The Inside Press

Magazines serving the communities of Northern Westchester

Inside Press

After a Divorce, Who Gets Custody of the Friends?

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By Mimi Long*

When I first went through my divorce, the sense of liberation was overwhelming! Other than childcare limitations, I was free to go anywhere with whomever I wanted. I was fortunate that one of my closest girlfriends was in the same place in life. But what about my other married girlfriends? What did we have in common socially now that our lives had diverged? Would I be excluded from dinner parties? Would they socialize with me without their husbands for a night on the town or would our interactions be limited to the occasional brunch or movie?

Because I had been the one to end my marriage, some of my friends’ husbands perceived me as someone who might potentially show their wives how great the “single life” is, so they discouraged contact. Some of my friends were eager to hit the town with me while others shook their heads saying, “I can’t even imagine being ‘out there’ again!”

When a couple’s social life is highly connected to other couples, the question arises of who gets custody of the friends after divorce. Laura Lee Carter, author of How to Believe in Love Again, writes, “When I got my divorce, which was a completely friendly transaction, no lawyers, all healthy, adult agreements, I lost a number of “friends” and I definitely felt judged by others.” The decision to remain friends with the husband or wife often depends upon a couples’ own relationship. If it is not solid, then being around divorced people can make them feel that their own marriage is more vulnerable.

Bestselling author and columnist, Julia Spira (CyberDatingExpert.com), notes that some divorced women find that their married friends often provide emotional support but may still exclude them from social events that are attended mainly by couples. Sometimes, women feel threatened that their newly single friend may have her eyes on their man. In such a case, they are more comfortable socializing one-on-one.

Therapist Jaymes Ian Woode, author of 101 Behaviors a Guy Needs to Understand about His Woman!, has worked with many divorced couples trying to maintain their friends. He has observed that if the divorced woman is spending too much time talking negatively about their ex or men in general, this may cause invitations to evaporate. Husbands can be mistrustful of their wives socializing with a single friend. He writes, “A good marriage does not warrant mistrust when one hangs out with a single friend. However, the opposite is true. A bad marriage will certainly cause husbands to be fearful of their wives going out with newly divorced friends who typically want to attract attention from men.”

There is no one answer on how to nurture such friendships. Much depends on the initial strength of the friendship. Mary Pender Greene, a relationship expert in New York City, advises the following: “All of us have an “A” list and a “B” list of friends depending on our compatibility with them and their availability. Ask yourself which ones have/will come through for you when the chips are down.”

Understand that not all your friends will be able to satisfy all your needs. Accept them for who they are and embrace what they have to offer. You will have a wider source for friendship without disappointment. Be happy for the differences among them by learning to utilize and enjoy those differences.

Mimi Long* is the pseudonym for a freelance writer and teacher in Westchester. She has two daughters and enjoys traveling the world and meeting new people.

My Life as a Digilante

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By Rick Reynolds

I’m quite sure my computer wants to kill me.

My work laptop has one of those security devices that reads your finger print before loading your files. Every single workday for the past three years, I’ve carefully swiped my forefinger across the little window and the damn fingerprint reader summarily dismisses that I am who I purport to be. It’ll play with me a while, saying I swiped too fast, too slow, too soft, or too skewed—before it outright accuses me of identity theft. After 10 tries, it will flash “Security Breech!” Once it decides you’re a security risk, no amount of finger pointing will succeed for 45 seconds, presumably to give it time to calm down. It does everything but point out that I’ve dribbled coffee down my shirt (it knows my wife does that).

So, after arriving at work at about 8 a.m., I must endure the indignity of swiping my index finger at every imaginable angle, at pressures ranging from 1 to 26O psi, and after all fails, presenting it with my middle finger in order to heat up the “dialogue.” Indeed, I am forced to pass my “digitus secundus” over the glass so many times, I’ve rubbed the fingerprint right off my fingertip. Thus, stripping me of my identity, it continues having its way with me.

I’ve even resorted to licking my finger in the hopes of making better contact, but a question mark/exclamation point prompt comes up questioning (I’m guessing), if I’m some kind of pervert. I’ve even tried to fool it by Xeroxing my other pointer finger, then flopping it and passing it over the glass—to no avail.

If I haven’t gotten into my computer by 9:30, I must suffer the humiliation of asking the IT guy to come down, for the hundredth time, to hold my finger to the reader, when, of course, it suddenly works. I’ve begged him to change the sensitivity of the security settings, but he tells me it wouldn’t work: the machine, flat out, doesn’t like me (literally and figuratively).

I have similar problems while driving with my Tom Tom GPS navigator. Madam Tom Tom, as I refer to the device’s voice, is always sending me down dubious routes, and when I opt to ignore her, an edginess to her voice becomes more and more apparent. A slightly annoyed, “Turn around at the next road,” I’ll hear repeatedly until she finally gives up and reroutes me around my “mistake.”

On a few occasions, when I’ve found myself on a cow path—two dirt tire tracks with grass in between—I’ve had words with Madam Tom Tom. I’m not proud of some of the things I’ve said to her—especially when, after making 15 lefts and rights on trails traveled only by goat herders, I emerge out onto a paved road directly across from the restaurant I’d been looking for. Then, once again, I must apologize profusely to Madame Tom Tom for my lack of faith and patronizing, misogynist treatment.

Despite my wife’s many strengths, map reading isn’t one of them, so she credits Madam Tom Tom with saving our marriage. As far as my computer woes, my spouse calls me a digital vigilante, or “digilante,” who seeks trigger-finger vengeance while operating outside the laws of binary logic.

I don’t know why I can’t get along better with my machines. Moreover, I don’t know why they should wish me harm. Sometimes I think it’s because I’ve purchased them discount at Amazon—or maybe it’s the free, 3rd class shipping that’s upsetting them. One thing is for sure: both my machines and I feel undervalued.

Chappaqua alumnus and 35-year resident of Chappaqua, humorist Rick Reynolds resides in southern New Hampshire with his wife, daughter,
and two dogs.

Prestigious Social Justice Award to Temple Beth El

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Early in May, Temple Beth El of Northern Westchester will be receiving the “Irving J. Fain Award” for Outstanding Synagogue Social Action Programming. It is one of the highest honors available to congregations within the Reform Jewish Movement. Temple Beth El receives this award for its “Multi-Generational Jewish-Muslim Dialogue” initiative. Partnering with the local Muslim Society , the Synagogue held interfaith dialogue programs to discuss differences and similarities between the two faiths. “Social justice is an essential component to our movement,” said Dr. Cheryl Gutmann, chair of the Commission on Social Action of Reform Judaism. For more info, go to www.rac.org.

The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Moth

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By Rick Reynolds

No, the title is not a typo. This is NOT about the best selling book, The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, by Amy Chua, which has sent shock waves through a generation of permissive parenting. Having been both a permissive student and a semi-strict parent in Chappaqua, I can tell you that the Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother (and father) has played out for generations in the hyper-competitive, education-on-steroids world of Chappaqua academia. But this isn’t about that.

This isn’t about chaining one’s child to a piano till she can play Bach in her sleep. No, this isn’t about parents insisting their third graders get all A’s and no B’s, so they can go to Harvard, or Princeton, or Yale or West Point—and not those lesser colleges and universities. Nor is it about joining the debate club, or banning sleepovers, television, and free time–all of which is advisable, but unrealistic in the extreme. No, in a world where children have instant worldwide communication through the Internet, the notion that they can be controlled by anything other than solitary confinement deep in a mineshaft is absurd. As they say here in New Hampshire, “Thems days is over.”

So, relax parents. The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Moth is about the 1930’s and 40’s RAF biplane, and its look-alike, nest-spinning, tree-destroying, bi-colored moth for which the early aircraft was named. The plane was used as a flight trainer in the run up to World War II. During the war, it was deployed as a light bomber for even lighter targets, and with a specially fitted, scythe-like blade, it served as a parachute line cutter, freeing descending enemy paratroopers from their chutes. But most interesting was the Tiger Moth’s use as a tug for pulling dummy targets to shoot ordnance at. The tow plane, known as the “Queen Bee,” was one of the first remotely piloted aircraft, developed after tug pilots with short tow ropes refused to take flak from friendly forces.

The Queen Bee spawned the word “drone,” the robotic craft which makes up our modern fleet of pilot-less aircraft used for surveillance and pinpoint precision bombing. Instead of sending young troops into harm’s way, wars will more-and-more be fought over foreign soil by drones operated by “A” students in New Jersey and Utah. (Their commanders will be “A” students from Chappaqua–at least those few who don’t become doctors, stockbrokers, or their lawyers.) In either case, survival of the fittest may depend on the survival of the Tiger Mother and her hyper-educated cubs–not that this is about that.

The Tiger Moth plane was also used in battle against–you guessed it–the Tiger Moth bug. Outfitted with pesticide tanks, the Tiger Moth dusted crops and the trees housing the leaf-killing silken nests of Tiger Moths. The moth, having the advantage of numbers, luckily survived long enough to see the emergence of the organic movement. Having seen human folly come and go, the Tiger Moth now lives happily on the web, enjoying its bug life as a happy herbivore eating locally produced food.

So where am I going with this? you ask. Hell if I know. I do know that, the more things change, the more they stay the same. With today’s brutal economic environment, humans and bugs alike need all the ammunition they can get. It’s not just about getting A’s, though, but what we get A’s in. In the end, nature wins–with or without us. There’s only one war that must be won, and that’s the Battle Hymn of the Tiger Moth.

Ten Reasons to Own a Pet

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By Maggie Mae…with Ronni Diamondstein

Three years ago I became someone’s pet, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I love having human beings in my life. I am cared for beyond my wildest dreams–food, shelter and lots of affection. I know having an owner is great and I wondered, “is owning a pet as great for people.” I asked around Chappaqua and beyond, and here are ten reasons why owning a pet, any pet, can be a great thing!

10. Pets are good company. My friend Wilson, a Shi Tzu, says his owner Janet talks to him all the time. A dog or cat has been known to fill an empty nest when kids go off to college.

9. Pets help you get exercise. No matter what the weather, my owner has to get out of the house to walk me. My neighbors, Abby and Sam, two Shi Tzus, go hiking with their owner Stephanie, making her take more breaks from grading papers than she would without them!

8. Pets are good for your health. Studies have shown that having a pet in your life can lower blood pressure. From the purring of a cat to watching fish in a fish tank, the effect of animals is very calming.

7. Pets are perennial playmates. My cat cousins Bella and Mittens, two Abyssinians, are permanent play dates for their only–child owner Sophia. For teens, stingy with hugs for their parents, the pet is the perfect object of affection for cuddling.

6. A pet can teach responsibility. Not only dogs and cats, but rabbits, gerbils, birds and fish can give young children a sense of accomplishment by feeding, walking, or cleaning out a cage or litter box. Many teenagers feel that taking care of their family pets is good preparation for parenthood in the future.

5. You can do a good deed and save a life if you rescue a cat or dog from a shelter.

4. A pet is a great way to meet people. My owner, for one, has met more people in town thanks to walking me. People are friendlier if I am with her.

3. Pets are entertaining. Hermione, an American short hair cat dazzles her family by diving into empty bags and chasing her catnip. Rocky, a Black Lab, makes his owner Ethan, laugh. When Ethan calls, “Clean up,” Rocky comes running to lick up spills and crumbs. He is no dirty dog!

2. Pets can take care of your
family.
My friend Bailey, a Pomeranian, patrols his yard and house always on the lookout for wrong doing. He is very protective and takes his job seriously, policing the children in the family by barking if they are horsing around. Rocky also serves as a watch dog and barks viciously and growls when he hears someone at the door. Of course, when the door is open, he greets a friend or stranger with kisses and a wagging tail.

1. And hands down, the best reason of all, especially for dogs like me, is pure and simple: love, unconditionally!

Contact Maggie Mae Pup Reporter at maggiemae10514@gmail.com

Maggie Mae lives in Chappaqua with her adoring owner Ronni Diamondstein, who, when she isn’t walking Maggie is a freelance writer, PR consultant, award-winning photographer and a School Library Media Specialist and teacher who has worked in the US and abroad.