The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

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An Original Funny Lady!

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The Jean Carroll Story as Told by her Granddaughter Susan Chatzky

Susan Chatzky  Photos by Carolyn Simpson

When you think of some of the most famous women in comedy, what names come to mind? Joan Rivers, Lily Tomlin, Ali Wong, Amy Schumer, Margaret Cho…the list goes on and on. But what if I told you there’s one woman who helped pave the way for them, and chances are you may not have heard her name before? Jean Carroll was one of the first female comedians who was able to “break through” the male-dominated world of comedy. Her life and story is a fascinating one–and even helped inspire the hit show The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

I had the chance to speak about Carroll and her lasting legacy with her granddaughter and Briarcliff Manor resident, Susan Chatzky.

Jean Carroll was born Celine (Sadie) Zeigman in Paris in 1911. Her family soon emigrated to the US, settling in the Bronx. Unfortunately, her home life was far from perfect. Her father suffered from alcoholism and abused her mother. Carroll resolved that she would be the one to save her mother and never be indebted to a man. At the age of 12, she began singing and dancing on the Vaudeville circuit as a way to earn money and support her family. Because she essentially became the “breadwinner” of the family, Carroll was able to force her father to move out of the house, making sure her mother and siblings no longer had to put up with any of his abuse.

Chatzky has fond memories of Carroll, who passed away in 2010 at the age of 98. “When you spoke with her, she would tell you that the minute she was told she couldn’t do something she would say ‘well that’s ridiculous’ and wasn’t going to stand for it. She just found certain things unacceptable and behaved as if everyone else did as well until she got her way.” Her foray into Vaudeville was all to support and protect her family. “She realized they would have to eat and pay rent, so she made sure the bills were paid.”

On the Variety circuit Carroll was a part of various “Man/Woman” acts in which the duo would exchange comedic banter between song and dance numbers. Eventually Carroll met Buddy Howe and the two formed an act before getting married. When Howe was drafted in World War II, Carroll continued performing on her own. Even when Howe came back, he encouraged her to have her own act and became her manager. Howe would go on to form his own talent agency, running what would eventually become ICM. As Chatzky remarks, “It was good for him that she was doing well­–she was one of his first clients. Her talent created the opportunity for him.”

Carroll’s comedy style and delivery was certainly revolutionary for the time. Most female comics would create dowdy characters, making themselves the joke. Chatzky says, “That’s how women were allowed to take up space in a male-dominated world–and Carroll was not having that.” She was the first “beautiful” comedian in the sense that she went for full glam–makeup, ballgowns, shoes and more, rather than feel the need to hide behind a caricature.

Carroll’s style of comedy and her appearance helped inspire the creators of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel! One of the writers was a fan of Carroll’s and was inspired by the way she spoke and the outfits she wore. Chatzky says, “The show created an aesthetic based on those women (Carroll, Rivers, Tomlin)–they are beautiful and that is who they are. They’re not making themselves the joke.”

After many years of performing in nightclubs and theaters around the country, Carroll made her debut on The Ed Sullivan Show (then known as Toast of the Town) in 1948. She would go on to appear on the show more than 20 times. This led to her own TV series that ran for one season in 1953–The Jean Carroll Show also known as Take it from Me.

Chatzky sees Carroll as a trailblazer, but not just in the field of comedy and entertainment. “I think it’s wonderful she opened things up in entertainment for women. The fact she was a woman who early on was pro-Israel, pro-choice, a Democrat–she fought for women to be equal and independent before it was the norm to fight for these things. She had a platform and a voice because of who she was and wasn’t afraid to use it.”

FAMILY PHOTOS COURTESY OF SUSAN CHATZKY

Carroll also made it a point to take care of her extended family. She wanted to make sure her grandchildren, nieces and nephews all had opportunities that she didn’t have such as finishing high school and attending college. She built a home in the Catskills and made sure it was big enough for everyone to visit and have a place to stay. Carroll made sure everyone was well-provided. She also never stopped learning–even taking college courses in Spanish and computer science when she was in her 80’s, just for fun. As Chatzky states, “She said, ‘I need to learn how to use a computer and Spanish is the language of our future.’”

As for Chatzky, she makes her home in Briarcliff Manor and is married to Deputy Mayor Peter Chatzky. She is currently on the Executive Board for the Center for Safety and Change in Rockland County, helping women and children faced with domestic abuse move into new homes She is also a rape crisis counselor and helps foster kittens for the SPCA. Some of Chatzky’s favorite things about Briarcliff Manor is its great location and proximity to the river, its trains, parks and library.

“We have so much to offer here,” she says. Reflecting on Carroll’s legacy, she tells a story of Henny Youngman famously stealing a joke from Carroll. “She went nuts–she talked to the press about it and wouldn’t stand for it. At the time, you don’t see your mother or grandmother as cool when they’re doing something like that, but I’m so glad she didn’t let it go.”

Carroll paved the way for many and stood her ground at a time when that wasn’t always the norm–and we can all be a little bit thankful for that.

A Treasured Friendship Circle over Canasta & Mah-Jongg – the Games Being Played Across Living Rooms & Generations

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(L-R): Aimee Marcus, Lisa Deitelzweig, Courtney Gordon, Debra Tillinger, Elizabeth Zimmerman and Cindy Rosenblatt   Photo by Donna Mueller

Chances are that if you live in the suburbs, you play or know someone who plays either mah-jongg or canasta. Though vastly different, the games are similar in the most important of ways; they are sources of socialization, entertainment, and cognitive stimulation. For many women who left the workforce to care for their children, these games are a lifeline where they can participate in adult conversation and share the experience of motherhood with other women in the suburbs. For some, these games are a passed down ritual from their mothers and grandmothers. For the elderly, it can ease loneliness and isolation.

What is Mah-jongg?

Mah-jongg is played by four people using domino-like tiles engraved with Chinese symbols and characters. The players draw and discard tiles to assemble a winning hand. Joan Rosenbaum, who teaches mah-jongg classes at North Castle Recreation Center, says “mah-jongg is a game of skill, strategy, socialization, and luck.”

Mah-jongg originated in China in the mid-1800’s primarily as a male gambling game. It began spreading throughout the world as a result of increased trade along ports of travel. In the 1920s it gained popularity in America. Naturally, with such widespread play across continents and cultures, various adaptations of the game developed and groups each had their own table rules. Many Chinese Americans played as a way of connecting to their heritage, but the game also became a popular pastime amongst Jewish women in the suburbs and in bungalow colonies in the Catskills. In 1937, a group of Jewish American women in New York City decided to standardize the rules of the game and formed the National Mah-jongg League. The league issues a card every year listing winning combinations of tile which change every year.

Rosenbaum eagerly awaits the new card’s release every Spring. After its release, her telephone always begins to ring with her friends calling to discuss the new hands. Rosenbaum remembers sitting by her mother and watching her play and wanting to be “just like her.”

“On game day in my house, I would put on a new tablecloth, put the racks out, mix the tiles, and sit down,” recalls Rosenbaum fondly. “The chattering would begin – what the women ate for dinner the night before, what they bought in the store, etc. Then the music of the clicking of the tiles began, a sound only a mah-jongg set can make. You cannot duplicate that wonderful sound.”

Armonk and Bedford residents Lisa Deitelzweig, Courtney Gordon, Aimee Marcus, Cindy Rosenblatt, Debra Tillinger, and Elizabeth Zimmerman have been playing together every Thursday for over 14 years. Both Tillinger and Zimmerman play with sets passed down from their grandmothers. They started playing when their children were in preschool and have kept Thursdays as their sacred mah-jongg day ever since. The women rotate houses weekly, serve lunch, and share lots of laughs.

“We went through the trenches together raising our children,” says Deitelzweig. “We support each other, and we have fun together. Our cardinal rule is ‘what is said at mah-jongg stays at mah-jongg.”

Besides playing and discussing everything ranging from politics, family, books, recipes, and tv shows, this group celebrates birthdays together and plans theatre and movie outings. Mah-jongg has been a jumping off point for many enriching activities in their lives.

What is Canasta?

Canasta, which means “basket” in Spanish, is a rummy-type game generally played by four players in two partnerships using two decks of cards. Players attempt to make melds of seven cards of the same rank and accrue as many points as possible. Canasta was invented in Uruguay in 1939 by two bridge players who wanted to create a quicker game than bridge but one with less of a luck factor than rummy. It spread throughout South America in the 1940’s, was introduced in America in 1949 and surged in popularity in the 1950’s. The Canasta League of America was founded to standardize the rules of the game.

Armonk resident Susan Cott, a private canasta instructor, says her whole life changed when she learned to play canasta.

“As a stay-at-home mom, I was always running errands and never made time for myself,” says Cott. “When I finally learned to play, it forced me to have at least one get-together a week with some friends. Additionally, I made so many new friends when my game would need a substitute player or when I would sub in someone else’s game.”

“Teaching canasta is such a joy for me,” she says. “There are two aspects that I love. Everyone is so confused at the first lesson, but then I start seeing the lightbulbs go off and that’s the best feeling for me. Secondly, I feel like I’m a matchmaker. When people walk away from my lessons having formed canasta groups and new friendships, that’s an amazing feeling. It’s very rewarding.”

Armonk resident Lori Cohen appreciates the game for its welcome diversion to her everyday life. “It’s my time to shut everything else out,” she says. “We’re often having so much fun chatting that we forget where we were in the game.”

During the pandemic, canasta and mah-jongg groups alike desperately missed their games. Determined to play, Rosenbaum and her friends took turns playing in each other’s garages dressed in coats and hats. One of her friend’s coats almost caught fire one day from one of the heaters. Zimmerman and her group played outside or on Facetime with iPad. To really spice things up, Bedford resident Darielle Cohen even invited her group over for “pool canasta” with an inflatable floating card table in her swimming pool. Clearly, no one was willing to relinquish these meaningful moments of fun and camaraderie.

Besides all the fun, both games demand some serious mental gymnastics to stay engaged in conversation while simultaneously paying attention to the game and formulating a strategy. One thing is undeniable; bits of conversation between hands, while shuffling tiles or cards over the years has led to beautiful friendships.

For more information on mah-jongg lessons through the Town of North Castle recreation department, go to northcastleny.com.

To reach Susan Cott for your own canasta lessons, you can email her at canastamastasusan@gmail.com.

Lessons are available by private instruction or via the Town of North Castle Recreation Department.

The Joy of Being a Grandparent: Locals Share Stories from the Heart

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It is said that grandparents are the perfect blend of love, laughter, and happy memories. We spoke to five local residents about the joy they experience being a grandparent whether their grandkids are newborns, nine or 19. It’s clear that this is a role they truly relish. Here is who we interviewed for the story: Jon Cobert, Adina Olan, Bea DeRose, Fran Falk-Ross and Carol Weston.

Jon Cobert: Rock and Roll Chappaqua-Based Grandfather

Longtime Chappaqua residents Jon and his wife Wendy welcomed two granddaughters, Chloe and Hannah, in the past three years. When they were first born, they resided in Washington DC. His granddaughters now moved closer to Ridgefield CT which Jon and Wendy are overjoyed about.

With Chloe who is almost three, Jon enjoys having tea parties, coloring, and playing with Legos. “Hannah just started eating solids so we gave her a piece of chicken wing during the Super Bowl which of course I took a picture of,” he laughs. My wife’s greatest joy is being a grandma- buying them clothes, playing dress up,” he adds.

One of Jon’s proudest moments was when he realized his granddaughter loves loud music. A longtime musician (and legend in his own right) who has played with legends such as John Lennon, Bruce Springsteen and Dionne Warwick, Jon took Chloe to his studio in the basement and plugged his guitar into the amplifier. “Chloe said, “more loud”, and I thought to myself, “thank goodness, I have a rock and roll granddaughter.”

Adina Olan: Chappaqua Business Owner and Enamored New Grandma

Former Chappaqua resident Adina Olan who owns Breathe Pilates and Yoga Studio on South Greeley Avenue eagerly took on her new role as a grandmother when her first grandchild Levi Joseph was born this past summer. Not only did Olan become a certified doula to become involved with her daughter Jordan’s pregnancy but she also stayed for a whole month post-partum to help her daughter and son-in-law, David with the baby.

“Levi is very playful and interactive. I babysit him and help with feedings. It’s very easy to spend a lot of time with him,” Olan says. And of course, being a Pilates instructor Levi gets “tummy time” to build a strong core when Olan comes for a visit.

Although Levi hasn’t turned one yet, Olan can’t wait for him to talk and to share giggles. She also is looking forward to doing activities with him such as taking long walks or trips to King Kone. She hopes to do many of the things that her and her husband Ross did with their three children, only this time with a bit of more patience.

Olan brings up a meme about being a grandparent that rings true for her. “With your own kids, you’ll make them a meal and say here, take it but this is what I have for you to eat. With your grandkids, you’ll ask them if they want their sandwich cut in hearts or stars,” she says with a chuckle.

Many of Olan’s clients were excited for her to become a grandma. “I wear my heart out on my sleeve to everyone in that studio. I’m involved in my clients lives and vice versa. They know everything about me.” Olan’s clients heard all about her daughter’s wedding, the pregnancy and when Levi was born.

Plus many knew Jordan well as she had moved back to Chappaqua during COVID and was often seen on Zoom mat Pilates classes taught by her mother. So, when Levi was born, Olan placed a photo of him in her weekly email which lists the class schedule at Breathe. Clients were overwhelmingly positive about it and now photos of him are featured frequently.

Olan is most impressed with how her kids have taken on their new role as parents. “Jordan and David are such good calm parents and it is showing up in Levi’s personality,” says Olan.

One of the things that you’ll notice about Olan is her sheer honesty. “When Levi was first born, he wasn’t doing much. I was very hands-on with him but my husband wasn’t. Now that Levi is a bit older, Ross is more interactive with him.” Olan was smitten right away with Levi but it took some time for her husband to realize just how great it is to be a grandparent. The last time Levi visited with them for an extended period, Ross finally realized “this kid is amazing. The baby bug had [officially] bit him,” Olan says happily.

Bea DeRose: Baking Grandma from Briarcliff Manor

Bea DeRose is a 30-year resident of Briarcliff Manor who raised two sons in town with her husband, Cesare. Today, the now retired DeRose has two sets of grandkids – Sabrina, 13 and Juliana, 8 who live in town and Esme, 4 and Max, a toddler who lives in Manhattan. Although their ages run the gamut, it is clear that Bea loves her role as “nana”, which is her preferred name.

Reminiscing on her role as nana, DeRose say that she got to spend a lot of time with Sabrina as a baby since she was her first grandchild. Although Sabrina is busy with school and sports, they still make time for each other and love going out for lunch together. With Juliana, DeRose loves to bake and cook. “She’s my baking partner. We make cookies and I taught her how to scramble eggs so I told her for Easter she has to make a dozen eggs for the family,” she laughs. “Juliana asks all types of questions like how does the digestive system work?’ she continues and DeRose who retired from the healthcare field, cherishes these types of conversations. “She really understands what I am telling her.”

With her younger Manhattan-based grandkids, DeRose loves watching them grow. “Esme is her own little person and changes costumes every 15 minutes so of course for Christmas, I bought her some princess costumes,” notes DeRose. Hearing the pride in her voice, DeRose delights in an anecdote about Esme this year in pre-K. “A new boy came to school in the middle of the year and Esme took him by the hand and introduced him to everyone and showed him the classroom. She is very kind and friendly.”

Being a boy mom herself, DeRose was over the moon when baby Max was born. “I waited for this guy for a while. He’s running around now trying to repeat what we are saying,” she says delightedly. “It is the best thing in the world being a nana. These kids are really a gift,” she sums up.

Fran Falk-Ross, A Fun-Loving and Active Pleasantville-Based Grandma

Dr. Fran Falk-Ross, chair of the department of education at Pace University in Manhattan loves spending time with both her city dwelling granddaughters as well as her suburban Maryland grandchildren along with her retired physician husband Stephen. With Maisie, 15 and Marlowe 13, she enjoys walking with them around the city to restaurants and Broadway shows as well as playing family favorites like Monopoly and cards.

With her younger suburban-based grandkids, six-year-old Jacob and four-year- old Sadie, they all pile into the car for family outings. She loves talking to them and their interaction. “I’m always surprised how much they learn and retain–you think they aren’t listening but they are.”

“Sadie told me that she learned about Martin Luther King and that he loves peas and so does she. I said he loves peace, not peas. There is always something to teach them,” Falk-Ross says with a chuckle and adds that they teach her things as well.

Even though Falk-Ross is in her 70s, she does a lot of sports with them especially the older grandkids including skiing, tennis, pickleball and ice skating. Once she even did the climb and zipline treetop adventure at the Bronx Zoo with Maisie and Marlowe.

She hopes her grandkids learn to take a chance whether it be pushing the little ones on the swings a bit higher or exploring new ideas and options. “I hope my grandkids can also learn to be purposeful and go for what they want and ask for what they want. I want them to feel good about their own ideas and ask questions with feeling accepted.

Carol Weston: An Armonk Author Who Loves Reading with Her Grandkids

Armonk resident Carol Weston, an author who appears frequently at the Chappaqua Children’s Book Festival, has written more than a dozen books for children including such popular favorites as “Ava and Pip” and “Speed of Life.”

Although her books are written for an older audience, Weston always finds time to read to her two grandsons, Waylon, 3, and Frost,1. “I always have board books in my bag and there’s nothing like going to the library to get a stack of books that you and your grandchild like. “Some books you don’t mind reading a thousand times,” says the self-described “besotted” grandmother.

Although her grandchildren live in Montana and Maine, Weston and her husband Rob are happy to travel long distances to see them. “I was crying when Waylon was a baby and we had to say goodbye. Your heart is outside of your body in this whole other being. It is just this undiluted and unconditional love.”

Reflecting on her time as a parent, Weston said the hardest part of parenthood is trying to balance so many things. “As a grandparent, my job is all about enjoying them.”

And Weston surely does with trips to nearby Rochambeau Farm, the Central Park carousel, and ice cream outings. She and Rob tag team when watching the kids. “He’ll plop them in the wheelbarrow and take them around the yard and I’ll read to them. We help each other out and we realize this is a fleeting moment. So get in there and enjoy it,” she advises other grandparents.

Area Journalists Address Alarming Trends Hurting Journalism, but also Relay Reasons for Optimism

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Chappaqua Library Panel on the Future of Local Journalism.  Photo by Andrew Vitelli

Fewer Reporters, Social Media & Artificial Intelligence Challenges, and an ongoing Funding Puzzle were Discussed at the Chappaqua Library Panel Event

David McKay Wilson, now a columnist for The Journal News, began working for the Gannett in 1986. At the time, he recalled, “every town was covered, every school board.”

“You got that Sunday newspaper that was like this,” he said, using his hands to signal the edition’s heft. “That of course has all changed.”

Wilson was one of four journalists on a panel on the future of local journalism held March 22 at the Chappaqua Library. The panel was moderated by Inside Press publisher Grace Bennett.

Martin Wilbur, editor-in-chief of The Examiner, expressed a similar concern, recalling that in the past every community and school district would be covered by its own fulltime reporter.

“When you consider just in about 30 years, the diminishment of that, it is alarming,” Wilbur said. “At The Examiner, I feel like a guy with one water bucket, and I’ve got 10 places where my roof is leaking, and I am running around.”

The diminished presence of local news was a major theme of the panel discussion. Since 2005, Bennett noted in her introductory remarks, some 2,500 newspapers have closed in the US, a quarter of the total, with the Covid-19 pandemic accelerating that trend.

“The influence and purpose of journalism and the value of the Fourth Estate has been clear for centuries,” remarked Bennett. “In trying times like these, our nation could use not less journalism, but more, and we need new government funding and research and a template for saving and even expanding journalism.”

(L-R): “Future of Local Journalism” panel moderator Grace Bennett, Inside Press, with Panelist Martin Wilbur, Examiner News, Chappaqua Library Program Coordinator Joan Kuhn, Panelist Michelle Falkenstein, freelance writer, and Panelists David McKay Wilson and Asher Stockler, Journal News.
Photo by Denise Mincin

 

Modern Day Tech Challenges

“It is very difficult to adapt the traditional structure of news to a lot of newfangled media,” said Asher Stockler, a government accountability reporter for The Journal News. “I don’t know how I could condense a story, let’s say, about police brutality into a TikTok.”

While local newspapers have been shut down or scaled back their staff, there’s been an explosion of low-quality news sources.

“In 2019, the Pew Research Center found that 54% of Americans got their news sometimes or often from social media, the number one source being Facebook,” said Michelle Falkenstein, a freelance culture reporter. “So, it is alarming, really.”

A handful of social media sites have a tremendous impact on what articles get views and clicks, a dynamic Stockler called “one of the biggest threats” to a robust news industry. Clickbait headlines can skew a social media site’s algorithm to promote vapid regurgitations of old stories.

“Even with, ‘if it bleeds it leads,’ a lot of times it was a sensationalized version of some sort of actual basis,” Stockler said, referring to the old adage that gruesome stories were typically featured prominently. Often with clickbait, he said, “there is no new information.”

And then there is the effect that 280-character tweets and 30-second reels have had on the attention spans of news consumers.

“You can’t write long anymore,” said Falkenstein. “If I get 800 words, I feel like I hit the jackpot.”

Addressing Artificial Intelligence

Soon, reporters will have to contend with advanced AI – artificial intelligence – which Stockler called an “impending disaster.”

AI can be a reporting tool, he acknowledged, but there is a danger if it is used to replace instead of supplement the reporting process.

“What do you do when an algorithm creates something libelous or something defamatory?” Stockler asked. “I just think it is going to open a rift in terms of whatever trust is left in the content generation business.”

Despite all the headwinds facing local news, the conversation was far from all gloom and despair. Social media brought with it some benefits, the panelists noted, including the ability to engage with their readers.

“I’m a boomer and I love Facebook,” said Wilson. “I know that is not popular in some settings but I really do.”

Wilson said he posts all his stories on Facebook and other social media sites.

“Part of my journalism is being on Facebook and having these interactions with people who I know,” he said. “It’s an engagement that I enjoy, and I think that it has got to be part of journalism today.”

Certain parts of the country, Falkenstein explained, are news deserts, where there is little to no coverage of what is happening locally. “People end up paying more to live in these communities, because they are not aware of things that are going on with taxes and that sort of thing or pet projects that might come up,” she said. “They also don’t vote as much. They don’t feel as invested.”

Better News in Places Like Westchester

Though the local news scene is less robust than it once was, Westchester and the Hudson Valley have “bucked the trend a little bit,” Bennett posited.

“In Westchester, we are relatively lucky. There is an informed citizenry or a citizenry that wants to learn more about what is going on,” said Wilbur. “And there is enough disposable income among businesses and organizations that a lot of places around the country do not have.”

And while the platforms and the technology may continue to change, the key to retaining readers’ trust is much the same – “doing really good work,” he added. That includes transparent sourcing, printing opposing opinions, and running corrections when necessary.

“We don’t know the next platform or the next thing six weeks, six months, six years. We just know it’s going to change, and it’s going to continue to change,” concluded Wilbur. “And the organizations that survive are the ones who will best be able to adapt to whatever might come their way.”

 

Local Experts Share Strategies for Being Happy in your Relationship

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With 40-50% of marriages in the United States ending in divorce, it makes one wonder about the reason for that shockingly high statistic, and what can be done to keep a marriage happy and healthy.

Michelle Obama’s book The Light We Carry focuses on navigating relationships, sharing what she has learned from her own marriage. In an interview with National Public Radio, she continuously highlights that all marriages take work. She refutes the common philosophy that a marriage should be 50/50 at all times. Instead, emphasizing that at any given moment, it is more than likely that one person will be giving more. Over time, these compromises should go both ways, but it is unrealistic to expect an equal share of work to be a constant. Michelle Obama’s vulnerability opens the discussion of what a genuine long-term marriage looks like and what skills are vital in preserving a healthy relationship. She fears that by avoiding this discussion, it causes people to bolt the instant they face a period of discomfort. So, let’s talk about it. Because a marriage can never be perfect, but there are mindset shifts, skills, and tools that can be utilized to try and help make it work.

Cartoons by Michael Gyory

Jane Winfield, a clinical social worker at Repose, which has recently opened an office in Pleasantville, shared her insights on how a happy marriage can be sustained. First, she shared the importance of not running from conflict, and letting go the common misconception that anger is a negative emotion. In reality, anger is inevitable, so avoiding it will only increase tension.

“Healthy and happy couples are just as likely to get angry at each other. It’s more about what we do with anger. Are we able to remain respectful, supportive, and loving? Are we able to maintain our closeness and intimacy even if we’re angry?”

And when anger and conflict do arise, which they will, Winfield highlighted that it is not about “looking at the content of the conflict as much as the process of it. So, it’s not about what we are arguing about; what’s more important is how are we arguing. Are we arguing in ways that are gentle, that are respectful, and that make our partner feel heard and seen?”

Winfield also often recommends that each member of a relationship should see their own individual therapist before embarking too deeply in couples’ therapy. In individual therapy, couples can explore how their own past is bleeding into their current relationship. For example, they will examine the types of conflict they experienced in their own households as “people have often learned a lot of unhealthy communication patterns growing up.” By examining old wounds from past relationships, it helps each individual heal so that “those wounds don’t just keep getting replicated in the present.”

Sharon Okun, life coach and energy healer in Armonk, also spoke of the importance of caring for yourself “to more effectively show up in your relationships.” Okun “helps people calm down, get centered, and be present in their bodies.” When we slow down, breathe, and try to find little moments of joy throughout our days, we are happier, calmer, and less irritable. If we don’t take the time to assess our own emotions, we are likely to take something personal out on our partner before we have even had the ability to process it. By teaching people how to get grounded, Okun therefore helps them be calmer in their relationships as well. After all, we must be able to show up for ourselves before we have the capacity to show up for someone else.

Perhaps a bottom line is that to have a happy and healthy relationship with another person, one must also have a happy and healthy relationship within themselves. Jodi Baretz, a psychotherapist and mindset and relationship coach in Chappaqua, says that it is vital that each partner maintains their individuality and personal life for a marriage to be sustainable. “When you rely too much on the other person it puts too much pressure on them. You need to have your own friends and your own life because one person can’t be everything to you,” explained Baretz. She provided the example that if you really enjoy traveling, but your partner does not, you can find a friend to travel with rather than either forcing your partner to go with you or abandoning your passions–both of which would only lead to resentment for the other person.

Baretz also suggests prioritizing making time for each other and having fun together: “It’s not just about the to-do lists and the kids. “Try doing an activity together where you laugh together and just have fun,” she said. And this may require a couple to expand their horizons past a dinner date, and rather try something new and exciting.

Baretz also spoke on the importance of acceptance of the other person. She often finds people coming to her complaining about their partner and how they wish that they would change. Trying to change someone else to be happy in the relationship is most often unachievable–and will only build resentment. Baretz explained that “true power isn’t controlling the other person, but being able to control your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.” If we focus on what we can control, like how we respond to the other person, it can in turn shift their behavior.

Indeed, when we stop fixating on someone’s flaws, it also allows us to truly listen to what they are saying. Throughout Baretz’s experience helping people with their marriages, she has found that a common theme amongst struggling couples is someone not feeling heard, or seen. She shares that “one of the quickest ways to get a relationship back on track is to really acknowledge, appreciate, and validate the other person.” And the only way to make your partner feel heard, is to genuinely listen, and more importantly, to listen without becoming defensive. Rather than rushing to justify your actions when your partner talks about how what you do is making them feel, accept that the behavior you are being accused of is probably not something that they are making up out of thin air. When we take our ego out of the equation, an argument with a partner can be productive, serving as a clue as to why the relationship is having issues.

When you check your own behavior, you can evaluate how you can be a better partner before placing blame on the other person for the relationship’s faults. Baretz advises that anyone in a marriage should ask themselves: “would you want to be married to you?”

About our cartoonist: Michael Gyory is the third of three only children reared in the idyllic woods of Katonah. He graduated from John Jay High School and holds a Master’s degree in Communication from U. Penn. He is the son of Hungarian survivors and proudly serves as Chair of the Holocaust and Human Rights Education Center. Michael currently lives in Irvington, and has one son who, he says, is a much better artist.