The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

Et Cetera

A Mindful Mother’s Day Guide

by

Jodi and her mom

By Jodi Baretz

Wikipedia states: “Mother’s Day is a celebration honoring motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society.”

But day to day, we all know that Mom is a huge, complicated job, influenced by many factors. Mothers are the nurturers, caretakers, managers and glue of our families, and so much more.

Although our quest for perfectionism can feel justified in our community of overachievers, it would serve us well to accept that we are humans, not superheroes. We all make mistakes, endure tons of guilt, blame ourselves when our children hit a bump in the road; just like our mothers did before us. Relationships with our own mothers can be complicated as well. So, what if your Mother’s Day experience doesn’t fit on a Hallmark card? Here’s how I suggest you can give yourself the gift of a ‘mindful’ Mother’s Day.

Give yourself permission to not be perfect

Life is complicated for the modern mom. No matter what your children’s age, we all struggle with the same kinds of challenges. The mom’s in my mindfulness boot camp groups, as well as my clients, seem to express the same themes. Some common ones are: feeling like they are being pulled in so many different directions, struggling to get to-do lists done, not enjoying the moment… because their minds are usually thinking about the next one. In addition, they want to find meaning, purpose, and balance, all while trying to be the perfect mom. Ditch the perfectionistic mindset, you have a lot on your plate, and it will all get done eventually.

“Put the oxygen mask on yourself, before you put it on someone else.”

Filling up our own cup first is an essential ingredient to being a good mother. If we are run down, stressed, always trying to be perfect, we are not able to be the best mother we can be.

One thing at a time

Often we do not slow down enough to realize how chaotic our lives have become. We are so busy multi-tasking (which we think is something to be proud of), that we can sometimes stop doing anything well because we are constantly breaking our attention going from task to task. While I do realize multi-tasking is part of the job description, focusing on one task at a time makes us more effective, and decreases stress and anxiety.

Try a bit of self-compassion

In addition to self-care, self-compassion is something we, as mothers, neglect to practice. It is much easier and natural to beat ourselves up over everything from not cooking dinner to our child’s less than perfect behavior. Life happens. #%&! happens. Every mother goes through this. It’s part of the journey.

Try and tame the negative inner critic that berates you for your shortcomings. We all try to do the best we can, but despite our tireless efforts, we can’t guarantee to anyone ever that everything will run smoothly. We will always have moments when we freak out on our kids, and circumstances will arise that lead us to neglect certain tasks.

Our kids will struggle–and that’s ok because that is how they will learn and grow. So, when you hear that critical voice talking in your head, acknowledge that it’s there and then show yourself some compassion and stop paying attention to it. Instead, focus on all the good and positive things–the wonderful job you do as a loving, caring mom.

Cut your own mom some slack

Take a look at your relationship with your own mother, and show her some compassion as well. When you are little, your mom’s the center of the universe. The moment you realize she is simply human, and lacks the superpowers you thought she did, can be difficult to reconcile. You put her on a pedestal and it turns out she’s a flawed human being…just like you. There is something scary and humbling in realizing that. Accepting your mother for who she is, imperfections and all, will lead to a better relationship–you can’t change her anyway. Celebrate the good.

So if you struggle as a mother, or struggle with your mother, you are not alone. Parental relationships are complicated. D.W. Winnicott coined the notion of the “good enough mother,” which means that her failure to adapt to every need of the child helps them adapt to external realities. So, let’s honor all aspects of the journey and embrace imperfection as the Hallmark of motherhood. Happy Mother’s Day!

Jodi Baretz, LCSW, CHHC, is a psychotherapist, mindfulness and holistic health coach at The Center for Health and Healing in Mount Kisco.  She is the founder of the program and author of  Mindfulness is the New Skinny, and a speaker on mindfulness. She lives in Millwood with her husband and two teenage boys, Visit jodibaretz.com and join her this summer for meditation by the lake.

Understanding the Key Ingredients for a Successful Marriage

by

When you commit to marriage, you intend to take on the most meaningful project of your life.  All projects take work but why are some couples happy and others miserable in the process? While chemistry and romance play a part some couples work together more successfully than others. Being open to the following ways of relating is likely why.

Paying Attention

When you pay attention to each other, you become aware of each other’s moods and preferences. Paying attention to each other’s thoughts and feelings enables you both to intuit and address each of your needs. When you feel seen and heard by your partner, you feel valued and special.

Considering Differences

Opposites tend to attract. Your personalities may be complementary, but they also may be polarizing. When they are polarizing, you feel angry and frustrated. Rather than try to prove your way is better, think about why you approach the same problem so differently. Just the effort of considering rather than judging your partner’s point of view will likely feel very meaningful to him or her. Sometimes a husband or wife asks me dumbfounded, “Why can’t my spouse do it the way I would?” Asking a question instead of reaming your spouse for doing it “wrong” engenders a discussion.

Feedback is helpful. Criticism is alienating. When your spouse makes an accusation or complaint it is quite helpful to consider whether it has some validity. You can then decide if you are wed to your way or wed to your spouse.

Working as a Team

Teamwork is about good communication, patience, and encouragement while combining your skills to work together toward a mutual goal. It involves listening, considering what has been expressed, and responding with ideas that take into account both of your perspectives.  Sometimes arguing is necessary to find solutions, but arguing to hurt or prove the other person wrong is hurtful and divisive.

The experience of love and hate in the process of finding a mutually satisfying solution actually keeps relationships vital.  If you stay on the same side believing that you both have good intentions you will be kinder to each other. A happy marriage requires negotiation and at least some compromise. Finding a mutually gratifying solution or taking turns giving in allows you to recognize and appreciate the sacrifices you make for one another.

If you feel alienated, it’s likely one or both of you is engaging in unhealthy ways of coping. Inflexibility, giving up, blaming others, denying problems or abusing alcohol and drugs are some examples of unhealthy coping. One trap is turning to friends or family to gain support for negative feelings toward your spouse. More often than not this increases defensiveness, arguing and discord.

Giving and Gratitude

The spirit of giving and gratitude also works to keep couples together. Expressing appreciation for the ways in which you prioritize meeting each other’s needs engenders positive feeling. Expressing gratitude for the ways you take care of your household together can make chores feel less burdensome. Feeling taken for granted, results in withholding, anger and hopelessness. A relationship based on giving and gratitude and shared responsibility engenders cycles of reciprocity rather than resentment.

Being Flexible

If you both stay flexible, conflicts resolve more easily. Try to think about why you may be holding hard and fast to a belief. If you both dig in your heels and fight about whose way is right, it will be harder to resolve the problem. If either spouse asserts: “I am not going to change. You need to accept me for who I am,” he or she is not working toward the greater goal of mutual happiness. Unhappy couples are resigned to the idea that “people do not change” so they act and react to each with anger, passive aggression, stubbornness, and resignation.

Offering Friendship

Ask yourself what do you like about friendship? Companionship, laughter, support, fun, and good natured competition are typical answers. Good natured competition means the goal is to admire the winner and take losing in stride. Couples that spend time together sharing activities like playing a sport or even watching a TV series feel identified and connected. Spouses who share the benefits of friendship are happier.

Couples who succeed are the ones who face life challenges feeling like a good team. If you resolve your conflicts, generate solutions together, and reach your mutual goals, you will continue to feel satisfied and happy in your marriage. When you value each other, and enjoy each other, you know you are better together than apart.

Danika Altman, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice with adolescents, adults, and couples. She also works as a management skills and interview preparation coach. She has offices in Pleasantville, NY, and in Manhattan.

A Body’s Memory

by

The author’s husband and daughter, Mike and Hannah, in Japan in 2013
The author’s husband and daughter, Mike and Hannah, in Japan in 2013

By Dana Y. Wu

The mountain-top Kiyomizu temple in Kyoto is dedicated to Dai-zui-gu Bo-sat-su, the mother of Buddha. It is said that she can grant one’s wish, whatever it may be.

Hannah (my then 13 year-old daughter), my husband, Mike and I took off our shoes, paid our donation and started down the stairs under the temple–a “tunnel” to remind us of the womb of a mother. The sign on the wall simply said to hold onto the railing. It was made of round wooden ball–not a solid wood handrail, but like a string of prayer beads that swayed as we walked. Apparently, I hadn’t read the fine (Japanese!) print saying you’d better hold on because it was very, very dark inside…so dark, you couldn’t even see your hand in front of you.

I started to feel my heart pound. I suddenly wanted to bolt backwards and run out. I heard noises and smelled incense, and felt an intense wave of fear. I knew where I was, but I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. I called out “Mike, I’m having a panic attack” and felt the blood rush from my head. There were a couple of turns to navigate, but my feet were stuck. My heart was pounding and I thought I’d pass out. I heard him say, “It’s okay.” I was having a flashback to the first World Trade Center bombing. I couldn’t breathe.

Back in 1993, I was on the 63rd floor when terrorists detonated a truck bomb in the basement garage of One World Trade Center. The power was knocked out immediately, so I just grabbed my purse from my desk and ran out to the stairwells with my co-workers from the Port Authority of NY/NJ. We had to walk downstairs in darkness, with the smell of smoke and panic swirling as we evacuated the building. It was stop and go as we moved slowly down those stairs.

The stairwells were completely dark after a while–the emergency lights didn’t seem to be working, and we were proceeding down into increasingly smoky darkness. Somehow, my colleagues and I managed to get to the World Financial Center where the Red Cross had set up tables. We were covered in soot and dust–we didn’t even realize what we looked like until we reached daylight.

To this day, I can’t remember how I got home from work on February 26, 1993. It must have been cold, but I don’t think I even had my coat. At that point we didn’t yet know that it had been a bomb or imagine that our world would be forever changed by that single act of violence.

So here I was in Kyoto, all these years later, paralyzed with fear in the womb of the female Bodhisattva. My hand gripped the swaying railing ball. I knew this was a memory triggered by the darkness and incense of the temple “rebirth” but it also triggered some deep fear in me. Mike reassured me that we were coming to some light. “A few more steps.” Well, that’s what the firefighters said to us in 1993 on our way down those smoke-filled flights of stairs.

Near the end of the temple “tunnel,” there was a stone, rotating and bathed in light, on which is written the word “womb” in Sanskrit. I was grateful for the dim light, gasping up the stairs for air. The entire temple tunnel adventure was probably less than 10 minutes in duration. My own daughter was unaware of my fearful “rebirth” during this sightseeing stop.

When the taxi dropped us off that morning at the Kiyomizu temple, I hadn’t expected to be transported back 20 years to a memory that I had forgotten. I emerged from that temple experience with a visceral and physical reaction. In a world where we feel the constant threat of terrorism and gun violence, where in every corner of the globe there is disease, war and abuse, hunger and inequality, I was faced with my body’s own memory of how our life can be taken away in an instant.

What did I wish for when I reached that stone and the light? What would you wish for?

Dana Y. Wu, a Chappaqua mom of four, is an author, visual storyteller and local volunteer. Her not-for-profit management career includes experience at the New York Public Library. A life-long New Yorker, she graduated from Stuyvesant High School and Columbia University. She pursues her writing with the vibrant, creative community at the Jacob Burns Media Arts Center.

 

The Joy and Possibilities of Unconditional Love

by

By Rev. Dr. Martha Jacobs

Rev. Dr. Jacobs with her partner Pat Youst
Rev. Dr. Jacobs with her partner Pat Yost

After the shooting in Orlando, I heard about how families were pained to learn, only through death, that their loved one was gay. I cannot imagine the pain that those families felt, realizing that their now deceased loved one didn’t trust them enough to tell them about their sexual orientation. To have to live a part of who you are in secret can be so painful, not only for the person but for those that surround them.

I know, because I spent the better part of my 20s and 30s not talking with my parents about my own sexual orientation. While I was already with the person I loved and planned to spend the rest of my life with, and who made me very happy, and while my parents welcomed her and treated her in a way that was loving, we never discussed the truth about our love and our life together.

When I finally got the courage to talk with my parents about it, they were accepting, but I think that a part of them was hurt that I didn’t trust their love for me enough to tell them 15 years earlier. Their acceptance of Pat and me didn’t change, but there was a shift, as my dad started introducing Pat as his “other daughter.”

My parents had dealt with many challenges I presented to them over my teen and adult life (I had also converted from Judaism to Christianity), and yet they continued to love me. They were both amazing role-models of love without conditions.

In the mid-1980’s, I started attending The Riverside Church in Manhattan. There I heard from The Rev. Dr. William Sloane Coffin that all people, no matter their race, class or sexual orientation, were welcome and that God didn’t judge people for who they are but rather for how they treat others. I found myself accepted for all of who I was! To know that God accepted me, despite my being gay, was more than I could ever have imagined! That was totally new to me and opened up a whole new world of people who accepted me for who I was, which had previously only been available to me in my work in the theater.

This acceptance helped me to eventually answer a call to serve God.

My parents and my church showed me their unconditional love and modeled how to love unconditionally. This enabled me to do the same with people who were dealing with HIV/AIDS, whose families, in the late 1980’s and 1990’s, were not unconditionally loving to them. That unconditional love also enabled me to go through seminary, learn about treating all people with love and respect and welcoming everyone–even those who thought I didn’t belong at their table–to my table. Working as a chaplain in a hospital forced me to confront my own racism, my own classism, and my own anger with people who did not want to accept me for me. ­­­­­­­

When I found myself looking to move from hospital chaplaincy to parish ministry, I knew I wanted and needed to be in a church that welcomed all people. Of course, they would have to welcome me as a same-gender-loving person, but more than that, they would have to welcome everyone–no matter their skin color, culture, or social status, whether or not they were otherly-abled or LGBTQ, or even what kind of God they felt drawn to worship. God led me that amazing place–First Congregational Church.

martha with kid
With one of her younger congregants, Eric Bilodeau

When the church decided to call me as their minister (in the United Church of Christ, each congregation calls its own minister), there was no discussion as to my sexual orientation or the fact that I was a woman. This church is living out its decision to be an “Open and Affirming Church”–one that welcomes all to our church. I could not be prouder or more humbled by this congregation I serve. We proudly say, “No matter who you are, or where you are on life’s journey, you are welcome here.” And we mean it!

Rev. Dr. Martha Jacobs is Senior Minister at First Congregational Church of Chappaqua.

The Adventurous Spirit

by

Jodi Baretz at the Grand Opening of the Center for Health and Healing in Mount Kisco where she is a practitioner
Jodi Baretz at the Grand Opening of the Center for Health and Healing in Mount Kisco where she is a practitioner

By Jodi Baretz

Endings are naturally sad and beginnings are naturally scary. The end of the school year is bittersweet. June is full of graduations, whether it be from high school or simply moving up to the next school or grade. Wrapping up the year comes with many feelings, some of accomplishment, pride and excitement, and some of sadness for it’s the end of an era. It simply can have many meanings to different people based on their experience and where they are in life.

Moving up and moving out for our seniors can be an adventurous time. What will the next year be like? Will they make friends? Will they be happy? Will they survive? There is plenty to be nervous about. While there is plenty of uncertainty and unanswered questions, going into the unknown with a spirit of adventure can definitely allay some fears. Embracing this time of life, and being confident that all the preparation they have done has gotten them ready for this next phase is key. They are warriors and will prevail. While it’s all a new adventure, be prepared for the ups and downs. Be accepting of the fact that it’s ok if all doesn’t go perfectly.

“Always remember, it’s simply not an adventure worth telling if there aren’t any dragons.”
–Sarah Ban Breathnach

When we learn and grow, there may be some obstacles along the way, but that is what makes it all the better when we succeed. When we hold on too tightly to the notion of perfection, we fear the house of cards will fall at any time, so we can’t relax and enjoy the journey. Believe that you will be able to handle whatever comes, and so will they. There is nothing in life so far that you couldn’t handle. We get through it all, and the fears and stories we tell ourselves are so much worse than reality.

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously, that you might as well not have lived at all; in which case, you’ve failed by default.”
–J.K. Rowling to Harvard in 2008

My oldest son will be a senior at Greeley next year, and there are so many emotions that go along with that. There are many ways to look at this, and based on the way I think about it, will determine how I handle this transitional period in our lives. I know that it will be time for him to go, and he will be ready for his adventure. However, every time I think of him moving on, I become an emotional wreck. I keep reminding myself that this isn’t about me, and he is ready. We can’t freeze time. On the other hand, I am ready for my next adventure.

While I thoroughly enjoyed raising my kids, (for the most part), now it’s time for me. It’s time to travel, dive into my career, and do things that I am passionate about. So many of us tend to lose ourselves when we are tending to our kids. I see this often in my practice, and it’s so important for us to have our own adventures, desires and time for ourselves, even while the kids are still home. Making time for yourself is not selfish, we become better parents and people when we have things in our life that have meaning besides our kids.

When my children were younger, my husband told me that I always seemed to be “searching” for something. I needed my adventure, and to find something I felt good about doing.

I got out there and tried many things until I found what I loved to do. I talk a lot about how fear holds us back, especially a fear of failure. Yes, you may fail. I have many times, and each time brought me to my next step in my journey. Failure just means you had the courage to get out there and do something.

Begin Again

So whether it’s you or your kids, we all have adventurous spirits inside of us, and need to get out there and do what we love to do. Beginnings are scary for everyone, and things may not always be perfect, and that is ok. Perfectionism is way overrated, and living and embracing all that live has to offer is way more important. Congratulations to all the graduating seniors and empty nesters that have successfully raised their children. You will both be off on your own adventures…be that warrior, take your spear, and don’t fear the peaks and valleys.

Jodi Baretz, LCSW, CHHC is a psychotherapist and holistic health coach at The Center for Health and Healing in Mt. Kisco. She specializes in helping busy men and women reduce stress and anxiety using mindfulness and meditation. Jodi runs a Mindfulness Bootcamp group called “Mindful is the New Skinny,” and speaks to various groups, schools and organizations on the topic. Please visit www.jodibaretz.com.