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Armonk EtCetera

“Post-Election Anxiety” Strategies for Hillary supporters

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jodib-myfaveAfter the shock, denial, anger, etc., we have to acknowledge that this is happening, allow ourselves to feel our feelings, but then do whatever is in our control to fight for what we believe.

I am writing this the day after the election and I can’t seem to shake this gnawing in the pit of my stomach; this sense of impending doom. I’m sad and afraid for so many reasons. I’m sad that our deserving neighbor didn’t break the glass ceiling and become our next President, and I’m fearful of a President with no experience, who ran a campaign based on anger and hate.

I’m terrified by the racists and bigots he energized and the actions they might take. I have followed this election campaign holding my breath, wanting it to be over to breathe a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, now that it is presumably over, all I want to do is turn back time.

This election was a big shock and disappointment to many, but approximately half of those who voted chose him. We need to honor and respect the democratic process and face the reality of who is our next President, but how?

Mindfulness has taught me how to face many stressful situations with grace and ease. Life is difficult; it is filled with adversity and struggle. There are many things we cannot control, but how we respond to life’s challenges is within our power and can make all the difference.

In my mindfulness boot camp group today, everyone was shocked, distraught and disappointed, so we explored how mindfulness can help us cope with post-election blues.

  • Acceptance: Not arguing with reality, even if we don’t like it.
  • Non-judgment: Not judging yourself for experiencing feelings that are real. Also, trying not to judge others who disagree with you. You may have experienced some heated discourse at the Thanksgiving table, but listening to others with an open mind can help us understand, instead of dismissing others viewpoints.
  • Present moment: Be here now. Notice when your thoughts veer off into the future fearing the worst scenario. Bring yourself back to the present. Our minds are often stuck in a negative fantasy which leads to anxiety. Let’s take this day by day. As the late Leonard Cohen said, “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
  • Beginner’s Mind: Look at situations without preconceived notions. As difficult as that may be, we do not really know how things will turn out. We can leave room for the possibility of our party becoming stronger than ever and more people becoming activists for change.

Consider a Taoist story of an old farmer who worked his crops for many years …

One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit.
“Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.
“We’ll see,” the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.
“How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.
“We’ll see,” replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.
“We’ll see,” answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.
“We’ll see” said the farmer.

If Hillary represents anything, it is that a life of public service and doing good is the cornerstone to contributing in society. Let’s take our lead from her and channel our energies into action. We cannot be complacent, but must lead with dignity and grace, just like Hillary. We need to go high when they go low, like Michelle Obama. We need to be stronger together and not divided. We need to model for our children by our actions as well as our words. We need to look for opportunities to make a difference and practice “compassion in action.” We may have lost this battle, but not the war.

As I share my feelings and meditate on what actions I will take moving forward, I am reminded of a comment made today during the group session. One of the moms shared with us the experience of telling her child, who is four, that Donald Trump was the winner. She thought he’d cry or be upset but he looked up at her with a smile and said, “maybe now he won’t be so angry.” What a way to look at the world, through the optimistic eyes of a child.

Jodi Baretz, LCSW is a psychotherapist, mindfulness and health coach at The Center for Health and Healing in Mt. Kisco. She runs a mindfulness bootcamp called “Mindful is the New Skinny,” and specializes in stress reduction for busy moms. Jodi lives in Millwood with her husband and two sons. Visit her website jodibaretz.com

An Attitude of Gratitude

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jodib-myfave

By Jodi Baretz

“If we are not grateful for what we have, what makes us think we’d be happy with more?” Being charged with writing an article on gratitude I was forced to think about what I am truly grateful for, and what I could possibly write about on this topic. Of course, I’m grateful for the obvious things, the ‘big things.’ I’m grateful for my loving family, my supportive friends and my growing private practice. However, I think it’s just as important to recognize the ordinary moments in daily life, the little things.

I can recall a moment when my kids were small and I was bringing them for haircuts, which was not an easy task. Once I finally got them into the car, my two precious children proceeded to fight as per usual. As I was driving and listening to this free for all in the back seat, I would occasionally interrupt with a “stop it” or “enough already!”

When that didn’t seem to be effective, I started getting annoyed, and then for some reason, amidst all the noise and frustration, I just gave up. As I drove and the boys continued to yell, I just listened to them exchanging insults. I became amused by the banter instead of being annoyed with it. It struck me that these two little boys were not going to be young forever, and I realized how lucky I was to spend these precious moments with them.  Suddenly, I made this major shift, a total reframe of the mind that filled me with gratitude.

Once you get the hang of the gratitude attitude, you can apply it to almost anything. Take a look at something small in your daily life. I just sat down to write this article after visiting Millwood Plaza, where I realized how lucky I am to live in this wonderful, supportive community–from the people I ran into who smiled and were helpful to the new businesses that are coming to town to make my life a little easier. Here are just a few examples:

  • I am so grateful that DeCicco’s is coming to Millwood. We have been without a supermarket for long enough, and I’m sure many of you feel my pain.
  • I am grateful that local businesses can still make it in this small hamlet, such as Drug Mart, Paradise Nails, the local dry cleaner and, of course, Dodd’s.
  • Last but not least, I am especially grateful for Tazza Cafe. There are many wonderful places in town that I frequent, but the Tazza in Millwood, is a truly special place to me. (I hear the one in Armonk is also a popular hotspot). I go there daily for my tea, but the best part is those who work there know my order, my name and always greet me with a hearty “Hi Jodi!” It’s like Cheers without the alcohol. In addition, I usually know at least three people there who are also getting their caffeine fix. Being a part of a small community makes me feel connected and supported.

Once you keep noticing these small things to be grateful for, your own shift will start to occur. It will become habit. You will feel happier, and that feeling is contagious. Practicing gratitude is one of the top indicators of happiness, in addition to having many other benefits. Besides improving emotional health, it can have a positive impact on you physically. People who are grateful experience less aches and pains, according to a 2012 study published in “Personality and Individual Differences.” Gratitude also improves your relationships, self-esteem, fosters empathy and decreases aggression. It helps you sleep better!

So, how do we cultivate this all-important skill? Gratitude does not have to only be after something huge, like getting a promotion, or having awesome kids, it can be as small as your morning coffee at your favorite cafe. Noticing the small moments and truly appreciating them will help change your mind. A gratitude journal is proven to be a great way to hone your skills, but if you’re like me, you won’t be taking the time to do that so often, so being mindful of what you are thankful for throughout the day definitely helps.

I love the idea of a gratitude jar, especially with kids. It involves writing what you are grateful for on a piece a paper and putting it into a jar and reading them when you are sad or at the end of the year to inspire you! Now if we can extend that attitude of gratitude all year, we will be happier, healthier individuals and as a community.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Jodi Baretz, LCSW, CHHC, is a psychotherapist, mindfulness and holistic health coach at The Center for Health and Healing in Mount Kisco. She lives in Millwood with her husband and two sons. She is also the founder of the program and upcoming book, Mindful is the New Skinny.

Reframing Loss and Gain

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Apple picking with the family in 2014: From left, Timothy Radice, Gabriella Radice, Gavin Radice, Kourtney DeRosa-Radice.
Apple picking with the family in 2014: From left, Timothy Radice, Gabriella Radice, Gavin Radice, Kourtney DeRosa-Radice.

By Kourtney DeRosa-Radice

Not too long ago, I was 85 pounds heavier than I am today. I moved to Westchester, had two children back-to-back and pretty much put my needs and wants on the back burner.  I prepared my children organic baby food, dressed them in the cutest little outfits, brought them to those fancy gym classes for little ones and LOVED them beyond words.  However, my self-care was another story. I started eating frozen processed foods, traveled around in faded black sweatpants, canceled my gym membership, and pretty much stopped caring for myself. My days of being that women I once was were now gone; this was the new me, the new mom me. My priorities were different and that was okay, or so I told myself.

One day, after getting a glimpse of a picture of my kids with a “stranger,” aka mom, I decided to take action and started a journey down a road that would eventually lead me back to the women I once was, the women I loved and knew so well. Ironically this journey pretty much mirrored all that I had been doing for my children. My days started consisting of eating mostly clean, non-processed foods (similar to what my children had been eating), completing daily workouts (though not at fancy gyms like my kids) and dressing like I was leaving the house (even if I wasn’t).

The result of my efforts was a huge weight loss, which I am congratulated about daily. Each day I hear the words, “Wow, congratulations on your loss…” “Awesome job with your loss…” “You must be so proud of your loss…” Hearing the word loss day after day, used in such a positive manner feels odd. I had been programmed from a young age to think of loss as a negative. I’ve always connected loss to sadness. I’ve connected it to stress and aggravation.  I’ve viewed it as loss–not gain.

Then, one day, after being at a Moms Night Out and talking about my loss yet again, I had that “ah hah” moment.  You know, those moments when you realize you need to rethink our thinking! Wait, I thought. my weight loss isn’t the only loss in my life that has been positive. I quickly went through the moments in my life where I experienced sadness as a result of loss.

I thought about my husband losing his job on the trading floor when the markets went electronic. I thought about losing a beautiful home in Pleasantville in a bidding war. I thought about losing out on what I thought was my dream teaching position in Westchester. Then I thought about what I gained from each of these experiences. My husband losing his job led me to become a nutrition coach which has allowed me to support hundreds of people with their weight loss. Losing our dream home in Pleasantville encouraged us to expand our search and this led us to finding a home in Armonk. And that dream job–well, had I been offered it, I would have never decided to stay at home part time with my children. This idea that a loss could actually bring you to a happier place, a healthier place, an all around better place was now clear in my mind.

As we approach the Thanksgiving Holiday and I continue to think about this whole idea of loss I can’t help but wonder if everyone already knows what it took me 36 years to figure out. Do people know that loss, though negative in some aspects, can also be positive as well? Do people know that sometimes a loss is actually just a gain in disguise?

This year things will be different at my Thanksgiving table for sure. For one, the food I typically prepare will be getting a facelift. There will be no marshmallows on my sweet potatoes and no cream in my corn. There will be no green bean casserole with cream of mushroom soup and no gravy on my turkey. There will, however, be a revised list of what I am thankful for. This year I am going to take a step back and reflect on all that I have lost. I plan to give thanks for all the loss in my life that has brought me to the place I am today. Sometimes it is hard to see the positives in loss, but, when you put on those special lenses, they begin to jump out at you.

With this I challenge you to go beyond only giving thanks for what you have gained this year and, instead, think about what YOU have lost. Have you experienced a loss this year, which has inadvertently led to a positive in your life?  As you sit at your Thanksgiving table and you give thanks for all the gains you have attained, remember to include your losses too. After all they deserve to be thanked as well.

Kourtney DeRosa-Radice is an Armonk mom, public school teacher and Team Beachbody Health and Fitness Coach.  When not enjoying her children or teaching her students she devotes her time to assisting clients in reaching their health and fitness goals. Kourtney can be reached at: Kradice@beachbodycoach.com

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“The Best Things in Life aren’t Things” – Art Buchwald

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Richard Burr Photography
Richard Burr Photography

By Rachel Levy Lombara, Ph.D.

“A memorable quotation is a precious thing.” –Me

Let me explain why. Have you noticed that Facebook has become host to a parade of quotes? Dressed in decorative fonts and set on handsome back-grounds, we seem to love them. Quotes in social media, like energy bars, seem to fulfill a need in the fast-paced culture in which we live. Information is no longer a scarce commodity. Good quotes help us in our journey, directing our attention toward those most important sights along the way, reminding us when to rest, when to push, and what is really important.

As a psychologist who has spent years helping people resolve problems and improve their lives, I agree with this Winston Churchill quote: “It is a good thing… to read a book of quotations.” Quotes often distill the best of what a given teacher has to offer. Sharing quotes from leaders in positive change can educate and then mobilize the rest of us to take constructive action.

Over a year ago, I formed an online group to explore whether a virtual community could be created through social media that offered some of the same benefits of an actual community. This community, however, consisted of more like-minded individuals than one might find a physical neighborhood. Could the tangible benefits of what psychologists call “social support” be achieved online?

We discovered it could. Participants soon began revealing more of them-selves, rewarded by the support, understanding and helpful feedback. We shared ideas, learned more about our-selves from the feedback we received and learned a lot about each other.

One member introduced us to the concept of “Anam Cara.” In Celtic tradition, Anam (soul) and Cara (friend) is a connection with someone that goes beyond physical or even temporal boundaries. With Anam Cara, you reveal the hidden intimacies of your life, your mind, your heart. This special type of friendship cuts across all conventions; it is an act of recognition and belonging that joins us above and beyond all else.

We agreed there is a great need in everyone’s life for an Anam Cara, a relationship in which you are understood as who you are, without mask or pretense. It is when you are understood, that you truly feel at home and can heal, awakening the vast possibilities within you.

In September, members of our Anam Cara group, many of whom had never met in person, travelled from as far away as Vancouver, B.C., Florida and Maine, to join me and local friends and family in celebrating my birthday. It was, in fact, the Anam Cara group that planned and executed almost all the party arrangements. Contrary to what I expected, I felt no apprehension hosting people I’d never met in person. In fact, any distinction between “real life” and “online” friends disappeared.

As my virtual friends appeared at my door the night before the party, I was struck that they each were EXACTLY as I had known them to be. They were, in life, precisely who they were in our group, an impression we all shared and marveled at in the subsequent days.

The party was extraordinary. When I looked around that night, I saw old friends, new friends and my family all delighting in each other’s company, talking animatedly, laughing, grabbing each other’s arms.

I received great gifts at that party: fragrant candles, hand knit scarves, a painting, glassware, wine, wind chimes, lovely books, and a silver engraved Anam Cara necklace. Most of all, I received the shared warmth of friendship.

A week after the party, when the last guest left for the airport, I sat at the kitchen table, enjoying the last of chocolate cake #4. I missed my friends, who had ended up staying several nights longer than intended. Bringing my empty dish to the sink, my eyes lit upon the large silver gift box I’d yet to open. A lovely Armonk friend had quietly left it the night of the party.

I smiled at the thought of her. She’s wickedly funny and unfailingly kind. ἀis woman tirelessly and assertively advocated for vulnerable children. I lifted the the top of the box and pulled out a frame. On it, artfully written, was this quotation:

The Best Things in Life Aren’t Things

The ultimate quote, it somehow captured everything I believed to be true. The quote danced in my head for weeks afterwards. An amateur artisan, I found myself hammering it into leather cuffs, inscribing it on silver bracelets, and stenciling it onto t-shirts. The irony of writing, “the best things in life aren’t things” on “things” didn’t escape me. It made me smile.

Dr. Rachel Levy Lombara is a NYS licensed clinical psychologist and former scientist at Columbia-Presbyterian Med-ical Center. She now works with people individually in her Chappaqua office. Like quotes, she believes that therapy is best when it’s brief and to the point.