The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

COVID

The Corona Chronicles: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

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Creative pursuits: A lemonade stand with proceeds going to frontline healthcare workers

This past February my neighbor and I drove to the city with our kids to see National Geographic Encounter’s Ocean Odyssey. As we sped down the Saw Mill, she asked me if I’ve been following the news about a new virus called COVID-19 that originated in China and was now raging through Italy. Yes, I had heard murmurings but the illness was somewhere else not on our shores. “Buy toilet paper, Purell and plenty of wine,” she said. Thank goodness for well-informed neighbors.

Now that my kids have completed iLearning, I’ve had the time to reflect on how COVID has impacted our family. Each family has had their own struggles living in the “new normal” and this is a glimpse into ours.

The Good

Let’s start with the good. Life pre-COVID, our life was in the fast lane–running from one activity to the next from after school activities to birthday parties to playdates. COVID put that to an abrupt halt and our lives have slowed down significantly. My mom always admonishes me saying that we run ourselves ragged. “You didn’t have a million after school activities and you turned out ok.” Hmm, maybe she has a point.

Isolation forces your kids to come up with their own entertainment when they weren’t on devices. I’ve enjoyed watching my kid’s creativity blossom from making a lemonade stand to raise money for frontline healthcare workers to devising carnival day in our house, my kids have created fun options that don’t even cost a cent. Having weekends devoid of activities, we’ve had a chance to explore treasures in our backyard with hikes at Ward Pound Ridge and Pruyn Sanctuary.

We’ve had more time together and one of the best things about this has been our ability to have dinner as a family every night. With my husband’s long hours in the office and frequent business trips, we sometimes managed to only have dinner as a family once or twice a week and I’ve always wanted more of them – but be careful what you wish for. I’m up to my eyeballs in dirty dishes with everyone home 24/7.

The Bad

I am not a patient person and some of my most harrowing moments of this pandemic has been iLearning. I realize how fortunate I am – I haven’t lost loved ones or have a job that puts my life at risk during this pandemic but iLearning has tested every fabric of my being. I had to sit down with my first grader for almost every assignment, prod my fourth grader into completing assignments and then harass my sixth grader daily who at first showed the most promise with iLearning but then lost motivation after it extended beyond anyone’s wildest imaginations. The yelling, the crying, the role of being the resident nag–it was all too much. And all this fighting was going on with my husband in his home office trying to be on conference calls. “My clients are wondering why WWIII is going on in the background,” he said so many times I lost count. So I let my kids go back to playing Fortnite as default entertainment.

The lack of planning for a dinner with the grandparents or a trip to a museum in the city has filled me with sadness. It’s this lack of possibilities and planning for the future that I am mourning most during COVID which leads to the ugly section.

The Ugly

The lack of predictably with COVID and who will fall victim to it scares me. Right now with the NY infection rate hovering at 1% as we go to print, I feel like we are in a “sweet spot”. It’s only a matter of time though before it gets worse again according to epidemiologists. And so I wonder should I stock up again on canned beans and Clorox wipes?

Each morning I scan the New York Times headlines. Never before have I felt so hopeless about our future. The politicization of mask wearing, the high infection rates in the Sun Belt, the double-digit unemployment numbers and the racial disparities in how this disease is affecting our nation, it’s too much to absorb. I now shut down after reading for a half hour instead of compulsively reading like I did in the early stages of the pandemic. And each afternoon while I hash out the day’s headlines with my neighbor in my cul-de-sac during a “COVID cocktail hour”, I’m grateful she suggested in February that I stock up on wine.

County Executive Attributes Reducing COVID 19 Cases to Increased Testing and Accompanying Quarantining

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The Chappaqua spike of COVID-19 cases linked to a high school graduation ceremony “has run its course,” according to Westchester County Executive George Latimer.

It has been over three weeks now since the recent outbreak of COVID-19 cases attached to the cluster event. The activities that provoked the spread had included Horace Greeley High School’s drive-in and “field event,” which both had limited social distancing and minimal mask protection. There have been 27 positive cases that were tied back to the incident which occurred on June 20. Of the 27 cases, 21 were reported in Chappaqua residents, three in Mount Kisco, two in Bedford, and one in Pleasantville.

During his weekly COVID-19 briefing on Monday afternoon, Latimer noted the spreading may be gone for good. Believed to have “run its course,” Latimer proclaimed that none of the 27 individuals have been hospitalized or become severely ill. With zero fatalities associated with  the outbreak, Latimer says he’s “appreciative” it turned out this way. However, he also said he is not surprised.

“The mechanism that’s in place today is much greater than the mechanism we had in place when we were surprised by the first case we had back in March,” he explained, “We did not have the ability as a local entity to test for COVID-19. Now we have this cluster, and we have easily available COVID-19 tests. Anybody that had contact with a person who was initially infected could be tested quickly, and then impose isolation on those individuals who test positive and reduce the spread.”

“Much Better Off”

More good news… According to Latimer, almost 1 out of every 3 people in the county have been tested since the outbreak began, and over 85% of those tests have come back negative. He also mentioned that in the past month, there have been more nights with no overnight COVID-19 fatalities than with at least one.

“If you track back to the peak weeks, we had nights of 35, 50, before spiking at 72 people dying overnight,” he said. “So when we have no overnight deaths, it’s an encouraging number. We’re much better off than we were over that period of time.”

Although the number of active COVID-19 cases in Westchester continues to oscillate slightly, he emphasized that things are steady in the right direction.

“Generally we continue a downward trend from where we were at our peak, but on any given day, depending on if we see a particular spike or unique situations, we could see a few more or less cases,” he said. “The vast majority of people have gone through the two-week incubation period, survived or did not get significantly sick, and obviously weren’t a fatality.”

“If we go up more than a few cases, then we know we’ve got to be able to address it,” he added. “The geographic distribution of the cases also matters. If we see an increased number of cases all over the county, that means we’re watching a broad-based trend, not just a spike.”

As of Monday, July 13, there have been 35,327 positive cases in Westchester since the pandemic hit in March–with 529 still active cases that have yet to be resolved.

As he concluded his rundown on COVID-19, the County Executive continued to bring positive news, conveying that Westchester is headed to a “new normal.” Over the last month and a half, two beaches have been opened, in Playland and Croton Point Park. There has also been the opening of four public pools, from White Plains to Mount Vernon. This past sunny weekend, around 7,200 people traveled to these cool waters of relief. He shared that it was done responsibly and in the safety of COVID-19 guidelines, sanitizing surfaces, encouraging social distancing, and requiring masks.

“We were able to provide things that were necessary and doable in order for people to start living their lives, and at the same time reduce the spread,” Latimer would explain.

Recently, there have been many other large gatherings further indicating that returning to regular everyday life is achievable–while still maintaining health and safety for the people. Latimer announced Bicycle Sunday has been reestablished in the last couple of months with over 1000 people attending. On the golf course, there were 8000 rounds of golf in the six public courses in Westchester County this weekend. Even camps at various nature centers have been sold out and operated smoothly, despite the heavy circumstances faced today.

“We have opened up some facilities in Westchester County and we’re getting good responses,” Latimer summarized, suggesting a bright future in reopening in the Westchester area lay ahead.

Intelligence & Diligence are Key

However, as the county continues to make great progress, the County Executive stressed that this is still not a time to be unmindful and relax. “We are not out of the woods. We’ve had success in New York State in general and Westchester County in specific, but this is an ongoing battle every single day. We are not in a position where we can be cocky or confident that tomorrow things won’t spike unless we continue to show intelligence and diligence.”

“The way to have the economy reopened is not just by a government reopening industries, but that people feel safe when they go back out into the public,” he concluded. “There is no other answer to it than self-discipline and making that sacrifice of wearing a mask. We’ve had some success here, and we hope we’ll continue to have that success given the numbers. That is the mission.”

County Executive Addresses New Covid Cases and Announces Playland Amusement Park’s First-Time Closure

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Westchester County Executive George Latimer. Inside Press photo.

George Latimer cites 19 active cases in New Castle, one in Bronxville, and reaffirms county’s commitment to open responsibly.

Town of New Castle and New Castle Police Department issue stern warnings for further violations.

Press briefing on recreational impact focuses on Playland Amusement Park: Latimer describes a tough decision not to reopen a beloved and historic facility for the first time in its 92-year history.

White Plains, NY— Westchester County Executive George Latimer yesterday reported 19 active cases of COVID-19 in New Castle, up one case since the day before and from the five cases initially reported on a Sunday following a June 20th Horace Greeley High School graduation. The cases in New Castle have been traced back to two students’ travel to Florida, where it is believed they became infected, and to a break with social distancing and mask wearing protocol at both a subsequent graduation drive in ceremony and ‘field nights’ events following graduation. In a prior briefing, Latimer called the resulting cluster “a cautionary tale.” He also noted that the outlook for containment is different today than it was earlier in this pandemic “with the widespread availability of Covid testing” and resident cooperation with a mandated quarantine and cooperation with contact tracers. One active case was also recently reported in Bronxville.

The Governor has since ordered everyone who attended the New Castle events to self-quarantine until July 5, and a group of Westchester based contact tracers are calling households to track more possible infection and guide residents further. Kids from other communities also attended field night events which apparently spread infection further. “Greeley covers the Pleasantville post office and has numbers from other communities who might have gone out… Students from neighboring high schools came as well.”

Meanwhile, in an e-newsletter to the community last night entitled “Our Actions Today Will Save Lives,” the Town of New Castle sternly addressed those who flouted the rules or would consider doing so again; the letter included ample warning of potential  civil and even criminal consequences. “We have reached out to and spoken with the Governor’s Office and the Westchester County District Attorney’s Office for guidance on how to best enforce social distancing orders whether through civil sanctions and fines or criminal prosecutions,” the letter stated. Chappaqua’s Police Department Chief James Carroll outlined a series of potential fines and even potential jail time for flouting rules and violating the order.

At the afternoon briefing, which streamed live, Latimer noted 408 active cases across the county; he noted the significant progress in those numbers, too. “We once had 12,000 cases, so being down to under 500 is a very good sign.”

 “We want to open up our society, responsibly, to avoid people losing their life over this,” Latimer said.

In Westchester, 266,962 people have been tested for COVID, which is about 27% of the population. 34,338 tested positive since the beginning of March. Last night, while only one Westchester resident died due to COVID (compared to ’45-50 some nights’), Latimer reminded, “That’s somebody’s loved one.”

PHOTO by June Marie Sabrito

Latimer also shared news of park closures around the county, most prominently, the closing of Rye’s Playland Amusement Park for the first time in the park’s 92-year history (Playland Amusement Park opened in 1928). He described the closure as ‘emotional’ for him. “There was a lot of drive and determination to make Playland come alive, so it’s the last thing I wanted to do…” The decision comes in tandem with an executive order “to shutter all amusement parks in New York.” The north part of Playland, including its beach area, will remain open.  (Note, the Inside Press has inquired for an official list of closures and openings and will update to here  as received.)

The closures around the county, Latimer said, come with an approximate price tag of about $130 million in lost revenue.

“Sales tax is a big loser, hotel tax revenue is lost, summer parks revenue is down dramatically…although six golf courses will remain open (due to ‘natural social distancing’ associated with this activity)…we have had more revenue from our golf courses in the past.”

As for the total impact of the budget: “We won’t be spending as much, so it may not be as dramatic as we think.”

 North Salem Town Supervisor Warren Lucas representing the Town of North Salem was invited to this briefing; he spoke proudly of a historic and bucolic northern Westchester town and its 1200 acres of open land and trails. There have been complaints., he said, of visitors flouting social distancing rules, too. “At the beginning of this, my biggest question was “when can the horse shows start up again…I’m glad for the opportunity to talk about this town.” He mentioned the town’s work with Feeding Westchester and members of the local Lion’s Club and high school volunteers who are reaching out to those in town, who financially speaking, “have run out of funds.” Today, Latimer plans a briefing focused on the economic impact of COVID and “how to deal with the work force impacted… and the fiscal impact on small businesses, large businesses and not for profits.”

He also said he plans an update about a county task force formed to address police reform since the death of George Floyd, and to continue the work toward racial justice.

Mission Possible: The Key to Better Communication with your Ex-Spouse During COVID

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How to Avoid Old Patterns and Create ‘Meaningful Dialogue’ During this Challenging Time

By Michelle H. Lewis, Esq.

These days, everyone is stressed and anxious. Fear for our health and the health of our loved ones, concern for our financial security, and uncertainty about the future are rampant. Our nerves are on edge, and there are reports of surging domestic violence, anxiety, insomnia, and depression as we struggle to right ourselves in these choppy seas. Raising children struggling to adapt to digital classrooms, coping with physical isolation from their peers, and dealing with the disappointments of cancelled parties and shuttered summer camps, presents an added complication for adults responsible for their care.

For divorced parents, there is yet another set of challenges. Former spouses are likely experiencing similar or even more challenging difficulties. Like most of us, former spouses may not be fully aware of the physical, emotional, or financial health of one another.  Yet we still must support our children and safely transition them back and forth between two homes even when our patience is wearing thin.

This situation is ripe for conflict and is contributing to the many calls divorce attorneys are receiving to help navigate this increasing acrimony. Conflicts about differing levels of adherence to social distancing, disputes over the level of supervision children need in their digital learning, disagreements about the amount of screen time appropriate under the current circumstances, and about the content of that screen time abound. While these dilemmas are “day to day decisions,” which in most divorce agreements are to be decided by the parent charged with supervision of the children on any given day, they feel like “life or death” decisions with the potential for grave consequences for even the most minor mis-step. Courts are being asked to resolve conflicts about these issues by the dozens. But is the court system the right place to bring these conflicts?

Our normal manner of arguing leaves separated and former spouses furious and self-righteous. We assume we know what happened, and our point of view is the only “right” one. We also have a powerful tendency to believe we know the intentions of the person who “wronged” us, and inevitably ascribe evil intentions to them. When people in conflict are divorced, we fall into old patterns that reaffirm our ex’s deficiencies and confirm our cognitive biases of former spouses’ selfish and malevolent intentions. Adding fuel to the fire, when children are involved, parents may use arguments to subconsciously or deliberately play the victim or the “good parent” while vilifying the other parent.

How can we keep disagreements from blowing up into co-parenting disasters? There is a  method of turning arguments into meaningful dialogues developed by lecturers at the Harvard Negotiation Project[1],  whereby divorced or separated parents can turn destructive dynamics on their head and significantly improve their communication. This method can help parents in conflict shift away from ascribing blame and turn toward a stance of curiosity about what happened; to ask questions rather than jump to conclusions and to explore the motivations of the other parent before responding. To employ this method in your relationship, ask yourself these three questions next time you have an argument or want to prepare for a challenging conversation with your former spouse:

  1. What happened?

We tend to assume the answer to this question is obvious, and that we know what happened and why something went wrong.  Imagine this example: Your ex-husband dropped off the kids over thirty minutes late on Sunday night, again. As he turned to leave after they rushed through the front door, you told him off for being “selfish and thoughtless, as always.” He gave you the finger and sped off.  It is evident to you that he doesn’t care enough about their bedtime routines to get them home on time, and he certainly doesn’t care that you rushed back from the grocery store just to make sure you could be there in time. You muse that he probably brought the kids home late again just to get a rise out of you. He has no respect for you, for your feelings or for your time.

But what if your story about what happened is wrong? What if your ex was late because your six year old could not find her favorite stuffed rabbit “Bunny” when it was time to leave, and he spent half an hour on his hands and knees looking under every piece of furniture while she sobbed? What if you learned that something similar happens every time  it is time to leave his home to return to yours?

If you can remember to ask what happened instead of jumping to blame, you might learn new facts– he was over 30 minutes late dropping off the kids, AND he spent 30 minutes looking for Bunny. More importantly, you will learn that despite the genuine negative impact on you – you rushed home only to sit around waiting – your former spouse lacked nefarious intent.

  1. Whose Fault Is It?

When a former spouse has done something that has hurt or angered us, and we are SURE that he or she did it on purpose (or at least carelessly), most of us are quick to ascribe blame. It is natural to assume that because your ex-spouse’s actions or inaction have negatively IMPACTED you, he or she must have INTENDED to cause that impact. 

When we blame someone, we are passing judgment.  Passing judgment on our exes can feel especially satisfying, yielding more evidence of their deficiencies and OUR justified anger. This is called “confirmation bias”.

After most divorces, there are strong feelings that underlie the judgments we make about our former partners. We usually blame them more than ourselves for the issues in the relationship that led to divorce. When something upsetting happens surrounding co-parenting, it retriggers intense feelings of anger, frustration, hurt, sadness, or even guilt.  It is essential to recognize when this happens and to notice how feelings from the past can exacerbate our reactions. Becoming aware of these old patterns of blame is the first step toward avoiding discord in the future.

  1. How Might You Have Contributed to the Problem?

If we can learn to recognize that there are two sides to “What happened?” (and there are almost ALWAYS two sides), and we are prepared to admit that despite the negative impact of our ex-spouse’s actions, we cannot KNOW their intentions without asking, it is time to take a step back to examine our own actions. What could we have done differently? What did we do that might have made things worse?

Take the example above  in which your ex-husband was late dropping off the kids. An expression of curiosity and genuine concern instead of reflexive blame might have forestalled an argument and a flip of the middle finger.  There would have been room for a more constructive conversation, possibly leading to an improvement in co-parenting.

Imagine this time you DID ask what happened. After hearing about the long search for Bunny, you could let your ex-spouse know the impact on you. “You know, when you were late, and I was sitting here waiting after I rushed home to be in time for the girls, I was furious and frustrated.” You might also share that something similar often happens  when you are trying to leave the house with the kids.  Once your ex doesn’t feel attacked, he is much more likely to hear your concerns and to  give you the courtesy of a call next time, or even to start the packing up process a little sooner. 

Now more than ever, effective communication is critical for divorced couples with children. When so much of the ground beneath our children and us is shifting, developing better communication is the key to successful co-parenting and staying out of court.  So next time your ex does something that leaves you seeing red, remember to stop before you act:

  • Ask to hear their side of the story. Be curious.
  • Ask why they acted the way they did; don’t assume bad intentions.
  • Tell them about the impact on you but try to avoid blame.
  • Ask yourself how your actions contributed to the issue. Engage in a conversation about both of your contributions to the problem.

If you can remember to plan for conversations that have the potential to turn into heated arguments using this simple guide, you will likely find your co-parenting relationship improves dramatically. Do we really need the court system for this?

[1] Difficult Conversations (1999) by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen.

Michelle H. Lewis, Esq. is a partner with Kramer Kozek LLP focusing her practice on collaborative divorce, mediation, mediation review, and litigation since 2006. Building her reputation on settling high conflict and complicated financial matters, Ms. Lewis also serves on the Board of Directors of the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals and is a member of the Westchester Women’s Bar Association and the New York State Bar Association Family Law Sections. She is recognized as a New York Metropolitan Super Lawyer and received the Pro Bono Award from the Legal Services of the Hudson Valley in 2017.

Ms. Lewis graduated with honors from Harvard Law School, where she focused her studies on family law, negotiation, and divorce mediation. Prior to Harvard Law School, Ms. Lewis earned her undergraduate degree from Columbia College and a master’s degree from Yale in international relations. In 2003, Ms. Lewis earned two graduate certificates from New York University in life coaching and small business coaching. She has been a member of the bar of the State of New York for 22 years.

For additional information about Michelle or to learn more about Kramer Kozek LLP, their website is kramerkozek.com and the firm’s main number is 914-683-3500.