The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

marriage

Unconditional Love

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Inside Press Publisher Grace Bennett Photo by Donna Mueller

A great deal has been said for and against social media, but one ‘for’ argument: it’s a way to share the joys of being a grandma and/or grandpa! Listen, in these pandemic years, new generations of precious little humans around are a raison de célébrer. If Stacey Pfeffer helps reveal how each grandparent’s love is a study in the human capacity for unconditional love, then mission accomplished.

In the pursuit of a theme of ‘family bliss’, I also thought I’d call out the ‘perfect’ marriage as a myth that social media may sometimes have you believing. Truth is virtually all relationships at some point face or will face any manner of stress that can make or break them. So how to keep that basic truth positive and productive? Alexa Troob was ‘all over it’ and gleaned advice and strategies from local therapists and healers who help couples weather the storms, survive, and thrive. Meanwhile, Beth Besen courageously shares her own sage advice for staying the course! Next feature: When and why throwing in the towel might be the best decision, and how to do that as amicably as possible!

Alexa has a second article here, too. Following a guided tour, she makes a poignant case for saving Buttonhook, Chappaqua’s embattled, sacred forest. Read all about it.

Journalism continues to face unprecedented challenges, so don’t miss Andrew Vitelli’s recap of the ‘Future of Local Journalism’ panel at the Chappaqua Library.

I was proud of the opportunity to moderate the Chappaqua Library panel, “The Future of Local Journalism”
Photo by Denise Mincin

If there is ‘one well deserved cover story’ I hadn’t produced in 20 years of publishing, it’s a ‘close-up’ of New Castle’s annual Memorial Day parade/event which remembers our fallen. I’ve been personally covering it, in words and pictures, for almost as many years as I’ve been publishing, so very grateful to Ronni Diamondstein for contributing both her iconic cover photo and article to ‘bring it home’.

If you haven’t had a chance to watch The Wonderful Mrs. Maisel on Prime (hard to imagine, but…), you might be wondering about our Armonk cover! We advise you just read on to discover the compelling story of Jean Carroll as shared by her granddaughter and local mom and social activist Susan Chatzky with Briarcliff Manor’s Deputy Mayor Pete Chatzky at her side.  

When Ella Ilan told me about a group of North Castle moms who have met regularly through the years, forming a deep friendship circle, over mah jongg and canasta, I thought it would make a compelling local story for Inside Armonk! Thanks to Ella’s story, I’m inspired to learn the games now myself. After all, there’s nothing like girlfriends to share the best of times to revel in and sear into our memories, and the worst of times to help you navigate and hopefully sail to a safer shore.

For fun and in-depth stories, we encourage you to discover Joanna VanTrees, the broadcast personality behind What’s Up Pleasantville? at Pleasantville Community Television. Michael Gold refers to Joanna as “a force of nature” and after reading his article, perhaps it won’t be hard to see why!

There’s so much more in our issues, particularly in the areas of public service and the arts so please don’t skip a thing (and do continue ‘telling ‘em you saw it’ in an Inside pub).

Finally, as the Inside Press has ‘gone quarterly’, we’re taking a print break for a stretch (we publish again mid-August), and an online break as much as possible, although you can still follow our adventures as they arise on yes, you guessed it, social media!  

Happy Mother’s Day! Happy Father’s Day!  

To Tell the Truth

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“Honey, do these pants make me look fat?!”

We’ve all asked it, or some version thereof, of our spouse/partner/significant other. And, of course, we want to hear some version of “no, of course not – they look great on you, my dear!”

But, what if they actually don’t?

And so, the real question is–do we truly want an honest answer? Or do we want our spouse/partner/significant other to tell a little white lie and spare our feelings?

This is the question central to the movie You Hurt My Feelings*, a new film by writer-director Nicole Holofcener starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Tobias Menzies as a perfectly happy couple who share a picture-perfect NYC life. Or are they, and do they? Julia plays Beth, a writer hard at work on a follow-up to her successful memoir. She asks her husband, Don, to read her many drafts and he has nothing but praise for them and for her. But, of course, a movie needs a plot twist, and this one begs the moral question about when and if to tell a loved one what you really think.

I loved this movie, not just because the writing, directing, editing, acting were superb (which they are), not just because, well, Julia is a writer named BETH… lol… and not just because it depicts a certain Manhattan demographic so pitch-perfectly, but because it asks a pretty profound question, examines it in with slice-of-life directness, but still leaves us wondering and causes us to ponder what we would do.

When I was asked for an essay offering “a few pearls of wisdom/anecdotes” of a long-term happy marriage, I had to pause for a moment. Am I really the right person? Do my husband and I belong up on some unlikely pedestal for all to admire? Ha, I laughed to myself, haha, that’s a good one! But, then again, I hedged, we have been together for over 30 years and there’s something to be said for that kind of staying power. Truly, anyone who takes this long and winding commitment road knows that it’s not without its bumps and potholes. That said, it’s in the way we navigate these roadblocks that we find our strengths, figure out how to work together and decide whether we are and can continue to be a happy couple.

Which leads me back to You Hurt My Feelings, a 2023 film which I had the good fortune to see during its premiere screening at the Sundance Film Festival (SFF) this past January. I’ve been an SFF volunteer for the last decade (I actually got my 10-year pin this year), and I just love, love, love it! The excitement and energy are palpable, I’ve met amazing life-long friends, enjoyed parties and swag, and, of course, seen incredible films often with talent on-hand for interesting post-screening Q-and-As. It’s a film-lover’s paradise! And I always go it alone.

Yes, while Stephen and I enjoy watching movies together, he would hate the Sundance traffic, crowds, and lines. My husband has many fine qualities, but patience is simply not one of them. And so, Sundance is my thing. And we’re both fine with that–today.

Fact is, however, at first, this wasn’t a given. Our kids had just grown and flown enough for me to contemplate Sundance. But could I really just take off? On my own? While my poor hubbie went to the office working his insane hours as always? Hmmmm. I definitely sensed a bit of tension, maybe even resentment. But when I asked if he was truly ok with it (i.e., do these pants make me look fat?), he said yes. And so, I made my plans. And the next year, made them again. And so on and so forth until, as the years went on, Stephen started to ask me if I’d made my annual SFF arrangements yet.

Did Stephen honestly mean he was ok with my very first solo SFF plans? Or did he, out of love and generosity, tell me what he knew I wanted to hear? I’ll likely never really know. But I do know I’m glad he said “yes” and that my annual Sundance volunteering stint has become part of the fabric of our lives. Togetherness is a wonderful thing, but so too are personal interests and individual hobbies.

Final thought: I imagine it can get pretty tiring hanging out on a pedestal. I’d rather put that energy into the hard work that is the real brick and mortar of a happy marriage. Cheers to all of us who love, respect, compromise, negotiate, give in, hold out, keep on keeping on 😊!

*You Hurt My Feelings was first screened at the 2023 Sundance Film Festival and was snapped up by A24; I highly recommend!

It’s a Wonderful Life for Ian and Lauren Karr

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Lauren and Ian Karr
PHOTO BY CAROLYN SIMPSON

Ian Karr, who grew up in White Plains, always thought he’d live in Chappaqua. Lauren, his wife, was a city girl who was never leaving the city. One day in 1997 Ian came home to their 52nd Street apartment to find Lauren with the Real Estate section of The New York Times. “I’m looking for houses in Chappaqua,” she told him not long after they had visited some friends who had moved up from the city. “It was a nesting thing,” says Ian. “We had a baby. She was six months old and we felt like we needed more space and a nice place to live.”

The Karr’s story is like many who find themselves living in the town. “We liked the location. It’s close enough to the city. It’s sophisticated but country,” says Ian. “One of the big factors is the great school system,” adds Lauren. “We’ve seen the full cycle in Chappaqua from pre-school, playgroups to empty nests.”

Twenty-four years later they are empty nesters. Their baby Jayden is now 24 years old and living in the city pursuing a career in eCommerce. Their son Gregory is a Junior at Syracuse University majoring in Finance and Real Estate.

Ian is an award-winning producer and director and the founder of IKA Collective a production company that celebrated its 35th anniversary on March 11th. Ian began his career on country radio stations in New Orleans and New York, but storytelling, photography and filmmaking were in his system since his childhood. He got his first production job in 1986 with Merrill Lynch. From Merrill Lynch he took on commercial clients in the late 90s doing promos for TV clients and then in the late 2000s original content and commercials. The company has grown to include such clients as the Hallmark Channel. “We do a lot of work with Hallmark Channel,” says Ian. “We do promos, behind the scenes for a majority of their movies, bonus content with stars, and we originated the podcasts. Hallmark is near and dear, and they are incredibly nice people.” Ian kept up his radio work and joined comedian Jackie Martling for the “Joke Hunt” on SiriusXM Radio for eight years.

Lauren had a career as a Print Broker and opened her own printing business which she had for ten years. When she fell in love with Pilates after Gregory was born in 2000, she was encouraged by her instructor Lesly Levy to become an instructor herself. Lauren is now a certified Pilates Trainer and Pilates Teacher Trainer. She has worked in several studios in Westchester and has been with Breathe Pilates & Yoga in Chappaqua nearly ten years. Helping people gives Lauren great satisfaction. “Most of my clients have some issue with their back or their spine. I feel good making them feel better and strengthened.”

Once Lauren embraced the suburban life, she became involved in the PTA. She ran the Westorchard Spring Fair for many years and continued to be involved with PTA when her children were at Seven Bridges Middle School and Horace Greeley High School. She took to gardening and planted a vegetable garden. Raising chickens was always on Lauren’s bucket list so she and Ian found some Pullets on Craig’s List and set up a coop in their backyard for several years. “It was a learning experience,” says Lauren. “And they loved me because I fed them.”

Skiing bonded the Karrs and it became a favorite family activity. Since 2003 they have gone out to Utah with the family. “We really loved the feeling, the vibe of it, the people, and all the people coming from all over to be there,” says Lauren.

A love of cars created a bond for Ian and his son Gregory. “When Greg was nine years old we restored a 1965 Mustang. I wanted a fun father-son activity. Little did I know it would unlock the inner mechanic in me,” says Ian. Ian brought the car to the Auto Center at Reader’s Digest to mechanic Stu Silverman. “Stu would put it on the lift and check my work. He was very encouraging through the process–a great mentor and neighbor helping neighbor.”

The Pandemic has impacted both their careers. For Ian there is a lot less travel. “Production is a team sport, it’s a hive. So we had to develop new protocols which allowed for collaboration at a distance. Once those were in place, it’s amazing how quickly our crews adapted.”

Lauren does virtual Pilates training now. “For me it’s great because I still have the connection with the clients. It’s different in that I can’t be there with them,” says Lauren. “It’s making the best of whatever the situation is. I’m still getting that level of satisfaction of making people feel good.”

COVID-19 brought some other changes to their family. Jayden, their 24-year-old daughter was furloughed from her job at Bergdorf when NY Pause began. It was a challenging time for many young people who were without work. Not knowing what the future held Lauren encouraged Jayden’s creativity and Jayden launched ZIP’D Wear, a casual clothing line. “It took her mind off things, and fortunately in July Jayden was called back to Bergdorf,” says Lauren. Always the entrepreneur, Jayden still keeps up with her business.

The Karrs reflected on their 27-year marriage, their careers and their life in Chappaqua.

“Laughing is a huge part of our marriage,” says Ian. His advice: “Don’t take yourself too seriously and create circumstances for you to grow together.” Lauren adds, “The key is mutual respect and to be on the same page about parenting.”

“With the pace of things today, it’s easy to feel like we’re on a hamster wheel,” says Ian. “One day I watched a hamster in a pet store. You know how hamsters get off the wheel? They jump. I learned from that little rodent that if you want to get off the hamster wheel you have to take a leap, you can’t just slow it down.”

And has their life been like a Hallmark movie? “Typically, in a Hallmark movie one of the important themes is rediscovering yourself and what’s important in your life after you’ve been sidetracked or led astray. It becomes a tug of war and the characters always choose people over things,” Ian says. “The parallel for me in my life with Hallmark is I tend to choose relationships and the happiness of the people around me over almost everything else.”

As a friend once told Ian, “Marriage is like a great movie. Ninety percent of it is casting.” It looks like Ian and Lauren Karr are the stars of their own inspiring journey.

On the Precipice: Choosing to End Your Marriage AND Preserve Your Family

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And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Anais Nin (quoted in Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow by Elizabeth Lesser)

Well darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable
And lightness has a call that’s hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety ’til I sank it
I’m crawling on your shores

The Indigo Girls, Closer to Fine

By Neil Kozek, Esq. and Michelle Lewis, Esq.

No matter how we feel about our marriage, choosing to divorce can be terrifying. Remaining in an intact nuclear family is a source of tremendous comfort, providing stability, certainty, and social acceptance that may feel impossible to replicate outside its confines.

On the other side of divorce, we may be unable to imagine that an exciting, rewarding, or happy new life awaits us. While that new life may present opportunities to realize our most desired and passionate dreams for ourselves, the fear of the unknown may also be a source of mystery and anxiety. Peering over the edge of our known lives, we may only be capable of seeing darkness. Should we jump into the icy waters of the unknown? Or should we stay in our lives, unfulfilled, but safe? 

There is something about ending our marriage that frightens us to our core: if we are not a member of our family unit, not someone’s wife or husband, then who are we? If we do not share a home with our children every day of their childhoods, are we still a full-fledged parent? The prospect of divorce may fill us with shame and guilt as well as uncertainty.

Another obstacle to making the decision to divorce is our fear of the divorce process itself. We have all known or heard about family, friends, and even celebrities who have been consumed by their divorces, their lives going up in bitter flames of hate, judgment, and disgrace. We have heard the cautionary tales about attorneys who prey on vulnerable clients, promising them the sun, the moon and the stars, and their spouse’s head on a spit, only to leave them alienated from their own children, broke, and bereft. Sometimes it feels like even the most uncomplicated divorces become unnecessarily nasty, expensive, and protracted.

A traditional divorce process can give the more monied spouse the ability to exercise financial control by withholding support, transferring or wasting assets, and engaging in soul crushing litigation over every issue. Likewise, it can give the primary caregiver of the children the opportunity to play the role of victim, persuading the children that the other parent is selfish, cruel, or even dangerous. These fears are not unfounded, and many families unwittingly find themselves crushed and broken by the powerful tides of divorce litigation.

We have all heard that children whose parents are divorced come from “broken” homes. Parents who are divorced are “single” parents. The prevalent images in our culture surrounding divorced families are images of sad and unsupervised children, torn between embittered, frazzled and lonely parents. It is common knowledge that these children are at risk for educational, social, and emotional distress and failure to reach their potential. Who would choose this for their children? Persuaded by these pervasive images and beliefs, it is understandable that many unhappy couples have decided that the price of personal freedom at the potential expense of their children’s wellbeing is too high. Staying married seems to be the safest course.

Divorce, however, does not have to extract this kind of cost. Not only can you eschew the highly adversarial litigation process; if you and your spouse are aligned, you can preserve your family and protect your children’s wellbeing. Closing the door on the chapter of your lives in which you lived under one roof is certainly painful and sad, but it is not the end of your family’s story. As one door closes, a new one opens, and you and your spouse can begin a new chapter as co-parents in separate homes who support one another and coordinate your children’s care with maturity and respect.

The first and most important step is to have a frank discussion with your spouse about your decision to end the marriage and your goal of doing so in an out of court process that preserves and strengthens your ability to parent your children together. If you can agree on these goals, then the next step for each of you is finding and selecting an attorney who understands and supports your goals. Look for attorneys trained in collaborative divorce or mediation, as they will have the necessary tools, techniques, skills, commitment, and experience to help you restructure your family without destroying one another or your children.

In collaborative divorce, you and your spouse will meet with your attorneys and often will work as part of a team with a financial neutral and a trained mental health professional. Collaborative divorce may appeal to you if you want to have an attorney safeguarding your interests in the room during negotiations, if your finances are complex and the knowledge you and your spouse have about the finances is unequal, or if you feel that overwhelmingly strong emotions might derail a settlement without the assistance of a trained professional.

In mediation, you and your spouse will typically meet with a mediator who does not represent either of you but is trained to facilitate dialogue concerning your interests and to assist you in generating and choosing the best options to settle your case. Mediation is particularly well suited to couples who share financial information, have comparable levels of financial sophistication, and have some reservoir of trust in one another. It can also be an excellent choice for couples who substantially agree on parenting issues or whose children are grown. Be mindful that mediated agreements should always be reviewed by independent attorneys for each spouse. In either process, trust is going to be an important factor.

So as you stand uncomfortably on what may feel like the precipice of a high cliff, whipped by the winds of indecision as to whether to leave your marriage, know that if you decide to plunge, you do not have to be shattered on the rocks or tossed by the frothy waves below. If you and your spouse choose your attorneys and your divorce process wisely, you can successfully separate with dignity and respect, your relationships with your children intact and your finances preserved.

Mr. Kozek is a litigator, collaborative attorney, and founding member of Kramer Kozek LLP, a boutique Matrimonial Law Firm practicing in suburban and metropolitan New York City. He is a Fellow of both the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) and International Academy of Family Lawyers (IAFL), a pioneer of New York’s trend toward out-of-court dispute resolution which includes founding the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals (NYACP )and serving on the Board of Directors of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP). Mr. Kozek has been recognized in Best Lawyers in America, Top 25 attorneys in Westchester County, and is rated “AV” by Martindale Hubble as pre-eminent in both ethical standards and legal ability. He lectures and has written extensively on the topics of divorce, Collaborative Practice and Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR).

Ms. Lewis is also a member of Kramer Kozek LLP where she concentrates her practice exclusively on Matrimonial and Family Law matters, focusing on Collaborative Divorce, Mediation, Mediation Review and Litigation. She currently serves on the Board of Directors of the NYACP. Ms. Lewis began her career in ADR while focusing on Family Law and earning her Juris Doctorate from Harvard University prior to joining Kramer Kozek.  Ms. Lewis recently received accolades for her pro bono service to separated and divorcing spouses from the Legal Services of the Hudson Valley. Ms. Lewis has been practicing law since 1998.

Mr. Kozek and Ms. Lewis are both active members of the Family Law Sections of multiple bar associations including the Westchester County, Westchester County Women’s, American and the New York and New Jersey State Bar Associations. Both have been recognized for their achievements in Collaborative and Family Law by New York Metro Super Lawyers.

For additional information about Neil and Michelle or to learn more about Kramer Kozek LLP, their website is kramerkozek.com and the firm’s main number is 914-683-3500. 

 

 

 

 

Understanding the Key Ingredients for a Successful Marriage

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When you commit to marriage, you intend to take on the most meaningful project of your life.  All projects take work but why are some couples happy and others miserable in the process? While chemistry and romance play a part some couples work together more successfully than others. Being open to the following ways of relating is likely why.

Paying Attention

When you pay attention to each other, you become aware of each other’s moods and preferences. Paying attention to each other’s thoughts and feelings enables you both to intuit and address each of your needs. When you feel seen and heard by your partner, you feel valued and special.

Considering Differences

Opposites tend to attract. Your personalities may be complementary, but they also may be polarizing. When they are polarizing, you feel angry and frustrated. Rather than try to prove your way is better, think about why you approach the same problem so differently. Just the effort of considering rather than judging your partner’s point of view will likely feel very meaningful to him or her. Sometimes a husband or wife asks me dumbfounded, “Why can’t my spouse do it the way I would?” Asking a question instead of reaming your spouse for doing it “wrong” engenders a discussion.

Feedback is helpful. Criticism is alienating. When your spouse makes an accusation or complaint it is quite helpful to consider whether it has some validity. You can then decide if you are wed to your way or wed to your spouse.

Working as a Team

Teamwork is about good communication, patience, and encouragement while combining your skills to work together toward a mutual goal. It involves listening, considering what has been expressed, and responding with ideas that take into account both of your perspectives.  Sometimes arguing is necessary to find solutions, but arguing to hurt or prove the other person wrong is hurtful and divisive.

The experience of love and hate in the process of finding a mutually satisfying solution actually keeps relationships vital.  If you stay on the same side believing that you both have good intentions you will be kinder to each other. A happy marriage requires negotiation and at least some compromise. Finding a mutually gratifying solution or taking turns giving in allows you to recognize and appreciate the sacrifices you make for one another.

If you feel alienated, it’s likely one or both of you is engaging in unhealthy ways of coping. Inflexibility, giving up, blaming others, denying problems or abusing alcohol and drugs are some examples of unhealthy coping. One trap is turning to friends or family to gain support for negative feelings toward your spouse. More often than not this increases defensiveness, arguing and discord.

Giving and Gratitude

The spirit of giving and gratitude also works to keep couples together. Expressing appreciation for the ways in which you prioritize meeting each other’s needs engenders positive feeling. Expressing gratitude for the ways you take care of your household together can make chores feel less burdensome. Feeling taken for granted, results in withholding, anger and hopelessness. A relationship based on giving and gratitude and shared responsibility engenders cycles of reciprocity rather than resentment.

Being Flexible

If you both stay flexible, conflicts resolve more easily. Try to think about why you may be holding hard and fast to a belief. If you both dig in your heels and fight about whose way is right, it will be harder to resolve the problem. If either spouse asserts: “I am not going to change. You need to accept me for who I am,” he or she is not working toward the greater goal of mutual happiness. Unhappy couples are resigned to the idea that “people do not change” so they act and react to each with anger, passive aggression, stubbornness, and resignation.

Offering Friendship

Ask yourself what do you like about friendship? Companionship, laughter, support, fun, and good natured competition are typical answers. Good natured competition means the goal is to admire the winner and take losing in stride. Couples that spend time together sharing activities like playing a sport or even watching a TV series feel identified and connected. Spouses who share the benefits of friendship are happier.

Couples who succeed are the ones who face life challenges feeling like a good team. If you resolve your conflicts, generate solutions together, and reach your mutual goals, you will continue to feel satisfied and happy in your marriage. When you value each other, and enjoy each other, you know you are better together than apart.

Danika Altman, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice with adolescents, adults, and couples. She also works as a management skills and interview preparation coach. She has offices in Pleasantville, NY, and in Manhattan.