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Community Matters: Mindful Advice on Conflict Resolution

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mywayBy Jodi Baretz

Conflicts can be personal, community-based, global. They can cover all sorts of topics and divide us in a variety of ways. Conflict is part of the human condition, and, while inevitable, is healthy and normal too. However, just as we all experience conflict in different and unique ways, so too do we go about resolving our issues using a variety of methods and manners. Often, it is not the conflict itself, but the resolution process that determines the outcome and impacts our ongoing thoughts and feelings.

Gathering ideas from different viewpoints can be informative and helpful. Town meetings and, more recently, social media are great ways to share ideas and come together; however, there are challenges as well. Emotions and tensions can run high at the meetings, and words and posts can be misconstrued on social media.

Social media is a wonderful resource, but it can also be a place where tension and conflict arise. Local online forums (whether Chappaqua, Armonk, Mount Pleasant or others) reflect community interest in a range of helpful to hot-button topics such as coyotes, community pools, dog curbing, train track crossings and future developments like that of Chappaqua Crossing. It is wonderful that we all have opinions, but pausing to think about how we express them is critical.

When we respond too quickly, based on emotion, we often regret it. Creating space between stimulus and response can make a huge difference. Victor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, writes: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” Before you respond to conflict, you may want to stop and ask yourself–am I being clear and respectful? What am I really reacting to here? Is it the issue itself or is this personal? When have I felt like this before? Craig Ferguson, late-night host and comedian, had this to say on communicating with his ex-wife: He asks himself, “does this need to be said, does this need to be said by me, does this need to said by me right now?”

The ability to create space sounds great in theory, but in the moment can be difficult to attain. It takes a lot of practice and we are always a work in progress. Personally, I work on this through meditation and mindfulness, but still have moments where I forget to pause. Just recently, I reacted to a situation, without the pause, and ended up hurting someone I care about and regretting my actions. After apologizing, I immediately tried to use this experience as a way to understand myself and uncover what triggered me. Even though it was a less than ideal response, it was an opportunity to examine my behavior in a compassionate non-judgmental way, understand that I am human and that I make mistakes. Hopefully, this will lead to growth, healing and forgiveness, and it won’t happen again.

We all have different triggers depending on our past experiences and how we were raised. People can have varying reactions to the exact same stimulus. We tend not to be open to new ideas and beliefs and only really “see” the ones that we agree with, what we already know to be true. If we can drop our ego when conflict arises, and try to understand what exactly we are reacting to, as well as the other viewpoint, we will be more effective at coming to a resolution. Understanding, rather than accusing, goes a long way in conflict resolution. This does not mean you have to agree with the other side or condone their viewpoint or actions. We are usually protecting something that means a lot to us when we are fighting for it; for example, it is likely that a wildlife conservationist and small dog owner will have different opinions regarding the coyotes in our midst. Opening to what the other person is fighting for can really help with reaching a compromise. It will make you more effective in your position. Can we learn to see our experiences through a wider lens?

When we engage in conflict and get angry at others, it often results in stress and inner turmoil. We want to get our point across, but when we fight, we end up harming ourselves. We may feel wronged, disrespected, misunderstood, but holding on to anger and hostility can affect us more than our adversary. I tell my clients to try to let things go and forgive selfishly. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it kills your enemies. “

The open exchange of ideas is what all relationships are built upon. Understanding another’s perspective makes us better leaders and more effective problem solvers. Thinking about why we are triggered by certain issues can be useful, give us insight, and help us respond rather than react. Coming together, we accomplish more; cooperation rather than discord. In the end, we want the same thing, a prosperous vibrant community.

Jodi is a psychotherapist and holistic health coach with a private practice at The Center for Health and Healing in Mt. Kisco. She runs a variety of mindfulness workshops and small groups. Jodi helps “stressed out” adults manage the challenges of daily life and build harmonious relationships with their kids, spouses, bodies and themselves, so they live with more joy, peace and fulfillment.

Armonk Chamber of Commerce Honors 
“A Pillar in the Community”

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IMG_3893Article and Photo by Matt Smith

Friends, family, and Chamber members gathered at the Whippoorwill Club in Armonk, NY on the evening of May 12 to celebrate longtime Armonk resident Sam Morell, and his achievement of being named 2015 Citizen of the Year by the Armonk Chamber of Commerce.

The award is bestowed – as it has been twice before, first to Dr. Evan Powderly of Crittenden Middle School in 2013, and second, last October, to Hickory & Tweed proprietor Skip Beitzel – to an individual who has made a significant long-term contribution to the North Castle/Armonk community. A “natural choice” for the honor, Mr. Morell more than fit the bill.

“He’s been a real pillar of the community,” says Jason Rosenzweig, a member of the Chamber and coordinator of the evening. “He has been instrumental not only in the town’s cultural advancement, but the growth of the business community as well. He’s so supportive of everyone.”

But why shouldn’t he be? asks the grateful Morell himself. “After all,” he theorizes, “the town we live in is simply an extension of our house and there are many ways one can add value to make this very large house appealing.” To that end, he states, with a smile, “I strongly believe in patronizing our [local] services.”

His seven-year involvement in the Chamber of Commerce has certainly impacted how he carries out that belief. “The more you learn about fellow members the more you develop the kind of relationship and trust to transact with them,” he explains. “I now use many chamber members for my personal and business matters.” These members include Steve D’Angelo, from Stephen D’Angelo CPA PC, as his accountant; Robbi Morris, from The Morris Group, as his health care insurance provider; the aforementioned Jason Rosenzweig, from Castle Cabs, as his car service provider; and Julie Dickens, from Beascakes Bakery, from whom he buys all his holiday cookies. Adds Morell, “The joy for me is developing new and interesting personal friends from all walks of life, as well as knowing that I can be of assistance to their goals.”

His support of the community doesn’t end there. He found a way to combine his overwhelming love for the town of Armonk with his undying love of the performing arts, and began his own not-for-profit company, the Small Town Theatre Company, in 2008. 
Co-founded with Katonah resident Donna Garr, the organization produces plays, summer concerts, theatre festivals, and film festivals in Armonk and Katonah.

Morell also says he leverages his enjoyment of photography and videography to support other local organizations, such as the North Castle 
Historical Society, the North Castle Communications Committee, and other Westchester-based not-for-profits.

Preceding the dinner was an afternoon-long golf outing, attended by Morell, Rosenzweig, and a mix of Chamber members, guests of Chamber members, and Morell’s personal friends, that was anything but a bogey. “We enjoyed it very much,” comments the honoree. And what of his score? 
“It was touch-and-go at first, but I broke even,” he says with a laugh.

To discourage any self-doubt among each players’ golf abilities, the outing was run as a scramble; each player hit their own shot from the tee, but everyone played from the spot of the best shot. In the end, “it worked out for everyone,” says Rosenzweig. “It was a lot of fun.”

And as for the recognition itself? “I’m overwhelmed and honored,” Morell says quite simply. “It’s a real tribute.” Humble as ever, Morell added: “Everyone in this town does such tremendous work, and we should recognize that.”

The entire celebration was presented by the Armonk Chamber of Commerce. The evening’s cocktail hour, which followed the golf outing and preceded the dinner, was sponsored by Breezemont Day Camp and the Castle Cab Corps. Throughout the evening, volunteers sold tickets for a raffle, a new addition to this year’s festivities; all prizes and rewards were complete donations from local Armonk businesses, including Certa Pro Painters, Eye Designs of Armonk, Susan Blake, and Peachwave Frozen Yogurt. For more information on the chamber, visit www.armonkchamberofcommerce.org.

Matt Smith, a graduate of Skidmore College, is a regular contributor to The Inside Press, Inc.

Good Things Come in Small Towns

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Beth Besen
Beth Besen

Ask anyone in town what attracted them to Armonk and you’ll likely hear some version of the American dream. Outstanding schools, pastoral beauty, small town vibe and values within commuting distance of big city lights. Young families move here with every hope that they and, especially their children, will put down roots, grow and thrive.

I too grew up in a relatively small town; one in Connecticut. When I mention this locally, is widely assumed that I’m likely referring to Greenwich or, more generally, Fairfield County. Not the case, not by a long-shot. But I have come to understand the assumption as not so much a reflection of me personally, but of a collective expectation–the fact is, many who live here now grew up here too; if not right in Armonk, then in one of the beautiful Westchester or Connecticut towns nearby. People return because what worked then, works now.

Take, for example, the many options available to families through the North Castle Recreation Department. There’s something special about a community pool; this year, run by town recreation, the Anita Louise Ehrman Pool promises to be that place. Day camp and sports programs for kids and adults alike mean town is the ticket to Ready…Set…Summer!

Of course, a community is about more than its public face. While most would agree that Armonk is, as the New York Times once called it, “an area of rugged beauty”, it is the caring community that makes it equally, if not more, attractive.

As Jason Rosensweig puts it in our profile piece Armonk’s Answer to UBER, people move here to be able to walk into any store and see a friendly and familiar face. His business is built on just that philosophy of neighborly goodwill and trust.

The same can be said for a business like Raymond James. Sure, one can get advice from the internet or an anonymous large city financial planner, but how much nicer, friendlier and, frankly, easier it is to know there’s a local business with a vested interest in town families’ lives and livelihoods. Whether your children are close to college age or still part of sandbox-set, College Planning 101 is a great reminder that we can all use a little help from our (savvy business) friends.

Speaking of college, let’s talk about Armonk’s schools. Widely recognized among the finer public high schools in the country, Byram Hills regularly sends graduates to many of our nation’s outstanding universities. However, while June graduation means pomp-and-circumstance celebrations, a BHHS diploma stands for so much more. Students work extraordinarily hard in this town. Parents and teachers do too. And, while college may be the ultimate goal for most, the years of committed focus are also about 
the learning process, and the students’ ability to synthesize knowledge while moving it and themselves forward in the world.

Armonk resident Betty Knoop would agree that education is paramount. A Holocaust survivor, Knoop’s own childhood was cut short by the horrors of war and the atrocities of concentration camp existence. All too aware that “that racism is evil…and it debases men,” she speaks about her experiences in order that others may bear witness, and think about how the past affects our collective present and future. Through her efforts, hundreds have heard first-hand about a chapter in history in which the world went dark. And yet, her message is one of Hope Not Hate.

When it comes to hope, another attention-worthy story comes courtesy of five of the most engaging eighth-grade boys I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. Collectively, they’re known as the Robobenders. And, together with their parent-mentors, they’ve developed an internationally recognized iPhone App that helps those with Autistic Spectrum Disorders decode facial expressions and related underlying emotions. What’s My Face might very well help make the neuro-typical world become an easier place for ASD others.

And then there’s our cover story: Former President Bill Clinton was Guest of Honor at the Tina’s Wish Global Women’s Award evening. Clinton, recognized for his outstanding contribution to global healthcare through the Clinton Foundation, gave a passionate acceptance speech in which he praised local founder Andy Brozman and all involved in Tina’s Wish for their tremendous efforts in the funding of, and research leading to, early detection of ovarian cancer. As a woman, as a cancer survivor myself and as the mother of a daughter, 
I am moved by and appreciative of the vital importance of this work and the incredible people involved.

When John Cougar Mellencamp sings Small Town, I always smile to myself and picture towns like ours. Like him, “I can breathe in small town.” How about you? Please send your thoughts my way: Beth@InsideArmonk.com or post a comment to our facebook page.

Have a great summer!

Two Westchester Families Recognized by the UJA for “Making a Difference”

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Via a UJA Federation of New York Release:

(From left) Tina Price, Caryl Orlando, and Nina Ross, all of Scarsdale
(From left) Tina Price, Caryl Orlando, and Nina Ross, all of Scarsdale

More than 350 guests joined UJA-Federation of New York’s Westchester Region as it honored the Beckman family of Scarsdale and the Rieger family of Bedford. At this Westchester Celebration, Yoav Cohen of White Plains was recognized for his contributions as Westchester’s first shaliach, or Israeli emissary, who serves as a cultural bridge between the local community and Israel.

The event took place on April 14 at Brae Burn Country Club in Purchase, where guests came together as a community to applaud the achievements of the honorees for their committed leadership in the Westchester Jewish community and to support UJA-Federation and its network of nearly 100 local and global nonprofits.

The evening’s theme focused on the families’ legacy of transmitting values — including commitment to their Jewish heritage, philanthropy, caring for those in need, and collective responsibility — and recognized the honorees for their dedication to making a difference through their actions.

“In the rich narrative of Jewish history, the Beckmans and Riegers continued the chain by passing these meaningful values to their children,” said UJA-Federation’s Westchester Regional Chair Martine Fleishman of Purchase. She encouraged guests to view an exhibit at the event, a colorful timeline that showcased UJA-Federation’s response to the events that have shaped the Jewish community around the world.

“You’ll see that UJA-Federation’s history may very well mirror your family history in many ways,” she continued. “For nearly 100 years, we’ve responded in times of challenge — during the Great Depression, the darkness of the Holocaust, and the Six-Day War — and in times of joy and opportunity, such as the establishment of the State of Israel and the opening of the Iron Curtain to Soviet Jews.”

An interactive drumming experience kicked off the program and enlivened the evening.

(From left) Honorees Richard and Heidi Rieger of Bedford, Yoav Cohen of White Plains, and Shari and Joel Beckman of Scarsdale
(From left) Honorees Richard and Heidi Rieger of Bedford, Yoav Cohen of White Plains, and Shari and Joel Beckman of Scarsdale

Shari and Joel Beckman, who were honored with their sons, Steven and Jacob, have embraced the values of UJA-Federation for the past 30 years. Shari has served the organization in many capacities, including as Scarsdale area chair and as a member of both the Board of Directors and the Westchester Program Services Cabinet, which provides funding to programs that further the Westchester Jewish community’s efforts to address needs and support new approaches to successful models. Shari’s professional career as a college advisor to high school students has extended to volunteer opportunities, such as working with the Off the Street program, which is run by UJA-Federation beneficiary agency Westchester Jewish Community Services.

Co-founder of Greenbriar Equity Group, a private equity firm in Rye, Joel serves on the Board of Directors for UJA-Federation and the Metropolitan Council on Jewish Poverty. A past board member of theJewish Community Center of Mid-Westchester, he is vice-chairman of the Chordoma Foundation and active in other philanthropic organizations.

Recognized with their daughters, Rebecca, Hillary, and Abigail, Heidi and Richard Rieger have devoted much of their lives to supporting the Jewish people. A member of UJA-Federation’s Board of Directors, Heidi is a founding member of The Neshamot Fund – Westchester Women’s Venture Philanthropy of UJA-Federation. A certified social worker with a part-time practice in Northern Westchester, shecurrently sits on the boards of the Jewish Community Center of Manhattan, Facing History and Ourselves, Clal, The Jewish Education Project, and The Blue Card. Richard serves as a senior advisor to Kingdon Capital. He serves on the board of the University Settlement House, the Photography Committee at MoMA, and the board of trustees at the Ethical Culture Fieldston School.

As shaliach, Yoav Cohen has built bridges and fostered understanding between the community and Israel. Born in Johannesburg, Yoav lived in South Africa until the age of 12, when he moved to Israel. He served in the IDF as a platoon commander and fitness trainer. Following his service, he worked in Israel’s high-tech sector at software giant SAP and then in the academic world at IDC Herzliya. He also co-founded friendasoldier.com, an innovative dialogue website connecting former IDF soldiers with the rest of the world.

(From left) Lois Kohn-Claar of Scarsdale, Tracey Bilski of Chappaqua, and Anita Greenwald of Armonk
(From left) Lois Kohn-Claar of Scarsdale, Tracey Bilski of Chappaqua, and Anita Greenwald of Armonk

The gathering also heard from Eric S. Goldstein, UJA-Federation’s CEO. “Westchester is an extraordinary philanthropic community,” he told the gathering. Speaking to the honorees, he added, “You represent the best of this community, and we’re grateful to you.”

Mindy and Andrew Feldman of Harrison, Janie and Adam Frieman of New Rochelle, Anita and Richard Greenwald of Armonk, Michele and Judah Kraushaar of Chappaqua, Randi and Dan Kreisler of Pleasantville, and Nancy and Robert Rieger of Rye served as event chairs.

About UJA-Federation of New York

For more than 95 years, UJA-Federation has inspired New Yorkers to act on their values and invest in our community for the biggest impact. Through UJA-Federation, more than 50,000 donors address issues that matter most to them, pooling their resources to care for New Yorkers of all backgrounds and Jews everywhere, to connect people to their Jewish communities, and to respond to crises close to home and around the globe. Working with nearly 100 beneficiary agencies, synagogues, and other Jewish organizations, UJA-Federation is the world’s largest local philanthropy; our reach spans from New York to Israel to more than 70 other countries around the world, touching 4.5 million people each year. For more information on how to donate or volunteer, please visit our website at www.ujafedny.org.

Let Us Be That Village!

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Beth Besen
Beth Besen

Recently, in a less-than-perfectly-scientific but, nonetheless, perfectly “grace”ful facebook inquiry, Inside Press Publisher and Editor Grace Bennett asked for community feedback regarding the level of interest in, and continued enjoyment of, Inside Chappaqua magazine. The response was immediate and heartfelt–you like us, you really like us! I have to say, the Sally Field moment felt absolutely wonderful.

There is something very special about a community that comes together to support its own. From shopping local to becoming involved in community matters to reaching out to those in need (or admitting a need and asking for help!), our town is so much more than leafy streets and handsome homes. We are proud that one of our famous residents, Hillary Rodham Clinton, coined that resonant and oft-repeated phrase “it takes a village.” Modesty aside, we’d like to think we had a hand in inspiring her thinking.

Certainly, it felt that way during the horrific Metro-North Railroad incident of early February. Initial social media posts indicated that “an accident” had occurred, and that delays to the evening commute were likely to follow. People began to reach out to family and friends, seeking to reassure each other of whereabouts and safety. Before long, however, it became all too clear that this was no small accident; instead, the February 3rd, 5:45 evening rush hour train from Grand Central Station direct to Chappaqua became the express train to a brutal nightmare for many in our area.

Even as news helicopters circled the air above, information was starting to circulate our communal information airways. And it wasn’t good. Six people were killed, many others sustained injuries. Then, we started to hear names and the abstract–as awful, as unfathomable as that was–became specific. People we knew, people in our very own community, were among those who died in the crash. We shared our grief; with each other and, respectfully, with those families, friends and colleagues who mourned. We tried to make sense of a senseless thing, even as we asked what we could do and wondered how to make sure something like this would and could never happen again.

This issue of Inside Chappaqua was conceived to celebrate Spring Awakenings; the new and noteworthy, the fresh and forward, the energy that turn turn turns things in this renaissance season. In that spirit, and as planned, we have some truly wonderful articles to entertain and inspire you.

Our gorgeous cover comes courtesy of local artist Peg Sackler. We chose it both for its rich representation of spring‘s lush beauty, and because we’re proud to highlight an exciting new local collective, the Northern Westchester Artist’s Guild or NWAG. Please do turn to page 11 to read more about this creative and talented group of artists.

And, while we’re on the subject of groups, what could be nearer and dearer than our very own Chappaqua and Millwood Chamber of Commerce. There’s a new board with fresh vision and energy, and we’re as pleased as can be to bring you the complete story inside; just turn to page 15.

What else brings a community together? How about recreation and sports? Most would agree there’s nothing quite like spring sports to encourage both players and spectators to enjoy themselves. The days lengthen, the air turns soft and the play’s the thing! Frequent contributor Dan Levitz gives us his best pitch on Chappaqua Men’s B League softball. Page 18.

Speaking of sports and community, we’ve also got a very special tale of two local high school teams that came together for a shared love of football. Without giving too much away here, let’s just say that a couple of otherwise competitive teams put good sportsmanship first and foremost, and then saw some collective dreams come true in the process. Turn to page 23 to read all about it.

As for the rest? Flip our pages and enjoy. We’re great to curl up with on your comfy home couch, equally at ease out and about in town, perhaps 
as a coffee companion in one of our inviting shops! Our hope springs eternal that you’ll continue to like and appreciate our articles and, as always, 
we invite you to email us your thoughts; we love to hear from each and every one of you!

As we spring forward this season, 
we owe it to ourselves and each other to remember to live each day for the gift it is, and to remember our neighbors and community in our thoughts and deeds and prayers. Let’s continue to be that village it takes.

All my best,

Beth Besen

“We tried to make sense of a senseless thing, even as we asked what we could do and wondered how to make sure something like this would and could never happen again.”