The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

success

What You Should Know about Bioidentical Hormone Pellet Therapy

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Courtesy of Living True Wellness

1. 90% of menopausal patients obtain relief from hot flashes and night sweats

2. Nearly 75% of all women receive relief from their symptoms of irritability, anxiety, and depression

3. Sexual libido or desire is restored in 75% of women

4. Good cholesterol (HDL) rises in about half the time

5. Estrogen levels are more consistent than with use of a transdermal estradiol patch

6. More success in losing weight

7. Improved muscle and joint pains

8. Migraine relief

9. Increase in energy levels

10. No “rollercoaster” rides of good days and bad days as compared to oral/topical/injectables

Visit us at LivingTrueWellnessNY.com

Understanding the Key Ingredients for a Successful Marriage

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When you commit to marriage, you intend to take on the most meaningful project of your life.  All projects take work but why are some couples happy and others miserable in the process? While chemistry and romance play a part some couples work together more successfully than others. Being open to the following ways of relating is likely why.

Paying Attention

When you pay attention to each other, you become aware of each other’s moods and preferences. Paying attention to each other’s thoughts and feelings enables you both to intuit and address each of your needs. When you feel seen and heard by your partner, you feel valued and special.

Considering Differences

Opposites tend to attract. Your personalities may be complementary, but they also may be polarizing. When they are polarizing, you feel angry and frustrated. Rather than try to prove your way is better, think about why you approach the same problem so differently. Just the effort of considering rather than judging your partner’s point of view will likely feel very meaningful to him or her. Sometimes a husband or wife asks me dumbfounded, “Why can’t my spouse do it the way I would?” Asking a question instead of reaming your spouse for doing it “wrong” engenders a discussion.

Feedback is helpful. Criticism is alienating. When your spouse makes an accusation or complaint it is quite helpful to consider whether it has some validity. You can then decide if you are wed to your way or wed to your spouse.

Working as a Team

Teamwork is about good communication, patience, and encouragement while combining your skills to work together toward a mutual goal. It involves listening, considering what has been expressed, and responding with ideas that take into account both of your perspectives.  Sometimes arguing is necessary to find solutions, but arguing to hurt or prove the other person wrong is hurtful and divisive.

The experience of love and hate in the process of finding a mutually satisfying solution actually keeps relationships vital.  If you stay on the same side believing that you both have good intentions you will be kinder to each other. A happy marriage requires negotiation and at least some compromise. Finding a mutually gratifying solution or taking turns giving in allows you to recognize and appreciate the sacrifices you make for one another.

If you feel alienated, it’s likely one or both of you is engaging in unhealthy ways of coping. Inflexibility, giving up, blaming others, denying problems or abusing alcohol and drugs are some examples of unhealthy coping. One trap is turning to friends or family to gain support for negative feelings toward your spouse. More often than not this increases defensiveness, arguing and discord.

Giving and Gratitude

The spirit of giving and gratitude also works to keep couples together. Expressing appreciation for the ways in which you prioritize meeting each other’s needs engenders positive feeling. Expressing gratitude for the ways you take care of your household together can make chores feel less burdensome. Feeling taken for granted, results in withholding, anger and hopelessness. A relationship based on giving and gratitude and shared responsibility engenders cycles of reciprocity rather than resentment.

Being Flexible

If you both stay flexible, conflicts resolve more easily. Try to think about why you may be holding hard and fast to a belief. If you both dig in your heels and fight about whose way is right, it will be harder to resolve the problem. If either spouse asserts: “I am not going to change. You need to accept me for who I am,” he or she is not working toward the greater goal of mutual happiness. Unhappy couples are resigned to the idea that “people do not change” so they act and react to each with anger, passive aggression, stubbornness, and resignation.

Offering Friendship

Ask yourself what do you like about friendship? Companionship, laughter, support, fun, and good natured competition are typical answers. Good natured competition means the goal is to admire the winner and take losing in stride. Couples that spend time together sharing activities like playing a sport or even watching a TV series feel identified and connected. Spouses who share the benefits of friendship are happier.

Couples who succeed are the ones who face life challenges feeling like a good team. If you resolve your conflicts, generate solutions together, and reach your mutual goals, you will continue to feel satisfied and happy in your marriage. When you value each other, and enjoy each other, you know you are better together than apart.

Danika Altman, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice with adolescents, adults, and couples. She also works as a management skills and interview preparation coach. She has offices in Pleasantville, NY, and in Manhattan.

What are we Teaching our Children About Winning & Losing?

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By Danika Altman, Ph.D.

Most of us believe our message to our children is: “Do your best.” But the implicit message may be: “You need to be the best.” We are a community of achievers with high expectations for our children. We want our children to replicate our success. We employ coaches and tutors to help, but by doing so we may also be conveying “You must do well.” The problem is that this message may be causing anxiety and win-at-all-costs attitudes in our children.

An overemphasis on winning neglects the valuable lessons that are learned from losing. It is painful and humbling. In order for our children to cope with losing, they must feel compassion for themselves. When we face our failures, compassion and support gives us a chance to rebound. Compassion for ourselves despite our flaws and mistakes is the way we endure criticism and grow. Alternatively, judgment and negativity after a failure often leads to anxiety, depression, aggression, quitting or poor performance.

In the U.S. Open Tennis final, Novak Djokovic gave us a good example of his need to win-at-all-costs. He called for a medic just before Stan Wawrinka’s turn to serve rather than before his own, and a game short of the changeover. The announcers alluded to this being poor sportsmanship. Wawrinka had momentum, and the six-minute hiatus could have caused him to lose focus but–despite it–he won the title. What makes this interesting is Djokovic and Wawrinka are friends, but will Wawrinka ever trust Djokovic again?

We have fortunately many opportunities to teach our children about sportsmanship and friendship. We have likely overheard children posturing, saying things like: “I’m the best at soccer and so and so is next.” If children brag to feel powerful by inducing envy in their friends, they will not likely have many successful friendships. We should teach our children that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. We should help them focus on their strengths and improving their weaknesses rather than on other children’s weaknesses to feel good about themselves. An excellent exercise in self-esteem building for children is to have them compliment someone who needs improvement in a particular skill. It creates positive feeling and connection rather than “power” at another child’s expense.

When we face our failures, compassion and support gives us a chance to rebound.

Children are experts at reading their parent’s reactions. If we express anger that our children have made the B team instead of the A team, they feel that they have failed, when in fact they have an opportunity to grow.

If we point out the number of children our children have to beat to get to the top of the tennis ladder, we are sending the message: “I will not be satisfied until you get there.” If we express disappointment when our children receive a poor grade on an exam, the message is “only an A makes you acceptable to me.”

Parents who criticize their children, their children’s teammates or coaches, create anxiety. They are teaching their children that their weaknesses will be seen and judged by others. When children feel shamed, they feel resentment toward their parents, rather than a desire to improve. Instead, empathic statements about how hard it is to be on the playing field or score As on tests are very valuable. Our children want to know that we support them and their friends despite setbacks. Empathy for their struggles empowers them to be resilient and self-confident. It enables them to work through their own disappointments without quitting or doubting themselves.

We abhor losing because it makes us feel pain and vulnerability but it also gives us  opportunity to build self-esteem. If we help our children to see that we have been there and pushed through, we become role models for how to rebound. If we help our children view failures as something that happen to all of us but do not define who we are, they might even accept a bit of advice. If our children see our confidence in their ability to work hard and our compassion for their pain, we give them the strength and determination to try again.

In a Ted Talk, Julie Lythcott Haims reports the Harvard Grant Study shows that the best predictor of success in adulthood is not athletic ability or grades. It is the number of chores one did in childhood.  A greater number of chores is correlated with taking initiative and contributing to the greater good at work. We all know that working with colleagues is equally as important for success as surpassing them.

If our implicit message to our children is that they have to win, they may not be developing confidence, compassion, humility and resilience in the process of growing up.

If instead, we help our children reach their goals by supporting their strengths while having compassion for their weaknesses, they will hopefully have the self-esteem to do their best.

Danika Altman, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice with adolescents, adults and couples. She specializes in adolescent anxiety, depression, and identity development. She also works as a coach for students on college and employment interviews. She has offices in Pleasantville and Manhattan.