relationships Archives - Inside Chappaqua and Inside Armonk: The Magazines for New and North Castle

By Jodi Baretz

Conflicts can be personal, community-based, global. They can cover all sorts of topics and divide us in a variety of ways. Conflict is part of the human condition, and, while inevitable, is healthy and normal too. However, just as we all experience conflict in different and unique ways, so too do we go about resolving our issues using a variety of methods and manners. Often, it is not the conflict itself, but the resolution process that determines the outcome and impacts our ongoing thoughts and feelings.

Gathering ideas from different viewpoints can be informative and helpful. Town meetings and, more recently, social media are great ways to share ideas and come together; however, there are challenges as well. Emotions and tensions can run high at the meetings, and words and posts can be misconstrued on social media.

Social media is a wonderful resource, but it can also be a place where tension and conflict arise. Local online forums (whether Chappaqua, Armonk, Mount Pleasant or others) reflect community interest in a range of helpful to hot-button topics such as coyotes, community pools, dog curbing, train track crossings and future developments like that of Chappaqua Crossing. It is wonderful that we all have opinions, but pausing to think about how we express them is critical.

When we respond too quickly, based on emotion, we often regret it. Creating space between stimulus and response can make a huge difference. Victor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, writes: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” Before you respond to conflict, you may want to stop and ask yourself–am I being clear and respectful? What am I really reacting to here? Is it the issue itself or is this personal? When have I felt like this before? Craig Ferguson, late-night host and comedian, had this to say on communicating with his ex-wife: He asks himself, “does this need to be said, does this need to be said by me, does this need to said by me right now?”

The ability to create space sounds great in theory, but in the moment can be difficult to attain. It takes a lot of practice and we are always a work in progress. Personally, I work on this through meditation and mindfulness, but still have moments where I forget to pause. Just recently, I reacted to a situation, without the pause, and ended up hurting someone I care about and regretting my actions. After apologizing, I immediately tried to use this experience as a way to understand myself and uncover what triggered me. Even though it was a less than ideal response, it was an opportunity to examine my behavior in a compassionate non-judgmental way, understand that I am human and that I make mistakes. Hopefully, this will lead to growth, healing and forgiveness, and it won’t happen again.

We all have different triggers depending on our past experiences and how we were raised. People can have varying reactions to the exact same stimulus. We tend not to be open to new ideas and beliefs and only really “see” the ones that we agree with, what we already know to be true. If we can drop our ego when conflict arises, and try to understand what exactly we are reacting to, as well as the other viewpoint, we will be more effective at coming to a resolution. Understanding, rather than accusing, goes a long way in conflict resolution. This does not mean you have to agree with the other side or condone their viewpoint or actions. We are usually protecting something that means a lot to us when we are fighting for it; for example, it is likely that a wildlife conservationist and small dog owner will have different opinions regarding the coyotes in our midst. Opening to what the other person is fighting for can really help with reaching a compromise. It will make you more effective in your position. Can we learn to see our experiences through a wider lens?

When we engage in conflict and get angry at others, it often results in stress and inner turmoil. We want to get our point across, but when we fight, we end up harming ourselves. We may feel wronged, disrespected, misunderstood, but holding on to anger and hostility can affect us more than our adversary. I tell my clients to try to let things go and forgive selfishly. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it kills your enemies. “

The open exchange of ideas is what all relationships are built upon. Understanding another’s perspective makes us better leaders and more effective problem solvers. Thinking about why we are triggered by certain issues can be useful, give us insight, and help us respond rather than react. Coming together, we accomplish more; cooperation rather than discord. In the end, we want the same thing, a prosperous vibrant community.

Jodi is a psychotherapist and holistic health coach with a private practice at The Center for Health and Healing in Mt. Kisco. She runs a variety of mindfulness workshops and small groups. Jodi helps “stressed out” adults manage the challenges of daily life and build harmonious relationships with their kids, spouses, bodies and themselves, so they live with more joy, peace and fulfillment.

“Friends keep me sane and grounded,” says Miriam. To the left of Miriam (l-r): Buddies Amy Mittelstadt, Jennifer Cahill and Genine Coccoli DiFalco.

Are you in a holding pattern caused by loneliness? Anyone can experience the painful awareness of not connecting with others–married or single. Strong, competent women rationalize being treated poorly by awful men to avoid loneliness. Others in healthy relationships feel isolated by the lack of true friendships outside that relationship. Loneliness is a state of mind that can be changed by connecting with yourself first.

My most profound loneliness was being in a marriage I had outgrown. After being married several years with two young children, I had drifted away from many of the friends I had growing up and in my early 20s. My emotions were in turmoil and I had nobody in whom to confide. Despite our sporadic socializing we reconnected immediately and I began rebuilding other friendships I had neglected over the years. My friends gave me strength to pursue my divorce and that step empowered me to start questioning what I want to do with the rest of my life.

If you are not doing things to fulfill all parts of your self–intellectually, physically, and spiritually–you are not truly living. For years, I coasted on auto pilot. I worked, took care of my kids and collapsed exhausted each night. I realized I wanted more and started setting goals. I have the same 24 hours in my day as anyone and I work full time, juggle the busy lives of two teenage girls and my own social life, yet I don’t just come to life on weekends. I ensure there are things I do for my mind, body and soul each day. What have you done for you lately?

Dinners and nights out with my friends are a given, but I belong to the Jacob Burns Film Center and enjoy seeing films alone. Running makes me feel good and that led to running marathons. Travelling the world alone connects me deeply to the moment and myself–quite the opposite of lonely. Between family, work, travelling and socializing, I met a guy. We clicked instantly and became involved. While happily enjoying my life I met someone, exactly how all the magazines said it would happen. My happiness was short-lived, however, when things ended abruptly six months later. Yes, I was sad, but I rechannelled that sadness into a freelance writing career which fulfils me creatively. Changing grade levels after 18 years challenged me professionally.

Can I pursue all things, all the time? No. Life is a balancing act. Deciding to learn a new curriculum meant publishing fewer articles, but planning new, creative lessons and teaching older students fulfills me in new ways. Some weeks I’m too busy to run as much as I ‘d like so I read or watch a movie. Actively pursuing things I enjoy gives me more energy than I had as a young mother, and strong friendships transcend any romantic relationship. So how can you reconnect with yourself and your old friends?

Take that first step. Send that message to someone you have been meaning to contact. Suggest after work drinks with colleagues and widen your social network.
Join a social website. Meetup.com has groups for any interest. Some are geared toward singles but I suggest finding groups geared to your own interests or create your own group!
Select an interest or two and devise a plan. If it’s travel, calculate costs and plan your trip. Thinking about learning a language, or taking a cooking or photography class? Check out Chappaqua Continuing Education or other community or city options.
Exercise regularly. Vary your exercise routine to avoid a plateau and remain physically challenged. Don’t belong to a gym? Put on headphones and go for a walk. Endorphins, those “feel-good” hormones released during exercise, are real!

Sometimes friends and pursuing goals are not enough and what began as loneliness veers into depression. If you feel overwhelmed, seek help. A professional, outside perspective can help you view life differently.

Loneliness is not a permanent state but only you initiate change. Make the time for things that bring you joy and the richness of your life will overflow. Happiness is magnetic, and while you’re busy living your fabulous life you might find that special person, just like all the magazines say it happens.

Miriam Longobardi is a freelance writer, fourth grade teacher and single mother of two daughters living in Westchester. wA breast cancer survivor, she also volunteers for the American Cancer Society and has completed four marathons. Also, check out her weekly New York Modern Love column at Examiner.com.