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Single & Smart

Tips for Women who Plan to Travel Solo

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Miriam (second from left) on a cliff in Morocco with new friends met on a guided tour.
Miriam (second from left) on a cliff in Morocco with new friends met on a guided tour.

By Miriam Longobardi

Have you ever wanted to get on a plane and leave the country to have an adventure by yourself? If the idea feels simultaneously appealing yet overwhelming, allow me to break it down into a manageable plan. I have taken several, three-week solo journeys overseas exploring new countries and, while it takes considerable planning, the freedom is exhilarating!

Research and plan. Preparing for my trips builds excitement and anticipation. I enjoy reading travel books about my destinations. Rick Steves’ books cover many European destinations and his tips are very helpful and practical, but I read across many sources to find a consensus about neighborhoods, local customs and hot spots, and the best times to visit certain attractions. Steves has podcasts and interactive maps you can download for walking tours and the audio guide to many museums which saves money and time waiting on lines to rent headsets.

Simply load up your phone and get right to sightseeing. Most tourist attractions offer online ticket purchases and some allow you to choose your entry time. Consult maps: Streetwise makes easy-to-read large, laminated maps of many cities and will give you a sense of where to stay based on your plans. Consider your activities both day and night. Do you want to be on the beach and take cabs to town or in town and take a cab to the beach?

Do you want to be able to walk to most places or stay off the beaten path? Maximize your time by familiarizing yourself with the city in advance.

Read reviews. As a woman traveling alone I like a specific destination. TripAdvisor, Booking.com, Airbnb and VRBO are all reputable sites I have used to book accommodations abroad. I cannot stress enough the importance of thoroughly reading several reviews because people are generally honest. Weigh the disgruntled traveler’s poor experience against the others. I chose a hotel in Spain because the manager personally responded to every review which showed customer service is a priority. If you’re staying several days or a week in one city, consider renting an apartment or home on VRBO or Airbnb. I have rented lovely apartments on VRBO when I had my young daughters in tow at significantly lower cost than a hotel and had a kitchen and washing machine.

Another good option traveling solo is a bed and breakfast because the proprietors are usually on site and can be an excellent resource. After reading reviews about a B&B in Italy, I stayed there because all reviewers mentioned how fun and friendly the couple who ran it were, and they turned out to be really terrific company!

Be safe. The moment has arrived: you’ve checked into your hotel, you’ve got your map (keep it with you at all times!) and you’re ready to go exploring. Lock your passport and money in a safe at your hotel and carry a securely zipped purse across your body, holding tightly at all times, especially when snapping photos or admiring views. Carry just enough cash and one credit card, and alert your banks that you’ll be out of the country.

When it comes to unwelcome attention from men, err on the side of being rude –they’ll get over it. Men from certain cultures flirt nearly compulsively, and certain cultures have a general lack of respect for unescorted women. Don’t take it personally and avoid isolated parts of town.

Solo socializing. Some find socializing alone daunting, especially if you’re not a 20-something backpacker toward which much nightlife is geared. Quieter venues for a more mature crowd tend to attract couples, so where to go? My biggest challenge is finding casual but lively bars for people close(ish) to my age. I ask hotel staff, salespeople and bartenders for ideas. A group tour can help connect you with potential companions, or simply strike up a conversation with people around you. I asked locals in Venice where good nightlife is and they took me all around, showing me the town. When a cab driver in Croatia asked me where to, I said, “Surprise me,” and he dropped me at a beach concert which was a blast! He even arranged to pick me up afterward knowing I was alone and cabs would be scarce!

If solo travel is something you’ve considered, give it a try. For a first time, you may want to pick an English-speaking country or even just a U.S. or Canadian city to get your feet wet. Traveling at your own pace is incredibly liberating and you’ll meet and interact with far more people than with a friend or group. Start planning, and get out there! The world beckons.

Miriam is a single mother of two daughters living in Westchester. She is currently planning her boldest solo journey yet-three weeks in Thailand, Singapore, and Hong Kong this summer.

Home Alone for the Holidays? How To Embrace the Time

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Grown-up time! Our author (right) takes time away from kids to co-host an annual holiday party with Jennifer Cahill.
Grown-up time! Our author (right) takes time away from kids to co-host an annual holiday party with Jennifer Cahill.

By Miriam Longobardi

Many people experience the holidays alone, and that’s true, whether or not the choice is your own. Perhaps your grown child is spending the holidays with the in-laws or you’re newly separated or divorced and your children will be with the other parent. Those who have experienced the loss of a loved one may be facing the first holiday season without that person. Regardless of circumstances, there are strategies to ensure that holidays can be as peaceful and happy as possible!

As a single parent with sole custody, I am fortunate to have my children with me all the time, holidays included. Our traditions are a combination of those of my own childhood and newly created routines that have evolved over the years. One of our most difficult holidays was the first Christmas without my father, who had been the central father-figure of my children’s lives. We honored him by reliving happy memories of the years we had with him. It did not completely remove our sadness at his loss, but we tried to focus on the loving memories of him that we hold dear. Now that my oldest daughter is off to college, having her back in the house brings an extra energy to our season. I treasure our time together.

Sometimes there are fairly unique circumstances that have a family separated. Last year Shari, a local mother of two, remained home with the children, both high school students, while her husband Mitchell accepted a three-year assignment in Japan. The decision to have the family living apart while he takes advantage of a great business opportunity was not easy, nor was adjusting to their first holiday season apart.

“Being single last year during the holidays was extra difficult because I felt I had to do everything two adults had done in years prior. I thought I’d fail if I didn’t get it all done,” she shared. Succumbing to pressure she put on herself, she stayed up late and woke up early to work, cook, clean, decorate, shop, and bake and wound up run-down and sick through most of the season. “Before that, I had not been sick in nearly four years, so I knew I needed a different approach this year. I started meditating, took courses on mindfulness, and have decided that this is the year I approach that to-do list with a new and reasonable attitude. I have to enjoy the moment, each moment, whether or not my husband is there to enjoy it with me.”

If we feel well physically, we will cope more easily with holiday stress of any sort, suggests Sharon Gilchrest-O’Neill, Ed.S., LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Mount Kisco and the author of Sheltering Thoughts About Loss and Grief, among other books. Getting enough exercise releases endorphins that help maintain energy levels. For people prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder, head outside for fresh air and whatever sunshine is available for a vitamin D boost.

Staying connected to others is also important and Gilchrest-O’Neill recommends old-fashioned phone calls versus emails or texting, as well as getting enough sleep and eating as healthy as possible despite the many tempting holiday treats.

For families living with divorce, she recommends keeping things as calm and uncomplicated as possible. “This is not the time to deviate from your child custody agreements as consistency over time is critical for children’s sense of security. This is definitely not the time to bring a new person into the mix, someone you’ve been dating for a month or two. Be prepared for the inevitable feelings of loss that you will need to deal with; consider that very often these are not directly about your ex-spouse, but rather about the life you’ve created over the years,” she said. “If you’ve had a favorite custom or special food that makes you happy, be certain to carry on with it.”

Another friend of mine who is single embraces the fact that she does not have to share her holidays with any in-laws. Caroline, now in her 40s, was married briefly in her 20s and is a wonderful hostess who has always loved to entertain.

“I don’t have to worry about someone’s crabby aunt who’s going to complain about everything or putting my family aside to spend time with someone else’s. I have taken trips and flown off to visit friends in faraway places during the holidays,” she said. “I throw parties and gather together people of my own choosing and I really wouldn’t have it any other way.”

If you find yourself alone during the holidays, have a list of fun or interesting things you have been meaning to do or places to go and make sure you do something enjoyable just for you. Indulge in a spa treatment or a bucket of popcorn while watching one of the newly released films.

Reach out to a friend with whom you have lost touch. Staying connected to others, taking care of ourselves, drawing the line on that to-do list and prioritizing obligations are steps we can take throughout the year, but are especially important at a time of year when the pressure to celebrate can overwhelm. Take time for you this holiday season and get the New Year started right.

Miriam Longobardi is a freelance writer, fourth grade teacher and single mother of two daughters living in Westchester. A breast cancer survivor, she volunteers for the American Cancer Society, has completed four marathons and travels the world. Follow her on Twitter @writerMimiLong.

 

 

Self Exploration

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By Grace Bennett

Not too long ago, my Self surrendered under extreme duress to enemy forces. Sadly, she is still being held hostage by said forces intent on replaying, reliving, retelling.  Re…diculous!

Fortunately, positive internal negotiations are underway to rescue imprisoned Self, and especially to restore her vitality, which was seriously compromised during a largely unprovoked siege led by another, one might argue, more self preserving Self.

An outside individual, offering freely and generously from herSelf wisely advises: “Once you stop hitting the replay button to get to the bottom of what happened and why, you will be just fine.”

Moral of the story:  Sometimes, for survival and sanity’s sake, you need to hang up the quest for clarity and resolution simply to clear a path for the far more critical and safe return of your very essence. To thine own self: not only be true…be a hero.

What Have You Done For You, Lately?

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“Friends keep me sane and grounded,” says Miriam. To the left of Miriam (l-r): Buddies Amy Mittelstadt, Jennifer Cahill and Genine Coccoli DiFalco.
“Friends keep me sane and grounded,” says Miriam. To the left of Miriam (l-r): Buddies Amy Mittelstadt, Jennifer Cahill and Genine Coccoli DiFalco.

Are you in a holding pattern caused by loneliness? Anyone can experience the painful awareness of not connecting with others–married or single.  Strong, competent women rationalize being treated poorly by awful men to avoid loneliness. Others in healthy relationships feel isolated by the lack of true friendships outside that relationship. Loneliness is a state of mind that can be changed by connecting with yourself first.

My most profound loneliness was being in a marriage I had outgrown.  After being married several years with two young children, I had drifted away from many of the friends I had growing up and in my early 20s. My emotions were in turmoil and I had nobody in whom to confide. Despite our sporadic socializing we reconnected immediately and I began rebuilding other friendships I had neglected over the years. My friends gave me strength to pursue my divorce and that step empowered me to start questioning what I want to do with the rest of my life.

If you are not doing things to fulfill all parts of your self–intellectually, physically, and spiritually–you are not truly living. For years, I coasted on auto pilot. I worked, took care of my kids and collapsed exhausted each night. I realized I wanted more and started setting goals. I have the same 24 hours in my day as anyone and I work full time,  juggle the busy lives of two teenage girls and my own social life, yet I don’t just come to life on weekends. I ensure there are things I do for my mind, body and soul each day. What have you done for you lately?

Dinners and nights out with my friends are a given, but I belong to the Jacob Burns Film Center and enjoy seeing films alone.  Running makes me feel good and that led to running marathons. Travelling the world alone connects me deeply to the moment and myself–quite the opposite of lonely.  Between family, work, travelling and socializing, I met a guy.  We clicked instantly and became involved. While happily enjoying my life I met someone, exactly how all the magazines said it would happen.  My happiness was short-lived, however, when things ended abruptly six months later. Yes, I was sad, but I rechannelled that sadness into a freelance writing career which fulfils me creatively.  Changing grade levels after 18 years challenged me professionally.

Can I pursue all things, all the time? No. Life is a balancing act. Deciding to learn a new curriculum meant publishing fewer articles, but planning new, creative lessons and teaching older students fulfills me in new ways.  Some weeks I’m too busy to run as much as I ‘d like so I read or watch a movie.  Actively pursuing things I enjoy gives me more energy than I had as a young mother, and strong friendships transcend any romantic relationship.  So how can you reconnect with yourself and your old friends?

  • Take that first step. Send that message to someone you have been meaning to contact.  Suggest after work drinks with colleagues and widen your social network.
  • Join a social website. Meetup.com has groups for any interest. Some are geared toward singles but I suggest finding groups geared to your own interests or create your own group!
  •  Select an interest or two and devise a plan. If it’s travel, calculate costs and plan your trip. Thinking about learning a language, or taking a cooking or photography class? Check out Chappaqua Continuing Education or other community or city options.
  • Exercise regularly. Vary your exercise routine to avoid a plateau and remain physically challenged.  Don’t belong to a gym? Put on headphones and go for a walk.  Endorphins, those “feel-good” hormones released during exercise, are real!

Sometimes friends and pursuing goals are not enough and what began as loneliness veers into depression.  If you feel overwhelmed, seek help. A professional, outside perspective can help you view life differently.

Loneliness is not a permanent state but only you initiate change. Make the time for things that bring you joy and the richness of your life will overflow.  Happiness is magnetic, and while you’re busy living your fabulous life you might find that special person, just like all the magazines say it happens.

Miriam Longobardi is a freelance writer, fourth grade teacher and single mother of two daughters living in Westchester.  wA breast cancer survivor, she also volunteers for the American Cancer Society and has completed four marathons.  Also, check out her weekly New York Modern Love column  at Examiner.com.

What Now?

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By Laura Campbell

So, you’re suddenly single. After years, possibly decades, of sharing your life with someone you once loved, you now find yourself starting over; moving from married life to a divorced lifestyle.

Having been there myself, I fully recognize the fear and discomfort that comes with picking up the pieces after divorce and beginning to create your new life. You may feel the impulse to jump back into dating and embark on a new relationship right away, but this often leads to even greater pain and loss. Rather, this is a time to regroup and renew and set a strong foundation for what comes next. To move forward after divorce, consider the following:

•The Art of Extreme Self Care.
Divorce can be exhausting and deplete you of energy. Take time as you move through the transition to take care of your mind, body and soul. Each and every day should include at least one activity, such as meditating or getting a massage, that nurtures you and makes you feel good and healthy.

•Connecting to others with a Shared Experience.
Nothing’s more powerful than connecting to others who have shared a common experience. Now that you will be living a divorced, single lifestyle, welcome new friends into your world who are also living this lifestyle. It doesn’t mean letting go of your closest or married friends, but your life is different, as are your needs; it’s critical to have a social circle in alignment with the design of your new life. Surround yourself with people who are empowering and inspiring, and focus on what will be rather than what was.

•Putting Your Passions and Interests into Action.
You will want your new life to be built on what you consider fun and exciting! Perhaps you’ve always loved to ski, but while married, you didn’t have the chance because your spouse didn’t embrace your beloved sport. Now’s the perfect time to bring skiing back into your life. Integrating the activities and interests that you’re most passionate about into your life ensures you design a new life full of passion and purpose. (P.S. you also never know who you might meet when doing the things you love most!)

The ending of a relationship or a divorce will become a catalyst for massive transformation and growth, if you embrace the change. These three tips will allow you to manage this transition with grace, confidence and control. Where divorce ends, your destiny begins. Let your journey begin today.

Laura, CEO of The D Spot, www.discoverthedspot.com/blog, an Extraordinary Love Strategist and Divorce Expert, works exclusively with extraordinary women to find extraordinary love.