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Teach Your Children Well

December 1, 2016 by Beth Besen

No doubt about it, the tough job of responsible parenting was made all the more daunting recently as many here in Hillary Clinton’s hometown grappled with the shock of an unexpected election outcome. Our nation voted in a way that surprised most political analysts, advance polls and, certainly, the numerous loyal local supporters who gathered early on Election Day to perform an exuberant flash-mob pant-suit dance at the train station. As schools were closed, many of these celebrants had their children with them as well. The weather was brilliant, the mood was buoyant and all seemed lined up for voters to elect a first female president.

Then the numbers started coming in. People shook their heads and refreshed their browsers; what??? how??? And so it went. After a long night–following what felt like an over-long election year–many were stunned and deeply saddened, but they also knew they would need to gather themselves and move on. In fact, for many in our community and across the nation, the need to process and regroup was driven most by that which is primal to all parents–how to talk to our children.

According to Chappaqua Child Psychologist, Dr. Sheri Baron, the first thing parents need to do is check in with themselves because, regardless of what the issue is, “a child will pick up anxiety from the parent.” With parents emotionally invested in the election outcome, children may well end up feeling worried and fearful. Some may be able to verbally express their concerns, which will help parents begin a reassuring conversation.

However, others may not express their feelings directly; young children may exhibit stress physically, perhaps with a stomach ache or wetting the bed, while older children may become defiant. The critical thing is to ask questions, and try to figure out what’s upsetting your child. It could be election-related, but, then again, it may be something else. Baron cautions not to assume and remember that “if parents feel fairly centered, kids feel safe.”

Dr. Stephanie O’Leary, clinical psychologist and recent parenting lecturer at Seven Bridges Middle School, concurs that it’s of paramount importance to ask children what they think before offering an opinion, explaining “this will help you stick to the facts and issues that are on your child’s mind without introducing items that may not be relevant.”

love; beautiful hands of children holding green heart shape

She reminds us that younger children (eight and under) take things more literally than do adults and older children, so, for example, “moving to Canada” may loom larger and more realistic than its intended metaphor; speak carefully, explain fully.

Speaking of explanations, O’Leary suggests we make sure children understand our country’s system of checks and balances and that no one person, even the President, is all-powerful.
Last but not least, she reminds us to send a clear message that we are here for our children whatever their fears and concerns –about this or any other matter.

Founding director of Sinai and Synapses, rabbi and parent Geoffrey Mitelman remembers that when he kissed his children good night on the eve of the election, he also shared his wish that they would all wake up to a Clinton presidency. As adults, we know that wishes don’t always come true. Mitelman ended up processing the evening’s events with deep sadness but also an attempt to understand the alternate perspective, “And then I watched, in slow-motion, the unraveling and potential undoing of everything that I hold dear.

But I also have to believe that Trump supporters were voting from a place of their own pain and fear, and how they believed everything they held dear had already unraveled. Even as I deeply, deeply disagree with them on nearly everything, I need to at least try to understand the source of their pain. All I can think of is how the opening chapter of Genesis matches with what science teaches: the universe’s natural state is towards chaos. It’s on us to create order. And even more importantly, it’s on us to create goodness.”

How do we “create” order and goodness? For many, it’s not just talking the values and respect talk, it’s walking the walk; in other words, modeling behavior for our children.

One out-of-state, African American friend-of-friend (who spoke on condition of anonymity) explained that she sat and watched the election results coming in and felt heartbroken and distraught.

She started thinking about what she’d do after waking up and telling her kids who’d won, and reassuring them that things would continue to be ok. She wondered how to spread love and acceptance, and decided to find ways to make a difference by embracing marginalized groups that are feeling even more hopeless. She planned that she and her children would reach out to a nonprofit emergency shelter in her area for LGBTQ teens to see what supplies were needed that they could help collect. The next day, they’d find another group to help. As she put it, “we can stop hate from winning one small act at a time. Love can still trump hate.”

Action is also of paramount importance to Los Angeles mom and Pomona College Gender Studies Professor Kyla Wazana Tompkins. Tompkins, a Canadian citizen, has the unique perspective of one who watched the election closely while not being able to cast a vote. She allowed that she’d been ambivalent about becoming a citizen but now feels more strongly than ever that she must.

In fact, when asked if she’d consider moving (with her husband and 8-year-old-son) to Canada, her response was the essence of quiet conviction, “Now is not the moment to abandon your agency.” She then recounted a story from years past when, hearing that Bush won his second election and joking about moving home to Canada, she was brought up short by a student who pointed out that running away is not ok. So, in the aftermath of our 2016 election, Tompkins plans to “double down” on America and put herself on the line because “you don’t get to leave because it’s bad; you’ve got to fix it. My job is to fight for my kid.”

Moving from LA to right around the corner, local mom and Chappaqua Moms Facebook facilitator Georgia Frasch echoed the same fighting spirit when she spoke to her 12-year-old twins and nine year old daughter, “This is our home, our country. We don’t abandon it when the going gets tough. Instead, we work even harder We are really lucky that we have a vote. It doesn’t always go our way, but it’s our obligation to support our government and even more important to uphold our family’s values: kindness, compassion, respect. It has to start with us. Acts of kindness start with us and get paid forward.”

Rabbi Jonathan Jaffe’s immediate thought for his Temple Beth El congregation was to create a healing Shabbat service, one co-led by the 7th grade B’nei Mitzvah class, offering a “safe place for individuals of all political persuasions to gather, connect and be present for one another.” On a more personal note, as a father, he too had to give careful consideration to the narrative he’d use to reassure his two young daughters. He carefully explained to them that though Donald Trump’s win would not immediately impact their lives, it might very well mean others’ lives would be made harder, and that they should consider themselves both fortunate and obligated to fight for the rights of vulnerable citizens.
Asked whether he’d considered the prospect of moving to Israel, Jaffe responded, “We’re American Jews, committed to our country. I don’t glorify leaving when times get tough. If people do choose to make Aliyah, it should be for the love of Israel and not the fear of America.” If his girls want to become dual American Israeli citizens, there is time for that later. For now, life moves on here in Chappaqua.

Chappaqua’s Beth Besen is a writer and editor, a parent and a concerned citizen who hopes that together with our children, we can create a better world.

What are we Teaching our Children About Winning & Losing?

October 21, 2016 by Danika Altman, Ph.D.

By Danika Altman, Ph.D.

Most of us believe our message to our children is: “Do your best.” But the implicit message may be: “You need to be the best.” We are a community of achievers with high expectations for our children. We want our children to replicate our success. We employ coaches and tutors to help, but by doing so we may also be conveying “You must do well.” The problem is that this message may be causing anxiety and win-at-all-costs attitudes in our children.

An overemphasis on winning neglects the valuable lessons that are learned from losing. It is painful and humbling. In order for our children to cope with losing, they must feel compassion for themselves. When we face our failures, compassion and support gives us a chance to rebound. Compassion for ourselves despite our flaws and mistakes is the way we endure criticism and grow. Alternatively, judgment and negativity after a failure often leads to anxiety, depression, aggression, quitting or poor performance.

In the U.S. Open Tennis final, Novak Djokovic gave us a good example of his need to win-at-all-costs. He called for a medic just before Stan Wawrinka’s turn to serve rather than before his own, and a game short of the changeover. The announcers alluded to this being poor sportsmanship. Wawrinka had momentum, and the six-minute hiatus could have caused him to lose focus but–despite it–he won the title. What makes this interesting is Djokovic and Wawrinka are friends, but will Wawrinka ever trust Djokovic again?

We have fortunately many opportunities to teach our children about sportsmanship and friendship. We have likely overheard children posturing, saying things like: “I’m the best at soccer and so and so is next.” If children brag to feel powerful by inducing envy in their friends, they will not likely have many successful friendships. We should teach our children that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. We should help them focus on their strengths and improving their weaknesses rather than on other children’s weaknesses to feel good about themselves. An excellent exercise in self-esteem building for children is to have them compliment someone who needs improvement in a particular skill. It creates positive feeling and connection rather than “power” at another child’s expense.

When we face our failures, compassion and support gives us a chance to rebound.

Children are experts at reading their parent’s reactions. If we express anger that our children have made the B team instead of the A team, they feel that they have failed, when in fact they have an opportunity to grow.

If we point out the number of children our children have to beat to get to the top of the tennis ladder, we are sending the message: “I will not be satisfied until you get there.” If we express disappointment when our children receive a poor grade on an exam, the message is “only an A makes you acceptable to me.”

Parents who criticize their children, their children’s teammates or coaches, create anxiety. They are teaching their children that their weaknesses will be seen and judged by others. When children feel shamed, they feel resentment toward their parents, rather than a desire to improve. Instead, empathic statements about how hard it is to be on the playing field or score As on tests are very valuable. Our children want to know that we support them and their friends despite setbacks. Empathy for their struggles empowers them to be resilient and self-confident. It enables them to work through their own disappointments without quitting or doubting themselves.

We abhor losing because it makes us feel pain and vulnerability but it also gives us opportunity to build self-esteem. If we help our children to see that we have been there and pushed through, we become role models for how to rebound. If we help our children view failures as something that happen to all of us but do not define who we are, they might even accept a bit of advice. If our children see our confidence in their ability to work hard and our compassion for their pain, we give them the strength and determination to try again.

In a Ted Talk, Julie Lythcott Haims reports the Harvard Grant Study shows that the best predictor of success in adulthood is not athletic ability or grades. It is the number of chores one did in childhood. A greater number of chores is correlated with taking initiative and contributing to the greater good at work. We all know that working with colleagues is equally as important for success as surpassing them.

If our implicit message to our children is that they have to win, they may not be developing confidence, compassion, humility and resilience in the process of growing up.

If instead, we help our children reach their goals by supporting their strengths while having compassion for their weaknesses, they will hopefully have the self-esteem to do their best.

Danika Altman, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice with adolescents, adults and couples. She specializes in adolescent anxiety, depression, and identity development. She also works as a coach for students on college and employment interviews. She has offices in Pleasantville and Manhattan.

When it’s Time to Let Go

March 4, 2015 by The Inside Press

By Benna Strober, Psy.D.

Wikipedia defines a Helicopter Parent as “a parent who pays extremely close attention to a child’s or children’s experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions. Helicopter parents are so named because, like helicopters, they hover overhead.”

In March 2014, when Ally Dinhofer, my 15-year-old daughter informed me she didn’t want to go back to sleepaway camp, we sat down to devise another plan for her summer. Around the same time, her father was asked to join friends on a trip to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. We discussed it and a decision was made for my firstborn to join her father and a group of 16 other adults on the trip of a lifetime. She was to be the youngest (by seven years) in the group. Who was I to say no to this opportunity for Ally to bond with her dad, experience an awesome climb and, I must admit, create an amazing topic for her college essay? I was very excited for her until her father arrived at my house with an oxygen deprivation tent that would go over Ally’s bed and gradually reduce her oxygen intake while she slept so she could acclimate to the thin mountain air. Panic set it. How could I let her fly halfway across the world to climb 19,341 feet and be deprived of oxygen? I started getting my own shortness of breath. Could my baby, the one who had sleep apnea as a toddler, actually survive? What if she got hurt? Or sick?

Ally and her dad Scott share a moment and a picture they will never forget.

I overcame my anxiety, somewhat, over the next few months because I knew she would be with her dad and a well-trained staff. When my ex told me he would have a special phone that would allow me to speak with my daughter from the mountain every day I breathed even easier. I was so grateful to hear her voice. I needed to let go.

When your child is heading out the door–whether to sleepaway camp this summer, college come fall or any other “first” without you–it is time to start letting go of the cockpit controls. Realize your role as a parent is to raise your children to become independent people who can navigate their world without you, which also means they make their own mistakes and then actually, hopefully, learn something from them. At what age did/do you stop contacting teachers when they get a bad grade, checking parent portals to then question every missing assignment? What would happen if you actually let them handle some of these experiences, fail and then learn from that failure? I promise they will still love you if you let them do the things they can do for themselves.

When children are younger, parents need to make decisions about what is best for them. For helicopter parents, over time, “best for them” becomes more about what parents think is best and less about what the child wants. Doing everything for your children teaches them to be dependent and have limited internal resources to trust their own instincts and opinions. Yes, teens make mistakes, and some can be quite scary, considering their frontal lobes (the site for the continuing development of decision making skills, impulsivity level, ability to organize and problem solving skills) are still developing. That is where the parenting you did when they were younger hopefully helps them make smart choices. I’m not saying you should just walk away and let them navigate their lives alone. Instead, continue to guide them without hovering overhead  to swoop in at the first sign of a  potential problem.

I frequently explain to parents that the teenage years are a time of letting go from both sides. Parents are learning how to let their children become their own individual selves and teens are learning to let go, make their own mistakes but know their parents are there if they need them. Teen rebellion is normal and should be expected to some degree. Depending on how we, as parents, manage the rebellion, can make all the difference.

A teenage girl who comes to my office shared her feelings about her mother’s helicopter parenting. “I know my mom is concerned about me, but when she’s in a bad mood because she’s worried about me it’s time to cut the cord. All it does is stress me out even more!” Listen to these words and remember that while your kids need you and your guidance they also need their space to grow and learn from their own mistakes.

Dr. Benna Strober is a psychologist in private practice in Mt. Kisco, specializing in individual and family therapy with children, adolescents and their parents. She is also the mother of three amazing teenage daughters who make her proud every day. For more information and helpful articles, please visit Dr. Strober’s website at www.Bennastrober.com

Sweet Rene – The Good Enough Mother’s Next Chapter

April 24, 2013 by The Inside Press

Rene Syler living dreams she never imagined. Photo by Craig Salmon — Rene Syler living dreams she never imagined.
Photo by Craig Salmon

When Rene Syler first graced the cover of Inside Chappaqua magazine in May 2007 she was embarking on a new chapter in her life. She had just lost her job at CBS’s The Early Show and published her book Good Enough Mother, a humorous look at modern motherhood. Syler was on course to reinvent herself and did just that via the internet. Fast forward to May 2013 and Syler, who celebrated her 50th birthday in February, has given new meaning to the saying, “there is beauty in imperfection.” Her career proves that great new beginnings are possible at any stage of life. “I’m almost another person,” says Syler about the changes in her life since 2007. She has shown that dreams you may never have imagined can come true. A social-media dynamo as well, these days Syler is busier than ever.

Since she was fired from CBS in 2006, Syler has been through difficult times. “It was like a tornado ripped through my life. I lost a job, lost my breasts ( a preventive measure) and lost my hair. All that loss shaped me to find myself and who I am.” Syler says she was down to the studs, but her foundation was the same: “I had to be true to myself.” Syler’s website, www.goodenoughmother.com, like Syler herself, has grown and transformed in the past six years. Serving up tips on parenting, home and family life, health and fitness, the site has migrated to Social Media: Facebook and Twitter where Syler’s audience has increased and her fans span the world. Good Enough Mother’s mission is to improve lives through the shared parenting experience. Spreading her message of ‘perfect imperfection,” she speaks from her authentic voice. “When people come to Good Enough Mother, they are comforted by learning that they are not alone,” says Syler, whose goal is to uplift and empower her followers which include a significant number of men too.

Syler says a big part of her story is the amazing shift in how business operates today. “I built an empire using a MAC. I went from a blog to having two paid staffers. One started as an intern and became a freelancer. The other, her assistant and producer Ella Rucker, saw Syler on television and asked her to become her mentor. Syler told her she was too busy and Rucker asked if she could help her. She told Syler she didn’t need to pay her and that she wanted to write. They have been working together for more than a year, and Rucker has made amazing strides. “Since I am on the road two weeks out of each month, Ella Rucker and I have a virtual office using skype and all the tools of modern business.” Syler loves the fact that Rucker took a chance on Syler and that Syler took a chance on Rucker.

“People ask me, ‘How many hours are you online? How long do you write? Aren’t you ever off?’” says Syler. Her response is that she is always connected. “I write all the time, when I’m not on my laptop, I’m writing in my head.” She asks them: “When was the last time you saw anyone build an empire putting in three hours a day, five days a week? Make an effort or make excuses.”

In her posts online, Syler has written about her family life from time to time, so her daughter Casey, 16, and son Cole, 14, have become part of her Good Enough Mother brand. “Like most kids they are tech savvy so it’s a part of life,” says Syler. Now that they are older she is more careful about what she writes about them. But they enjoy the perks of her new business, including her affiliation with Disney, Nike and Quaker Oats. “Sometimes I take them with me and that part they like very much.

Syler has made guest appearances on such programs as The Nate Berkus Show, The Wendy Williams Show, The Doctors, and has taken over for Joy Behar as her guest host on her CNN primetime show.

Syler makes many public appearances and was a headliner at Disney’s 2011 Social Media Moms’s Conference. “One of the fun things is to go to Blogging conferences and meet up with the people I’ve connected with online,” says Syler.

Host on “Sweet Retreats”

Her current hosting gig on Live Well Network’s Sweet Retreats came about on a circuitous route. Peggy Allen, an executive at that network saw an article about Syler a year ago in More magazine and contacted her about another project she had in mind for Syler. Sweet Retreats, on Sunday evenings at 7:30PM, highlights a new trend in which people on vacation rent apartments or houses instead of going to a hotel. On the show, Syler takes a group or family to various locations where they examine three possibilities and get to choose one.

Syler says the best decision she has made in her life was to marry the right person. Syler and her husband James “Buff” Parham, an Independent Media Consultant, have been married for 19 years. “Buff and I have built a life together. He’s steady Eddy and I’m emotional. I couldn’t do what I do without him.”

“I’m a multi-media brand,” says Syler who has come a long way in the past six years. Syler says the most gratifying aspect of her work is to have the opportunity to have an intimate dialogue with the people who follow her. “It’s talking back and forth,” says Syler. “If I hadn’t left network news I could never have done this.” Syler is happy for the relief she offers women today. “Women put too much pressure on themselves and live life on other people’s benchmarks.” Doing it her way, Rene Syler is, by her own example, so much more than a Good Enough Mother in 2013.

Ronni Diamondstein, owner of Maggie Mae Pup Reporter is a Chappaqua based freelance writer, PR consultant, award-winning photographer and a School Library Media Specialist and teacher who has worked in the US and abroad.