The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

Humor

The Art of Being Neighborly on my Cul-de-Sac

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It’s a week before the big day and our family has convened to strategize a significant plan of action. This approach must be executed with meticulous detail so that the inevitable impending onslaught will be met with precision. A disciplined chain of command will ensure that whatever blueprint we settle upon will come from the top. Which is most definitely not me. My wife, Laurie, has decided, as The Decider, that the candy should be put into easy to distribute, pre-packed little bags with plump pumpkins on them. While this laborious option will guarantee fairness and efficiency (and trackable statistical data my wise-guy son adds) I tend to lean towards the more chaotic and subjective. Why not greet each kid, assess quality of costume (along with their trick or treat statement) and then distribute loose candy based upon this information? With 200 to 300 trick or treaters expected you can see why I am not The Decider. Welcome to life on my cul-de-sac.

When we moved to our Northern Westchester digs everything seemed new and a bit odd but exciting too. In the city we’d walk the kids to school every morning and it was a sweet ritual. Leaving that and other distinct urban scenarios behind made me hesitant to embrace the move to this beautiful bucolic suburb. However, almost immediately, it was clear that the more rural versions of our established routines were equally wonderful. In this case, we’d lose the family time spent walking to school as, now, the bus-stop is literally in front of our house. This simple fact of geography led to very fast friendships for the kids, as well as parents, who would all gather on a near daily basis. It would be impossible not to notice that we’d absolutely landed in a neighborhood.

Some of the bus-stop relationships evolved into friendships that still remain. Others were fleeting and on occasion a little contentious but that’s just the way life is with people interacting daily, sometimes before coffee. What became intriguing to me over time was the evolution of the bus stop. You’d see your kids eventually age out along with their peers followed by new kids which were often younger siblings you might know. At one point a whole new crop of kids populates the space by the house and, not being connected to it other than seeing it from the window, you realize that that particular aspect of living in the cul-de-sac always continues. Just as sweet as ever but no longer a direct part of our lives.

It may be a personal flaw but I’m very quick to base opinions upon my initial impression of people. Fair or not, neighbors show themselves one way or another and, unwittingly, I reach a conclusion about who they are which will never change unless they prove otherwise. I know this is absurd and not particularly neighborly but here we are. Shortly after we landed in our house a neighbor said hello and within 10 seconds told me I needed a new roof on my house. Probably a wonderful person but, for me, he’ll always be that guy who was critical of our new abode when I was at the height of emotional vulnerability homeowner-wise.

Along those lines, when the kids were young, there was a mother at the bus stop with a child the same age as my son. She wasn’t particularly friendly, even a bit abrupt, and I rashly concluded she was just kind of a hard case. Our kids became friends and I got to know her a little better and, of course, she turned out to be a very kind person. It turned out this single mom had serious health issues and I always felt terrible about my initial shallow rush to judgement. One December she came by to ask me to tune an electric guitar she’d bought for her daughter. I happily did so and she gave me a warm and spontaneous hug. I watched her walk away, guitar in hand, in light December snow headed up towards her house at the end of the cul-de-sac. The neighborhood is quite simply a community of folks living in close proximity and all that that entails.

My Dad’s Most Impactful Contributions to New Castle As Town Supervisor

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Town Supervisor Robert Greenstein and Jessie

Last month right before Election Day, I was asked to interview and write about our Town’s Supervisor (aka my dad) Rob Greenstein, and hear what he thinks were his ten most impactful contributions to the New Castle community. Luckily, I have direct access to him so scheduling time with him wasn’t an issue. Here is what my dad believes are his ten most significant accomplishments, besides surviving Chappaqua Moms!

1. He helped to start the eNewsletter.  He tells me that the eNewsletter and his Supervisor reports inform residents on town updates and events. Does anyone really read them?

2. He planned and completed the infamous infrastructure & streetscape project. He tells me the project includes new sewers, drainage to stop downtown from flooding, and hopes to improve the appearance of downtown Chappaqua. It will also make it safer to walk around. Are you kidding Dad? The construction hazards were also treacherous. And what about all those cones?!?!

He worked on updating the zoning in downtown Chappaqua to encourage more housing. He even helped to plan our first all-inclusive playground. The new basketball court in the back corner of town hall parking lot will bring people to play and exercise, and maybe after a game they’ll stop at one of the many nail salons- only kidding :). To highlight all of this, DiscoverChappaqua.com was created. I can’t wait to see it…

3. My dad played a pivotal role in Chappaqua Crossing. Everyone loves Whole Foods & Life Time. And I can’t wait for the Starbucks! I mean a drive thru Starbucks right next to the high school, that’s a coffee addict’s dream come true. He tells me that some new restaurants are coming. We’ve been hearing that for a long time. When?

My dad told me that Chappaqua Crossing will once again become an economic engine that drives our commercial tax base. Huh? I do think it’s cool that the old Readers Digest headquarters is now housing. My dad is also very proud of the Chappaqua Performing Arts Center. It is nice, and the price was right ($1) but it needs some work. It’s no Radio City Music Hall but it will only get better.      

4. My Dad also helped bring DeCiccos & Sons to Millwood. I mean their guacamole and chips is exceptional! But, rest in peace A&P.

5. He helped create the Distracted Driving initiative in town. His team started the “Hands Off the Phone and On the Wheel” project. He loves his magnets. Just look around. We have lots of SUVS in town–many with magnets.

6. Like my older brother, my dad is really into the environment. He tells me New Castle was the first municipality in New York State to choose green electricity.  That apparently means that our energy comes from renewable sources. He also helped ban plastic bags in town. The funny part is that he still forgets to bring his reusable bags to stores. It’s fun watching him juggle the groceries when he leaves a store. I guess I could help.

7. He helped institute the 2017 Comprehensive Plan. What the heck is that?  He tells me that we received an American Planning Association Award for it. Get a life, dad.   

8. He is proud of a few committees they started such as Every Person is Connected (EPIC), Community Inclusion & Diversity Committee and the New Castle Holocaust & Human Rights Committee.

9. He also helped pave a lot of streets. But, I think they forgot to pave our street.

10. Finally, my dad helped to create the New Castle Holocaust Memorial. With help from members of the community, 750 daffodils were planted. The Daffodil Project hopes to plant 1.5 million Daffodils in memory of the children who perished in the Holocaust. I can’t wait to see the flowers in the spring.

Dad, I know myself, the rest of the family, and the community have given you a tough time over the years. But retirement has come! Let’s buy a walking cane and anti-grey hair spray (oh wait, you don’t have hair)!  Thank you for all you have done for the town. Your efforts have most certainly not gone unnoticed. It was evident how much you cared and contributed to the town and I know you will forever leave a mark on the community.

From Sump Pumps to Sandwiches: My Adjustment to Suburban Living

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As we were planning our move to Chappaqua from the city back in 2003 all the big questions had been addressed. Roaring Brook would have 19 or 20 kids in Charlie’s first grade class as opposed to the 27 in his Manhattan kindergarten. We’d convert our oil-burning furnace to natural gas because a knowledgeable source told us to. Bella’s crib would fit in a wonderfully proportionally manner in her new bedroom as opposed to the glorified walk-in closet that was her room in the apartment. And, Laurie would be able to walk to the train which was only a half mile away. With these issues addressed I was able to focus on something that I’d been mildly dreading. How and where would I be able to equal the bacon and egg on a roll with ketchup sandwich I’d treat myself to on mornings of happiness and optimism?

You see, pre-move, when I’d walk into the Korean deli on our block I’d make eye contact with the grill-man and before I could grab a self-serve regular coffee the eggs would be cracked, sizzling and within minutes I’d be enjoying the perfect urban New York sandwich. So, over those initial weeks I got the lay of the land breakfast-wise and from there was able to go on with my life. As it turns out, there were a number of local fine bacon and egg on a roll with ketchup sandwiches sampled and each one a little different. One local deli offered a solid and tasty effort aesthetically notable for the fact that they don’t cut the roll in half. Another put forth a hearty two egg affair with lovely fresh bread and egg yolk just runny enough to make the sandwich delicious yet manageable. The bagel store offered an extremely hearty sandwich, which was elevated by the meticulously crisped bacon. Much to my delight, the local delis up here were most definitely on their game.


Other elements of adjusting to life in Chappaqua were a little more jolting. We quickly realized that the 10-minute walk to the train was not exactly safe, nor even doable with snow on the ground, due to a lack of sidewalks on Quaker Road. I investigated alternative routes but realized that the fading dream of living a pedestrian lifestyle like our previous one would not be easy to accomplish. Happily, a number of years into our residency here sidewalks were installed near our house and this game changer of an infrastructure project most definitely opened up the possibility of, once again, being an active daily pedestrian. Ironically, years of driving everywhere, a situation I preached against when I was an urbanite, had become quite comfortable and the conversion to shoes back on concrete would take another mental adjustment.

Getting used to living in this countrified suburb took some time and a steep learning curve. The first house thing encounter was like a slap in the face. I knew intellectually that house-living meant you can’t call the Super when there’s a dripping faucet. Cut to me wading in ankle-deep water in our basement barely being able to pronounce “sump-pump” let alone having any idea of what the hell it even was. A more pressing issue was how exactly to make the damn thing function properly and clear the water out of our suddenly disgusting water logged basement. Now, a veteran homeowner, I’m essentially “Mr. Sump Pump” with a high-end, self installed bad-boy keeping the basement fastidiously dry. And, don’t get me started on my back-up sump-pump because I’ll happily chew your ear off on why having a second one is simply a must.

We’ve been here now for 15 years and It’s gone fast. Of course there’s been physical changes in the community from the aforementioned sidewalks to changing businesses to new athletic fields and so on. For us the changes have been the simple and huge developments that are universal yet unique to any family and probably somewhat indefinable. It’s the concrete things like a good bacon and egg on a roll with ketchup sandwich that hopefully remain constant. If not, there’s always another deli.

COMEDY KIDS: Telling jokes to fight cancer

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8-year-old boys trying to prove laughter truly is the best medicine

roaring-brook-3rd-graders-fight-cancer-with-humorWhat do you get when you cross two Third Graders, some side splitting jokes, and a fundraiser? One step closer to curing pediatric brain cancer!

Eight-year-old friends and classmates, Max Chwatko and Alex Travin, have created Comedy Kids to raise much needed funds for pediatric brain cancer research. When Max’s little sister, Scarlett, was diagnosed with a brain tumor, the twosome were compelled to take action. They began telling jokes to fellow students in exchange for a donation to charity. When classmates began donating bags of allowance money, the duo decided to take the show on the road.

“When my sister got sick with cancer it felt like my responsibility to help raise money for cancer research,” said Max. “Being funny is a big part of our life and it helps us not feel so sad about the cancer, and I like how jokes come to life when I tell them.”

The pair’s first gig will be at the Chappaqua Farmer’s Market on November 5, from 9:30-noon. Every penny raised will go to A Kids’ Brain Tumor Cure (AKBTC), which has roots in their Chappaqua community, and which also funds essential research for kids like Scarlett.

“Jokes are really funny and make people happy,” said Alex. “And by telling them in school for a donation it was like all the kids in class were helping other kids.”

For those who cannot make it to the farmers market event donations can be made online. For any gift of $20 or more Max and Alex will send a personalized, knee-slapping video joke to donors.
“It’s so inspiring when kids take it upon themselves to support a cause near and dear to their hearts,” remarked Kim Gilman Director of Development/Family Outreach of AKBTC. “Cancerous brain tumors are the number-one cancer related death in children, yet pediatric brain cancer research is drastically underfunded and no significant advances in treatment have been made in the past 25 years. Private funding for promising research is what gives us all hope for a cure for children battling this horrible disease.”

For information please contact comedykidsny@gmail.com

To support Comedy Kids and make an online donation please visit: akidsbraintumorcure.donordrive.com

Learn more about Comedy Kids and follow them on social media

Comedy Kids Facebook page

Farmers Market event page, market located at the Chappaqua, NY, train station

Instagram

Twitter

ABOUT COMEDY KIDS

Max Chwatko credits his sense of humor to his grandfather who is “probably the funniest person on earth.” He is also inspired by Will Ferrell, The Three Stooges, Austin Powers and Billy Eichner. Original joke by Max: Why are noses in good shape? They run!

Alex Travin’s comedic influences include Uncle Joey Gladstone of Full House fame, Mork from Ork, The State and Gilligan, the bumbling first mate of the SS Minnow. His favorite joke of the moment: How do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream!

ABOUT A KIDS’ BRAIN TUMOR CURE FOUNDATION

Cancerous brain tumors are the number one cancer related death in children. Current treatments are toxic, cause permanent cognitive and physical impairments, and severely diminish quality of life. Pediatric brain cancer research is severely under-funded, and as a result, there have been no new treatment breakthroughs in 25 years. The mission of A Kids’ Brain Tumor Cure (AKBTC/PLGA Foundation) is to raise funds and awareness for scientific research leading to new, promising treatments and a cure for children’s brain cancer. For more information, visit www.akidsbraintumorcure.org; contact info@akidsbraintumorcure.org; or connect on social media at www.facebook.com/PLGAFoundationAKBTC/, or #AKBTC or @PLGA

How To Tell A Joke

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joke-manBy Professor Jackie Martling

By definition, jokes are ridiculous. Some people love them and some people hate them, but they’ve been around forever, and always will be.

There are two groups of people at every party: The people in the huddle telling the filthy jokes and the people who are trying to remember a filthy joke so they can get in the huddle. Every joke has a “butt,” be it the husband or the Jewish mother or the blonde. For the humor to happen, someone has to “get hurt” to some extent, preferably someone else. Mel Brooks’ definitions of comedy and tragedy are: “Tragedy is when I stub my toe. Comedy is when you fall off a cliff.”

For reasons I’ll never understand, I remember every joke I’ve ever heard. It started in the eighth grade and, over the past 50 or so years, I’ve learned a few tricks to telling them. Subtle do’s and don’ts may make you better at it.

Trim the Fat

Only relate what’s necessary. Long-winded stories packed with unnecessary details are mainly responsible for jokes getting a bad name. Playboy’s Party Jokes are a huge offender: “The sultry young lass sauntered into a nightclub, smiling broadly, and sexily asked the bartender if he could possibly…” No! Told properly, that hodgepodge translates to: “A girl walks into a bar and says to the bartender…”

Keep it Simple

Don’t ever break up dialogue. It’s, “The man says to the cop, ‘Hey, which way did that kid go?’” Not, “‘Hey,’ the man says to the cop, ‘Which way did that kid go?’” It just flows so much better that way.

Don’t use any descriptive adjectives unless it’s to distinguish one character from another. It’s, “The first worm says,” to distinguish him from the second worm in the joke. Not “the slimy, dirty worm,” unless the description is necessary to the joke.

No time like the present

Always use the present tense.. It gives the joke an immediacy and makes it more exciting. It’s always, “The barber says,” never, “The barber said.”

Save the best for last

Though sometimes you really can’t dodge them, do your best to not include any words from the punch line in the body of your joke. It just makes the punch line more fun.

And, very important, memorize the punch line. Know it well. Even say it out loud a few times so you can deliver it flawlessly with confidence and without stammering.

Three to Remember

Here are three great jokes, with a short idea between each pair to aid you in remembering them in that order.

A woman walks into a drug store and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like to buy some cyanide. I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist says, “Don’t be ridiculous. I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. You’ll go to jail, I’ll go to jail, you’re crazy.”

The woman reaches into her purse and hands the pharmacist a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist says, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

(Connector: The pharmacist’s brother is a psychiatrist…)

A guy goes into a psychiatrist’s office and says, “Doc, I can’t seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?”

(Connector: stuffed fluffy toys are fat)

A guy meets a girl in a bar and they go back to her apartment. They go into her bedroom and from left to right, floor to ceiling, there’s a whole wall full of fluffy toys. Floor to ceiling, side to side, fluffy toys everywhere. They get it on.

When they’re done, the guy says, “How was I?”

She says, “Take anything from the bottom shelf.”

So now you’ve got a string of three great jokes. Learn them and get in the huddle. If you want more, follow me on Twitter @jackiemartling. I tweet a new joke every day. You can also e-mail me, jokeland@aol.com, and you’ll get free jokes a few times a month.

Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling is the author of several popular joke books and albums. He was the head writer of The Howard Stern Show for 15 years and currently hosts Jackie’s Joke Hunt on SiriusXM every Tuesday night at 7 p.m.

EQUALS

THE GAME SHOW

It’s quite simple.

We’ll give you a number which equals the first letter of each word in a name, a phrase, an entity or an expression. Your mission is to solve what the letters stand for.

For example:

5 = F on O H

5 = fingers on one hand

This issue’s equations:

54 = C I a D W T J

Hint: Las Vegas

4 = T F W I L G A

Hint: stovepipe

4 = B O a B D

Hint: Abner

 

If you’re stumped, email me at jokeland@aol.com