Inside Thoughts

By Jane Genende

On a typical day, Steven and I would accompany Mom on her errands. We might be waiting for a light to change at a street corner when someone would inevitably stop to look at us and say, “Oh, what a beautiful baby. Where did he get such beautiful red hair?”

Strangers would never fail to notice the cute little red head but not the brunette little girl standing right next to him. I would begin to feel myself shrink and get really angry. I  Wondered why people had to make comments about Steven’s hair? The streetlight would change from red to green, and these brief encounters would end.

Years later, when I was pregnant with Emily, our first child, Jack and I thought she might have red hair but she is actually a brunette, like me. Our second child, Seth, was born with, that all too familiar, strawberry-blonde shade of red hair.

Unbelievably, the phenomenon that I had experienced so long ago and had forgotten, reemerged. I would be with my children waiting for a green light at a street corner and someone would invariably make that familiar remark, “What a beautiful baby. Where did he get such beautiful red hair?”

Instead of being the little girl I was now the mother in this new version of the old scenario. As time went on Seth grew annoyed asking, “Why do people care about my hair color?” He did not like the fact that he was the only one in our immediate family with red hair. “Why am I the only person in the family with red hair?  I should have a brother or sister who has red hair like mine.” Emily reacted to these encounters nonverbally. She would roll her eyes, and cluck her tongue. When it happened we would look at each other knowingly and say, “Here we go again.”

It seemed to me that the fates must have a sense of humor to impose this particular pattern upon us once again. Two generations of a mom, a sister and brother, past and present, converging around a laughable twist of fate.

After we moved to a house in the suburbs, Seth began a determined plea for a dog.

“I need a dog!”  “I want a dog!”

At some point during this period of time, I learned of a program in which seeing-eye dogs in training become ‘released’ for adoption to the general public if they do not pass the various tests to qualify as a working dog. Had I found an answer to Seth’s quest for a dog? If we could get a one or two-year-old ‘release dog’ already trained and healthy that might work for us. We contacted organizations for the blind and got on waiting lists. We began to get calls about dogs available for adoption.

The first of several options was a two-year-old dog named Lady. I didn’t like the name at first and that was a bit of a strike against her. She was described as a mix between a Golden/ Labrador Retriever. The issue causing her to be released from the seeing-eye dog program was her difficulty adapting to the special leash/harness they wear. Was this, strike two strikes against her? We were told that she had a tendency to chase after chipmunks & squirrels. It seems her instinct to retrieve was stronger than any desire to please her trainers and become a working dog. Was this, strike three?

On the positive side she was trained and we were told she would make a perfect family pet so long as we had a fenced in backyard. The scales tipped in her favor when we inquired about her coloring and appearance. Lady had the short hair of a Labrador, and they described her as having,  “… a strawberry-blonde coat.” We decided to pursue her adoption. When Jack brought Lady home I couldn’t believe I was looking at that familiar shade of hair, on a dog! Somehow Lady was meant to be ours.

Seth came home and we surprised him with the dog. When he saw her he blinked back tears and cleared his throat, straining to appear composed. He began petting the dog, as we told him, “Her name is Lady and we adopted her, she is ours.”

Seth responded,  “I can’t believe you got a dog for me. Is she really ours to keep?”

“Yes she is.” We answered happily.

Emily was nonchalant, “What is with you people, why did we need to get a dog and such a big one?”

Then my son made his final comment and captured the essence of the moment.

“Look, I can’t believe it, her hair is the exact same color as mine. Finally someone in this family has red hair like me!”

You would think this was the end of the story, but it seems the fates were not through with this particular theme in our lives.

I often found myself home alone with Lady. She’d rest beside me, sitting at my feet, as I sat and wrote at my computer. We would often go for long walks, one brunette and one red head and guess what happened…?  Who do you think got all the attention, and what do you suppose they said?

The 12 years that Lady was a part of our lives was an unexpected and precious gift. She loved to go for long walks, swim, catch tennis balls and chase squirrels. Although her hair had turned grey and lighter with age she will always remain our beautiful red haired Lady. She was a wonderful addition to our family who lived a long, happy life and she will be missed.

Chappaqua resident Jane Genende, a Psychotherapist in private practice in New York City, is the author of “The Lost Tribe of the Andes: A Jewish-American Family’s Struggle with Assimilation.”

The Dreaded “E-Word” and Helping Generation Me “Get it”
By Mara Weissmann

A “perfect storm” is an expression that describes an event “where a rare combination of circumstances will aggravate a situation drastically.” Allow me to describe the perfect storm brewing among our wonderful teenagers…those we call Millennials, Gen Y, or as one psychologist calls them, “GenerationMe.” They were born between 1977-2000. Research tells us that they have been raised in a child-focused world where we, boomer generation parents–who have witnessed some of the worst violent acts of our time–have had an undying need to protect and instinctually want to shield them from harm, failure, pain, and hardship.

Our educational system and society, in general, in the years after 1980, have placed a primary emphasis on increasing our kids’ self-esteem. How many “All About Me” or similar projects did your kids bring home throughout their pre-school, elementary, middle school, and high school education? Self-esteem is not a bad thing except when, “[it is] based on nothing [, it] does not serve children well in the long-run; it’s better for children to develop real skills and feel good about accomplishing something,” said Martin Seligman, PhD and Master of Applied Positive Psychology. Nothing exemplifies this better than a National headline a few weeks ago that read “8 Year Old Gets ‘Catastrophe Award’ for Most Homework Excuses.” Is this what our education system has come to–rewarding for failure? So, components of a “perfect storm” have begun to converge: over-emphasis on self, parents who admittedly over-protect, advocate every argument on behalf, pave the way, and shield from failure, harm and hurt, and an education system that constructively criticizes by giving awards and trophies to all equally for often not much.

It is of little wonder that our kids have high expectations of themselves and those and work places with whom they come into contact. Indeed, employers have characterized them as having “outlandish expectations.” Employers experience our kids to be the “E” word . . . not Energetic, not Educated, but Entitled. Surprised? High School English teacher, David McCullough, recently got national acclaim for his commencement address when he told the graduating seniors: “You’re not special, you’re not exceptional. Contrary to what your U9 soccer trophy suggests, you’re glowing 7th grade report card, despite every assurance of a certain corpulent purple dinosaur, that nice Mr. Rogers and your batty Aunt Silvia; no matter how often your maternal caped crusader has swooped in to save you, you are nothing special. Yes, you’ve been pampered, cosseted, doted upon, helmeted, bubble wrapped. If everyone is special then no one is.” All this teacher did was give them a heads up: it’s a tough world out there.

Many of our kids, from my mouth to G-d’s ears, will eventually enter or are in the working world, a world that is not as nurturing as the world in which they were raised and educated (mildly stated). Researchers, educators and employers have opined that our kids are “ill-prepared” and “less able,” from a behavioral and emotional intelligence perspective, for that real world.

And so, a perfect storm lies ahead, particularly when our kids are faced with the first round of criticisms, bosses who have bad personalities, challenging situations that call for thoughtful strategies, navigating changing jobs in an informed process, and promotions and salary increases not happening within the time-frame they expect. What can we, as parents, anticipate? Calls home conveying misery and disappointment, loathing “sitting at a desk job,” anxiety, depression, and the list goes on. It is not all bad. So many of our kids find wonderful jobs and pursue careers that are rewarding. Sometimes, though, they don’t have the in-house mentor to help them navigate the tricky political waters or the next move and parents, face it, are not as objective, under the circumstances.
With 25 years of practicing employment law, HR and workplace strategies, I have teamed with Harvey Robbins, PhD, an industrial psychologist (IP) who worked for the CIA, among other well known governmental agencies and companies. Together, we developed SharpenUrEdge™, a group and one-on-one behavioral-based training program and advisory service for young adults (ages 17-35).

Young adults today are part of the most capable generation on earth. Imagine, though, if they were cognitively smarter about people and the work world landscape, more clinically insightful about themselves and others. Imagine further if they were more psychologically equipped to drive outcomes and face real world challenges and the different personalities that make up that world. And then imagine them phoning home to highlight their successes instead of calling about defeat: awesome thought.These skills are important to acquire early so they become instinctual when needed. Our approach has proven successful with many young adults–they feel more empowered and equipped with substantive strategies to achieve their goals, they have obtained networking leads for jobs, they feel prepared for interviews, and they have gotten into graduate school and obtained jobs. They come in from the storm.

Mara Weissmann, a mother of two teenagers in Chappaqua, is an attorney, Human Resources Consultant, and President of WISE HR Strategies LLC where she advises people on positive and empowering career strategies when faced with challenging work situations, and companies on how to be a better place for people to advance their careers. To find out more about SharpenUrEdge™ write to mara@wisehrstrategies.com or harvey@harveyrobbins.com or visit their website, www.sharpenuredge.com, for more information.

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Self-advocacy is a great skill. Build those skills in your kids and let them advocate for themselves.

Truman Capote once said, “Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” Neither parents nor our kids can fear and avoid failure of some sort in their life-time. The key is aiding your child in building resiliency: the ability to pick oneself up, dust oneself off, and move forward.

Kids coming out of college today have yet to prove their “specialness” in the real world. Parents must help kids understand that concept. If they don’t, some boss will.

Our kids see themselves on par with those who actually have more experience than they do. Teach our kids the importance of deferring to those who have more experience and to speak with authority, conviction, and substantive knowledge before they challenge, question or discredit authority.

Approach every challenging or conflict situation involving your child with the understanding that they had a role in it or may have made a mistake or done something wrong. Give them a change to articulate their contribution and cause them to own that part. Defending your child in every situation where they have had conflict or difficulty does not teach them accountability.

Helicoptering gives parenting a really bad name and does our kids a disservice. Helicopter Parenting is defined as “a style of child rearing in which an overprotective mother or father discourages a child’s independence by being too involved in the child’s life: In typical helicopter parenting, a mother or father swoops in at any sign of challenge or discomfort.” Hover over something else.

Help your child understand their blind spot, weakness or, as we say, developmental area. They will be asked that question and that they “can’t delegate” or they “work too hard” isn’t the right answer.

Have a discussion with your child and help them understand their strengths: encourage them to play to those strengths in their future career pursuits.

Teach your child about managing expectations while being proactive in the pursuit of their desired outcome.

–Mara Weissmann

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By Amanda Weiss

Who was that girl on the train? I was that girl on the train.

We were sopping wet and ran to get to the train station. With only minutes until the train was leaving, we felt lucky to get on it, walking through at least four cars until we finally found a four-seater area. There was a six-seater across from us where a man in a suit and a group of four tourists from London were sitting. Immediately, it became clear they were fighting – with the local New York man taunting them saying, “I don’t want you touching me; you sat down and banged into me and you could apologize….I know in your country you don’t even touch ….You’re vacationers and tourists…”

The Londoners were shocked and fought back. There was a growing crowd as they continued. Soon the conductor came and told everyone, “Enough! It’s done,” and he left. Still, the fight continued. At this point, I got up from my four-seater area and went to sit down in the remaining empty seat in the six-seater. “I need a place to sit,” I said. Once I was seated, the New York man proceeded to straddle my seat, putting his legs out on either side of me. I said, “Get your feet off my seat; I don’t want you touching me.” This went back and forth until he said, “You’ll have to call a policeman.” Imagine my surprise when one of the spectators then said, “Oh, you mean me?” He flashed his badge.

I continued to speak clearly and calmly, firmly saying, “You are being rude. Your feet are not supposed to be on the seats.” At this point, another man from the crowd looked right at the New York man and said, “No one is on your side.” It became very quiet. The New York man took his feet down.

I stayed for a while, chatting with the Londoners, telling them of the wonderful trip I had recently taken to London. As I left to go back to my seat, there was applause in the car. People were shaking my hand. A woman from New Zealand sitting across the way said “I love your work.” When I returned to my seat, my friend said, “You’ve made peace between two countries.”

Do you know that the New York man did not say another word the rest of the ride? He was making all New Yorkers look bad, and I single-handedly changed that. Everyone was thinking of doing something to stop it, but I actually did it. I guess in my Greeley yearbook they didn’t vote me “Senior Not To Mess With” for nothing. Oh–and I guess having the guy with the badge there didn’t hurt.

Amanda Weiss’ story as recorded by her mother Nancy, April 13, 2012.