The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

Michelle Lewis

On the Precipice: Choosing to End Your Marriage AND Preserve Your Family

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And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Anais Nin (quoted in Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow by Elizabeth Lesser)

Well darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable
And lightness has a call that’s hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety ’til I sank it
I’m crawling on your shores

The Indigo Girls, Closer to Fine

By Neil Kozek, Esq. and Michelle Lewis, Esq.

No matter how we feel about our marriage, choosing to divorce can be terrifying. Remaining in an intact nuclear family is a source of tremendous comfort, providing stability, certainty, and social acceptance that may feel impossible to replicate outside its confines.

On the other side of divorce, we may be unable to imagine that an exciting, rewarding, or happy new life awaits us. While that new life may present opportunities to realize our most desired and passionate dreams for ourselves, the fear of the unknown may also be a source of mystery and anxiety. Peering over the edge of our known lives, we may only be capable of seeing darkness. Should we jump into the icy waters of the unknown? Or should we stay in our lives, unfulfilled, but safe? 

There is something about ending our marriage that frightens us to our core: if we are not a member of our family unit, not someone’s wife or husband, then who are we? If we do not share a home with our children every day of their childhoods, are we still a full-fledged parent? The prospect of divorce may fill us with shame and guilt as well as uncertainty.

Another obstacle to making the decision to divorce is our fear of the divorce process itself. We have all known or heard about family, friends, and even celebrities who have been consumed by their divorces, their lives going up in bitter flames of hate, judgment, and disgrace. We have heard the cautionary tales about attorneys who prey on vulnerable clients, promising them the sun, the moon and the stars, and their spouse’s head on a spit, only to leave them alienated from their own children, broke, and bereft. Sometimes it feels like even the most uncomplicated divorces become unnecessarily nasty, expensive, and protracted.

A traditional divorce process can give the more monied spouse the ability to exercise financial control by withholding support, transferring or wasting assets, and engaging in soul crushing litigation over every issue. Likewise, it can give the primary caregiver of the children the opportunity to play the role of victim, persuading the children that the other parent is selfish, cruel, or even dangerous. These fears are not unfounded, and many families unwittingly find themselves crushed and broken by the powerful tides of divorce litigation.

We have all heard that children whose parents are divorced come from “broken” homes. Parents who are divorced are “single” parents. The prevalent images in our culture surrounding divorced families are images of sad and unsupervised children, torn between embittered, frazzled and lonely parents. It is common knowledge that these children are at risk for educational, social, and emotional distress and failure to reach their potential. Who would choose this for their children? Persuaded by these pervasive images and beliefs, it is understandable that many unhappy couples have decided that the price of personal freedom at the potential expense of their children’s wellbeing is too high. Staying married seems to be the safest course.

Divorce, however, does not have to extract this kind of cost. Not only can you eschew the highly adversarial litigation process; if you and your spouse are aligned, you can preserve your family and protect your children’s wellbeing. Closing the door on the chapter of your lives in which you lived under one roof is certainly painful and sad, but it is not the end of your family’s story. As one door closes, a new one opens, and you and your spouse can begin a new chapter as co-parents in separate homes who support one another and coordinate your children’s care with maturity and respect.

The first and most important step is to have a frank discussion with your spouse about your decision to end the marriage and your goal of doing so in an out of court process that preserves and strengthens your ability to parent your children together. If you can agree on these goals, then the next step for each of you is finding and selecting an attorney who understands and supports your goals. Look for attorneys trained in collaborative divorce or mediation, as they will have the necessary tools, techniques, skills, commitment, and experience to help you restructure your family without destroying one another or your children.

In collaborative divorce, you and your spouse will meet with your attorneys and often will work as part of a team with a financial neutral and a trained mental health professional. Collaborative divorce may appeal to you if you want to have an attorney safeguarding your interests in the room during negotiations, if your finances are complex and the knowledge you and your spouse have about the finances is unequal, or if you feel that overwhelmingly strong emotions might derail a settlement without the assistance of a trained professional.

In mediation, you and your spouse will typically meet with a mediator who does not represent either of you but is trained to facilitate dialogue concerning your interests and to assist you in generating and choosing the best options to settle your case. Mediation is particularly well suited to couples who share financial information, have comparable levels of financial sophistication, and have some reservoir of trust in one another. It can also be an excellent choice for couples who substantially agree on parenting issues or whose children are grown. Be mindful that mediated agreements should always be reviewed by independent attorneys for each spouse. In either process, trust is going to be an important factor.

So as you stand uncomfortably on what may feel like the precipice of a high cliff, whipped by the winds of indecision as to whether to leave your marriage, know that if you decide to plunge, you do not have to be shattered on the rocks or tossed by the frothy waves below. If you and your spouse choose your attorneys and your divorce process wisely, you can successfully separate with dignity and respect, your relationships with your children intact and your finances preserved.

Mr. Kozek is a litigator, collaborative attorney, and founding member of Kramer Kozek LLP, a boutique Matrimonial Law Firm practicing in suburban and metropolitan New York City. He is a Fellow of both the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) and International Academy of Family Lawyers (IAFL), a pioneer of New York’s trend toward out-of-court dispute resolution which includes founding the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals (NYACP )and serving on the Board of Directors of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP). Mr. Kozek has been recognized in Best Lawyers in America, Top 25 attorneys in Westchester County, and is rated “AV” by Martindale Hubble as pre-eminent in both ethical standards and legal ability. He lectures and has written extensively on the topics of divorce, Collaborative Practice and Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR).

Ms. Lewis is also a member of Kramer Kozek LLP where she concentrates her practice exclusively on Matrimonial and Family Law matters, focusing on Collaborative Divorce, Mediation, Mediation Review and Litigation. She currently serves on the Board of Directors of the NYACP. Ms. Lewis began her career in ADR while focusing on Family Law and earning her Juris Doctorate from Harvard University prior to joining Kramer Kozek.  Ms. Lewis recently received accolades for her pro bono service to separated and divorcing spouses from the Legal Services of the Hudson Valley. Ms. Lewis has been practicing law since 1998.

Mr. Kozek and Ms. Lewis are both active members of the Family Law Sections of multiple bar associations including the Westchester County, Westchester County Women’s, American and the New York and New Jersey State Bar Associations. Both have been recognized for their achievements in Collaborative and Family Law by New York Metro Super Lawyers.

For additional information about Neil and Michelle or to learn more about Kramer Kozek LLP, their website is kramerkozek.com and the firm’s main number is 914-683-3500. 

 

 

 

 

Mission Possible: The Key to Better Communication with your Ex-Spouse During COVID

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How to Avoid Old Patterns and Create ‘Meaningful Dialogue’ During this Challenging Time

By Michelle H. Lewis, Esq.

These days, everyone is stressed and anxious. Fear for our health and the health of our loved ones, concern for our financial security, and uncertainty about the future are rampant. Our nerves are on edge, and there are reports of surging domestic violence, anxiety, insomnia, and depression as we struggle to right ourselves in these choppy seas. Raising children struggling to adapt to digital classrooms, coping with physical isolation from their peers, and dealing with the disappointments of cancelled parties and shuttered summer camps, presents an added complication for adults responsible for their care.

For divorced parents, there is yet another set of challenges. Former spouses are likely experiencing similar or even more challenging difficulties. Like most of us, former spouses may not be fully aware of the physical, emotional, or financial health of one another.  Yet we still must support our children and safely transition them back and forth between two homes even when our patience is wearing thin.

This situation is ripe for conflict and is contributing to the many calls divorce attorneys are receiving to help navigate this increasing acrimony. Conflicts about differing levels of adherence to social distancing, disputes over the level of supervision children need in their digital learning, disagreements about the amount of screen time appropriate under the current circumstances, and about the content of that screen time abound. While these dilemmas are “day to day decisions,” which in most divorce agreements are to be decided by the parent charged with supervision of the children on any given day, they feel like “life or death” decisions with the potential for grave consequences for even the most minor mis-step. Courts are being asked to resolve conflicts about these issues by the dozens. But is the court system the right place to bring these conflicts?

Our normal manner of arguing leaves separated and former spouses furious and self-righteous. We assume we know what happened, and our point of view is the only “right” one. We also have a powerful tendency to believe we know the intentions of the person who “wronged” us, and inevitably ascribe evil intentions to them. When people in conflict are divorced, we fall into old patterns that reaffirm our ex’s deficiencies and confirm our cognitive biases of former spouses’ selfish and malevolent intentions. Adding fuel to the fire, when children are involved, parents may use arguments to subconsciously or deliberately play the victim or the “good parent” while vilifying the other parent.

How can we keep disagreements from blowing up into co-parenting disasters? There is a  method of turning arguments into meaningful dialogues developed by lecturers at the Harvard Negotiation Project[1],  whereby divorced or separated parents can turn destructive dynamics on their head and significantly improve their communication. This method can help parents in conflict shift away from ascribing blame and turn toward a stance of curiosity about what happened; to ask questions rather than jump to conclusions and to explore the motivations of the other parent before responding. To employ this method in your relationship, ask yourself these three questions next time you have an argument or want to prepare for a challenging conversation with your former spouse:

  1. What happened?

We tend to assume the answer to this question is obvious, and that we know what happened and why something went wrong.  Imagine this example: Your ex-husband dropped off the kids over thirty minutes late on Sunday night, again. As he turned to leave after they rushed through the front door, you told him off for being “selfish and thoughtless, as always.” He gave you the finger and sped off.  It is evident to you that he doesn’t care enough about their bedtime routines to get them home on time, and he certainly doesn’t care that you rushed back from the grocery store just to make sure you could be there in time. You muse that he probably brought the kids home late again just to get a rise out of you. He has no respect for you, for your feelings or for your time.

But what if your story about what happened is wrong? What if your ex was late because your six year old could not find her favorite stuffed rabbit “Bunny” when it was time to leave, and he spent half an hour on his hands and knees looking under every piece of furniture while she sobbed? What if you learned that something similar happens every time  it is time to leave his home to return to yours?

If you can remember to ask what happened instead of jumping to blame, you might learn new facts– he was over 30 minutes late dropping off the kids, AND he spent 30 minutes looking for Bunny. More importantly, you will learn that despite the genuine negative impact on you – you rushed home only to sit around waiting – your former spouse lacked nefarious intent.

  1. Whose Fault Is It?

When a former spouse has done something that has hurt or angered us, and we are SURE that he or she did it on purpose (or at least carelessly), most of us are quick to ascribe blame. It is natural to assume that because your ex-spouse’s actions or inaction have negatively IMPACTED you, he or she must have INTENDED to cause that impact. 

When we blame someone, we are passing judgment.  Passing judgment on our exes can feel especially satisfying, yielding more evidence of their deficiencies and OUR justified anger. This is called “confirmation bias”.

After most divorces, there are strong feelings that underlie the judgments we make about our former partners. We usually blame them more than ourselves for the issues in the relationship that led to divorce. When something upsetting happens surrounding co-parenting, it retriggers intense feelings of anger, frustration, hurt, sadness, or even guilt.  It is essential to recognize when this happens and to notice how feelings from the past can exacerbate our reactions. Becoming aware of these old patterns of blame is the first step toward avoiding discord in the future.

  1. How Might You Have Contributed to the Problem?

If we can learn to recognize that there are two sides to “What happened?” (and there are almost ALWAYS two sides), and we are prepared to admit that despite the negative impact of our ex-spouse’s actions, we cannot KNOW their intentions without asking, it is time to take a step back to examine our own actions. What could we have done differently? What did we do that might have made things worse?

Take the example above  in which your ex-husband was late dropping off the kids. An expression of curiosity and genuine concern instead of reflexive blame might have forestalled an argument and a flip of the middle finger.  There would have been room for a more constructive conversation, possibly leading to an improvement in co-parenting.

Imagine this time you DID ask what happened. After hearing about the long search for Bunny, you could let your ex-spouse know the impact on you. “You know, when you were late, and I was sitting here waiting after I rushed home to be in time for the girls, I was furious and frustrated.” You might also share that something similar often happens  when you are trying to leave the house with the kids.  Once your ex doesn’t feel attacked, he is much more likely to hear your concerns and to  give you the courtesy of a call next time, or even to start the packing up process a little sooner. 

Now more than ever, effective communication is critical for divorced couples with children. When so much of the ground beneath our children and us is shifting, developing better communication is the key to successful co-parenting and staying out of court.  So next time your ex does something that leaves you seeing red, remember to stop before you act:

  • Ask to hear their side of the story. Be curious.
  • Ask why they acted the way they did; don’t assume bad intentions.
  • Tell them about the impact on you but try to avoid blame.
  • Ask yourself how your actions contributed to the issue. Engage in a conversation about both of your contributions to the problem.

If you can remember to plan for conversations that have the potential to turn into heated arguments using this simple guide, you will likely find your co-parenting relationship improves dramatically. Do we really need the court system for this?

[1] Difficult Conversations (1999) by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen.

Michelle H. Lewis, Esq. is a partner with Kramer Kozek LLP focusing her practice on collaborative divorce, mediation, mediation review, and litigation since 2006. Building her reputation on settling high conflict and complicated financial matters, Ms. Lewis also serves on the Board of Directors of the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals and is a member of the Westchester Women’s Bar Association and the New York State Bar Association Family Law Sections. She is recognized as a New York Metropolitan Super Lawyer and received the Pro Bono Award from the Legal Services of the Hudson Valley in 2017.

Ms. Lewis graduated with honors from Harvard Law School, where she focused her studies on family law, negotiation, and divorce mediation. Prior to Harvard Law School, Ms. Lewis earned her undergraduate degree from Columbia College and a master’s degree from Yale in international relations. In 2003, Ms. Lewis earned two graduate certificates from New York University in life coaching and small business coaching. She has been a member of the bar of the State of New York for 22 years.

For additional information about Michelle or to learn more about Kramer Kozek LLP, their website is kramerkozek.com and the firm’s main number is 914-683-3500.