The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

Bipolar Disorder

A Journey Into Healing Trauma

by Janine Crowley Haynes & Steven Haynes

This magazine issue is dedicated to health and fitness. Along with a new year comes all sorts of resolutions to eat better, drink less alcohol, workout more, etc., but, in order to live a quality life, focusing on our mental health and emotional wellbeing can be transformational.

Back in 2005, I attempted suicide. After struggling with bipolar disorder for 10 years, I reached the lowest point in my life and wanted to end the endless suffering. With another episode on the horizon, I knew, once more, I’d find myself back in a psychiatric hospital. With a volatile chemical imbalance happening in my brain, I made the irrational, desperate decision to swallow a bunch of pills to end the misery. I convinced myself I’d be doing everyone a favor. In particular, I thought I’d be taking the burden off my 12 year-old son. Steven was 18 months when I was first hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It’s all he ever knew – a sick mom who went in and out of a psych ward. My suicide attempt was a decision I’ll regret for the rest of my life. After the attempt, I carried around crippling guilt. Basically, I wanted to kill myself for attempting to kill myself.

The fallout that ensued resulted in trauma. After coming home from his basketball game, my 12 year-old son was the one to discover me sprawled out, unconscious on the living room floor. It took many years for him to recover from this horrific event. His trust in me was shattered. To this day, Steven bears the indelible scar from that night – we all do. And, every day of my existence, I must own up to the fact that my actions affected my entire family and close friends.

Suicide, whether successful or unsuccessful, is a heart-wrenching experience. As a family, our road to recovery was long and challenging and remnants of my actions linger. Yet, out of the trauma, some life lessons emerged. A year after my suicide attempt, I ended up writing a memoir, My Kind of Crazy: Living in a Bipolar World. At 13, my son contributed two chapters. I got to read about what he experienced that night. In turn, I was able to share with him my account. This collaborative writing process became therapeutic for us, and it started a journey into communication, understanding, compassion, and healing. Most of all, I’ve been blessed to receive my son’s forgiveness.

Over time, we made our way to a place where Steven understood that my suicide attempt had nothing to do with him. Now that he’s an adult, he’s able to see me, not just as his mom, but as a person with human imperfections. We are incredibly proud parents of the man Steven has become. He is kind and funny and smart. He is wise beyond his years. His mind fascinates me. He is one of the most interesting people I know, and I say that not just because he’s my son. I truly mean it. I always look forward to our next talk and enjoy looking at life from his perspective.

Last August, Steven (now 31) got married to Joana. It was a magical celebration in a palacio in Portugal. I am overwhelmed with gratefulness that I survived my suicide attempt and was able to be present and share in that day. We are full of love and happiness for them both.

I asked Steven if he would contribute to this essay and share some of his life lessons and observations on his journey into healing trauma. He, unhesitatingly, said yes. Steven’s precious words follow here…

“The act of ‘healing’ is supposedly the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again. The brain does not have a one-size-fits-all fix for coping with trauma. In my experience, one of the biggest challenges in this journey has been the idea that healing requires the return to some state of normalcy and the inability to move forward means that something is still broken. Thankfully, my mom’s battle with bipolar disorder has stabilized, and our relationship has moved beyond the trauma.

The passing of time can help put trauma at a distance but only to a certain extent. For me, seeking professional help and learning coping skills has been extremely helpful in my journey. Healing has neither followed a straight line nor does it need to have a definitive end. I take a few steps forward. Then life finds ways to challenge me, and, at times, the trauma resurfaces.

This March will mark 20 years since my mom’s suicide attempt, and I will forever carry the trauma from that night. But that’s not such a bad thing. Rather, it affords me the chance to push past it, become a bit stronger, and keep moving forward once again.”

Next to Normal: A True Family Affair, and Then Some!

by

By Kathryn Kitt

Kathryn Kitt

There have been a number of productions of “Next to Normal” since its Tony Award/Pulitzer prize winning moment in 2009 that have been wondrous.  The Armonk Players version is no exception, except, for me, the experience has come full circle.  I am Tom Kitt’s Sister, who is the composer and creator of “Next to Normal’ and have experienced the workshop process at the BMI Music Festival back in 1996 with the original title “Feeling Electric – Up the Dose.” It was the brainstorm of Tom and his college friend/lyricist Brian Yorkey who had the assignment to present a 10 minute musical idea to their BMI musical theatre class. 

The cast of Next to Normal in rehearsal. Photo by is Lauren Oliviero

Thomas, as I called him, and I were both living in New York City at the time and it was quite a special time for us while we were trying to work in the music business.  I trained as an Opera singer, so I went to auditions and sang in performances around the city.  Tom, in addition to being at BMI, played at a piano bar on the East Side where my extended family would gather on weekends – complete with me singing Puccini and Andrea Boccelli.  Lin-Manuel Miranda and Jenn Colella (“Come from Away”) would show up and soon it would become open mic in the Murray Hill section of Manhattan.

While Tom worked on the musical, he recruited me to sing some of the songs from “Next to Normal” in his class.  I was skeptical – who writes this type of musical, about mental health and depression?  I know “Rent” was a big hit, but it dealt with younger people who could wear tight clothes and do high kicks in platform shoes.  “Next to Normal” dealt with family and the dynamics that go along with it.  Needless to say, I eventually was proven wrong, for the show was picked up by David Stone – producer of “Wicked” after he saw a workshop of it in the New York Music Festival. 

The show culminated in Tom and Brian winning the Tony for Best score, beating out Elton John and Dolly Parton, Tom winning for best Orchestrations and then the Pulitzer.  This has resulted in quite a whirlwind for our family.  Tom has gone on to have quite a robust musical career in composing and orchestrating and is up for a Tony for orchestrations for the “Spongebob Musical on Broadway.”

When Christine DiTota and Pia Haas mentioned how they wanted to bring “Next to Normal” to the Tom’s hometown, I was completely on board!  I know that a show like this would bring the community together, be it teachers at Byram Hills (Adam Welsh, John Anthony Lopez), local performers (Christine Gavin, Anthony Malchar, Jess Bulzzaccheli, Jesse Herman), plus Phyllis Padow –Sederbaum and Vivien Bonnist Cord on props!  Everyone was so excited to bring this experience to Whipporwill and I could not be more proud!  Christine DiTota has kept the heart and staging of the story intact while Adam Welsh’s lighting captures the excitement of the Booth Theatre in NYC.

Of course, I had to get someone in the family involved and thanks to the brilliant musical director Ricky Romano, he took a chance and recruited my son Andrew Aldous (Byram Hills Junior) to play guitar in the band.  This has truly been the most exciting experience of all, and I am convinced that Andrew is channeling my brother up there.  

“Next to Normal” is surely a family affair, but this production goes beyond our little town.  It is a story about everyone’s family and how we all try to navigate challenges whether it be mental illness, teenage angst and loss.  I encourage anyone who feels deeply to see this show and prepare to be brought to a transformative place.  I thank the Armonk Players for their commitment and thoughtful production and I know we will never forget this moment!

Next to Normal, sponsored by the Friends of the North Castle Public Library, is playing at Whippoorwill Hall, 19 Whipporwill Road E., Armonk, NY 10504   Remaining Performance dates below.