domestic violence

During Times of Stress: Reasons to Turn to The Therapists at REPOSE

November 10, 2023 by Christine Pasqueralle

Megan Kordenbrock, LMSW, at Repose
Photo by Donna Mueller

It goes without saying, the holiday season can be a very stressful time. For some, the psychological trauma of world events may be deeply felt. But the reasons can also be more mundane. Between all the commitments. overbooking and family drama, anyone can feel overwhelmed. Add in the daily stressors already in our lives and some may find the need to reach out for some professional guidance. This is where Repose can help.

The Repose practice started early in the pandemic as a remote option for those seeking therapy. Now with an office space in Pleasantville, Repose provides clients with a holistic approach to therapy, honoring the connection between mind, body, and spirit. Its mission is to help people gain clarity, heal, and overcome challenges so that they may live with greater ease. As their website states, “Although we cannot cure our wounds, we can heal them.” Repose is here to help those who seek it and in a gentle and inclusive way.

One of their therapists Megan Kordenbrock, a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW), explains here how therapy can help and how to begin the process and wellness in general–whether it’s during this busy end-of-year season, or whenever the time feels right to you.

Megan joined the Repose team in July 2023 and has been a LMSW since 2011. She works with clients remotely as well as in the Pleasantville office, and having the option of either is very helpful for many clients. “People enjoy the flexibility of therapy online but also enjoy using the office in person. Being together in the room is awesome. However, for some people, it’s hard to get out of bed, but they can still go to therapy, and can do trauma-processing work online as well.”

Repose is always adapting to people’s needs whether they prefer remote or in-person sessions. Megan’s practice has mostly been in interpersonal violence work–domestic violence and sexual assault, helping those victimized as both children and adults. She works with survivors of trauma and has seen the ways in which people can heal and develop new ways of being and coping with their feelings. “With trauma and suffering with mental health: you think you are your symptoms. But I explain to people, there is nothing wrong with you. Something happened TO you. Your mind and system adapt with ways of dealing with it. We are taking the shame out of it and helping people find ways of coping with it.”

As the world has changed, so has our approach to seeking therapy. “We lived through a shift in how our world functions.

I work with a lot of college students who had a lot of losses–big and small. It was just how life really changed during pandemic–it was a lot to deal with, but we’re ready to move on as a culture.”

On Processing Feelings

One of Megan’s main philosophies is that of feelings. “You can’t heal what you can’t feel.” As a society, we tend to try and intellectualize situations and sometimes brush our feelings aside. The practice of being able to ‘sit in’ your feelings and really recognize them and give them a voice is an important part of any healing journey. “Being able to slow down in a way that’s safe and notice that feelings are just feelings–they just want to be felt. Can you slow down and step out of the back and forth of your mind. Ask yourself–’what am I feeling?’ I find that men and boys especially are socialized not to be in the feelings’ realm. Therapy is a safe space to feel what you’re feeling. The relationship element with the therapist is the most important ingredient for change and growth.”

Although therapy has become such a wide-spread part of how people work through their feelings and trauma, for some, there is still an apprehension towards trying it out. “It’s normal to feel a mix of both curious and anxious. People have often developed sound coping mechanisms to get by and not feel what they’re feeling. It can be overwhelming to take those feelings out. Trauma-informed therapy is so important –it’s a pacing thing. Going at a safe pace not to avoid but to say ‘we can do this together’ in a way that’s not overwhelming. You go slow. Especially for those that experience a lot of hard things–it can be scary.” As both the world and our personal lives become more stressful seemingly by the day, the holiday season can be one that exacerbates our daily stresses. Megan shared some very helpful tips for coping and thriving through the new year.

“Whatever season of life you’re in, your relationship to the holiday season will change. There’s always a lot of expectations–spending time with others, rituals, travel, feeling the joy of the season. There’s a lot of transitions that are happening. Routines go out the window and it can be very disorienting–especially for kids in college kids who are navigating their new independence.” People grieving a loss or dealing with loneliness may find difficulties come up. “It can be a really painful time–do I celebrate or not?” Megan suggests planning ahead to help alleviate any unnecessary stresses.

“Know yourself. What season of life am I in and find a way to come up with a goal or mantra. Maybe it’ connection or rest. What are your priorities and how can they ground you? Consider what to say yes to or not. Have intention around a plan and how you want to spend your time.” She also suggests leaning on others so that not everything is fully on you. “Think ahead–there’s a big mental load that comes around during this time.” And don’t forget about prioritizing yourself–which we all know can be difficult. “What fills your cup? It may be time with friends, time alone, exercise, cooking, etc. It’s easy to lose these things first but make sure they’re a part of your time too so you’re not always just giving, giving, giving.”

Most importantly Megan says, just allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. “It’s ok to have a rest day or a hard day or even feel like you’re having a good time when you thought you wouldn’t.” Your feelings are constantly shifting, but remember: your feelings belong to you and are always valid.

Finding Their Voice: Hope’s Door Survivor Advocacy Group

November 9, 2022 by Jean Sheff

Holidays can be stressful for everyone, especially for those in domestic violence circumstances. Experts contend that the pressure of the celebrations can inflame emotions and behavior. Other stressors can also contribute to domestic abuse. The National Commission on COVID-19 and Criminal Justice reported an 8.1% increase in U.S. domestic violence incidents following the pandemic stay-at-home orders in 2020.

Maya Lloyd, MPH, director of Outreach and Development for Hope’s Door, has witnessed this phenomenon. To help, she has formed the Hope’s Door Survivor Advocacy Group. “The purpose of the group is to include former and active Hope’s Door clients in policy advocacy and give them the opportunity to use their voices and talents to support other survivors, educate the public, and amplify their stories,” says Maya.

Survivor Advocacy Group members volunteer to take part in speaking engagements, media interviews, agency outreach, fundraising events, and to provide support to others as they navigate the court system. “It’s empowering for members to speak their truth and help others,” says Maya, “It helps them find their voice, take their power back, and break the cycle of abuse.”

A Voice Found

Melisa Dean* learned about domestic and relationship violence in high school health class. What she learned was merely a chapter from what turned out to be a very complicated book. “We were taught that it can happen in any home,” says Melisa. “We learned some red flags, but you never think it will happen to you.”

That’s one reason Melisa joined Hope’s Door Survivor Advocacy Group. “When I was presented with the opportunity, I knew it was important to share my story,” she says. “It was very hard to open up, yet I knew if I didn’t do it now, I might not have the guts to do it in the future.”

Sharing her story has allowed her to spread the word on the seriousness of domestic violence. “I know sharing my story is 100% helpful to others,” she says. “It’s so common to be in denial. On average, it takes seven attempts for a victim to leave their abuser. If my story can help someone, that’s all for the better.”

Melissa knows because she was that person. At just 19, she found herself wooed into a relationship with a man 10 years older. She was one of the lucky ones who reached out for help and escaped with the assistance from a local police detective who sent police escorts to help her leave the home. “That was the most emotionally and physically draining day of my life,” she says.

The transition was rough. At first, Melisa says she was in denial about needing additional help. But once she reached out, she was glad she did. “Hope’s Door helped me build a new life,” she says. They helped her with the legal and court processes, and she saw a counsellor there for almost a year. She says Hope’s Door also helped her answer the big questions that she was left with in the wake of her experience–where does she stand in the world? Can a relationship ever be safe?

The End of Silence

Lilliana Estes* also knows that building a new life is a challenge. The manipulation she suffered in an abusive relationship distorted her reality. “You think you are the only one to be in this situation, you feel ashamed, and that shame keeps you silent,” she says.

She was confused but trying to find her way out when, on one of her visits to the local police precinct, an officer asked Lilliana if she wanted him to pass her name on to an organization that could help. She said yes, never expecting to hear from anyone. “I got a call from Hope’s Door the very next day and that call changed my life,” she says.

The physical violence and mental abuse she suffered had worn her down, but through counselling at Hope’s Door, Lilliana began to understood trauma bonding. She became committed to her emotional growth and the personal responsibility she had to take for her life. “In my case, I came to understand it wasn’t just about choosing the wrong partner, it was deeper than that,” she says.

For her, joining Hope’s Door Survivor’s Advocacy Group is part healing and part helping. “I had become wired to be silent, but now I have a voice, and I am going to use it to help others.” Lilliana says.

* name changed to protect anonymity

A local nonprofit, Hope’s Door runs a 24-hour bilingual hotline, 888-438-8700. The agency’s confidential and free services help with safety planning, offers counseling, legal assistance, and emergency shelter to those in need. hopesdoorny.org

7 Ways You Can Help at the Holidays … and Beyond

1) Select Hope’s Door for your #GivingTuesday charity of choice on November 29, 2022.

2) Shop for Hope’s Door through AmazonSmile Charity Lists. This is a meaningful way for you to shop and donate items directly to Hope’s Door. In addition, AmazonSmile donates 0.5% of your eligible Charity List purchases to the organization at no cost to you.

Hope’s Door Donation List on Amazon.com features items such as bedding, clothing, shoes, household items, and toiletries that can help domestic violence victims start a new life. The process is simple. Just visit smile.amazon.com, select Hope’s Door and start shopping.

3) Donate from the Hope’s Door Wish List. Gift cards to local supermarkets, drugstores and department stores are always welcome. See hopesdoorny.com for more information.

4) Attend the Gala Fundraiser events held each fall and spring or organize your own event to support Hope’s Door.

5) Volunteer to join the Friends Committee and help plan and organize Hope’s Door major fundraisers.

6) Invite the Love Shouldn’t Hurt Workshop to your school or organization. This interactive Hope’s Door workshop is designed for middle schools, high schools, colleges, and community-based sites to educate students and residents.

7) Volunteer your talent. Volunteers are needed to help with childcare, translation services, and administrative duties. If you have a skill–sewing, resume writing, self-defense training–offer to share it.

Hope’s Door Partners with ‘Stop COVID-19’ Special Operations Group D

June 16, 2020 by Inside Press

Effort Helps the Northern Westchester Domestic Violence High Risk Reduction Team

On Friday, May 29, Kevin Hansan, Pound Ridge Supervisor, Nicole Engel, Pound Ridge Director of Operations and Emergency Management, and Pound Ridge Police Chief David Ryan received and opened two pallets containing 500 protective face shields that were donated by Amcor, an international manufacturer of packaging solutions. Amcor, in an effort to support essential workers during a time of crisis, has repurposed one of its manufacturing sites to produce face shields. These shields, donated by the Amcor Flexibles North America Healthcare team, will be now used by police officers and emergency service providers throughout northern Westchester to enhance their protection against COVID-19.

Officer Tom Traudt, Pound Ridge Police Department; Chief David Ryan, Pound Ridge Police Department; Barbara Turk, Director of Development, Hope’s Door; Nicole Engel, Director Operations and Emergency Management, Pound Ridge; Kevin Hansan, Supervisor, Pound Ridge; and Cecily Tyler, Stop COVID 19 Special Operations Group.

The donation happened rapidly and is a testimony to how collaboration can have a true impact in a time of crisis. In April, Cecily Tyler, a member of Stop COVID-19 Special Operations Group (the “SOG”), reached out to Barbara Turk, Director of Development and Community Relations of Hope’s Door, to see how the SOG might help. Aware of the paucity of personal protective equipment for police officers and emergency service workers responding to domestic violence calls, Turk confirmed the demand for face shields with Janmarie Brown, Director of Community Services at Hope’s Door and a member of the Northern Westchester High Risk Reduction Team. Brown suggested Turk call Robi Schlaff of the Westchester County Office for Women, and Chief David Ryan of the Pound Ridge Police Department, to identify the best way these face shields could help county workers. The SOG reached out to Amcor, which was moved by the mission of the Westchester Domestic Violence High Risk Team, and organized the donation. Working together, they effected the delivery.

According to Chief of Police Dave Ryan, the incidence of violence in the home is on the rise during this pandemic. The situation is dire, with victims and children trapped in their homes 24/7 with their abusers. Chief Ryan recognizes the difficulties that victims face in seeking help while under such tight controls. “What we’re trying to do is work with our partners in government, other service providers, other law enforcement agencies, as well as domestic violence victims and survivors, to find new ways that victims can reach us for help,” he says. “With these face shields, officers and emergency service providers who respond to domestic violence calls can now feel safer entering the premises with these face shields and their fabric masks. We are very grateful for the donation,” he added.

Lionel Charpentier, of Amcor, participating in the activity via Zoom from Chicago, said “You are doing great work, the thing we are doing here is helping you to do it more safely.”

“I am honored to be a part of this collaboration that is crossing state lines and service sectors and demonstrating both the altruistic spirit and determination to help as many communities as possible during this global pandemic,” said Tyler.

Hope’s Door is a domestic violence agency located in Hawthorne, NY, whose mission is to end domestic violence and empower its victims to achieve safety, independence and healing from the trauma of abuse. Hope’s Door has remained fully operational throughout the pandemic and the NYS PAUSE, with counselors and lawyers operating remotely and virtually. The Hope’s Door shelter operates 24/7/365, regardless of the pandemic or other external interruptions. Hope’s Door reopened their offices on Monday, June 8, 2020 after 12 weeks of working remotely.

The shields were made and shipped to Pound Ridge in Westchester County, NY by Amcor, a global leader in developing and producing responsible packaging for food, beverage, pharmaceutical, medical, home- and personal-care, and other products.

Stop COVID 19 Special Operations Group (the “SOG”) helped coordinate Amcor’s donation to the Westchester Domestic Violence High Risk Team. The SOG was started by a group of healthcare executives to accelerate the deployment of solutions and technologies against the COVID-19 pandemic and its consequences. Recent events have highlighted the tens of thousands of unseen front-line workers and volunteers that provide support to marginalized communities. Many of these heroes do not have the basic personal protective equipment. Stop COVID 19 Special Operations Group is focused on helping them complete their mission of improving the lives of others, critical in times like today. Supporters of Stop COVID-19 SOG leading this initiative include Lorraine Marchand, Julia Monfrini Peev, Angela Rossetti, Maria Siambekos, Cecily Tyler and Michael Williams.

This news is courtesy of Hope’s Door. Visit: https://hopesdoorny.org/

My Sisters’ Place: A Haven for Hope and Help

April 21, 2018 by Stacey Pfeffer

(L-R): Danielle DiNapoli, Karen Cheeks-Lomax and Gabriella Ibacache

A Not for Profit Providing Local Support to Victims of Domestic Violence & Human Trafficking

It’s a non-descript building in downtown White Plains steps from the Metro-North station but for people served by the non-profit My Sisters’ Place (MSP), it is a beacon of hope. It is a safe haven where victims of domestic violence (DV) and human trafficking can finally begin to change their lives.

Founded more than 40 years ago, MSP offers residential, support and legal services for victims of abuse and trafficking. The non-profit also offers educational and preventative programs for students in middle school and high school. In addition, MSP advocates for legislation protecting victims and provides training for healthcare professionals and law enforcement personnel. In short, MSP is a comprehensive agency that provides direct services, legislative advocacy, and prevention education to 15,000 people a year in Westchester County.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women in the US and up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.¹ Although 84% of the victims of abuse and human trafficking that MSP helped last year were female, they also provide services to a small percentage of men or transgender individuals. Last year MSP provided counseling to 130 children and emergency housing for more than 175 adults and children at two confidential full-service shelters located in Westchester.

Battling Misconceptions

There is a misconception that both domestic violence and human trafficking don’t happen in affluent communities but these problems cut across socioeconomic levels, notes Karen Cheeks-Lomax, the CEO of MSP. When they do happen in affluent communities, they are widely sensationalized in the media such as the brutal stabbing of Scarsdale pediatrician, Dr. Robin Goldman, by her husband Jules Reich, a well-respected tax attorney, and a human trafficking and sex slave ring discovered in Pound Ridge-based author Joseph Yannai’s basement.

Judy Dobles, a Chappaqua-based volunteer for the past six years with MSP, knows all too well that domestic violence doesn’t discriminate. As a volunteer in the ‘Sisters in Law’ program, she has accompanied MSP clients to court, solely for the purpose of supporting the victim as much as possible.

“Whether that’s talking or just sitting quietly by their side, if they don’t want to talk, shielding them from having to see their abuser before going in to the courtroom, and basically just trying to keep them as calm as possible before they have to go in before the judge,” explains Dobles. She recalls one of her first “accompaniments” with a very educated, successful client who had had a lucrative career and came from an affluent background. “It was difficult to connect that information with the broken person I saw before me.”

Still Dobles finds this type of volunteerism rewarding. “It’s rewarding when a client walks into a courtroom or magistrate’s room and can answer questions calmly and succinctly. It’s really rewarding when they exit the room with a smile because they feel like they are being heard and they’re not alone. Also, as a huggy/feely person myself, I would say that 99% of the time, my clients and I hug goodbye–and I feel truly honored to get those hugs.”

Expanding the Definition of Domestic Violence

“Domestic violence doesn’t fit in a box,” notes Cheeks-Lomax. Danielle DiNapoli, a community educator in MSP’s Domestic Violence Education and Prevention (DVEP) program which educates more than 5,000 middle and high school students a year. She explains that it is “not just physical abuse. It is an intentional pattern of behaviors where one person is gaining and maintaining control over another. It can be financial, mental, cyber or spiritual/cultural abuse.”

DiNapoli also teaches the students about warning signs in a relationship that may lead to abuse further down the road. Extreme possessiveness, jealousy, isolating the victim from family/friends or checking in at the person’s place of work or showing up at social outings to which they are not invited are all potential warning signs. It can also be verbal abuse such as putting a partner down or controlling what they eat or wear.

For high school students, DiNapoli states that 1 in 3 have been involved in an abusive relationship.² They may feel particularly afraid to discuss it with an adult because their parents, she points out, might not even know about the relationship or forbid dating. Gabriella Ibacache, a children’s counselor at MVP points out that the abuse may start off as very small or subtle and the abuser may manipulate their partner by apologizing or buying them gifts.

DiNapoli wants students to understand that the power and control that we see in society can trickle down into our relationships. “By the time I’m seeing them [the kids may be 11 or 12 years old], and this is the first time that they are talking about these issues, and that’s a real problem. We need to be teaching kids how they should be treated and treat one another at a much earlier age,” explained DiNapoli.

Safety Planning

When DiNapoli talks to high school students, MSP provides survivor stories and they discuss warning signs, what type of abuse the survivor endured and reasons why the survivor did not leave. “A lot of the kids ask, ‘why didn’t the victim just leave?’ People tend to shame and blame the victim for not leaving,” said DiNapoli. But on average, DiNapoli says it takes the victim seven attempts before she leaves permanently. And when the victim does decide to leave for good, it is the most dangerous time for that person. They could be seriously harmed or killed. “So much of what we do at MSP is “safety plan” –figuring out the safest way to leave, and that’s not the same for every person, and can change daily due to new salient factors,” explains Cheeks-Lomax.

Ibacache notes that the barriers to leaving can still be just as hard even when the victim is affluent. When children are in the mix, the danger increases significantly warns Ibacache.

Human Trafficking: It Does Happen Here

For more than a decade, MSP has been helping victims of human trafficking and last year helped 85 survivors of human trafficking. In New York State, there were 942 victims identified by social service providers and law enforcement in 2016. Of the victims, 82% were for sex trafficking purposes and 18% were for labor trafficking with 27% of the victims being minors. 43% are citizens from other countries and 57% are residents of New York from outside the five boroughs.³

Housing, Public Transportation & Immigration Status: A Trifecta of Issues for Many MSP Clients

Although MSP has 60 employees and is a $6 million agency (with $1.6 million from private donors), Cheeks-Lomax notes that they are working in a sector that is very challenging. There are challenges that are unique to Westchester County such as a lack of affordable or low-income housing and public transportation for clients.

Imagine if you need to push a baby carriage to get here, notes Cheeks-Lomax. “If you don’t have safe housing, you can’t do much,” laments Cheeks-Lomax. MSP recently won a conditional award to work with Westhab, the largest developer of affordable and low-income housing in the county, and hopes to partner with them to create 17 two-bedroom apartments for MSP clients in the near future.

“Immigration status is also a huge issue. In 2009, Westchester County was not reimbursing immigrant populations at MSP. We briefed the issue as to who should be served by these federal dollars. We took it all the way up to the governor. If people couldn’t come to us, we argued that they would end up at a hospital or a drug rehab. Every single county now in New York State provides services to immigrant victims of DV and human trafficking,” Cheeks-Lomax explains triumphantly.

Looking Ahead

Cheeks-Lomax is hopeful that the #metoo movement will highlight the power dynamic that is present in domestic violence cases and raise awareness about it. “There are the same fundamentals of fear and intimidation intersecting. For us, it proves a point. It is always about power and control and the abuser does it because he/she can.” She is also looking forward to working with County Executive George Latimer, and believes MSP will make some good headway with his administration.

1. Source: dvrc-or.org
2. Source: loverespect.org
3. Source: NYS Office of Temporary and Disability Assistance Refugee Services

6 Critical Life Messages to Help a Friend

If you believe a friend is in an abusive situation, these are the ‘messages’ that the staff at My Sisters’ Place say she or he needs to hear. “It is important not to “revictimize” the person who has been abused,” notes Cheeks-Lomax. All of these messages validate the person’s experience instead of shaming or blaming the victim.

I believe in you.
I trust you.
I know you can handle it.
You are listened to.
You are cared for.
You are very important to me.

Source: My Sisters’ Place Domestic Violence Education and Prevention Program

Supporting “My Sister’s Place” at ICD

May 5, 2016 by Inside Press

May 5, Chappaqua: For a special pre-Mother’s Day event, ICD Contemporary Jewelry hosted and showcased the jewelry of two fine designers, Tovi Farber & Kokku, and also earmarked a portion of the evening’s sales for a generous donation to My Sister’s Place.

Visitors stopping in could catch up with Chappaqua’s very own Helen Williams. Helen, along with Denise Williams, are both active members of the Hudson Valley Chapter of Links, an international women’s community service organization that supports My Sister’s Place, a confidential domestic violence shelter.

My Sister’s Place Director of Development Karly Savino added that she is always looking for ways to spread awareness about why the organization, which is over 40 years old, is so important.

“We support them for helping women who are vulnerable,” added Denise. “We are very interested in their Healthy Relationships program which is focused on young people dating; sometimes domestic violence starts with a young girl’s boyfriend. They go into schools and educate.”
— Grace Bennett

domestic violence