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Communication

Mission Possible: The Key to Better Communication with your Ex-Spouse During COVID

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How to Avoid Old Patterns and Create ‘Meaningful Dialogue’ During this Challenging Time

By Michelle H. Lewis, Esq.

These days, everyone is stressed and anxious. Fear for our health and the health of our loved ones, concern for our financial security, and uncertainty about the future are rampant. Our nerves are on edge, and there are reports of surging domestic violence, anxiety, insomnia, and depression as we struggle to right ourselves in these choppy seas. Raising children struggling to adapt to digital classrooms, coping with physical isolation from their peers, and dealing with the disappointments of cancelled parties and shuttered summer camps, presents an added complication for adults responsible for their care.

For divorced parents, there is yet another set of challenges. Former spouses are likely experiencing similar or even more challenging difficulties. Like most of us, former spouses may not be fully aware of the physical, emotional, or financial health of one another.  Yet we still must support our children and safely transition them back and forth between two homes even when our patience is wearing thin.

This situation is ripe for conflict and is contributing to the many calls divorce attorneys are receiving to help navigate this increasing acrimony. Conflicts about differing levels of adherence to social distancing, disputes over the level of supervision children need in their digital learning, disagreements about the amount of screen time appropriate under the current circumstances, and about the content of that screen time abound. While these dilemmas are “day to day decisions,” which in most divorce agreements are to be decided by the parent charged with supervision of the children on any given day, they feel like “life or death” decisions with the potential for grave consequences for even the most minor mis-step. Courts are being asked to resolve conflicts about these issues by the dozens. But is the court system the right place to bring these conflicts?

Our normal manner of arguing leaves separated and former spouses furious and self-righteous. We assume we know what happened, and our point of view is the only “right” one. We also have a powerful tendency to believe we know the intentions of the person who “wronged” us, and inevitably ascribe evil intentions to them. When people in conflict are divorced, we fall into old patterns that reaffirm our ex’s deficiencies and confirm our cognitive biases of former spouses’ selfish and malevolent intentions. Adding fuel to the fire, when children are involved, parents may use arguments to subconsciously or deliberately play the victim or the “good parent” while vilifying the other parent.

How can we keep disagreements from blowing up into co-parenting disasters? There is a  method of turning arguments into meaningful dialogues developed by lecturers at the Harvard Negotiation Project[1],  whereby divorced or separated parents can turn destructive dynamics on their head and significantly improve their communication. This method can help parents in conflict shift away from ascribing blame and turn toward a stance of curiosity about what happened; to ask questions rather than jump to conclusions and to explore the motivations of the other parent before responding. To employ this method in your relationship, ask yourself these three questions next time you have an argument or want to prepare for a challenging conversation with your former spouse:

  1. What happened?

We tend to assume the answer to this question is obvious, and that we know what happened and why something went wrong.  Imagine this example: Your ex-husband dropped off the kids over thirty minutes late on Sunday night, again. As he turned to leave after they rushed through the front door, you told him off for being “selfish and thoughtless, as always.” He gave you the finger and sped off.  It is evident to you that he doesn’t care enough about their bedtime routines to get them home on time, and he certainly doesn’t care that you rushed back from the grocery store just to make sure you could be there in time. You muse that he probably brought the kids home late again just to get a rise out of you. He has no respect for you, for your feelings or for your time.

But what if your story about what happened is wrong? What if your ex was late because your six year old could not find her favorite stuffed rabbit “Bunny” when it was time to leave, and he spent half an hour on his hands and knees looking under every piece of furniture while she sobbed? What if you learned that something similar happens every time  it is time to leave his home to return to yours?

If you can remember to ask what happened instead of jumping to blame, you might learn new facts– he was over 30 minutes late dropping off the kids, AND he spent 30 minutes looking for Bunny. More importantly, you will learn that despite the genuine negative impact on you – you rushed home only to sit around waiting – your former spouse lacked nefarious intent.

  1. Whose Fault Is It?

When a former spouse has done something that has hurt or angered us, and we are SURE that he or she did it on purpose (or at least carelessly), most of us are quick to ascribe blame. It is natural to assume that because your ex-spouse’s actions or inaction have negatively IMPACTED you, he or she must have INTENDED to cause that impact. 

When we blame someone, we are passing judgment.  Passing judgment on our exes can feel especially satisfying, yielding more evidence of their deficiencies and OUR justified anger. This is called “confirmation bias”.

After most divorces, there are strong feelings that underlie the judgments we make about our former partners. We usually blame them more than ourselves for the issues in the relationship that led to divorce. When something upsetting happens surrounding co-parenting, it retriggers intense feelings of anger, frustration, hurt, sadness, or even guilt.  It is essential to recognize when this happens and to notice how feelings from the past can exacerbate our reactions. Becoming aware of these old patterns of blame is the first step toward avoiding discord in the future.

  1. How Might You Have Contributed to the Problem?

If we can learn to recognize that there are two sides to “What happened?” (and there are almost ALWAYS two sides), and we are prepared to admit that despite the negative impact of our ex-spouse’s actions, we cannot KNOW their intentions without asking, it is time to take a step back to examine our own actions. What could we have done differently? What did we do that might have made things worse?

Take the example above  in which your ex-husband was late dropping off the kids. An expression of curiosity and genuine concern instead of reflexive blame might have forestalled an argument and a flip of the middle finger.  There would have been room for a more constructive conversation, possibly leading to an improvement in co-parenting.

Imagine this time you DID ask what happened. After hearing about the long search for Bunny, you could let your ex-spouse know the impact on you. “You know, when you were late, and I was sitting here waiting after I rushed home to be in time for the girls, I was furious and frustrated.” You might also share that something similar often happens  when you are trying to leave the house with the kids.  Once your ex doesn’t feel attacked, he is much more likely to hear your concerns and to  give you the courtesy of a call next time, or even to start the packing up process a little sooner. 

Now more than ever, effective communication is critical for divorced couples with children. When so much of the ground beneath our children and us is shifting, developing better communication is the key to successful co-parenting and staying out of court.  So next time your ex does something that leaves you seeing red, remember to stop before you act:

  • Ask to hear their side of the story. Be curious.
  • Ask why they acted the way they did; don’t assume bad intentions.
  • Tell them about the impact on you but try to avoid blame.
  • Ask yourself how your actions contributed to the issue. Engage in a conversation about both of your contributions to the problem.

If you can remember to plan for conversations that have the potential to turn into heated arguments using this simple guide, you will likely find your co-parenting relationship improves dramatically. Do we really need the court system for this?

[1] Difficult Conversations (1999) by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen.

Michelle H. Lewis, Esq. is a partner with Kramer Kozek LLP focusing her practice on collaborative divorce, mediation, mediation review, and litigation since 2006. Building her reputation on settling high conflict and complicated financial matters, Ms. Lewis also serves on the Board of Directors of the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals and is a member of the Westchester Women’s Bar Association and the New York State Bar Association Family Law Sections. She is recognized as a New York Metropolitan Super Lawyer and received the Pro Bono Award from the Legal Services of the Hudson Valley in 2017.

Ms. Lewis graduated with honors from Harvard Law School, where she focused her studies on family law, negotiation, and divorce mediation. Prior to Harvard Law School, Ms. Lewis earned her undergraduate degree from Columbia College and a master’s degree from Yale in international relations. In 2003, Ms. Lewis earned two graduate certificates from New York University in life coaching and small business coaching. She has been a member of the bar of the State of New York for 22 years.

For additional information about Michelle or to learn more about Kramer Kozek LLP, their website is kramerkozek.com and the firm’s main number is 914-683-3500. 

 

A Special Kid Learns to Shine at Sunshine Children’s Home

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Innovative Assistive Technology Gives Voice to the Voiceless

Ossining, N.Y. — In an ordinary household, on an ordinary day, a seven-year-old boy might see lunchtime as an opportunity to sharpen his negotiating skills and press for chicken nuggets when Mom offers salad.

When seven-year-old Antonio requested chicken nuggets over salad for the first time, it was anything but ordinary. In fact, until recently, Antonio couldn’t ask for lunch at all.

As a non-verbal child with significant cognitive and physical limitations, Antonio could only gesture and hope the loving adults who care for him full-time at the Sunshine Children’s Home could correctly read his cues. They usually could and always tried to the best of their abilities – they’ve been working with Antonio for much of his young life. But while his support team worked tirelessly to meet his daily needs, they wanted much more for Antonio. They wanted him to enjoy the things that typically developing kids can take for granted – things like choices, a sense of control and, perhaps most importantly, the feeling of connectedness that comes so much more easily to those who can communicate and interact with others.

Antonio
Antonio

It didn’t happen overnight. One by one, various modes of communication were trialed for a period of time, without success. No tool was able to meet Antonio’s complex needs and help his communication skills advance beyond basic gestures — until the beginning of this school year.

In the fall of 2016, Antonio was introduced to an app called Proloquo2go – a program that enables him to tap a picture on a tablet to express what he wants to say. Antonio had finally been given a voice.

For a boy like Antonio, there’s no such thing as an overnight success. His journey began with a single picture on a tablet. He received training. He practiced. He made mistakes.

And then one day, for the first time in his seven years of life, Antonio asked for his lunch.

The significance of this success was profound – and it was only the beginning. Once Antonio had mastered the concept of using the tablet to make a verbal request for a basic want, he was given the opportunity to communicate a preference – he could choose what he wanted for lunch from a selection of foods.

The Sunshine Children’s Home is specially equipped to give children with complex medical needs a safe, loving home, a school experience, social connections and recreation. And over time, Antonio’s tablet has been programmed to assist him throughout every part of his day, including nursing, recreation and school. There are buttons for morning meeting, for math and for physical education, so he can have the opportunity to actively participate in the program.

Antonio still needs reminders – he spent seven years using gestures to communicate, so at times he understandably reverts to his old habit of communicating that way. But his progress is significant. He has used his buttons to communicate spontaneously; he has requested for specific buttons to be added.

Recently, Antonio had the opportunity to go out into the community for a day to go shopping at a toy store. There, he achieved an important milestone: With verbal cues, he was able to use his tablet to choose a toy and interact with the shop owner.

Antonio still needs excessive verbal and visual cues as he works towards his next goal — increasing his core vocabulary in order to be able to formulate simple, three-word sentences.

The road toward greater independence is long. At the Sunshine Children’s Home, the caring, creative and innovative team will continue to see to it that Antonio has the support, encouragement and technology he needs, every step of the way.

The mission of the Sunshine Children’s Home and Rehab Center is to create a loving and supportive environment that provides the highest level of quality pediatric care for children who need it. Sunshine provides a quality home for children from birth to 18 years of age who require post-acute medical care and/or rehabilitative therapy, combined with psychological and developmental interventions. About 46 percent of the children in residence require palliative care, while an equal percentage of others improve enough with care to be discharged to a group or community facility, or ideally, at home with their families. For more information, visit www.sunshinechildrenshome.org.

From Paper to Screen: How New Media Platforms Are Changing Journalism

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“And I am learning that writing truthfully and emotionally about my own experiences often resonates with readers the most.”

By Lindsay Hand 

Being a young millennial is a truly unique experience. Born in the mid-90s, I have been privy to incredible technological and societal change and advancement. I am still young enough to never have lived without a computer in my house, but old enough to remember a world without smartphones, now staples. As a college student, I cannot even begin to imagine my life without my iPhone, Macbook, and constant access to e-mail, social media and the Internet. In our increasingly multi-media world, journalism is perhaps the largest field affected.

lindsay hand picture for odyssey story
The way people access and read content is evolving, mostly moving online to various outlets. My parents still watch television news and read the newspaper, but I definitely do not. Especially since coming to college, though, keeping up with current events has become extremely important to me; I get daily news blast e-mails, and use Twitter and my phone’s News app to constantly keep myself updated between classes. I also enjoy and search out different ways to see my peers’ thoughts about events both on campus and around the world, and visiting the growing online outlets where college students express these opinions.

Part of the Change

I am fortunate to have the opportunity to work directly with one of these groundbreaking new platforms. As Contributing Editor for Cornell University’s branch of the Odyssey, I have the privilege of playing an important part in the growth of this exciting new business. Founded by two Indiana University students and launched in 2014, Odyssey already has over 3,000 writers and a massive presence in campus media nationwide. According to Odyssey Editorial Director Kate Waxler, “We believe that the traditional top-down editorial model is broken, and created Odyssey to flip that model upside down. We’re redefining the way content is created, tapping into the relevance and engagement associated with hyper-local content and distributing our content in a unique and authentic way.”

Odyssey is unique in that it is both entirely online, and allows for the expression of diverse viewpoints and opinions. This was what initially drew me to Odyssey: the idea of writing each week about whatever I wanted, without limitations, constraints or assignments. It is a distinct platform for college students to speak their minds, explain their views, and discover how influential their writing can be. “We felt that there were many perspectives unrepresented and many voices not breaking through to the surface,” Waxler adds. “Odyssey enables those perspectives and voices to be heard.”

Advertisers love it, too. According to Waxler, since Odyssey is closely integrated with millennials, brands and agencies are “offered access to and insights about this sought-after demographic through our research and advertising opportunities.” What also makes Odyssey unusual is its reliance on social media and “shares” to spread content. “We are a hybrid between a publisher and a social media platform, and bring the best of both,” Waxler explains. “Our audience encounters Odyssey content (90% of the time) because someone they know shares it with them in social channels.” In this way, Odyssey is distinctly attuned to millennials–our lives, particularly our online lives, are defined by our mediated social circles, the way we hear about happenings local, national, and international.

Looking Toward the Future

Beyond gaining important leadership experience and practice meeting weekly deadlines, I have found in Odyssey an outlet to express things I would have never previously thought to write about. And I am learning that writing truthfully and emotionally about my own experiences often resonates with readers the most.

Possible topics are unlimited. I have written about everything from a review of “Supergirl” to heartfelt reflections about my sister and being a summer camp counselor. Interestingly, these personal pieces have clearly struck a nerve in others, based on the number of social media shares they have received. Other Cornell Odyssey pieces have ranged from campus libraries to the show “Friends” to the current conflict in Israel. Odyssey always gives students the opportunity to express their thoughts about absolutely anything.

Odyssey and its ilk represent the future of journalism. As a millennial and a Communication major, I know that I have an obligation and a challenge to bring traditional journalism into today’s world. It is a changing field, and my generation will help bring about this change. As Waxler says so well, “We are investing in the next generation of writers, and are using our proprietary technology and data science to bring content and ideas to the world.”

Interested? Check out theodysseyonline.com. Search for particular colleges on the Odyssey homepage.

Two-time Inside Chappaqua Guest Editor Lindsay Hand is a sophomore at Cornell University. 

 

Chappaqua’s Jon Cobert on the Language of Music

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Jon endorses Nord and Casio keyboards.
Jon endorses Nord and Casio keyboards.

By Jon Cobert

Self-expression. What is it, exactly? There are billions of people on this planet, and every one is unique. We all have our own view of the world, and our own way of communicating our thoughts and feelings. There are ballerinas, artists, sculptors, orators, architects, and poets. People who express themselves in solitude, and others who perform in front of thousands.

I am a musician.
I have been for as far back as I can remember. There was always a piano in the house, so that’s what I gravitated towards for my own personal form of self-expression. Of course I can speak and write and draw and even paint a little (no dancing please!), but music has always been the most personal and effective way for me to express myself.

Jon and Bruce Springsteen
Jon and Bruce Springsteen

Playing an instrument is like learning a language; you have to practice and play for long enough that it becomes second nature. If you have to think about what your fingers are about to do, then you’re not really making music; you’re kind of painting by numbers. When I play, I feel like the music is already out there, and I’m collecting it and letting it be heard through the piano.

As a musician, I’m the sum of all the influences I’ve encountered over the years. It’s been quite an eclectic journey. I started taking piano lessons when I was 9. Ted Harris, my wonderful teacher, came to the house every Wednesday afternoon. He taught me how to read music, how to play scales, and also how to improvise, since he was a composer and a jazz pianist.

I learned Haydn, Bach, Mozart, Chopin, Beethoven, Bartok, and Schoenberg. Then Fats Waller, Scott Joplin, and Earl “Fatha” Hines. After that we went into popular music: Beatles, Bachrach, Beach Boys.

Mr. Harris showed me how to appreciate music, and how to communicate it my own way. He encouraged me to improvise, and I spent many hours at that piano, with the lights out, just experimenting and discovering new harmonies and melodies.

When I got into college, I had to decide if this ability and love of music could be my living, or just something to do after work. At NYU, I had two majors, Music and Biology, because I liked science and wanted to see if I could do that for a living. My passion was never in my schooling; I always had rehearsals with my band after school, and that’s where my heart was. I continued to study Bio and Music, waiting for a “sign” to help me decide.

In my Junior year, my band signed a management deal with Record Plant Studios, a famous recording studio where all the big names did their albums. John Lennon was recording his Wall and Bridges album there, and I soon began recording and playing with him.  So much for the Biology major. That was the sign I needed, and there was no turning back.

Today my musical life is rich and varied. I play many styles, and do various things. I write music for TV and radio, commercials and sports themes. I write songs, also in many styles, and I play lots of different types of engagements. I play in several bands in clubs around the area, doing rock and roll, soul, jazz, and blues (my own band is called Cobert Operations). I tour the country with Tom Chapin, playing music for families as well as folk music for grown-ups. I play in Churches and Synagogues and yes, even Carnegie Hall.

And I play and sing solo at Crabtree’s Kittle House in Chappaqua every Thursday night. It’s the solo work that gives me the most freedom of self-expression. When I play with a band, arrangements have to be agreed upon, so the musicians are on the “same page”, and it sounds cohesive. While that is enjoyable, and carries its own set of skills like listening and collaborating, it does limit my freedom.

When I’m solo, I can interpret the songs however I feel, depending on my mood and the mood of the crowd. I can take a Beatle song and do it bluesy, or in the style of Leon Russell, just for fun. I am truly the luckiest man to be able to express myself freely, and earn a living at the same time.

Jon Cobert will be playing and singing in the Tap Room at Crabtree’s Kittle House in Chappaqua every Thursday from 7 to 11. He’ll be the musical director for A Tribute to Lead Belly at Carnegie Hall on Dec. 7 and 8, with his band, Cobert Operations, at 12 Grapes in Peekskill on Dec 12, at Anthony’s Coal Fired Pizza in White Plains on Dec. 23 and 30, starting at 6, and with Tom Chapin at the Turning Point in Piermont, Dec. 27 and 28. You can check his website at www.joncobert.com or his facebook page.

Jon, Bruce, Tom Chapin, Jackson Browne and Jen Chapin
Jon, Bruce, Tom Chapin, Jackson Browne and Jen Chapin
Jon and John Lennon, copyright 1975, Allan Tannenbaum
Jon and John Lennon, copyright 1975, Allan Tannenbaum

Fun Facts about Jon Cobert…

Jon Cobert is a New York-based composer/arranger/pianist/session keyboardist/vocalist. He got his Music Theory and Composition degree from N.Y.U., and began his career with a bang, recording and playing live with John Lennon (you can see him in the movie “Imagine”). Other recording and touring credits include John Denver, Klaus Nomi, Laura Branigan, Phyllis Hyman, Al Green, Henry Gross, Linder Eder, Leslie Uggams, Harry Chapin, and Dion, among others. He has played with Bruce Springsteen, Jackson Browne, Richie Havens, Pete Seeger, and many more. Since 1988, Jon has been working with Tom Chapin, recording, touring, producing, writing, and arranging. He has earned five Grammy nominations for his work as producer on Tom’s recordings. In addition to being a sought-after studio keyboard-player, Jon has also been writing and arranging music for TV and radio, and some of his work includes: The ESPN Baseball Tonight Theme, ESPN College Football Gameday Theme, Dr. Pepper, Pepperidge Farm, Rolling Rock, Budweiser, Arm and Hammer, Juicy Juice, Activia, Burger King, Wendy’s, Capital One, Dannon, and many others.

 

The Art of Communication

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Beth-Head-shot-thBy Beth Besen

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. Putting aside my love of language and disregarding that words are actually my modus operandi, I’d argue that, these days, a picture speaks multiples of thousands of words. In a world grown ever smaller, images cut across boundaries and cultures, connecting us to each other in ways that words simply cannot.

Nonetheless, words do continue to matter. People read for pleasure, and read to learn. From fiction to non-fiction, newspapers to magazines (like ours truly), old-fashioned printed books to e-books to books on CDs, words impact and shape our individual and concentric worlds and worldviews.

Perhaps, instead of either/or, we agree there’s a happy medium. We recognize that communication has always found balance between words and images. Of course, sometimes the balance is unsettling–I think about Rene Magritte’s famous painting of a pipe with the beguiling words Ceci n’est pas une pipe–but that, too, is a rather perfect reflection on what and how we process reality!

Interestingly, the great American artist Edward Hopper (born and raised in nearby Nyack) is quoted as noting, “If I could say it in words, there would be no reason to paint.” How lucky are we, and is the world of art, that he considered himself tongue-tied and picked up palette and brush!

Speaking of artistic brilliance, the upcoming 53rd Armonk Outdoor Art Show is a much-anticipated exhibition by and for art-lovers of all ages and diverse interests!

The scope of the talent is extraordinary, and we were especially delighted to have the opportunity to work with renowned artist and North Castle Parks and Recreation teacher Luis Perez on our exclusive cover design. You’ll definitely want to mark your calendars and plan to see what the huge buzz is all about!

You also won’t want to miss the tasty fun and frolic known as the Armonk Cider & Donut Festival. Check out our own story and pictures, and plan 
to join your friends and neighbors 
for this community-wide favorite autumn event.

Another celebration right around the corner–Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. Jewish families here, and all over the world, come together every fall to reflect and renew. Inside Armonk offers a look at this historic religion and religious understanding and tolerance. We’ve put all politics aside for this very special feature, and hope you’ll find beauty in the shared Rabbis’ thoughtful comments.

Ever wondered why IBM’s arresting corporate slogan is the large word THINK!? We’ve got that covered, and a whole lot more about nearby neighbor Big Blue. And, while we’re on the subject of local business, don’t skip our Skip Beitzel article, but do plan to skip on down to town and congratulate this noteworthy Citizen of the Year!

Like experiencing art, how you engage with our magazine is up to you. There is no right way, there is only your way. Pressed for time? Flip through headlines and pictures for a glimpse of the greater whole. Or, take your time and savor a slow page-by-page read on a lazy end of summer day. Ever flip to the back of a book because you just can’t wait to see how a story ends? Well–spoiler alert–we’ve got a wonderfully inspirational Et Cetera end page by local motivational speaker 
Geri Mariano that easily justifies 
jumping ahead.

So, go for it, and enjoy! I hope something catches your eye. I hope something speaks to you. And I hope to see you at the Show…