The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

relationships

To Tell the Truth

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“Honey, do these pants make me look fat?!”

We’ve all asked it, or some version thereof, of our spouse/partner/significant other. And, of course, we want to hear some version of “no, of course not – they look great on you, my dear!”

But, what if they actually don’t?

And so, the real question is–do we truly want an honest answer? Or do we want our spouse/partner/significant other to tell a little white lie and spare our feelings?

This is the question central to the movie You Hurt My Feelings*, a new film by writer-director Nicole Holofcener starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Tobias Menzies as a perfectly happy couple who share a picture-perfect NYC life. Or are they, and do they? Julia plays Beth, a writer hard at work on a follow-up to her successful memoir. She asks her husband, Don, to read her many drafts and he has nothing but praise for them and for her. But, of course, a movie needs a plot twist, and this one begs the moral question about when and if to tell a loved one what you really think.

I loved this movie, not just because the writing, directing, editing, acting were superb (which they are), not just because, well, Julia is a writer named BETH… lol… and not just because it depicts a certain Manhattan demographic so pitch-perfectly, but because it asks a pretty profound question, examines it in with slice-of-life directness, but still leaves us wondering and causes us to ponder what we would do.

When I was asked for an essay offering “a few pearls of wisdom/anecdotes” of a long-term happy marriage, I had to pause for a moment. Am I really the right person? Do my husband and I belong up on some unlikely pedestal for all to admire? Ha, I laughed to myself, haha, that’s a good one! But, then again, I hedged, we have been together for over 30 years and there’s something to be said for that kind of staying power. Truly, anyone who takes this long and winding commitment road knows that it’s not without its bumps and potholes. That said, it’s in the way we navigate these roadblocks that we find our strengths, figure out how to work together and decide whether we are and can continue to be a happy couple.

Which leads me back to You Hurt My Feelings, a 2023 film which I had the good fortune to see during its premiere screening at the Sundance Film Festival (SFF) this past January. I’ve been an SFF volunteer for the last decade (I actually got my 10-year pin this year), and I just love, love, love it! The excitement and energy are palpable, I’ve met amazing life-long friends, enjoyed parties and swag, and, of course, seen incredible films often with talent on-hand for interesting post-screening Q-and-As. It’s a film-lover’s paradise! And I always go it alone.

Yes, while Stephen and I enjoy watching movies together, he would hate the Sundance traffic, crowds, and lines. My husband has many fine qualities, but patience is simply not one of them. And so, Sundance is my thing. And we’re both fine with that–today.

Fact is, however, at first, this wasn’t a given. Our kids had just grown and flown enough for me to contemplate Sundance. But could I really just take off? On my own? While my poor hubbie went to the office working his insane hours as always? Hmmmm. I definitely sensed a bit of tension, maybe even resentment. But when I asked if he was truly ok with it (i.e., do these pants make me look fat?), he said yes. And so, I made my plans. And the next year, made them again. And so on and so forth until, as the years went on, Stephen started to ask me if I’d made my annual SFF arrangements yet.

Did Stephen honestly mean he was ok with my very first solo SFF plans? Or did he, out of love and generosity, tell me what he knew I wanted to hear? I’ll likely never really know. But I do know I’m glad he said “yes” and that my annual Sundance volunteering stint has become part of the fabric of our lives. Togetherness is a wonderful thing, but so too are personal interests and individual hobbies.

Final thought: I imagine it can get pretty tiring hanging out on a pedestal. I’d rather put that energy into the hard work that is the real brick and mortar of a happy marriage. Cheers to all of us who love, respect, compromise, negotiate, give in, hold out, keep on keeping on 😊!

*You Hurt My Feelings was first screened at the 2023 Sundance Film Festival and was snapped up by A24; I highly recommend!

Welcoming James Carroll: New Castle’s New Police Chief

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Police Chief James Carroll
PHOTO BY RONNI DIAMONDSTEIN

There’s a new Chief in town, but New Castle’s new Police Chief James Carroll is hardly new to New Castle. Carroll was sworn in on June 28th upon the retirement of Chief Charles Ferry. “We chose Jim Carroll based on his experience. Chief Carroll has more than 15 years of police supervisory experience. He has been, and will continue to be, an asset to the Town,” said Town Supervisor Robert Greenstein about the Board’s decision to promote Carroll.

Carroll lived in the Bronx until he was five years old and then moved to Dutchess County where he still lives. He has a Bachelor’s degree in Business from Marist College and worked briefly as a claims adjuster until he began his law enforcement career in April 1990 as a Dutchess County Deputy Sherriff.

In October 1993, Carroll joined the New Castle Police Department as a police officer. He trained new police officers for five years, was promoted to Sergeant in 2004, and then Lieutenant in 2016. “I didn’t know that I wanted to be Chief. I always wanted to move up in the ranks because I thought I could help shape the department. The further I got up, the further I wanted to go,” says Carroll.

Vicki Bergstrom whose family owns Lange’s Little Store has known Carroll since he started in New Castle. “It’s nice to see him rise through the ranks. He’s always been a great part of the community.”

“Service is our goal and primary function,” says Carroll. “I’d like to make this town the safest, and provide the best possible police service in the County or anywhere.” He is proud of his accomplishments to date that include increased productivity of traffic enforcement and community checks. “I want people to know that if they have a problem they should call. I tell the officers that if the phone rings I want a police officer to go speak to the caller.  Sometimes it’s not a police matter, but we can talk to them and maybe steer them in the right direction, and that helps.”

Chief Carroll hosted his first “Coffee With A Cop” on Saturday, July 27, 2019 at Lange’s Little Store in Chappaqua with plans for one soon in the west end of the town. (L-R): Lt. James Dumser, Caroline Wood, Chief James Carroll, Nate Wood and Lt. Estuardo Pazmino. PHOTO BY RONNI DIAMONDSTEIN

Strengthening Relationships in the Community

Carroll is pleased with his good relationships with fellow first responders. “Jim has always brought a sense of calmness to his role as a police officer and his presence at emergency scenes is not only comforting to the residents, but the first responders as well,” says Chappaqua Fire Chief Russell Maitland. “We are very lucky to have someone like Jim at the helm of our police department.”

Carroll has also developed a strong relationship with the school district. Amy Kaiser, a Chappaqua teacher met Carroll when she was Greeley’s faculty advisor for the annual Relay for Life.  “For the first time, we decided to hold the event at the Bell field, which we knew would require lots of support from our police department. Lt. Carroll was totally supportive and a true pleasure to work with.  He and his officers were on-site throughout the evening, ensuring the event was safe and successful.”

A priority for Carroll is to have full-time school resource officers, one in the high school, one in each middle school, or one for both middle schools, and he’s working with the school district to get that done.

“We’re here as a resource to help and guide. We want to have a relationship with students so they feel comfortable and can go talk to an officer. If you do it with the kids when they are young, it helps with their social and emotional growth.”

As Chief, Carroll’s increased responsibilities include personnel selection, promotions and the budget. “You’re responsible for things that no one else is, and for everyone in the department from detective sergeants to the civilian staff.” He knows he will face some challenges. “Recruiting and selecting officers are more difficult these days. Fewer people are interested in going into law enforcement as a career.”

On the Horizon for the Police Department

Going forward, Carroll wants to improve their social media presence on Facebook and Twitter to give the department more transparency. “There are a lot of things we do that people don’t know about. We have a brand new police car, and we’ve reunited lost dogs with their owners.” He’d also like to build relationships with the officers and the community. “I want to do ‘Coffee with a Cop,’ ‘Coffee with the Chief,’ have an open house, and bring back the bike and motorcycle patrols.” says Carroll.

Carroll is grateful to his predecessor. “Chief Ferry has been a great mentor, co-worker, leader and friend. I wouldn’t be here now without him. It’s exciting to take over and put my own stamp on it.”

Seeking a Committed Relationship

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Publishing in any new town is a little like dating. I’m courting an entire community and it’s impossible to tell exactly how things will turn out…

I can just put my best foot forward and hope for the best. But please know I’m looking for a long term, committed (publishing!) relationship right now!

Speaking of dating, about a dozen years ago, I had a first date in a quaint trattoria in beautiful Briarcliff Manor, just far away enough from Chappaqua, my hometown, for my comfort level. I’ve always been aware of all the great shops, eateries and amenities just a stone’s throw from where I live. There have been many workouts at the beloved Club Fit, and quite a few pieces of my wardrobe are from March Boutique, a perfect place to choose an outfit for date, and a local gem spotlighted as a first ‘lifestyles’ feature for this magazine.

Without a doubt too, Briarcliff Manor is also a vibrant community of families deeply committed to their schools, ‘the joy of school theater’ (see our end page ‘etcetera’ essay!), to a healthy and bucolic natural environment (as anyone who has ever visited the Edith Macy Conference Center can attest!), fascinating people (like “The Points Kid”) and as I’ll continue to communicate… to so much more!

I have been successfully publishing for 16 years. I’ve always been fortunate to work with a stellar team, talented contributors and continuous merchant support. I decided being empty nest, that it was time to introduce the Inside Press brand a little more widely. So, after launching first Inside Chappaqua, then Inside Armonk, then Inside Pleasantville, this shiny new edition of Inside Briarcliff & Ossining was born.

While I was conceiving it, I met with the head of the Briarcliff Manor Chamber of Commerce, Mike Milano, and we talked about the businesses along North State Road, ‘on the main drag’ on Pleasantville Road, and the challenges small businesses face in a digital age. I’m right in the thick of those challenges myself, and I look forward to working together to help small and medium size business thrive with both our print and online options at theinsidepress.com, and in social media! We aim to keep if fun and interesting, too.

I’m not a stranger to Ossining either. Over the years, I’ve enjoyed several wonderful dining experiences there, whether authentic Spanish fare, or at Ossining’s famous river restaurant, the Boathouse, and most recently, I’ve checked out the newest entry to waterfront dining, the 3 Westerly. I also consumed much coffee at First Village Coffee, taking breaks from my footsteps in pulling this first issue together! One time, I even discussed the possibility of running a pub together with a friend, who happens to be a karaoke dj. Ossining immediately came to mind. We’d call it Sing Sing, of course. We never pursued it. When I heard that the Sing Sing Kill Brewery had opened, I thought: great minds think alike and trust me that I’m ‘in’ for a night of enjoying karaoke or open mics as soon as I can create more down time!

Inside Tappan Hill Mansion to support the Ossining Children’s Center Gala

Ossining, I must say, is a barrel of Earthy fun, from its fabulous Earth Day festival to its festive and bountiful Farmers Market. I’m also very proud this debut issue spotlights the Ossining Children’s Center, its mission and fundraising goals to create a much needed new home. I also had fun meeting and listening to so many inspiring people at the OCC’s spring gala.

Please also note our ‘Gotta Have Arts’ coverage highlighting the cutting edge Westchester Collaborative Theatre, sharing news of the upcoming Ossining Jazz Festival at the Elks Lodge, and highlighting an upcoming June exhibit at the Bethany Arts Center–a place I’m looking forward to exploring further, too.

In short, I tried my very best to capture various happenings, slices of life– touch of the flavor, if you will–in each of your engaging towns. Feel free to tell me how we did! Let’s solidify our relationship! Please feel free to write to grace@insidepress.com.

 

P.S. June is my favorite month! It’s my ‘down time’ between late spring and back to school publishing and with all the great weather, I make the most of it!  Happy Graduations to all the new graduates; have two fairly recent ones of my own (they are 22 and 27, and I’ll think of them that way ‘till they turn 30!)  Happy Father’s Day to all the dads! My own amazing ‘Poppy’ recently passed away at age 96, so it is a first for me without him. I’m going to spend it honoring his memory on a long walk whether in a beautiful preserve, or perhaps now, along the river. Enjoy the edition, and June, too.

Community Matters: Mindful Advice on Conflict Resolution

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mywayBy Jodi Baretz

Conflicts can be personal, community-based, global. They can cover all sorts of topics and divide us in a variety of ways. Conflict is part of the human condition, and, while inevitable, is healthy and normal too. However, just as we all experience conflict in different and unique ways, so too do we go about resolving our issues using a variety of methods and manners. Often, it is not the conflict itself, but the resolution process that determines the outcome and impacts our ongoing thoughts and feelings.

Gathering ideas from different viewpoints can be informative and helpful. Town meetings and, more recently, social media are great ways to share ideas and come together; however, there are challenges as well. Emotions and tensions can run high at the meetings, and words and posts can be misconstrued on social media.

Social media is a wonderful resource, but it can also be a place where tension and conflict arise. Local online forums (whether Chappaqua, Armonk, Mount Pleasant or others) reflect community interest in a range of helpful to hot-button topics such as coyotes, community pools, dog curbing, train track crossings and future developments like that of Chappaqua Crossing. It is wonderful that we all have opinions, but pausing to think about how we express them is critical.

When we respond too quickly, based on emotion, we often regret it. Creating space between stimulus and response can make a huge difference. Victor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, writes: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” Before you respond to conflict, you may want to stop and ask yourself–am I being clear and respectful? What am I really reacting to here? Is it the issue itself or is this personal? When have I felt like this before? Craig Ferguson, late-night host and comedian, had this to say on communicating with his ex-wife: He asks himself, “does this need to be said, does this need to be said by me, does this need to said by me right now?”

The ability to create space sounds great in theory, but in the moment can be difficult to attain. It takes a lot of practice and we are always a work in progress. Personally, I work on this through meditation and mindfulness, but still have moments where I forget to pause. Just recently, I reacted to a situation, without the pause, and ended up hurting someone I care about and regretting my actions. After apologizing, I immediately tried to use this experience as a way to understand myself and uncover what triggered me. Even though it was a less than ideal response, it was an opportunity to examine my behavior in a compassionate non-judgmental way, understand that I am human and that I make mistakes. Hopefully, this will lead to growth, healing and forgiveness, and it won’t happen again.

We all have different triggers depending on our past experiences and how we were raised. People can have varying reactions to the exact same stimulus. We tend not to be open to new ideas and beliefs and only really “see” the ones that we agree with, what we already know to be true. If we can drop our ego when conflict arises, and try to understand what exactly we are reacting to, as well as the other viewpoint, we will be more effective at coming to a resolution. Understanding, rather than accusing, goes a long way in conflict resolution. This does not mean you have to agree with the other side or condone their viewpoint or actions. We are usually protecting something that means a lot to us when we are fighting for it; for example, it is likely that a wildlife conservationist and small dog owner will have different opinions regarding the coyotes in our midst. Opening to what the other person is fighting for can really help with reaching a compromise. It will make you more effective in your position. Can we learn to see our experiences through a wider lens?

When we engage in conflict and get angry at others, it often results in stress and inner turmoil. We want to get our point across, but when we fight, we end up harming ourselves. We may feel wronged, disrespected, misunderstood, but holding on to anger and hostility can affect us more than our adversary. I tell my clients to try to let things go and forgive selfishly. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it kills your enemies. “

The open exchange of ideas is what all relationships are built upon. Understanding another’s perspective makes us better leaders and more effective problem solvers. Thinking about why we are triggered by certain issues can be useful, give us insight, and help us respond rather than react. Coming together, we accomplish more; cooperation rather than discord. In the end, we want the same thing, a prosperous vibrant community.

Jodi is a psychotherapist and holistic health coach with a private practice at The Center for Health and Healing in Mt. Kisco. She runs a variety of mindfulness workshops and small groups. Jodi helps “stressed out” adults manage the challenges of daily life and build harmonious relationships with their kids, spouses, bodies and themselves, so they live with more joy, peace and fulfillment.

What Have You Done For You, Lately?

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“Friends keep me sane and grounded,” says Miriam. To the left of Miriam (l-r): Buddies Amy Mittelstadt, Jennifer Cahill and Genine Coccoli DiFalco.
“Friends keep me sane and grounded,” says Miriam. To the left of Miriam (l-r): Buddies Amy Mittelstadt, Jennifer Cahill and Genine Coccoli DiFalco.

Are you in a holding pattern caused by loneliness? Anyone can experience the painful awareness of not connecting with others–married or single.  Strong, competent women rationalize being treated poorly by awful men to avoid loneliness. Others in healthy relationships feel isolated by the lack of true friendships outside that relationship. Loneliness is a state of mind that can be changed by connecting with yourself first.

My most profound loneliness was being in a marriage I had outgrown.  After being married several years with two young children, I had drifted away from many of the friends I had growing up and in my early 20s. My emotions were in turmoil and I had nobody in whom to confide. Despite our sporadic socializing we reconnected immediately and I began rebuilding other friendships I had neglected over the years. My friends gave me strength to pursue my divorce and that step empowered me to start questioning what I want to do with the rest of my life.

If you are not doing things to fulfill all parts of your self–intellectually, physically, and spiritually–you are not truly living. For years, I coasted on auto pilot. I worked, took care of my kids and collapsed exhausted each night. I realized I wanted more and started setting goals. I have the same 24 hours in my day as anyone and I work full time,  juggle the busy lives of two teenage girls and my own social life, yet I don’t just come to life on weekends. I ensure there are things I do for my mind, body and soul each day. What have you done for you lately?

Dinners and nights out with my friends are a given, but I belong to the Jacob Burns Film Center and enjoy seeing films alone.  Running makes me feel good and that led to running marathons. Travelling the world alone connects me deeply to the moment and myself–quite the opposite of lonely.  Between family, work, travelling and socializing, I met a guy.  We clicked instantly and became involved. While happily enjoying my life I met someone, exactly how all the magazines said it would happen.  My happiness was short-lived, however, when things ended abruptly six months later. Yes, I was sad, but I rechannelled that sadness into a freelance writing career which fulfils me creatively.  Changing grade levels after 18 years challenged me professionally.

Can I pursue all things, all the time? No. Life is a balancing act. Deciding to learn a new curriculum meant publishing fewer articles, but planning new, creative lessons and teaching older students fulfills me in new ways.  Some weeks I’m too busy to run as much as I ‘d like so I read or watch a movie.  Actively pursuing things I enjoy gives me more energy than I had as a young mother, and strong friendships transcend any romantic relationship.  So how can you reconnect with yourself and your old friends?

  • Take that first step. Send that message to someone you have been meaning to contact.  Suggest after work drinks with colleagues and widen your social network.
  • Join a social website. Meetup.com has groups for any interest. Some are geared toward singles but I suggest finding groups geared to your own interests or create your own group!
  •  Select an interest or two and devise a plan. If it’s travel, calculate costs and plan your trip. Thinking about learning a language, or taking a cooking or photography class? Check out Chappaqua Continuing Education or other community or city options.
  • Exercise regularly. Vary your exercise routine to avoid a plateau and remain physically challenged.  Don’t belong to a gym? Put on headphones and go for a walk.  Endorphins, those “feel-good” hormones released during exercise, are real!

Sometimes friends and pursuing goals are not enough and what began as loneliness veers into depression.  If you feel overwhelmed, seek help. A professional, outside perspective can help you view life differently.

Loneliness is not a permanent state but only you initiate change. Make the time for things that bring you joy and the richness of your life will overflow.  Happiness is magnetic, and while you’re busy living your fabulous life you might find that special person, just like all the magazines say it happens.

Miriam Longobardi is a freelance writer, fourth grade teacher and single mother of two daughters living in Westchester.  wA breast cancer survivor, she also volunteers for the American Cancer Society and has completed four marathons.  Also, check out her weekly New York Modern Love column  at Examiner.com.