The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

Single & Smart

“Life is a Date”

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A book excerpt from: How to Have A Match Made in Heaven: A Transformational Approach to Dating, Relating and Marriage (ASK Productions, Inc., 2012) By Ariel and Shya Kane

If you’re dating or contemplating dating again, you may be reading this with the desire to glean tips that will help you with that process. If you’ve been married for years, you may be skimming through this to get on to the information that applies to you. You may erroneously think that you’re “beyond the dating stage” and may be rushing forward to find the marriage parts. But dating itself is a key building block for any relationship or marriage. In fact, when a couple gets into trouble, they have often forgotten to woo each other. They have forgotten how to date. It’s easy to forget when there are bills to be paid and children to be fed or when you’re busy trying to make your relationship “go somewhere.”

The two of us are on a succession of dates. They have already lasted 30 years and we expect a lifetime of them. Sometimes we stop what we’re doing when one or the other of us will say, “Want to take a date with me out to the mailbox?” Then we slip on our shoes and go out our front door. The screen door makes a creaking salute, and we often hold hands as we head out into our driveway, our feet crunching on the gravel. It’s a time to feel the air and smell the greenery and see the sun slanting through the trees. Or perhaps it’s a time to slide over the snow and watch the bare branches clatter in the wind. But it’s always a time just for us. Getting the mail is an excuse to be together.

Of course we don’t actually need an excuse since we live and work together, but we make one anyway. We have dates while doing the dishes and others while making a trip to the grocery store. And occasionally over the years, we’ve even had a date in the emergency room as one or the other of us needed medical attention. It’s all an intimate adventure if you’re there for it.

Since 1987, internationally-acclaimed authors and seminar leaders Ariel and Shya Kane have taught individuals, couples and organizations worldwide how to live in the moment and unwire the knee-jerk behaviors that get in the way of living life with ease. For more information, visit www.MatchMadeinHeavenBook.com or www.TransformationMadeEasy.com.

 

Every Day is Mother’s Day

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By Miriam Longobardi

Mother’s Day is a holiday that honors and celebrates the joy of motherhood and yet most mothers I know experience all the triumphs and celebrations of our children, the large and the small, every day. As a single mom I get to horde all that to myself, but I am also the sole recipient of all the adolescent emotional tirades, teenage eye-rolls and heavy sighs at my inability to understand or my refusal to rescind a consequence that impacts their social lives. But when we become mothers we can’t just sign on for the hugs and kisses and Hallmark moments and I suppose this is why a day is set aside to honor all of the effort energy that goes into being a mother.

Like my own mother, I still have every hand-painted card and clumsily wrapped homemade gift my children have ever bestowed upon me. I became a single parent when they were fairly young, yet they still found ways to make me the requisite breakfast in bed (even without being allowed to use the oven or stove unsupervised). They would bring me yogurt with fruit and granola or banana and peanut butter and climb into bed to earnestly present their heartfelt little gifts. I felt more blessed by these simple gestures than watching commercials of Hollywood’s version of the all-American traditional two parent family. Our little family is perfect for us the way I hope that others feel their families suit them.

L-R: Amanda, Mom and Julia.

I couldn’t possibly write about Mother’s Day without giving a nod to my own mother. Don’t we all have a greater appreciation for what they experienced once we become mothers ourselves? I see the reflection of me in my daughters and recall what I put my poor mother through growing up and I feel like everything comes full circle. Both my parents are a major part in the raising of my kids with me and continue to shape the kind of mother I am. They are there when I need them, ready to pick up my kids if I’m stuck and will happily take them at the drop of a hat if I need some time to myself or the all-important getaway to save my sanity. Unconditional love and support is what they have always shown me and is a legacy of security I try valiantly to pass on to my own children singlehandedly.

As my children get older, one now in high school and the other in middle school, I’ve become keenly aware that my daily Mother’s Day moments with them–the joyful and the trying– are numbered. Before long–much sooner than I will ever be ready– they will be out on their own and the laughter at our family dinner table as well as the drama of angry door slams will be as much an echo of our former lives as their childhood cookie-crumb kisses and scraped knees. So when I sigh at another mountain of laundry or feel my blood pressure rise as I pass a bedroom strewn with clothes and electronics I try to remind myself that all these things are as much the treasures of motherhood as a great report card or cheering on the sidelines of a winning game.

So whether like me, you are fortunate to have your own mother still with you or are left with her memory, whether your children are needy toddlers that exhaust you as you entertain and chase after them endlessly, or are brooding teenagers that can drive you mad with monosyllabic indifference while refusing to look up from their phones, or are grown and leading their own lives, celebrate this wonderfully chaotic circle of life in the way that best honors your family–and do so a little each day.

Miriam Longobardi is a freelance writer, first grade teacher and single mother of two daughters living in Westchester. 
A breast cancer survivor, she also volunteers for the American Cancer Society and has completed four marathons. Also, check out her weekly New York Modern Love column at Examiner.com.

Top 10 Tools to Survive Single Parenting in Westchester

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By Miriam Longobardi
Photo by Amy Kerwin

If you’re a single parent, and let’s make the distinction between single parent and co-parent, the latter being the lucky group that gets every other weekend and/or additional weeknight entirely to themselves with potential help of another driver, you’ll need basic tools to survive in suburbia. [Read more…] about Top 10 Tools to Survive Single Parenting in Westchester

Tips for You Newly Single Gents

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By Ann Lindsay

No matter what your age, income, hair line or stage in life, if you are newly single, there are plenty of women out there looking for you! Most of them are pretty, smart, and successful in their own right and would make a great partner. However, there may be a bit of “spring cleaning” you need to do to catch the attention of the very best ones, and ensure that you look as reciprocally attractive as the gal you would like to meet.

What’s your physical state? Is it time to employ a work-out regimen, or are you lean and mean? There are magnitudes of men who lament letting their heart or blood pressure health slip and now are on medication that severely limits their sexual activity. You are most attractive to any woman when you are healthy and (if possible) medication free. Even if that means a few less steaks, eggs and martinis. Your life (style) will thank you for it!

How do you keep yourself? Regardless of what nature handed out are you well groomed? Shaved closely, hair trimmed into a good cut, two individual eyebrows, good teeth, clean cared for nails (toes too guys–at least for those of you who don’t want to be celebate!), and a fresh, clean scent.

What do you have on? She is going to make a judgment about who you are based on what you are wearing. Show up in baggy “dad” jeans and a Redsox hoodie and you’ve made a statement about your sense of style (and how much you care). Show up on a Saturday night in a three piece suit and you’re clearly trying too hard. Most men do not have a solid “social” wardrobe. Yes, there is a world of attire that lives between the office and the sofa! Don’t forget the details, a good watch and great shoes.

Where did you suggest to meet? Let’s start off on a better note than a coffee date. There is something considerably sexier to an intimate chat over a glass of wine perched on two bar stools. Choose a place that is quieter however, a larger restaurant bar, or better yet a good sized hotel bar.

What did you talk about? There is a vicious circle of missed conversation cues you need to know about. Women are socially trained to not let “empty space” or gaps in the conversation occur, and they will ask open ended questions to get you to fill them. Men oblige, and end up talking the entire time about themselves. At the end of the date they have learned nothing to spark their interest about the woman, and the women considers him a bore for talking about himself the whole time! She will appreciate you taking the lead on this and viewing your conversation like a tennis match: she asks a question, you answer it and bat the question ball back to her–back and forth.

On the date, be yourself, add some humor, and definitely toss a few compliments her way. And when it’s over, take a moment to ask yourself what felt right, or wrong about the encounter. Enjoy yourself more and more as you get back into the dating world, and as we ladies pick up on your positive energy, we’ll be enjoying you right back!

Ann Lindsay of Style of Success Image Consulting for men works to increase your social confidence and charisma as supported by your appearance. Go to www.sosformen.com or call 1-800-798-1643 to find out how she can give you a significant dating advantage.