Single & Smart

An Excerpt from… AboutAverage.com

“Chicken Francese?” she repeated, correctly.

“Yeah, umm,hmm, Chicken Fran-Says-See,” he restated the same as before.

Clearly, this guy didn’t have an Italian bone in his body, that, or he didn’t get out much. I can understand screwing up the name of the place if you’re unfamiliar with it, but screwing up Chicken Francese? I have heard pronunciations like Fran-Chez, Fran-Sez, Fran-Chaze, Fran-Sayz. But never Fran-Says-See!

….The waitress set down the salad plates, which was a plate of iceberg lettuce, a wedge of tomato, an olive, and drenched with dressing. I cut my salad up like I always do because I hate the idea of trying to shove large lettuce leaves in my mouth loaded with a drippy dressing. My date, on the other hand, had no intention of caring whether he shoved a whole lettuce leaf in his mouth or a whole head of lettuce in his mouth! I then watched him shift into, what seemed to be an “eating stance” that consisted of his right hand planted on his right thigh, his left hand holding his utensil from the top, and his whole upper body hunched over his plate like a caveman who had never had a more than a fish stabbed at the end of a spear before.

As I quietly pecked at my side salad, cut up into smaller, bite-sized pieces, Contestant #10 was hunched over his plate, eating salad like his ship was going down. Ranch dressing was splashing, red onions were swinging, tomatoes were squirting. Lettuce remains that didn’t quite fit into his mouth were being cut by his front teeth, allowing them to drop back onto the plate, waiting for the next stab of his fork. As I was taking all this in, I realized the tennis talk finally ceased, probably because he was using his entire air intake to shove the salad down before the threat of someone came and took it away.

When he finally came up for air, I was about three quarters through with my salad. He was about to say something when I think he saw my transparent look of disgust spread across my face. Contestant #10 had ranch dressing dripping from his freakin’ chin! UH! Did I have the word IDIOT stamped across my forehead? Was that why I was attracting one idiot after another? Could I at least find a guy with manners? A napkin?

He straightened up in time to receive his next, light course of…..Chicken Fran-Says-See!!! His eyes lit up like Christmas morning and he quickly resumed his eating stance. As he demolished and devoured his chicken, I quietly ate my six little mushrooms, praying this date would be over soon. He pretty much ate his main course the same way he ate his appetizer. If anyone had been watching him sawing into his chicken one-handed with the side of his fork, they’d think this guy had never been allowed to eat in public his whole life. The table shook fiercely every time he tore into his chicken and sauce spattered about him, as he slopped each bite in a pool of Fran-Says-See sauce before slurping it into his awaiting mouth. At the rate this guy was going, he was going to eat the plate and bread basket before I got to my 4th mushroom. Really, this date couldn’t last too much longer.

Within the next few minutes, Contestant #10 did everything but lick his plate clean like a dog. I left a mushroom because, frankly, I completely lost my appetite.

“Would you like some dessert or coffee?” the waitress asked.

“I’m fine”, I said, “Full.” (of enough stomach turning for one night).

“How could you be full?” Contestant #10 asked.

“You barely ate that much,” he pointed out.

“It was a light dinner,” I remarked.

And, I didn’t feel the need to eat my way through the walls of a freaking restaurant like a damn termite, I thought.

*Jacey Hill is the pseudonym for a new, local author living in Westchester. She stays busy raising her two daughters, working as an elementary school teacher, and writing in her spare time. Jacey enjoys spending time with her family and her many friends, always trying to maintain a sense of stability for her family while balancing a sense of humor about being a single mom in the suburbs.

By Mimi Long*

When I first went through my divorce, the sense of liberation was overwhelming! Other than childcare limitations, I was free to go anywhere with whomever I wanted. I was fortunate that one of my closest girlfriends was in the same place in life. But what about my other married girlfriends? What did we have in common socially now that our lives had diverged? Would I be excluded from dinner parties? Would they socialize with me without their husbands for a night on the town or would our interactions be limited to the occasional brunch or movie?

Because I had been the one to end my marriage, some of my friends’ husbands perceived me as someone who might potentially show their wives how great the “single life” is, so they discouraged contact. Some of my friends were eager to hit the town with me while others shook their heads saying, “I can’t even imagine being ‘out there’ again!”

When a couple’s social life is highly connected to other couples, the question arises of who gets custody of the friends after divorce. Laura Lee Carter, author of How to Believe in Love Again, writes, “When I got my divorce, which was a completely friendly transaction, no lawyers, all healthy, adult agreements, I lost a number of “friends” and I definitely felt judged by others.” The decision to remain friends with the husband or wife often depends upon a couples’ own relationship. If it is not solid, then being around divorced people can make them feel that their own marriage is more vulnerable.

Bestselling author and columnist, Julia Spira (CyberDatingExpert.com), notes that some divorced women find that their married friends often provide emotional support but may still exclude them from social events that are attended mainly by couples. Sometimes, women feel threatened that their newly single friend may have her eyes on their man. In such a case, they are more comfortable socializing one-on-one.

Therapist Jaymes Ian Woode, author of 101 Behaviors a Guy Needs to Understand about His Woman!, has worked with many divorced couples trying to maintain their friends. He has observed that if the divorced woman is spending too much time talking negatively about their ex or men in general, this may cause invitations to evaporate. Husbands can be mistrustful of their wives socializing with a single friend. He writes, “A good marriage does not warrant mistrust when one hangs out with a single friend. However, the opposite is true. A bad marriage will certainly cause husbands to be fearful of their wives going out with newly divorced friends who typically want to attract attention from men.”

There is no one answer on how to nurture such friendships. Much depends on the initial strength of the friendship. Mary Pender Greene, a relationship expert in New York City, advises the following: “All of us have an “A” list and a “B” list of friends depending on our compatibility with them and their availability. Ask yourself which ones have/will come through for you when the chips are down.”

Understand that not all your friends will be able to satisfy all your needs. Accept them for who they are and embrace what they have to offer. You will have a wider source for friendship without disappointment. Be happy for the differences among them by learning to utilize and enjoy those differences.

Mimi Long* is the pseudonym for a freelance writer and teacher in Westchester. She has two daughters and enjoys traveling the world and meeting new people.

By Mike Lauterborn

What do you do if you are single or newly single? Sure, you could join a dating site, but then what? Where do you go and what do you do on your date? Maybe you don’t think a site devoted strictly to dating is for you. Fortunately, the Internet has some great resources including social networking groups which offer lots of ideas for activities you can enjoy in Westchester and the New York Metro area. Below is a small sampling…

Meet Up!
Meetup promotes itself as “the world’s largest network of local groups.” The online service makes it very simple for anyone to organize a local group around his or her personal interest/s or to join one of the thousands of groups already meeting. According to the site, more than 2,000 groups get together in local communities each day. It’s a great way for single and newly single people to narrow their search for a mate to those with common interests, while widening one’s social circle at the same time. The service boasts 7.2 million members and claims 250,000 monthly meetups. For info, go to: www.meetup.com Wine &

Dine!
Local Wine Events is a free online service which notifies subscribers of local food and wine events which are great opportunities to meet friends and potential love interests with a discerning palate and a passion for good taste. It was founded and developed by Eric V. Orange who has distinguished himself in the wine industry for the past 20 years. Site users can plug in their specific region of interest by name or zip code and see a list of wine events by date, with event details, cost and location included. For info, visit www.localwineevents.com

Get Going!
“Singles On The Go” is a tremendous online resource that allows singles to find groups and activities by state, city or even territory. Links are provided to a very broad range of “to-do’s” including speed dating, mixers, social networking, dining groups, wine tasting, dance groups, religious groups, volunteer teams, civic organizations and clubs–all dedicated to singles. For more information, go to: www. singlesonthego.com

Make A Date!
Single America is billed as “the most complete and up-to-date American singles and dating guide” online. Featured on its site are complete listings of singles’ parties, events, clubs and speed dating. There’s more: reviews of online dating sites, dating tips, advice, safe dating, gay and lesbian dating, religious and ethnic dating and more. This resource is essentially a portal to meeting new people, making friends and finding that certain special someone. Go to: www.Single-America.com

Be A Gourmand!
The Single Gourmet is one of the most established singles groups, known for its integrity and elegance. It was founded 25+ years ago and has chapters nationwide. It offers sophisticated single men and women a relaxed, easy way to meet other successful singles. The group hosts fine culinary events in Westchester, Rockland, Putnam and Fairfield Counties, as well as NYC and Long Island. To learn more and see lists of events, photos and travel plans, go to: www. singlegourmet-metrony.com

Now that you know where to go online, you’ll know where to go!

Mike Lauterborn is a freelance writer, author, marketing consultant and entrepreneur that loves to travel, experience new things and meet people.

by Deborah Nelson

So often we succumb to our cravings. We have a bad day, feel lonely, sad or mad, or a combination of all. One common solution is to “treat” ourselves to “comfort” food, such as cookies, ice cream or fast food. Most of the time, however, that comfort is short-lived, but we have succeeded in putting junk into our bodies. Then, we feel even worse, beating ourselves up with guilt for not sticking to a more healthy diet. It is an awful cycle– does it sound familiar?

Food can be a real tool to help manage how we feel. Proper nutrients are absolutely needed to fuel our bodies, but healthy foods can actually pick you up and make you feel better. Once you recognize this additional benefit, it becomes easier to not allow an upsetting event ruin your entire day and/or night. Knowing that the highs and lows of junk food can make you feel worse is the first step in limiting their role in your diet.

Being single is definitely one factor which tests us nutritionally. Often, it feels like it is hardly worth “cooking for one.” However, it is extremely important to fuel your body properly, especially as a single person who wants to feel and look their best!

Remember, what you eat goes into your body and then is carried around your system to feed every single cell in you. And food feeds your emotions too. Did you know that? It also impacts your sex drive!

Sugar and fast food cause havoc inside us and can make you miserable as your blood sugar rises and falls. Worse, your bodies are trained over time to expect more “easy to metabolize” junk calories, and when you do not get them, the cravings for them can be maddening.

I could go on and on about this topic, but for today, let’s start you on a healthy path with an easy and wonderful soup recipe that can be made as spicy or mild as you like and which adds a powerful nutritional punch. Enjoy!

Spicy Mexican Tortilla Soup (serves 4-6)
Ingredients:
1 onion, sliced
3 cloves garlic, sliced
32 oz veggie broth
1 can chopped tomatoes or salsa
(I use medium heat salsa)
1 can black beans
8 oz frozen corn
juice of 3 limes
1/2 avocado
1/2 small bunch of cilantro
1 tablespoon of chipotle sauce (not required if you use salsa)
1/4 cup of shredded
Mexican cheese
handful of tortilla chips

Directions:
Sauté onion and garlic until
lightly brown.
Add broth, tomatoes, black beans and cook until warmed through about 8 minutes.
Add frozen corn, lime juice and chipotle and cook for a few
more minutes.
Add cilantro and avocado and cook until the avocado is warm.
Spoon into bowls and add a few tortilla chips into the bowl
before serving.

Deborah Nelson, who lived in Chappaqua for several years, is the author of the “From Rainy Days to Sexy Nights Cookbook.” A certified Holistic Health Counselor, Deborah has counseled thousands of women and men on how to make significant changes in their lives. Visit
www.saucywellness.com and get your free report, “From Sugar to Sex–10 simple, saucy secrets that will transform your life now!”

by Susan Piperato

I’ve been a full-time single parent for 13 years, so I’ve never take time away from my two beloved sons for granted. When I dropped off my younger son, 17, at Newark Airport to visit his older brother in Chicago last summer, I drove home happy to have two weeks alone. But when I got back, something seemed amiss. Maybe it was the lone sneaker standing in the entryway, or the Frisbee on the antique chest in the living room. Whatever the reason, I suddenly felt as empty as my house.

Instead of watching a movie as planned, I spent the evening sitting on the couch, pondering how my life will change next year when my younger son leaves for college. I’d been secretly dreading this since his older brother, now 20, left two years ago; now I realized there was only one year left until my nest fully emptied–and when it did, unless I made changes, my life could remain as stagnant as it suddenly looked from the couch. So I did what I do in any crisis: lots of research.

The empty nest is “part of the natural progression of growth and development in children and families,” says Healthy Workplaces, LLC founder Mallary Tytel, but can be especially trying for single parents. This was certainly borne out by two single moms I know, whose nests emptied the year my older son left home. Beth, a lawyer and widow, went on such a shopping spree when her son moved down South that she has put their house up for sale to cover her debts. And Pamela, a dance instructor who divorced while her daughter was in her teens, visited her daughter’s college in Manhattan so often, offering lunch, pedicures, or gallery trips, that finally her daughter tearfully refused her. “The poor kid,” Pamela told me, “I thought if we just got together for an hour or so, I wouldn’t get in her way. What was I thinking?”

Kids leaving home can be as mind-blowing as their arrival, says Tina B. Tessina, Southern California psychotherapist and blogger “Dr. Romance”–“the reverse of ‘baby shock’–the reaction that happens when a baby changes your life overnight.”

Recognizing that when your kids are gone, you’re on your own is sound thinking, says Ed Moran, licensed clinical social worker at Family Centers in Fairfield County, Connecticut. “I don’t think single parents are more susceptible to experiencing it, but I think perhaps the way it can be experienced is different for single parents,” he says. “Although fathers can go through it, it’s traditionally the mother we associate with the empty nest–and a woman who’s been a mother and a wife has somebody right there to lean on and help them through it. But for single parents, it can be extremely devastating. “

Mt. Kisco family therapist Sharon Giles O’Neill believes single parents “fall at two ends of a normal bell curve/continuum.” Some have developed such close relationships with their kids that they consider them best friends and confidantes, she says, while others, “due to job/career needs, did not spend a lot of one-on-one time with their child–in these kinds of cases, the parent may feel more relief from guilt, but less attachment emotions.”

So, what’s a single parent to do? Start preparing a year ahead, says Tytel. Teach your child to live independently–including how to do laundry, cook, and balance a checkbook. Senior year is a time of “tug of war between independence and interdependence,” she warns, and for “looking forward and being open to the unknown” and “open communication.” Talking about everything from “fears, feelings of being alone,” to “what the parent will do with the extra time and space” will help the transition.

While some experts advise embarking on extreme makeovers immediately upon a child’s departure–including redecorating, meeting new people, dating, volunteering, and changing careers–Giles O’Neill cautions against taking on too much too fast. “Give thought to what hobbies, etc., you might suddenly have time for and possibly enter into, maybe one, in a small way to have a little experience before you’re alone,” she says. After all, when the nest empties, parents need to practice spreading wings before they fly–just like their children.

Susan Piperato is a freelance writer and editor based in the Mid-Hudson Valley. She is currently working on a children’s book.