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The Inside Press

Time To Talk: 
Broaching the Difficult Topic of Depression
 and Suicide in Teens and Young Adults

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counseling-for-teens6By Janine Crowley Haynes

“We hope that by heightening awareness about mental health challenges, we can make a difference in the lives of persons whose painful struggle can feel so bleak at times and to provide opportunities to seek valuable help and resources. 

Miles’ enduring love for his family and friends, gentle ways, and deep sensitivity he had for others will always remain within all of us. We are thankful to have clips of Miles playing his guitars, photos of him running at many of his track meets swift as a deer, countless family occasions and his poetry writings–a powerful means for us to connect to him, cherish the memories and to reflect on.

As the mother of Miles, my dream is for anyone who struggles with depression to not be afraid of reaching out to ask for help, and for the professionals to have better means of assessing depression from its earliest onset. My message is that there is always hope to see the light beyond the darkness–when one can muster the courage no matter how painful it may feel–and know that with a new day there is always a new beginning.   

Miles would have wanted us to spread the love so please let your readers know to hug someone they care about everyday!” Shari, Ed, Max and Hannah

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Along with so many in our Westchester community, my heart broke when I heard the news of Miles Applebaum’s untimely death.* Young people taking their own lives is happening all too often in our communities. The American Psychological Association (APA) notes that suicide is the third leading cause of death in teens and young people, ages 15-24, and that it’s increasing at an alarming rate. In addition, for every completed suicide, there are approximately 100-200 attempts.

The topic of mental illness and suicide, especially amongst our kids, is a complicated, emotionally charged topic not easily open for public discussion. For me, it unearths the pain and guilt of my own suicide attempt. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 31, but looking back, I presented symptoms as a teen that flew under the radar. I am one in four (approximately 61.5 million) adult Americans struggling with a mental illness in a given year.

We all know the protocol when one is diagnosed with a mental illness. Early intervention is key. We do our research, seek professional help, and decide on the best form of treatment. But when our child is assigned a diagnosis, how do we know if they’re at risk for suicide? Not all children fit the clinical mold. According to Dr. Madeline Levine, author of The Price of Privilege and a featured speaker of both Chappaqua and Armonk PTAs last year, many of her adolescent patients “have a notable ability to put up a good front.”

“There are many components that go into whether a teen is at risk for suicide,” says William M. Dince, P.h.D., a psychologist and Chappaqua resident specializing in neuropsychologically-based assessment and treatment. “Parents can begin by looking at the APA list of warning signs. It is then essential to go for a consultation to assess the degree of risk. We can observe behaviors, body language, what a child talks about, etc. We talk with parents, get a sense of their family structure, their social environment…It is essential to measure the degree of impulsivity that is present, as many suicides are the result of an impulsive act during a moment of despair,” Dr. Dince adds. Impulsivity is the diminished ability to think through the consequences of one’s actions, and youth is a time of impulsivity.

Then comes the tough decision: Treatment. Choosing from all the different forms of therapy can be daunting, and, if a medication is prescribed, the list of serious side effects must be considered. Also, one medication may work wonders for one individual but adversely affect another. Sometimes additional medications are added. Some medications can work well for a while then be rendered ineffective. It can take months for a person to feel the full, positive effects. Recovery can be a painstakingly long road.

I turned to my psychiatrist, Dr. Anri Kissilenko, of Silver Hill Hospital, for his perspective. “There are times when it’s necessary to put a teen or young adult on medication, but it’s important to note this is a critical time period when a patient needs to be closely monitored,” says Dr. Kissilenko. “If a patient is being treated, let’s say, for depression, there’s a phase when the medication starts lifting symptoms and a patient begins to experience an increase in energy level. However, their total sense of wellbeing has not caught up. Stabilization has not yet been fully achieved. They may still be experiencing negative and suicidal thoughts. It’s during this critical time when a patient’s motivation [or impulsivity] to attempt suicide is high.”

In addition, there are the countless societal aspects to be considered. In our culture, our children graduate high school, go to college, then head off to work or graduate school by the young age of 22. We consider them ready to take on the challenges that go along with being an adult. Yet, from ages 18-24, the part of the brain that helps develop a sense of self/identity, continues to develop.

So what’s one cultural difference for this generation? What’s changed in our communities that make our children susceptible? “Welcome to Stresschester,” a mom recently said to me. I laughed, but that statement packs quite a punch. Our kids have enormous pressures placed on them. On top of rigorous academic programs, their schedules are filled with extracurricular activities. For the most part, our children thrive. My son did, but not without feeling the stress. As parents, we want to provide them with every advantage to succeed in this highly competitive world. Join some clubs, take music lessons, be an athlete, be a dual athlete, volunteer time–sound familiar? With such a full schedule, “there’s an absence of 
what’s called unstructured play,” 
Dr. Dince remarks.

We don’t have to dip far into the past to compare our childhood to our children’s. Most of us went to school, came home, got a snack, did some homework, and ran outside to play with friends. We ran into conflict, learned how to compromise and resolved problems with our peers without too much parental intervention. “Unstructured play helps to develop our sense of self and equips us with a social skill set that prepares us for the real world filled with conflict, rejection, and failure,” states Dr. Dince.

This topic is multifaceted, and I am limited when it comes to speaking authoritatively. However, what I can offer is my personal perspective as one who attempted suicide. I had all the right boxes checked. Loving, supportive family? Check. Healthcare? Check. Top doctors and hospital? Check and check. So how could I conceivably have the audacity to attempt suicide?

My only answer is to try to explain to a healthy brain how a sick brain works. To the healthy brain, suicide is an incomprehensible, selfish act. However, to a sick brain, it feels like the only logical solution. I convinced myself that my family would be better off without me and my illness. After 10 years of going in and out of vicious bipolar cycles, I couldn’t bear another second. I wanted out of my body. So, without consideration of the destruction I’d leave behind, I swallowed a bunch of pills to end my misery. In hindsight, I experienced that moment of impulsivity. A sick brain doesn’t consider the devastating consequences. I’ve been episode-free for ten years now, yet I still carry the guilt of that dark day. But I’m one of the lucky ones. I survived. I’ve learned to manage and treat my bipolar disorder as if it were any other potentially life-threatening illness.

At this point, I wish I could provide a fail-safe list for attaining and maintaining a state of wellbeing, but there are too many variables in life to have one specific formula. However, I don’t want to end this discussion without acknowledging some of the positive life lessons that came out of something so horrible. Taking ownership of my bipolar disorder and apologizing for my suicide attempt was important to healing as a family unit. The compassion, understanding, and forgiveness I received from my family has been one powerful elixir. Although my family has not come away unscathed, we have managed to come to a place of peace and resolve.

From the human perspective, losing a child is every parent’s worst nightmare. A loss to suicide should not be put into a separate category from the child we lose to any other life-threatening illness. May their struggles not be forgotten or stigmatized. May their families find comfort in the outpouring of love from our communities. Above all, may we honor and remember them for all the love, joy, and laughter they brought into our lives.

Janine Crowley Haynes is a Chappaqua resident and author of My Kind of Crazy: Living in a Bipolar World

*Publisher’s Note: Early in October, the life of the multi-dimensional and exceptionally talented 21-year-old Miles Applebaum was celebrated during a beautiful service attended by hundreds at Congregation B’nai Yisrael in Armonk.  Miles’ deep love for his family and friends–his absolute passion for music and poetry, and most of all, his gentle soul–were all lovingly remembered.  All of us here at Inside Armonk also offer our utmost condolences to the Applebaum family during this difficult period.

– Grace

Also see “When It’s Personal: a Dad Speaks out on the Loss of his Son” by Chappaqua’s Richard Klein.

—-

Resources & References

If you know someone is in 
immediate danger of hurting themselves or others, call 911.

  • The Mental Health Association of Westchester (MHAW), whose mission is to promote mental health in Westchester County through advocacy, community education, and direct services. www.mhawestchester.org
  • The Brain & Behavior Research Foundation, committed to awarding grants that will lead to advances and breakthroughs in scientific research. 
www.bbrfoundation.org

When It’s Personal: a Dad Speaks out on the Loss of his Son

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Our son, our gift, Jeff Klein.
Our son, our gift, Jeff Klein.

By Rich Klein

We are the typical Westchester family who moved up from the city 27 years ago, raised three beautiful sons, and loved them with our whole hearts. If someone told me I would one day lose a child to suicide, I would have laughed and said there was zero chance of that ever happening. My wife, Carey, and I were going to be the best, most devoted, loving parents a child could ever ask for.

And, apparently, we were. On November 9, 2010, our firstborn son, Jeff, at 23 ½ years of age, began his suicide note to us by writing:

“You were the best parents a son could ever ask for.”

When people from town learned of Jeff’s death, a good friend told me that many were frightened because they felt if this could happen to our family, it could happen to anyone’s.

They say love conquers all, but love was powerless in preventing the catastrophic chemical reaction that occurred inside Jeff’s body and mind after ingesting his first antidepressant recklessly prescribed by a local psychiatrist after one 45-minute introductory session. Eight days later, Jeff confided to Carey he was having “bad thoughts.” Two months in and two more antidepressants added, he was dead.

Jeff’s life came crashing down with terrifying speed. On July 4th weekend in 2010, Jeff partied with his best friends in Newport and was on top of the world. After graduating from Middlebury College in 2009, he worked as a paralegal at a major New York law firm. He spent weekends in Manhattan with his amazing friends and had an adoring family at home. He was also writing his own sports blog, Talkin’ Sports. Life was more than good. In fact, the first seven months of 2010 were arguably among the best in his life. Four months later, instead of being on top of the world, Jeff was on top of the Bear Mountain Bridge. He jumped to his death.

The chronology of events leading to his demise is clear. He was assigned to a high-profile case in late July. When the attorneys heartlessly demanded he return to work one night, despite knowing he was attending his Aunt’s wake, Jeff’s outlook turned sour. Over the following weeks, his hours increased. The pressure mounted. Unable to withstand it for another second, Jeff walked out on the job without warning in mid-August. He was deeply shaken but okay and prepared to take
 a step back and regroup.

Jeff thought it might be a good idea, however, to see a psychiatrist to determine if antidepressants might help take the edge off. Instead, the meds were debilitating. By mid-October, Jeff wanted to stop taking them. Given his adverse reaction, we were advised he should be carefully weaned off under medical supervision. When that process ended on October 26th, I made an egregious error that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

On October 27th, I went to work…like it was another ordinary day. I drove to the station, took the 7:22 train, and went about my day.

Jeff needed to be taken far away from his environment, and I was the guy who needed to take him. Instead of going to work that day, had I told Jeff to pack his bags, we’re heading to a beach in Florida to rejuvenate and devise a plan of attack, there’s not a doubt in my mind my son would be alive and thriving today. Jeff would have returned with a clear head, rejuvenated spirit, sense of purpose, and a plan. I live this illusory week in my mind repeatedly and wrote about it extensively in my blog. In late October, Jeff was completely salvageable, and I blew a golden opportunity to save him.

I hope to enlighten others struggling with these issues by sharing how I’ve coped over these last four years. The answer begins with my wife, Carey. The loving, impenetrable bond we’ve formed over 29 years of marriage has sustained us. We’ve drawn great strength and love from our boys Drew and Brett, who are 23 and 20 respectively. I don’t know how we could have recovered were Jeff our only child. Drew and Brett have been strong, resilient, and tolerant of my manifestations of post-traumatic stress disorder.

My greatest fear, in the aftermath of this tragedy was that people would forget my precious son who died such a senseless death. One of Jeff’s friends, Elon Rubin, created the Kleinsaucer blog to serve as an eternal repository for friends to share their memories of him. After Jeff’s friends authored the initial posts on the blog, I decided to give it a crack and write my own entry. I haven’t stopped writing since.

www.kleinsaucer.wordpress.com

At first, I wrote for purely selfish reasons. Writing became an effective form of therapy. I could unleash my raging emotions and ensure that, for at least the time it took someone to read a blog post, people were thinking of Jeff.

To further preserve Jeff’s memory, I created a Facebook page, Friends of Jeff Klein, where I share my new blog entries. The group has over 600 members and has become an online support group for me while also raising awareness for suicide prevention. The incredibly kind, encouraging messages from group members have lifted me up during my lowest moments.

I will never again have complete serenity in my life, but I have regained my ability to enjoy things. I get pumped when I win tough tennis league matches or go see the Knicks with Drew and Brett. I enjoy my evenings out with Carey more than ever. Before Jeff’s passing, Carey and I loved to dance. After his death, we avoided events with dance floors, but I reminded myself that Jeff loved us and would want nothing more for us than to be happy again. Carey and I finally danced again at our nephew’s wedding in 2013. That dance was a symbolic milestone in our recovery, and we no longer fear the music.

There are a few takeaways here. 
Tune in to the emotional health of your kids, especially through the pressures of high school and college when they spend more time with friends and less with you. Talk openly about their issues. Treat the decision to take antidepressants seriously, and consider their potentially life-threatening side effects. And, think twice before heading to work when your child is struggling. It could be a crucial, lifesaving decision.

Rich Klein is a Chappaqua resident and a Managing Director at Bank of America Merrill Lynch. To read his moving blogs about his son, Jeff, go to www.kleinsaucer.wordpress.com and join his Facebook page, Friends of Jeff Klein.

 

The Gift of Time in Armonk

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By Heather Skolnick

As the holidays are rapidly approaching, the thing that keeps me up at night (after the child who had a nightmare, the kitchen I didn’t clean, the work I opted not to do, the dog who didn’t get walked and the husband I neglected, that is) is finding the perfect gift for everyone on my list. I create a spreadsheet on Google docs so I can access it wherever I might be, and start brainstorming. I add and edit as the holidays approach. Come mid-November, I ask for ideas for those for whom I have voids, try to think creatively and leverage suggestions from friends and peers. All to try to find the “perfect” gift! But what if holiday gifts were really about something more than the kind of present you can stick in a gift bag?

Heather Brill and Nicole Meyer share friendship and fun at a previous Paint Nite event.
Heather Brill and Nicole Meyer share friendship and fun at a previous Paint Nite event.

The Gift of Time is a gift we should all consider giving and asking for in return. For starters, we all know how important Date Night is. But how often do we really do it? Speaking for myself, I have the best intentions–it just rarely happens. Fatigue, lack of planning and babysitter availability are all variables that inevitably lead to date night getting cancelled. Investing in our own relationships is the best way to ensure they flourish and grow and don’t get mired down by the challenges of everyday life. Armonk psychologist, Dr. Judith Adamo said, “In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, spending time with a significant other can have the same effect as going on vacation. During such times, enjoying the intimacy of laughter, for example, allows for the release of emotion that is both freeing and cleansing.” Armonk husband and wife Jordan and Tahlia Bliss agree, and have made it part of their routine. Tahlia said, “Life is so hectic sometimes. Jordan’s work schedule can be overwhelming, and three children under six is not easy either. Date night is our time to reconnect, to remember what got us to where we are and to remind us how much we love each other.”

And what about the kids? Certainly kids will still ask for the latest iPad, toy or clothing item. And this is not to say that children shouldn’t get presents because the joy of watching a child open up the gift they’ve been asking for is priceless. But perhaps it’s a balance. Because in two years, the iPad will be out of date (or shattered…), the toy forgotten and the trendy clothing will be long outgrown. Quality one-on-one time we invest in our children will be remembered forever. What if instead of gifting a new arts and crafts set, I took my daughter to the Crayola factory? She would be in heaven. And having one-on-one time with me, without the distraction of her two younger brothers, would be something extra special for her. Pleasantville based Licensed Clinical Social Worker Jill Touitou says, “One-on-one time with your kids is the best gift you can give them. Spending quality time together, without distractions, encourages the development of a special and trusting relationship and is a gift that cannot be equaled by tangible presents.” Even the internet agrees. My Facebook feed is filled with posts about “gifting” memories for your children. There’s even a Pinterest site dedicated to it!

Jordan and Tahlia Bliss enjoying date night.
Jordan and Tahlia Bliss enjoying date night.

The time concept gift extends beyond family to our friends too. My good friend and Thornwood resident Nicole Meyer decided this year on something different for the holidays. Instead of traditional gifts wrapped up with a bow, she is treating her close friends to a Paint Nite event. We will get to spend time together and catch up, while creating a painting masterpiece of sorts. The painting activity is actually incidental; it’s all about the time together with friends. As Nicole explained, “Instead of the same old holiday gift, I would rather spend time with people I love and that love me… an occasion to have some fun, be creative and share a laugh!”

Just as important, if not the most important, is alone time. Ask the average Armonk  adult what they want most and the answer will likely be something like time for a manicure or time to watch football. In both cases, it’s not really about the manicure or the football game, but just time for oneself. For me, that’s my dog walking time. I get my alone time and my pup gets a little love too. For our time crunched, overscheduled generation, it’s vital that we remember to give ourselves a gift, too!

Heather Skolnick, her husband and three kids have been New Castle residents for eight years. Heather works for a major retailer, helping them design and implement their Omnichannel Strategy. When she isn’t doing that, she is spending quality time with her family.

 

Unconventional Publishing

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Grace Bennett
Grace Bennett

It’s always nice to hit a milestone, and this edition of Inside Armonk is certainly a mini one. You are holding the grand finale edition of our “first three” debut editions of a “free,” merchant supported pub. This new launch, I hope, successfully establishes our presence for you in North Castle “and Beyond.”

We pride ourselves on producing a publication residents look forward to and enjoy each time. Here’s a nod to our ever generous sponsors in our pages (a million thank yous!) plus content that is also quite “real”–it’s publishing with a heart at all times. We CARE, and these days, and in these busy times, and all the flitting about online, this is our unconventional gift to you! So far, the “buzz” has been pretty darned good and that speaks volumes for us new kids in town.

So that you know “our schedule,” Inside Armonk and its sister/flagship publication Inside Chappaqua are produced six times a year. Our exact mail dates (advertising rates plus gift subscription info) are available via an “Advertising” link at www.theinsidepress.com; if you’re a social media fiend, like us on Facebook and/or follow us on Twitter. Or simply kick back and enjoy the luxury of print.

Wishing you and yours a joyous and healthy holiday season.

Attention Holiday Shoppers…

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GiftBagsC0911_L_300_C_YBy Dan Levitz

As I stood in Rite Aid contemplating the pumpkin shaped Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Halloween candy, I was experiencing decidedly mixed emotions. I found myself silently cursing the ad men of Madison Avenue for having the audacity to push out holiday candy earlier and earlier every year. This was the first week of September and I had just begun to accept that my daughter and I would taking no more weekend jaunts to Jones Beach in 2014. How presumptuous of them to think that, in shorts and a t-shirt, I’d be unable to resist a traditional corduroy pants and sweater treat. Yet simultaneously, like a good Pavlovian canine, I felt a rush of wonderful anticipation picturing myself biting that pumpkin in half and tasting the singular melding of milk chocolate with that slightly salty and delicious peanut butter. I’m not sure if I actually salivated but let’s just say the feeling of desire for this, the Cadillac of counter candy, was strong. They got me. Again.

One of the nice things about holidays is that they come around each year no matter what. There is a stability that’s inherent to these inevitable and theoretically pleasant annual occasions. And, even if a certain holiday ends up being a bummer this year, there’s a chance for a better one next year. I don’t need those amazing chocolate covered marshmallow turkeys that hastily appear on November 1st to inform me that Thanksgiving is approaching. At that point I’m still buying the massively reduced Halloween candy. Similarly, like the sun rising in the east I know that there will be 27 varieties of candy canes at Walgreen’s before I’ve even had my first left-over turkey omelet that Friday morning after Thanksgiving. You see, the themed candy coming out earlier every year just emphasizes how crazed many of us have become just rushing through various elements of our lives.

I’ve chosen to use the candy thing as a gentle reminder to not rush the holidays and, more importantly, to remember not to hurry through those wonderful experiences in our lives that truly are fleeting and won’t come around year after year. Some things do have a finality. For example, my son, now a senior at Greeley, is fully engaged in many a “for the last time” experience, be it varsity soccer or an acapella concert. Like most of his peers, he’s also focused on college applications. It is easy to obsess over the details, and not just embrace this year long moment. On a recent college visit upstate, he and I were talking about spiritual matters and I was quite impressed with his perspective. I realized that college is not just the next thing, but the perfect venue for him to continue to evolve. Notably, this moment felt like a respite from the college application mania that is so pervasive. Of course, the moment faded back to crazed fervor when I realized he hadn’t brought a button down shirt for his admissions interview, and we’d have to find a Kohl’s and pick one up. Sigh.

With the winter holidays approaching, it occurs to me that despite all the noise–whether constant holiday advertising, music, office parties and even something as simple as green & red M&M’s (which are awesome) – I’m going to take a Zen approach and try to just be in the moment. I will try to focus on presence rather than presents this time and not let the all-consuming, if well-intentioned, madness engulf me. 
At least that’s the plan.

I’m not a particularly sentimental person and I grew up without much focus on the winter holidays. In college, however, I had a girlfriend for whom Christmas was by far the most wonderful day of the year. Yet every single Christmas I spent with her, she ended up crying; and those were not tears of joy. At the time, I just tried (and often failed) to not make things worse. In retrospect, I think she was innocently guilty of buying into the pre-holiday hysteria and building the day into an unachievable ideal. And, those were the days when chocolate snowmen didn’t come out until December 1st. I can only imagine how she gets through it now.

I suppose that a truly spiritual being would be able to keep things in perspective throughout their life and have the clarity to be constantly present in their own existence. That ability does not come to me naturally. However, I am at a stage in my life where I do have moments of reflection and recognition, and, if I’m lucky enough to embrace them, that will be a fine accomplishment this holiday season and year ahead. At least I’ll try. Don’t get me wrong, I will be buying and eating holiday-themed chocolate all the way to Valentine’s Day and through Easter. And don’t get me started on those Cadbury Cream Eggs.

Dan Levitz has lived in Chappaqua for ten years and is an art dealer and writer with a blog on The Huffington Post.