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Ready or Not – School is Right Around The Corner

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By Jodi Baretz

Summer is the time we all look forward to–it’s the weather, of course, but it’s also the relaxed vibe and laziness of it all. As summer begins to wind down and the back-to-school craziness begins, one may well wonder how to hold onto some of that tranquility and calm; how to relish the days and not become frazzled and frantic with lives, schedules and children. The weather will inevitably change, and so too our children’s schedules, but that doesn’t have to mean the end of nirvana.

No matter how old one’s child is, chances are their schedules will be chaotic and hectic. This is the nature of childhood these days, and the culture we live in. We tend to fear that if we don’t put our child in every sport, art class or lesson, they will get left behind. If we don’t give them every possible opportunity to excel, they will be stuck in mediocrity for the rest of their lives.Take a step back and ask yourself if they really need to be in so many structured activities. When we over-schedule our children, we take away that crucial unstructured time where they learn to play. We also worry that unscheduled free time will just lead to more screen time, or, perhaps, that we will have to fill it ourselves. I suggest you do allow some down time; it may just let you be with your children–without screaming to get out the door when they’re exhausted, not to mention save you an extra carpool. It will also take some pressure off your children and send a message that it’s ok to recharge, relax and just be a kid. Maybe if we experiment with this concept, and slow down, we will be calmer and better able to enjoy the fleeting time we do have with our kids. Remembering to love and accept every child for themselves, not what they achieve, is crucial to their state of mind and ours.

Back to schoolHelping your child adjust to the stress of a new school year can feel overwhelming. I can recall the butterflies in my stomach the first day of school every year. Beginnings always produce some sort of anxiety, just like endings can produce sadness. The important thing to remember is that this is normal, and not to trivialize or ignore their feelings, or your own. You might tell them that everyone experiences feelings of nervousness, but the feelings are sure to go away as a routine settles in and that you expect they will soon feel just fine. Telling them that you went through the same thing as a child can also ease their anxiety. We don’t want to push the anxiety away, but shifting it from their head (our minds can make up doomsday scenarios) to feeling it in their body can sometimes diffuse it as well. You do this by asking them what part of their body they feel it in. Can they breathe into it, and simply allow it to be there?

To ease your kids into the back to school structure, you may want to have them start going to bed a little earlier every night, so they are not completely wiped out when the early mornings arrive. Kids may also feel like their screen and play time will be over, so it’s important not to take that away completely in exchange for a rigid schedule. Personally, I am planning to make some screen time rules during homework time. What I’m suggesting is that new rules be implemented, and that they are reasonable, not punitive.

As summer slowly fades away, and a new school year begins, we have a choice. We can approach it with sadness, stress and anxiety, or we can chose to view it as a new beginning, a new challenge with new joys. We cannot change or hold on to the summer months, but we can approach this transition with a sense of wonder, curiosity and gratitude for what it will bring. If things get too stressful and you see the anxiety start to build, remember to STOP–Stop, Take A Breath–open and Observe what you’re feeling, and then Proceed! You might even consider sharing that one with your kids!

Jodi Baretz is a psychotherapist and mindfulness coach, with a private practice at The Center for Health and Healing in Mt. Kisco. In addition to her private clients, she leads a variety of small group mindfulness trainings from busy moms to corporations, teaches mindfulness for Chappaqua Continuing Education, and a “Mindfulness Bootcamp,” four-week program. She lives with her husband and two teenage boys in Millwood. You can reach her at jodibaretz@gmail.com or visit jodibaretz.com.

Advice to a Rising College Freshman

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Chloe (seated center in gray top, with sunglasses on her head) with classmates/friends at Columbia University
Chloe (seated center in gray top, with sunglasses on her head) with classmates/friends at Columbia University

by Chloe Salzman

Graduating from Horace Greeley a year ago, I knew little to nothing of what to expect of the beginning of my college experience. All I knew was that it would be very different from Chappaqua, and that was exactly what I had signed up for. More specifically, I had looked for a school that would be massively more diverse than Chappaqua, and I succeeded. Of my freshman class, 49% of us identify as a Minority race, whereas 75.5% of Chappaqua is White. In my last year of high school, 
I thought about the diversity of Chappaqua a lot, not only in race, but also in cultural and social experiences; 
I was trying to prepare myself for life outside of our bubble, but struggled to find any tangible experiences that would prepare me for my future college life.

As most of my peers growing up were white, I came into college really unsure of how race dynamics would play out, both on the larger scheme and in my own personal sphere. Diversity’s presence affects one’s social experience because it creates, for many, an unprecedented proximity of different cultures and races. To my pleasure, I immediately began making friends from all around the country, and the world, from all sorts of different cultures; however, as my class began to settle into this new and diverse community, I noticed that individual social niches were less and less diverse. I’ve since learned that this phenomenon is not unique to my experiences, but rather happens in most colleges. And it isn’t just noticeable to the students–it’s actually been documented and studied. There’s a widespread tendency for students to create more homogeneous social groups, and depend on classes or dormitories to enhance the diversity of their lives.

Minorities, especially blacks, are not private about explaining their perspectives and their reasoning for segregating themselves. There is an inherent sense of community in a homogeneous group. What’s more, they attest to the social hierarchy, even in diverse and liberal environments, that exists in American social dynamics that put blacks at the bottom of the totem pole. This dynamic creates even more of an incentive to join racially segregated groups.

I’ve come now to understand this dynamic better than I ever could have from living in Chappaqua. More importantly, I’ve tried to find any way I can to be a part of a solution: in order to reap the benefits of a diverse school, you need to seek out that diversity, to involve yourself in events and affairs with people of all different cultures, and to be as supportive and egalitarian as you can be.

So, I urge every single student leaving Greeley and entering the real world, the world with diversity and prejudice against anyone, even towards those with privilege, to enter college ready to learn about and accept any and every culture, because the window of opportunity may not remain open forever.

If you go into college thinking of ways to meet the people who resemble your childhood friends, how will you grow? The person you were in high school will always be there and you will always be comfortable going back into a niche like Chappaqua. It takes intention and effort and curiosity to go to college and think “How are my friends different from me? How can 
I learn from them?”

Maybe the diversity of a college campus will be present in your immediate social circle, maybe it won’t. Even if it isn’t, that doesn’t mean you have failed at integrating new cultures into your life. On campus there will constantly be debates, discussions, and plays written, directed or performed by students. Take advantage of them. Care and be interested in what matters to your student body–not just to your friends–and you will automatically get something out of what the cultures around you have to offer.

When there was a Black Lives Matter protest at our annual tree lighting ceremony, the student body was forced to care. When Rape Happens Here was projected onto the front of a prominent, iconic building of our campus, to combat sexual violence and rape culture, we were forced to care. And when students were yelling so loudly at a Fight for $15 protest for an increase in minimum wage that the teachers in class were hardly audible, we were forced to care. All of that was simply part of my experience being present on a politically active campus. But when you internalize your campus spirit and diversity, then you benefit as an individual, and you take the lessons you learn outside of the classroom with you beyond college.

Chloe Salzman is a Horace Greeley High School graduate, class of 2014.

From Cabin Fever to Spring Fever

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Woman Discovers What Kind of Chair She is

By Janine Crowley Haynes

Ah…spring is finally here, but there’s no denying it was one heck of a cold and lonely winter. However, with the help of social media, I survived. Uploading TGIF photos of my dog wearing a Hawaiian lei propped up by a pink mai tai helped to temper my cabin fever. Also, I took up coloring again…as in…coloring in a coloring book. It’s only the first paragraph, so please don’t judge me quite yet.

I know I was not alone in my innocuous endeavors to maintain sanity. Last winter, I noticed a strong uptick of social media postings of crazy cat videos and unlikely interspecies alliances. The Youtube video of the cockatoo feeding individual strands of spaghetti to his canine companion is, not only adorbs, but a metaphorical template for ending world hunger. Also, tagging and sharing anything wine-related was considered a lifesaving ritual that friends did for one another. You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy wine was more than just a platitude; it was a public service announcement for the online adult community. I discovered that the Roman god of wine, Bacchus, is alive, well, and on the internet engineering kitchen faucets flowing with fruity, full-bodied pinot noirs. Now there’s a jobs program. We can build it. We have the technology. Let’s get to work, America.

But nothing kept away my winter blues quite like sipping and clicking. That is, sipping hot cocoa and clicking on the latest online quiz. My index finger robotically clicked on teasers like Let’s Play! and Take this Quiz!.…I mean, come on, who doesn’t want to know what kind of dog they’d be? Most of my friends are golden retrievers and German shepherds. I happen to be a husky, playful but tends to disappear for days at a time. Days is an understatement–I disappeared for an entire winter. I burrowed beneath the frozen layers of snow and nestled warmly in the cyber bosom of self-discovery. I suckled on the teet of BuzzFeed and PlayBuzz quizzes till my belly was full and my mind ripe with fantastical notions of who I really am.

Who knew the definition of an alternative lifestyle could be extended to life as an inanimate object? Isn’t everyone just the slightest bit curious about what piece of furniture they’d be? I’m an upholstered wingback armchair. Translation: I’m comfortably sophisticated and often found next to fireplaces. This is how I project myself in the world. It pleases me to know I’m not a beer-stained barcalounger with mystery meat rotting beneath my cushions, begging the question, “Dude, what’s that smell?” Ahem…FYI, I’ve been tested and actually smell like lavender which makes people feel relaxed in my presence. This is consistent with my purple aura results. Defining myself by my hue is not shallow–it’s cool and pairs nicely with my hippie name, Blossom, and my musical note, G.

Interestingly, from the countless hours of quiz taking, a pattern definitely emerged. A pattern of relaxed 
sophistication, and I’m comfortable with that label. Speaking of labels, PlayBuzz told me if I were a suit, I’d be Jennifer Aniston’s Gucci scarlet red tuxedo–shirt optional. This is serendipitous because I also got Rachel in Which Friends Character Are You? quiz…and…and…I scored Bradley Cooper as a celebrity husband, who was Jen’s onscreen hubby in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You….Crazy, right? Not me, silly, my results. Coincidence? I think not. Jen and I are practically twins.

Sure, I could’ve spent the winter baking decadent red velvet cupcakes, which PlayBuzz reveals is my confectionery makeup, but nothing fed my soul quite like esteem-building scrumptious morsels of self-discovery. The brilliance of these quizzes is that you can never really be wrong, only alike or unalike from your friends’ results. For example, invisibility and flying–both awesome superpowers, just different. Cinderella and Elsa–equally respectable Disney princesses, just different journeys.

So, I’d say this winter, albeit long, was kind of a productive cerebral season for me. I’ve come away with plenty of insights, at least, enough to write this bizarro essay. Now that it’s spring, I can head back into the woods for my daily walks fully aware of what kind of woodland creature I’d be. After reading this, you might be thinking I’m a real piece of work, and you’d be correct. I happen to be the famous painting At the Moulin Rouge because, like Toulouse-Lautrec, I seek out alternative crowds and, apparently, alternative thinking. What piece of work are you? Go to PlayBuzz and take the quiz!  

Janine Crowley Haynes is the author of My Kind of Crazy–Living in a Bipolar World.

Our Gardening, Ourselves

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Digging for Information on How We Tick

By Dr. Rachel Levy Lombaragardengestalt5

Grab a pen, a fingertip, or whatever you typically use to write (eyeliners are acceptable). Answer this question: How do you garden? Don’t think, just respond. There are no wrong answers. I promise.

I am not asking how one gardens (i.e., with a shovel) but how you personally garden? Your answer may be anything from“with delight” to “only at gunpoint.” (Worry not if the closest you get to gardening is the fake ficus in your foyer, you can still play. Choose any activity and write down three adjectives that describe how you (insert it here) train squirrels, craft whiskey or make shoes for elves.

Got it?

Okay, what did you write down? Look at it carefully and see if what you wrote about how you garden (snowshoe, make gummy bears) doesn’t bear an uncanny resemblance to how you do almost everything.

Amazing, right?

This parlor trick works because the way we do one thing is the way we do everything.

I asked my accountant, Rose, how she gardened. She tapped a few keys on her computer and swivelled the screen toward me. On it was her “garden” spreadsheet, rows and columns of numbers that indicated the dates she planned to seed, transplant and harvest the dozens of vegetables she grew. She clicked to a computer generated map-to-scale of her garden; it was a virtual planned community of vegetables. The photos she then pulled up showed Rose in her glory wearing high rubber boots, knee pads, gloves and what appeared to be a beekeeper’s hat and veil. I asked and no, she doesn’t keep bees. I could only assume that she was as cautious as she was prepared in her gardening.

When I asked Rose if organized, meticulous and safe described other things she did, the question was largely rhetorical; I had marvelled at how the crumpled, stack of receipts, bank statements, tax forms and errant candy wrappers I dropped off each year were returned to me in the form of a pristine completed tax return. I think she may have ironed the pages.

I have a tendency to place people who garden like Rose on a pedestal. Her methodical approach is a complete foil to my kamikaze one, marked by vision (minus preparation), (over) confidence, single-mindedness and (blind) optimism. I never wear a hat or gloves, instead sporting a colorful array of insect bites, rashes, cuts and bruises. Compared to Rose, I grimace at how quick I am to “go out on a limb.” Still, I wonder, how else would one set up a tree swing in a jiffy?

Which reminds me of this important rule; do not let yourself fall into the comparison hole; it is dark, low and unpleasant. You can never win. Yank yourself by the scruff of your neck out immediately, sit yourself down and remind yourself of all the great things you have done. For example, after seeing Rose, I say to myself, “Rachel, your unique combination of moxie and madness may worry your family and annoys emergency room personnel, but no one has ever called you boring and look at all the awesome things you have done!

“You are a maverick,” I continue, knowing that I am not yet convinced. “You have run marathons, accumulated degrees, played guitar in a rock and roll band and made two complete human beings from scratch, all by yourself, and without even thinking. If that isn’t amazing, then I don’t know what is!”

Patterns of behavior, like the roots of plants, run deep. The quote I chose, seemingly randomly, for my high school yearbook was this: “Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.” It strikes me as uncanny that some part of me knew, over thirty years ago exactly how I would live my life. There is genius in all of us, even if it isn’t always immediately apparent.

Bud is quick to undertake big projects in his yard, throwing in time and money before deciding that the project is over his head and bailing. When I asked him if this mirrored how he did other things in his life, his face went ashen. He made the connection that his approach to dive in first and assess later had left him in a precarious financial state. He decided to try pausing before leaping at the next business deal. This tiny change minimized his misfires, while, capitalizing on his willingness to take risks, dramatically improved his bottom line.

Unearthing our root patterns is, in psychology speak, a process of making the unconscious conscious. Doing so gives us a freedom and creativity to behave and respond in ways that we weren’t aware existed. It allows us to tweak and prune.

But put away your machete. The key is small change. Each root holds an innate wisdom. As any gardener knows, you never want to damage a plants’ roots.

Gardening offers us glimpses of the invisible strands that weave the various parts of our lives so seamlessly together into a stunning whole. Marvel at nature, appreciating the tiny things for the huge lessons: tiny blades of grass that manage to poke through concrete.

Dr. Rachel Levy Lombara is a clinical psychologist in Chappaqua. She has been described as “down to earth” and full of useful tools for gardening and life. She prefers to work quickly and effectively.

Attention Holiday Shoppers…

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GiftBagsC0911_L_300_C_YBy Dan Levitz

As I stood in Rite Aid contemplating the pumpkin shaped Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Halloween candy, I was experiencing decidedly mixed emotions. I found myself silently cursing the ad men of Madison Avenue for having the audacity to push out holiday candy earlier and earlier every year. This was the first week of September and I had just begun to accept that my daughter and I would taking no more weekend jaunts to Jones Beach in 2014. How presumptuous of them to think that, in shorts and a t-shirt, I’d be unable to resist a traditional corduroy pants and sweater treat. Yet simultaneously, like a good Pavlovian canine, I felt a rush of wonderful anticipation picturing myself biting that pumpkin in half and tasting the singular melding of milk chocolate with that slightly salty and delicious peanut butter. I’m not sure if I actually salivated but let’s just say the feeling of desire for this, the Cadillac of counter candy, was strong. They got me. Again.

One of the nice things about holidays is that they come around each year no matter what. There is a stability that’s inherent to these inevitable and theoretically pleasant annual occasions. And, even if a certain holiday ends up being a bummer this year, there’s a chance for a better one next year. I don’t need those amazing chocolate covered marshmallow turkeys that hastily appear on November 1st to inform me that Thanksgiving is approaching. At that point I’m still buying the massively reduced Halloween candy. Similarly, like the sun rising in the east I know that there will be 27 varieties of candy canes at Walgreen’s before I’ve even had my first left-over turkey omelet that Friday morning after Thanksgiving. You see, the themed candy coming out earlier every year just emphasizes how crazed many of us have become just rushing through various elements of our lives.

I’ve chosen to use the candy thing as a gentle reminder to not rush the holidays and, more importantly, to remember not to hurry through those wonderful experiences in our lives that truly are fleeting and won’t come around year after year. Some things do have a finality. For example, my son, now a senior at Greeley, is fully engaged in many a “for the last time” experience, be it varsity soccer or an acapella concert. Like most of his peers, he’s also focused on college applications. It is easy to obsess over the details, and not just embrace this year long moment. On a recent college visit upstate, he and I were talking about spiritual matters and I was quite impressed with his perspective. I realized that college is not just the next thing, but the perfect venue for him to continue to evolve. Notably, this moment felt like a respite from the college application mania that is so pervasive. Of course, the moment faded back to crazed fervor when I realized he hadn’t brought a button down shirt for his admissions interview, and we’d have to find a Kohl’s and pick one up. Sigh.

With the winter holidays approaching, it occurs to me that despite all the noise–whether constant holiday advertising, music, office parties and even something as simple as green & red M&M’s (which are awesome) – I’m going to take a Zen approach and try to just be in the moment. I will try to focus on presence rather than presents this time and not let the all-consuming, if well-intentioned, madness engulf me. 
At least that’s the plan.

I’m not a particularly sentimental person and I grew up without much focus on the winter holidays. In college, however, I had a girlfriend for whom Christmas was by far the most wonderful day of the year. Yet every single Christmas I spent with her, she ended up crying; and those were not tears of joy. At the time, I just tried (and often failed) to not make things worse. In retrospect, I think she was innocently guilty of buying into the pre-holiday hysteria and building the day into an unachievable ideal. And, those were the days when chocolate snowmen didn’t come out until December 1st. I can only imagine how she gets through it now.

I suppose that a truly spiritual being would be able to keep things in perspective throughout their life and have the clarity to be constantly present in their own existence. That ability does not come to me naturally. However, I am at a stage in my life where I do have moments of reflection and recognition, and, if I’m lucky enough to embrace them, that will be a fine accomplishment this holiday season and year ahead. At least I’ll try. Don’t get me wrong, I will be buying and eating holiday-themed chocolate all the way to Valentine’s Day and through Easter. And don’t get me started on those Cadbury Cream Eggs.

Dan Levitz has lived in Chappaqua for ten years and is an art dealer and writer with a blog on The Huffington Post.