The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

The Inside Press

How To Tell A Joke

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joke-manBy Professor Jackie Martling

By definition, jokes are ridiculous. Some people love them and some people hate them, but they’ve been around forever, and always will be.

There are two groups of people at every party: The people in the huddle telling the filthy jokes and the people who are trying to remember a filthy joke so they can get in the huddle. Every joke has a “butt,” be it the husband or the Jewish mother or the blonde. For the humor to happen, someone has to “get hurt” to some extent, preferably someone else. Mel Brooks’ definitions of comedy and tragedy are: “Tragedy is when I stub my toe. Comedy is when you fall off a cliff.”

For reasons I’ll never understand, I remember every joke I’ve ever heard. It started in the eighth grade and, over the past 50 or so years, I’ve learned a few tricks to telling them. Subtle do’s and don’ts may make you better at it.

Trim the Fat

Only relate what’s necessary. Long-winded stories packed with unnecessary details are mainly responsible for jokes getting a bad name. Playboy’s Party Jokes are a huge offender: “The sultry young lass sauntered into a nightclub, smiling broadly, and sexily asked the bartender if he could possibly…” No! Told properly, that hodgepodge translates to: “A girl walks into a bar and says to the bartender…”

Keep it Simple

Don’t ever break up dialogue. It’s, “The man says to the cop, ‘Hey, which way did that kid go?’” Not, “‘Hey,’ the man says to the cop, ‘Which way did that kid go?’” It just flows so much better that way.

Don’t use any descriptive adjectives unless it’s to distinguish one character from another. It’s, “The first worm says,” to distinguish him from the second worm in the joke. Not “the slimy, dirty worm,” unless the description is necessary to the joke.

No time like the present

Always use the present tense.. It gives the joke an immediacy and makes it more exciting. It’s always, “The barber says,” never, “The barber said.”

Save the best for last

Though sometimes you really can’t dodge them, do your best to not include any words from the punch line in the body of your joke. It just makes the punch line more fun.

And, very important, memorize the punch line. Know it well. Even say it out loud a few times so you can deliver it flawlessly with confidence and without stammering.

Three to Remember

Here are three great jokes, with a short idea between each pair to aid you in remembering them in that order.

A woman walks into a drug store and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like to buy some cyanide. I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist says, “Don’t be ridiculous. I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. You’ll go to jail, I’ll go to jail, you’re crazy.”

The woman reaches into her purse and hands the pharmacist a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist says, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

(Connector: The pharmacist’s brother is a psychiatrist…)

A guy goes into a psychiatrist’s office and says, “Doc, I can’t seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?”

(Connector: stuffed fluffy toys are fat)

A guy meets a girl in a bar and they go back to her apartment. They go into her bedroom and from left to right, floor to ceiling, there’s a whole wall full of fluffy toys. Floor to ceiling, side to side, fluffy toys everywhere. They get it on.

When they’re done, the guy says, “How was I?”

She says, “Take anything from the bottom shelf.”

So now you’ve got a string of three great jokes. Learn them and get in the huddle. If you want more, follow me on Twitter @jackiemartling. I tweet a new joke every day. You can also e-mail me, jokeland@aol.com, and you’ll get free jokes a few times a month.

Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling is the author of several popular joke books and albums. He was the head writer of The Howard Stern Show for 15 years and currently hosts Jackie’s Joke Hunt on SiriusXM every Tuesday night at 7 p.m.

EQUALS

THE GAME SHOW

It’s quite simple.

We’ll give you a number which equals the first letter of each word in a name, a phrase, an entity or an expression. Your mission is to solve what the letters stand for.

For example:

5 = F on O H

5 = fingers on one hand

This issue’s equations:

54 = C I a D W T J

Hint: Las Vegas

4 = T F W I L G A

Hint: stovepipe

4 = B O a B D

Hint: Abner

 

If you’re stumped, email me at jokeland@aol.com

The Care and Feeding of a Chappaqua Dad

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dad-w-tieBy Ian Karr

This June, in honor of Father’s Day, I’m going to break the Guy Code and reveal the Simple Things at the top of every Dad’s wish list. They also happen to be the secrets to keeping men happy and attentive forever. I know these are lofty claims, but we men are very simple creatures with even simpler needs.

It’s no surprise that men don’t “get” 50 Shades of Gray and women don’t “get” The Three Stooges. We’re hard-wired differently. Ironically, guys are about as complex as the Stooges. To us, life is about our family, friends, work…and trying not to get poked in the eye.

Whether we identify with Moe, Larry, or Curly, there are several Simple Things that seem to hold true for most men. Admittedly, I’m the farthest thing from a psychologist. But I did start Chappaqua Dads on Facebook. And I’ve been male my whole life. So please take a leap of faith and accept my authority on these Things. Or at least ask your guy if they ring true.

Simple Thing Number One:

We want a sanctuary. It’s extremely important to guys that the place we call home stands in stark contrast to the crazy world outside. Remember, only a few thousand years have passed since we were cavemen. That’s barely enough time on an evolutionary scale to grow an eyelash. We may carry iPhones today, but we still crave that cave; a safe, peaceful place to eat and sleep without fear of attack.

Simple Thing Number Two:

We need physical contact on a semi-regular basis. Big DUH, right? But it’s not just about the act. For us, sex is a mix of intimacy, pleasure, pursuit, success, and a hundred other things that make us feel like men. It’s deeply rooted in our sense of self. We certainly don’t expect our partners to be “in the mood” all the time, but the way we’re turned down matters.

Simple Thing Number Three:

We like cheerleaders. Okay, maybe corner-man is a better metaphor. Guys often see the world as a boxing ring. Our days are filled with bouts large and small. When the bell rings and we come home to our neutral corner (see sanctuary above), there’s nothing better than having someone there to put ice on our bruises, cheer us on, and make us want to go back in and fight another round.

It’s important to point out that these Simple Things have nothing to do with who works, who takes care of the kids, or who has to walk the dog at midnight. They are simply the keys to keeping men, as a species, happy. Use them at your own risk.

There’s one more Thing, but it’s about men and women equally.

The noted philosopher Martin Buber had a theory that all human interactions, whether with your mailman or your spouse, have a virtual life of their own. Buber termed these interactions “Spiritual Children.” Just like a real child, your “Spiritual” one can grow up sick or healthy, be a success or a failure, or hit you up for a hundred bucks and the car keys. The fourth Simple Thing is about taking care of the most important Spiritual Child: your relationship.

Simple Thing Number Four:

Your relationship comes first. Yes, before children. Before work. Before everything. The theory is that if you put your relationship first, you’re more likely to have a stable and loving foundation for being a better parent, a more productive worker, and a happier person. Take that vacation without the kids. Your family will be better for it.

That’s about it. If you already knew how simple we are, great! If you didn’t, you now have the power to give the best Father’s Day gift(s) ever. Or, you could just get us another necktie.

Guys, please forgive me. I know this information could be used to turn us into happy zombies, but I thought it was worth the risk.

Ian Karr graduated Tulane University with a degree in Sociology and is happy to have finally used it for something. Otherwise, he tries not to embarrass his wife Lauren and his kids, Jayden and Gregory. Sometimes he succeeds.

 

Hollywood in Chappaqua?

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Mark on set with Director Matt Reeves.
Mark on set with Director Matt Reeves.
David James Photo

by Mark Bomback

In the summer of 2004, my wife and I made the riskiest move imaginable. We moved to Chappaqua.

Some context. I grew up in New Rochelle, studied film at Wesleyan University in Connecticut, then moved out to Los Angeles in 1993 to pursue a career as a screenwriter. In L.A. I met my wife, Tema (a fellow transplant, but from Chicago), and three years later we were married. Our son Miles was born in 2000, followed by Caroline in 2003; by 2004, Tema and I were talking about having another child–a conversation that forced us to acknowledge that we would soon outgrow our Santa Monica townhouse.

As we started house-hunting, it occurred to us that we should consider living in New York instead. We were both becoming increasingly uneasy with the notion that raising our kids in L.A. meant having no family within driving distance. My three brothers were all living in the New York area, and the prospect of raising our children near their uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents was feeling like more and more of a priority.

However, my burgeoning screenwriting career was at a critical juncture. My first produced credit–a half-baked cloning thriller called Godsend–hadn’t exactly set any box office records. I’d managed to get myself hired by 20th Century Fox to write a fourth “Die Hard” film, however there was no guarantee the studio would actually make it. I certainly was in no position to uproot our lives and move 3,000 miles from the undisputed epicenter of my chosen profession.

Tema and I decided we’d give ourselves a year to think about it. Yet on a trip to New York that May, an exploratory outing with a Chappaqua-based realtor ended with us making an offer on a house.

Caesar (Andy Serkis) ponders his next move as he faces a threat posed by a colony of humans.WETA Photo
Caesar (Andy Serkis) ponders his next move as he faces a threat posed by a colony of humans.
WETA Photo

When we returned to L.A. and announced we were moving to Chappaqua, the nearly universal reaction from both friends and colleagues was “Why?!”

We tried impressing them with photos of our very-East-Coast-looking new house as we explained our reasons. Most of our friends understood, however some of them questioned our wisdom. And more than a few have subsequently admitted to me that they were all but sure the move would mean the end of my writing career.

When you write movies for a living, there’s a tendency to view your life through the prism of a narrative–to see yourself as a character in a story. And I admit, during the first year of our living in Chappaqua, I was constantly asking myself if this abrupt shift in the plot that was my life felt natural.What was I doing on the sidelines of an AYSO game only 20 miles from where I’d grown up? Had I botched the story? Tema, a city girl born and bred, was still coping with an acute case of suburban culture shock, so I hesitated to add to her reservations with any of my own. True, we did see a whole lot more of our extended family. We just didn’t expect to miss our old lives in L.A. quite as much as we did.

In time, however, we made new, and soon, very close friends. Equally important, we learned how best to stay in touch with our old ones, and gained an assurance that we hadn’t lost them in the move. Of course there were (still are!) winter days when Tema pined for El Matador Beach, but a morning spent sledding at Gedney has its own undeniable charms, and the small town we’d impulsively decided to call home has turned out to be an even more wonderful community than we’d anticipated.

Malcolm (Jason Clarke) tries to make peace with Caesar (Andy Serkis), Koba (Toby Kebbell) and Maurice (Karin Konoval).WETA Photo
Malcolm (Jason Clarke) tries to make peace with Caesar (Andy Serkis), Koba (Toby Kebbell) and Maurice (Karin Konoval).
WETA Photo

Less expected, but even more rewarding, is what Chappaqua has come to mean to me as a father. Before I had children, it never occurred to me to put down roots in Westchester–after all, I was going to be a happening screenwriter! So I hadn’t really considered what it would be like to raise my children in an environment that was in some ways markedly similar to that of my own childhood. For example, we sent our three daughters (we wound up having two more children since moving here) to the same day camp I attended.

My son and I devour buffalo wings at the Candlelight Inn, where I don’t think they’ve changed so much as a lightbulb since I was a kid. And the mere smell of the grass at those AYSO games brings me right back to the New Rochelle soccer fields that I played on when I was their age (with far less skill than my offspring). In short, there is a very unique pleasure to be had in watching my kids forge memories in settings that feel just a little familiar, although I get as much joy from seeing how our experiences diverge as I do from recognizing where they intersect.

 “When you write movies for a living, there’s a tendency to view your life through the prism of a narrative…”

Working from home in Chappaqua also means that I see my kids a lot more than I might have if we’d stayed in L.A., where meetings, lunches and dinners are always welcome opportunities to procrastinate. Of course I do have to travel to L.A. quite a bit, but when I’m home I’m home. As for my career, thankfully things broke the right way for me, and I would attribute at least part of my success to living here, as the distance from L.A. requires me to stay even more focused than I might have otherwise, and to maximize every opportunity that comes along.

There’s a screenwriting adage that I always do my best to adhere to: the ending of a story should feel at once surprising and inevitable. I never thought I’d live in a town like Chappaqua until that fateful summer when Tema and I decided to just take a chance and go for it. Now, as we approach the 10-year anniversary of our big move, it feels like it was always meant to be.

Mark Bomback is a screenwriter whose credits include Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (opens July 11), The Wolverine, Unstoppable, Live Free or Die Hard and Race to Witch Mountain, among others. A TV series, Legends, co-developed with Howard Gordon (Homeland) is scheduled to premiere August 20th on TNT.

 

 

 

Hey Coach!

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eric-kratzBy Eric Kratz

It is hard to believe that it’s been 14 years since I started coaching. The kids I coached at the beginning are now young men and women that can out-play me in the sports I helped them learn, but that’s what’s supposed to happen.

I became interested in coaching in 1992 after walking into a client’s office and admiring his wall filled with team photos. I had many long talks with him about how much work, but tremendous joy it was coaching his son. I was hooked…but a few things had to happen first. Like get married, have kids and buy a house somewhere in Westchester.

Fast forward to about 2002 and me running up and down the sidelines at the Boys and Girls Club coaching five-year-old boys on the basketball court.

I learned quickly that self-confidence and a love for the game were the most powerful things I could teach. Some kids have natural talents; others need to work hard to achieve basic skills. At the beginning of every season I would try to figure out where each kid could play at the start of the season that would get them into the game but not shake their confidence. As they learned and developed, I slowly moved them around to other positions. I explained this strategy to the kids and they really got it. Unfortunately, some parents didn’t. It still amazes me how some people are focused on playing time and winning at such a young age, when we really should be concentrating on teamwork and fundamentals.

hey-coachThe first time I coached 5th grade rec baseball we had a really interesting combination of kids. We were the Mets, and we played like our namesake. (I’m a Mets fan, but, let’s face it, being a Mets fan is tough). We had one really talented kid–I think he is now playing for Greeley–but the other 12 needed a little work. Some of the kids never played before. I tried to build their confidence throughout the season. I first put them in positions I thought they could handle to build up their confidence, then slowly moved them around, telling them what they needed to work on to get better.

By the end of the season, we had kids that could play several positions pretty well. We worked on the basics, base running, how to communicate and, most importantly, to support each other. All the teams made the playoffs, the top two got to play under the lights at the Rec field with the whole league watching in a championship game. It was a great experience. Too bad our town does not have more night sports events like high school football, but that’s another article for another time…

 “It still amazes me how some people are focused on playing time and winning at such a young age, when we really should be concentrating on teamwork and fundamentals.”

We were not supposed to get past the first round, but we kept on winning. The kids played with confidence and supported each other. We ended up winning the championship in extra innings. I know most of them probably forgot about it the next day, but it was the realization of my amateur coaching dreams.

This spring will be the last season that I coach a sport. It has been a fun ride. I hope the kids I coached enjoyed the experience and will have the confidence to compete in anything. I moved my office recently, and kept one wall to hang all of my team pictures.

Sometimes, when the day is not going the way I would like, I take a few minutes to look at the pictures and remember all the fun and great reactions the kids had when they made a nice play. I hope that wall of photos, and maybe this story, inspires others to coach and continue the tradition.

Eric Kratz has been living in Chappaqua since 1997. When not coaching, Eric owns a software company and can often be seen jogging along Seven Bridges Road.

 

Chappaqua Teens Get into the Right Zone

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Decoupage-project14Who better to run a teen activity than a teen?

That’s the thinking at the Chappaqua Library’s Teen Zone, where several Horace Greeley High School students are running programs for their peers and middle-schoolers.

For Girl Scout Kate Rosenberg, sharing her love of crocheting would have been part of her Gold Award project even it wasn’t a requirement.

“I’ve always loved to crochet, and regretted the fact a large percentage of the population has no idea what crocheting is, let alone how to do it. This seemed like the perfect way to spread something I love,” she says. “I chose the library because I wanted somewhere community-oriented. It seemed like the best way to have the greatest impact on the greatest number of people.”

Another Girl Scout, Lauren Berger, channeled her love of reading into a book group for middle-schoolers. Lucas Lande, an avid player of the card game Magic: The Gathering teaches skills and strategy to classmates.

“The kids know what they like and what their friends like, so whenever a student has an idea for a program, we’re very receptive,” says Donna Pesce, Teen Librarian.

“My goal was to get more middle-school kids reading. Many think that it is “uncool” to read for fun. I wanted to get kids excited about reading and get them reading more than just what they are assigned,” says Lauren, whose monthly book club is part of her Gold Award project.

Michael-Friedland-14Finding a regular time and place to play Magic: The Gathering wasn’t easy for Lucas and his fellow card- game players, so his Magic sessions in the Teen Zone really fill a need, he says. They’ve gotten so popular, he’s now holding them once a week instead of once a month. Both seasoned players and newcomers are welcome.

Student Initiated Programs

“It’s fun to teach new players. I usually suggest they play one deck exclusively until they’ve memorized each card and know what to do with it,” he says. His experience in the Teen Zone has inspired him to look into starting a Magic club at school, he notes.

Other student-initiated programs include anime festivals, decoupage projects and video gaming sessions. Some programs, started a year or two ago by Teen Zone alumni, have been so popular that a new crop of student leaders took them over.

A few times each school year, Michael Sayers, a page at the Library, holds court over middle- and high-schoolers playing Halo 4 and Forza on the library’s X-Box 360. The sessions were originally organized by then-Library Page Matt Jaselove, now a college student. Michael, a long-time gamer himself, enjoys watching the kids 
have fun.

“It used to be that you had to be in the same room with your friends if you were doing a multi-player game, so it was a social experience. These sessions are sort of harking back to those days,” he said.

During the summer of 2013, Teen Zone regulars decoupaged a coffee table to go with the couch in the TZ area. They enjoyed the experience so much that when the project’s coordinator, Claire Cohen left for college, current HGHS freshman Michael Friedland took it over.

“Building something as a group is fun and it’s great to see the completed project. It’s also fun teaching people how to do it,” says Michael, admitting that “getting people to listen” is the hardest part of running the program.

Alumna Cohen is scheduled to return to the Teen Zone this summer to run a series of duct-tape craft workshops. All things anime appeal to Junior Andrew Kihara so he organizes anime festivals, featuring a story-board/collage craft, origami, Japanese food and a notable film. “We used to go to the New York City Comic-Con, but then we decided to hold our own “convention” at the library,” says Andrew, who, with his mother, screens the movie in advance to make sure it’s a winner. Many participants do both the origami, a traditional Japanese craft, and the 
contemporary storyboard project.

A Welcoming Environment

“The best part about running festivals like these is you get to see the kids have fun playing with foreign traditions. They get to experience a lot of Japan’s meta culture and it’s always nice to see them excited to do something new,” he notes.

“We’re happy to provide an opportunity for our teen patrons to try out their ideas in a welcoming, comfortable environment,” says Pesce. “We like to have a variety of activities to appeal to as many interests as possible. Libraries today are really community activity centers–they’re not just for reading anymore,” she notes.

Most Teen Zone programs are scheduled for Friday afternoons and occasionally Friday evenings. Pesce says it’s a good “decompression” day and the activities allow the students to make the transition from school mode to a generally less-structured weekend schedule.