The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

Book Excerpts

From: “Peace in Relationships: Attachment-Detachment”

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Suna Senman
Suna Senman

By Suna Senman

“In order to explain the balance of “you-me-us” concepts, we need to be mindful of schemas. Schemas are the emotional and experiential attachments we have to words or objects. For example, “attachment” may stimulate feeling of sticky confinement or it may generate an image of an adoring, cherishing mother-infant bond. Those two schemas are very different. So when a person with one schema talks about attachment with a person with the other schema, misunderstanding and conflict occurs. Therefore, it is important to listen beyond words-to listen to the heart. Both schemas exist and are acceptable, but hearing the intention of the conveyor of a message- listening to the heart-is where understanding is created. Hearing the heart of a person provides a mindfulness of reality.  A good therapist listens to the heart beneath the words.

People often say one thing but mean another, as if they are leaving clues or simultaneously want to be heard and not heard. What do people really want? We all want to express truth, love, and beauty so that it is received and reflected back to us. Sometimes people want to express lies, hurt, and ugliness, because that’s what they have seen. They both want and don’t want to see that reflected back. The experience of lies, hurt, and ugliness is unpleasant. And yet, a person wants to be seen. If a person has allowed lies, hurt, and ugliness to penetrate their being, these factors becomes part of their being that they need to express. He or she will continue to express everything that is in them-a mix of lies, hurt, and ugliness along with the truth, love, and beauty of his or her original, natural state.

These contradictory qualities coexist until the person cleans house and lets go of the garbage. Because we always express what is inside of us, it is also the mix that will be reflected back. We see what is inside. Therefore, when a person sees jealousy, greed, gluttony, or any of the “sins” in others, the wise person will recognize that there are at least crumbs of those things inside him–or herself.

Attachment and detachment are key concepts to understand in order to navigate the complicated “mix.” If you can clean house often (even several times a day), you practice healthy attachment and detachment. If you are mindful of the things that approach you through the day and are discerning of their core (love or ugliness), then you can let go of the unwanted ugliness quickly so that you can practice filling yourself with truth, love and beauty.

Some people love playing in ugly messes. When I have tried to engage people in expressions of truth, love, and beauty, they are often eager to engage, yet, unwilling to let go of ugliness. Some people get attached to the concept of “ownership.” At one time, a friend felt that she owned me and tried to prevent me from expressing a part of myself that evoked a feeling of dishonesty in her. She had talked herself into believing that her lifestyle was beautiful, but my expression of truth triggered a realization that she contained ugliness. Her reaction was to discredit me and push me away instead of doing some “housecleaning” or making her own necessary changes. She was afraid of change.

In her ownership attitude toward me as her friend, she insisted that I don’t speak about some of my ideas. What she tried to own slipped away. I detached from her instead of detaching from a part of a truth of my being.”

Suna Senman LMSW, CSW, CTIM, CED is a life transformation facilitator who specializes in wellness counseling, childhood development, peace education, and diversity training. She blogs on topic for The Huffington Post; she has published articles on topic in periodicals such as Metro; and she is the author of Being: A Process. Through her work, Suna helps people expand their sense of self, release their illusion of separation, develop nurturing partnerships, and consciously design a harmonious life path. Her writing has included interviews with  supermodel Tyra Banks, celebrity violinist Miri Ben Ari, and relationship expert Paul Brunson.

There Comes a Time When we Must Choose. That is Yoga.

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DSC_0084By Michelle Berman Marchildon

“As humans, we are given the gift of choice.

It is a powerful gift.

People often ask me how long I’ve been practicing yoga, and the truth is I became a yogi when I was 10 years old. It was a turtle that led the way.

Of course, I didn’t yet know it. Becoming a yogi back then was about the furthest thing from my mind. I was pretty occupied with boys and Barbie and Bobby Sherman. My world had seemed important then, but soon I would have to choose if I would stand up for another being that had no voice at all.

Choosing between the easy thing, and the right thing, is yoga.

My father had taken us on vacation to the British Virgin Islands. It was a confusing time in our lives, so if you are confused then by all means take along a pre-adolescent. At dinner, the waiter mentioned the resort’s famous turtle soup.

“What makes the soup so good?” my Dad asked.

“We use our own turtles,” the waiter replied.

We sat speechless. There are turtles in turtle soup?  I thought it was like chocolate “turtles” are caramel and welsh rarebit is just cheese, no rabbit.

After dinner we walked down the beach to a stone wall. I started tip toeing along the top when I saw something splash.  Then I saw a flipper, and when I bent down closer, I saw a face.

“Dad,” I screeched.  “There are turtles in here!” We stared in silence.

Until that night my world had been all about me, but looking into the turtle’s face made me realize I was not walking alone in this life. I had a responsibility to make the world better.

For the next few nights we worked quickly and precisely. One by one we freed the turtles. On the last night, there was a sign that said anyone caught poaching would be imprisoned.  Ending the vacation in jail was not the bonding experience Dad had in mind.

By now, only the largest turtles remained, particularly one giant turtle.  He looked extremely sad to me, as if he knew he was just too big to get over the wall. I started to cry.

“All right,” Dad said.  “We will try to set him free.”

A choice is not often obvious. There may not be anyone else on your side. But you know you have done the right thing when you cannot live with yourself having done anything else.  That night, we chose the turtles over the law.

Together we coaxed the largest turtle to the sandy edge of the pen, and then we somehow managed to boost him up and over. The turtle tumbled into the water and then he turned and gazed at us. I thought he might have said thank you for not giving up.

As humans, we are given the gift of choice.  It is a powerful gift. We choose what to believe.  We choose who we love.  We choose when to fight, and when to lay down our sword.  We choose our path.

Yoga is only a little bit about the postures. The postures reveal who we are when things get difficult. Yoga is about being who we were meant to be.

Neither I nor my Dad had heard of yoga in 1970.  But that night we became yogis. If yoga is about leaving the world a better place, then in that moment there was no question but that we had to save the turtles.”

Michelle Berman Marchildon is The Yogi Muse. This is an excerpt from her book, Finding More on the Mat: How I Grew Better, Wiser and Stronger through Yoga (Wildhorse Ventures 2013). Her father is the veterinarian Dr. Lewis Berman, who if given a choice, would still free a turtle today.

The Lost Tribe of the Andes: A Jewish-American Family’s Struggle with Assimilation.

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The Lost Tribe of the Andes: A Jewish-American Family’s Struggle with Assimilation.
By Jane Genende

“Little did we know that moving from our cramped apartment into a house would become a watershed event, in our lives. We moved from our small apartment to a three-bedroom house in the Bronx with a backyard and a basement in the summer of 1960.

I was six years old when Dad and I drove up to the Bronx and saw the house for the first time. I remember how big the house seemed after coming from an apartment. We moved in, and our lives moved forward. My parents had achieved the American dream of owning their own home. We had a backyard and a basement, and I had my own room. Everyone seemed excited about our step up in the world and all the possibilities for the future. However, I don’t think we were prepared for the downside of home ownership. After the initial euphoria wore off, I began to notice a strain in my parents’ relationship that I had not seen prior to our move. Their private conversations began to take on an edge of bickering about things like the bills, house painting, fixing broken faucets, car repairs, buying a lawnmower, private school tuition, and more.

The achievement of the American dream of owning a home, with all its ups and downs, coinciding with the advent of the tumultuous decade of the 1960s, proved to be a kind of perfect storm for our family. As the decade unfolded, bringing its changes into our lives, it intensified our family quarrels. As we all began to grow up and have our own opinions about the changes taking place, I often felt a longing for the past, when life seemed less complicated…”

“The Lost Tribe of the Andes” traces three generations of a Jewish family, from the 1800s in Eastern Europe to America in the present. In the aftermath of the death of her father, author Jane Genende began her search for meaning in her family’s genealogical story. In the course of her research, Jane uncovered a wealth of personalities as she travelled throughout Europe. In this memoir and family history, Jane explores the challenges her family faced in the course of emigrating from Europe to America before World War II and assimilating into American culture; she also recalls the conflicted process of separation and individuation from a traditional Jewish family that she and her three siblings experienced during the 1960s. “The Lost Tribe of the Andes: A Jewish-American family’s Struggle with Assimilation,” can be ordered on amazon.com, 
iUniverse.com, or barnesandnoble.com.

Jane Genende is a State Licensed Psychotherapist, LCSW-R in private practice in New York City, since 1974. She lives in Chappaqua with her husband. Her two grown children live and work in New York City.

 

First Thing Every Morning

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First Thing Every Morning

By Lewis Timberlake and Elinor Griffith 
“There are six terrific truths about time:

First: Nobody can manage time. But you can manage those things that take up your time.

Second: Time is expensive. As a matter of fact, 80% of our day is spent on those things or those people that only bring us 2% of our results.

Third: Time is perishable. It cannot be saved for later use.

Fourth: Time is measurable. Everybody has the same amount of time … pauper or king. It is not how much time you have; it is how much you use.

Fifth: Time is irreplaceable. We never make back time once it is gone.

Sixth: Time is a priority. You have enough time for anything in the world, so long as it ranks high enough among your priorities.

Just think about the familiar complaint, “If I just had more time.” This is exceedingly self-deceptive! Kings have no more time, beggars no less! God gives to every man 24 golden hours per day. That’s 86,400 precious seconds ticking inexorably away. Here is the point: If you don’t manage time, time will manage you.”

A chance encounter put Elinor Griffith back in touch with Lewis Timberlake, a Texas motivational speaker whom she had worked with at Reader’s Digest. “Could you help me develop a book I’m writing?” he asked. Together, they produced an inspirational book with short reflections and quotes on happiness, humor, courage, a fresh start, etc. Last spring, Simple Truths, an online-publisher with 1.5 million potential buyers, printed First Thing Every Morning, which is now already in its third printing. Elinor, a writer and editor living in Chappaqua, has three passions: travel, cooking and France.

When not cranking out books (her last one was The Old Dutch Church of Sleepy Hollow), she offers niche gourmet cooking trips to Julia Child’s former home in the South of France, as well as to Paris and Italy’s Amalfi Coast. To learn more, visit www.ElinorGriffith.com. To buy a copy, go to www.SimpleTruths.com and search for “First Thing Every Morning.”