About our cartoonist: Michael Gyory is the third of three only children reared in the idyllic woods of Katonah. He graduated from John Jay High School and holds a Master’s degree in Communication from U. Penn. He is the son of Hungarian survivors and proudly serves as Chair of the Holocaust and Human Rights Education Center. Michael currently lives in Irvington, and has one son who, he says, is a much better artist.

Filed Under: Cover Stories Tagged With: Better Relationships, Happy Marriages, Jane Winfield, Jodi Baretz, Navigating Relationships, Repose, Sharon Okun

A Local Healer’s Journey with Lyme Disease

August 25, 2017 by The Inside Press

By Sharon Okun

Sharon Okun

After trying everything, Armonk Licensed Massage Therapist & Wellness Coach Sharon Okun says she researched and benefited from alternative healing modalities in her battle against Lyme. Here, in some answers to our questions, she shares her experience and resources.

1. When were you first diagnosed with Lyme Disease?

I was accurately diagnosed at the beginning of 2014 by a Lyme-literate doctor, after suffering with symptoms for 10 years. My overall quality of life now is excellent, although occasionally I still having challenging days.

2. What treatment did you try initially?

I was given antibiotics, which were partially effective for four to six months but then they stopped working. I than tried alternative therapies which helped greatly. Please keep in mind that whatever works for me may not work for you.

I advise that you first consult your doctor before attempting any alternative methods that are mentioned in this article.

3. There has been a lot of press about debilitating symptoms from the disease that can linger. Can you describe what symptoms you had and how they impacted your life?

My symptoms included fatigue, dizziness, significant neck pain and headaches, tremors, nerve pain and numbness, brain fog, and extreme chemical sensitivities. I stopped working full time as a licensed massage therapist until I could figure out what was wrong.  For a time, I had limited activities outside of the home and primarily focused on managing my family, except that I pushed myself daily to exercise no matter how I actually felt.

4. What made you try alternative medicine to treat your disease? What types of alternative therapies did you use that led to improvement?

I understand the mind-body connection. Through my work as a licensed massage therapist and wellness coach for the last 20 years, I have seen firsthand how alternative therapies transform people’s lives. I needed to find the right combination to start healing my Lyme Disease, so I continued to persevere. I researched extensively and experimented with different supplements and gentle modalities while under strict supervision by a medical doctor. These are the alternatives that I used and continue to use to manage symptoms:

  1. Acupuncture
  2. Cranio Sacral work
  3. Lymphatic Drainage
  4. Meditation
  5. Qigong
  6. Somatic healing
  7. Life coaching
  8. Daily exercise
  9. Paleo Diet

All the above worked. However, once I learned to incorporate mindfulness practices into my life, I started to see more definitive results.

Mindfulness practice is developing an emotional intelligence. It is about creating strategies to readjust expectations of oneself and of others. It is also about managing daily stress by slowing down the body and truly listening to what it needs to feel empowered–even through challenging times. Also, as a massage therapist, I have learned that emotional stressors are stored in the body as well as in the mind. My holistic practice helps people move through ‘stuck pain,’ whether physical or mental, that is held in the muscles, nervous system and the rest of the body.

 I am not a doctor. I do not advise about, diagnose or treat Lyme. As a wellness coach and massage therapist, I champion my clients to find their own inner strength by asking powerful questions that engage them. I actively listen to people’s stories and facilitate awareness to help them design action plans that propel them forward to reach their goals.

 I offer clients massage therapy and teach them meditation and qigong (a formless style of energy movement). I help clients release pain that is held in their bodies, making room for them to truly heal.

Sharon Okun is a licensed massage therapist and wellness coach in Armonk, in practice for more than 20 years. She trained at the Swedish Institute and the Center for Coaching Mastery. She is part of the Global Lyme Alliance and Lyme Connection. After a long journey with Chronic Lyme Disease, Okun says she has successfully learned to manage her illness holistically. Visit www.bodycenteredhealing.massagetherapy.com.

Sharon’s Resources:

Authors

Healing Lyme by Stephen Harrod Buhner, Master Herbalist

This book includes extensive research on Lyme Disease and effective herbal medicine treatments. Stephen Buhner has written several books on Lyme Disease and on alternative medicine in general along with mind/body techniques.

Why Can’t I Get Better by Dr. Richard Horowitz, M.D.

Dr. Horowitz has been instrumental in changing laws to support Lyme Disease testing and treatment. He has designed Lyme Disease education for medical schools (including at Harvard).

Websites & Facebook Page

(Many of these organizations offer important Lyme prevention advice, too.)

Goodbyelyme.com: Research and information about Chinese medicine for Lyme

TiredofLyme.com: General Lyme information

Gaianstudies.org: Stephen Buhner’s institute

Globallymealliance.org: Patient advocacy organization

Lymeconnection.org: Local patient advocacy organization out of Fairfield County Connecticut

Town of New Castle Task Force on Health & Wellness Facebook Group

Inside Press Disclaimer: The opinions presented here reflect the experience and views of the author; please consult your own doctor for diagnosis and/or treatment.

Filed Under: Health and Wellness with our Sponsors Tagged With: Lyme Disease, Lyme Disease Alternative Treatment, Sharon Okun

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