Every time I enter my driveway, I pause at the lawn sign at my mailbox that reads “Proud Home of a Greeley Senior”. In truth, it makes me wistful and a little uneasy. My oldest child will be graduating this June and attending college. While I still have two younger children at home, I am acutely aware that he won’t be around this fall. And although I am very excited for what the college experience will be like for him, I am also nervous about many things.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the “empty nest” phase and while I have about five more years before entering it, I’m already trying to prepare. I’ve recently taken up tennis as a hobby as it will be a good social and healthy outlet and am hoping to do some amateur theater once my “Uber” driving days for afterschool activities are over. I, like many parents, realize that a lot of my identity currently is tied up with my children.
The concept of “empty nest” and what it means for the individual and the family differs for everybody. I interviewed two local recent “empty nesters” and one “empty nester-to-be” to see what’s in store for me in the coming years.
Tema Bomback, Chappaqua
Mount Kisco resident Tema Bomback has had her four children, Miles, Caroline, Annie and Phoebe go through the Chappaqua school system for the past 20 years. With her youngest daughter, Phoebe poised to graduate from Horace Greeley High School this spring, she has been very involved within the school district for a more than two-decade span. Currently serving two years at the high school as chair and vice chair of the PTA and a recent honoree at this year’s Horace Greeley Scholarship Fund dinner, Bomback knows the ins and the outs of the school district.
She has chaired many events and committees throughout the years but was reluctant to take a leadership role until Phoebe was the only one at home. In addition to being involved within the school system, Bomback is a volunteer at the JCCA’s Cottage School in Pleasantville and the New Castle Arts Committee.
Prior to having children, Bomback worked in film marketing and publicity but does not plan on returning to that field. “I’ve been out of the workforce for the past 20 years. The volunteer positions have taught me my strengths and also helped me figure out the next chapter a bit,” she says. She hopes to do something to combat food insecurity and plans to volunteer for Feeding Westchester or The Pantry in Mount Kisco.
“This next chapter is bittersweet. I have loved parenting and having us all under one roof and the loud chaos and it’s sad to see this chapter come to an end. Transitions are hard and admitting this phase is over brings your own aging into focus,” explains Bomback.
Once her daughter Annie left for Northwestern University, Bomback had a lot of driving duties until Phoebe got her license. Bomback’s whole life has been structured around school schedules. “Figuring out a new schedule will be interesting. With Phoebe alone at home, I always want to be here for her in the morning and have coffee with her.” Bomback knows that this time together is precious and fleeting.
If Bomback had to choose one area of her house that epitomizes the various phases of parenthood, it would be the basement. When they bought the house, it was unfinished so they decided to finish it and make a playroom where the kids could make a mess and they wouldn’t worry. It then served as a backdrop for birthday parties and many sleepovers. Now it is used infrequently and mostly by her younger nieces and nephews.
Having lived in the community for many years, Bomback has many friends who are already empty nesters. She knows that next year she’ll have the freedom and flexibility for more hobbies like a weekly canasta night. “In the past, I have done that during the day and haven’t said yes to a weekly game night because of the kids.” She envisions taking care of items on the bottom of her to do list like photo albums and cleaning out closets.
For now, Bomback is going to take up to a year to figure out her next chapter once Phoebe goes to college, at Northwestern University this fall. For now, she plans on visiting Miles and Caroline, who works as a development coordinator at Haymarket East Content, once a week in the city for dinner along with her husband Mark who works from home as a screenwriter. And she is looking forward to a temporary nester coming back home this fall. Her son Miles will be doing a rotation in Stamford while at Columbia University Medical School and will live with them during that stint. “That really is a gift. But as a parent, you hope they [all the kids] are prepared to fly the nest,” she says.
Melissa Jacobs, Armonk
Melissa Jacobs describes herself as a “nurturer”. A mom to three boys, her youngest son, Owen is a freshman at the University of Texas at Austin. She is a special education teacher working with local preschoolers on an individualized basis. She is also a trustee on the Board of Education for the Byram Hills School District.
It didn’t dawn on her immediately that she was an empty nester when her youngest went to college. “The fall semester is full of parents weekend activities, fall break, Thanksgiving break and then a long winter break,” notes Jacobs. “My moment of the enormity of being an empty nester hit me later. When our beloved family pet Oakley, a cockapoo, was sick and made it to Thanksgiving and the whole family was at my house. He gave us 13 years and it was a special goodbye and that hit me so hard. We not only lost our pet but then my nest was truly empty,” she recalls.
For Jacobs, the afternoon hours which were now a void was the hardest part about becoming an empty nester. “At 3 p.m., I’d be home to give Oakley his medicine and then I’d catch up with Owen about his day which was our real connecting time,” says Jacobs.
But even so Jacobs was preparing for the empty nest life years prior to it actually happening. In 2019 and during COVID, she obtained graduate certification online to become a Special Education Itinerant Teacher (SEIT). She says she enjoys being beholden to the school schedule and waking up each day to work in local preschools. Between her job and her board position, Jacobs has made it a point to stay busy and connected to the community.
She has enjoyed some of the perks and freedom of being an empty nester too. Last summer her husband had a business trip to London and she tagged along and then they got to spend two weeks in the French countryside to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary. “We wouldn’t have done it, if we had our kids at home,” she notes.
Jacobs describes the first year of bring an empty nester as bittersweet and an avalanche of emotions. She advises those who are soon to be empty nesters to embrace this period and be prepared for that whole range of emotions. She has several friends too who have recently become empty nesters and they prefer to reframe the experience more positively, describing themselves as “free birding”.
“I get satisfaction and happiness knowing that my kids are where they want to be. That is my purpose and the cycle of life,” she sums up.
Lynda Lederer-Natale, Pleasantville
A dental hygienist by trade, Lederer-Natale is very involved in many town activities. She sits on the board of the Chamber of Commerce and co-officiates the Dad’s Club of Pleasantville. Her only child, Nick entered Syracuse University as a freshman this fall.
When Lederer-Natale was initially thinking about her life as an empty nester, she thought that she would be a wreck but fortunately that hasn’t happened. Instead, she has been pleasantly surprised. “It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be because hearing his voice and knowing that he’s OK made me feel like I can do this,” says Lederer-Natale.
Although she has always worked fulltime, she never missed Nick’s baseball or football games. “I only get one shot at it, so it was important to be there. Nick always comes first.”
But now that Nick’s at college, Lederer-Natale has embraced the free time by taking two girls trips this fall and traveling more with my husband. “I took a four-day trip to London during high school football season. I never would have done that when Nick was around,” she explains.
Still there are moments of sadness and loneliness for her. She recalls crying after she saw a post from Break the Hold, a mental health organization dedicated to suicide awareness and prevention, which had a photo of Nick who was a speaker and scholarship recipient for the group. “I cried for my friend, Jolina who had lost her son and thought to myself their kid went off to college and never came home. As a mom, you worry about all sorts of things at college–drinking, your child’s mental health,” comments Lederer-Natale.
Not only did her and her husband have to adjust to becoming empty nesters, their dog Trooper cries outside Nick’s bedroom door sometimes and when Nick has had a school break, their reunions have been joyous.
Life changes once you are an empty nester in so many ways. “I’m not rushing to leave work early for football or baseball games. I have less laundry and less cooking. I’m not tripping over shoes in the mud room and there are no more empty water bottles or food packages lying on my kitchen counter.”
This past year, Lederer-Natale believes her son has matured. He now does his own laundry and she feels he understands the value of a dollar a bit more. He also really appreciates his time now when he comes home and doesn’t rush out to be with friends.
She feels that Nick has always been a good communicator and regularly texts with him when he is at school. “He’ll call while he’s walking across campus and the “I love you mom” texts are flying around a bit more,” she adds.
“At the end of the day as sad as I am that he isn’t waking up in my house everyday anymore, he’s happy and found his group of friends and I think as parents that is what we all want,” she explains.
She advises soon-to-be empty nesters to cherish these last few months, take plenty of photos and be honest and open about expectations. “Let them know that you are there for them no matter what even if they need to call you at 3 a.m.”
