Cover Stories

By Sarah Ellen Berman • Photo by Isabel Greenberg

For Lyndall Boal, the tireless, dedicated social worker who divides her time between Bell and Seven Bridges Middle Schools, this Mother’s Day is a time of anticipation and reflection. After 24 years in the school system, she has decided to retire at the end of the academic year. Boal is looking forward to sharing many special moments with her family and wistfully looking back on her tenure in Chappaqua and the heartwarming times spent with her young adult students.

The celebration of Mother’s Day is a year-round event in Boal’s family. Gatherings occur frequently at her second home in Vermont and every opportunity to be together is relished. “My kids and I are very connected,” Boal noted. Last summer, she took the clan up in a hot air balloon to the sheer delight of her five grandchildren. During the year, Boal is constantly running off to attend her grandchildren’s sporting events. When her son Peter, the artistic director of the Pacific Northwest Ballet, implored her to come see a performance of “Don Quixote” recently, she heeded the call. She can also be found in the Boston area visiting her daughter, Jennifer, a magistrate judge.

One only has to enter into the space Boal inhabits at Seven Bridges to understand the positive influence she has had on so many young adults in the community. In this space, never referred to as an office, but instead as Mrs. Boal’s room, students congregate as they arrive in the morning and again at lunchtime. Nestled on couches, they exchange greetings and take turns reading aloud “The Maze Runner,” the current selection of their book club.

A humongous bulletin board is filled with mementos and thank you notes. “I keep everything the kids give me,” Boal said. In one drawer of her desk, she keeps the original blueprints for the skate park drawn up by one of her fans.

The design of the room is deliberate and purposeful. Gesturing toward the guitars and skateboards left by former “Boalers” – the name adopted by her acolytes, Boal described the environment: “This makes the kids feel comfortable, validated and safe. They can park their worries here and go out and learn.” “I get such joy out of this work,” she continued.

Boal effectively applies the principles of social work in the middle schools. She begins by ascertaining “what a child is passionate about,” and proceeds to build on this interest. “The self-esteem goes up. Then they do much better in math, science and social studies,” she observed.

Nuturing Dreams

Boal encourages her students to follow their dreams and supports them every step of the way. When a Boaler heard about an organization called Presents for Pets, she stopped by the room to consult Boal. Flyers were created and posted and fellow students brought in food for needy pets owned by senior citizens.

After attending a production of the ballet, “Coppélia,” at age eight, Boal’s son Peter declared that he wanted to become a dancer. Boal investigated opportunities and took him to an audition at the School of American Ballet. Peter went on to become a member of the New York City Ballet. “Talk about finding a passion and encouraging it!” Boal exclaimed.

Boal is also the champion of The Entertainers, a group comprised of students from both schools who perform variety acts at elder-care facilities in the area. This activity provides the children with a platform to shine. Boal noted that several of the participants are children with special needs who relish the recognition. Boal related that when one of these students heard the applause, “the kid just beamed.”

Boal is very involved with New Castle CARES. She has enlisted many young people to serve with her in this coalition. When several Boalers expressed their interest in having a skate park in town, Boal was ready to help. The students presented their ideas to the recreation department and provided guidance during the planning phase. “I have to compliment these kids,” Boal said. “They became part of the democratic process in town.”

In March of this year, Boal received the Ed Habermann award from the Horace Greeley Scholarship Fund in recognition of her dedication to improving the lives of young people in the community. Many former students returned from college and beyond to sing her praises at the Fund’s annual event.

Michael Abemayor, a graduate of the class of 2009, addressed his remarks to Boal. “It wasn’t just a job to you,” he said. “It was family.” He went on to recount a humorous anecdote. “Remember the time I put the phone in the ceiling?” he asked. Abemayor appreciated the fact that even when questions were posed at the time as to the nature and perpetrator of the prank, Boal remained mum. This sentiment expressed precisely the strength of the alliance forged by Boal with young adults in the community.

Former student, 31-year-old Elizabeth Cosgriff, was also present at the event. After a successful career in the financial services industry, Cosgriff has decided to follow her passion and become a social worker. She is currently interning with Boal at Bell.

After the accolades, Boal took the floor to deliver her acceptance speech. She then turned to the audience and called each student up by name to share the limelight. After some coaxing (in characteristic Boal fashion), several members of her family joined the group. It was Boal’s turn to beam as she gazed upon all her children.

Sarah Ellen Berman appreciates the way in which this social worker empowers young adults in the hamlet.

By Grace Bennett • Photo by Melani Lust

My meeting with the adorable and brilliant Kate Stone Lombardi at Le Jardin du Roi on King Street took place amidst a whirlwind media tour that included write ups in the Wall Street Journal, Time.com., The New York Times–where she had been a regional contributor for over 20 years with her weekly column, County Lines–and an appearance on NPR’s “All Things Considered.” Excerpts of her new book, The Mama’s Boy Myth (Avery, Penguin Group USA, 2012) are featured in May’s Ladies’ Home Journal as well as the June issue of Reader’s Digest.

All this attention is well deserved since Kate’s scholarly, yet altogether accessible and engaging book, is the first serious, research jammed work exclusively examining and correcting so many (mostly negative) misconceptions about the mother/son relationship.

Passion for the topic seeps through each page, from its opening chapter, in which Kate, a 20-year resident of Chappaqua, relates to a friend how she had been unhappy to be reassigned from writing a regional column at the Times to covering local news.

She confides that her son nailed what had transpired with a sports analogy. “Mom, the problem is that they’re playing you out of position.” Kate states to her friend, “I hope you don’t think it’s odd that I get career feedback from my nineteen year old.”

Her friend did not think that, and the exchange instead sparked a conversation about the intensity of their relationships with their sons, and deep emotional connection to them…the kind of conversation that Kate would have time and again during the course of her interviews with hundreds of moms of boys around the country (following a 1,200 person online survey).

But, perhaps most notable: the same woman was also quick to remind her journalist friend never to quote her on what she’d said. Her fear and shame were palpable…spurred on by a society that has hardly supported a positive mother/son relationship, and in fact, has been quick to downright malign it. “We live in a homophobic culture profoundly fearful of mothers ‘feminizing’ their sons,” says Kate.

With these thoughts in mind, Kate embarked on an odyssey to understand how we reached this sorry state of affairs and to explain why it’s no surprise that mothers feel a certain level of shame and a desire to maintain secrecy or even altogether hide their closeness to their sons. The image of a mother close to her son readily segues into accusations of the domineering mother.

“There are countless books and movies that have portrayed any mom who is close to her son as overbearing; the image is of sons who become weak or a “wuss” or over dependent as a result. All manner of over-dependence and dysfunctional have been blamed on mothers,” Kate told me. “I received feedback from mothers with children as young as two and three who received the ultimately destructive message that their boys are expected to stand on their own two feet.”

At our local playgrounds, moms may typically feel pressure, for example, to let little boys grin and bear their boo boos, while little girls are picked up and comforted with a hug.

Kate compiles evidence that clearly shouts out that mother/son closeness is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. And that, au contraire, an intimate connection with our sons is absolutely critical to their positive emotional development, improved academic performance and for preparing them for adulthood in ways that may surprise you.

Mothers who stay close, despite the pressures, rear boys with higher emotional intelligence that serve them well in interpersonal relationships…and also in the marketplace. “Boys are no longer entering an economy that’s going to value their brute strength.”

Over the years, here in town, Kate carved out a successful freelance career as a part time writer for the Times so that she could, in fact, stay close to both her children. She would “get out of” interviews that were too close to three by stating that she had a meeting to attend. “My meeting was, in fact, with the yellow vehicle called the school bus.” The rewards have been innumerable…her County Lines column struck a chord with so many of her loyal readers here, including moi. She recalled one of her favorites, which recounted how moved she was at a ceremony for “soccer moms” at Greeley high school. In it, she recalled various highlights from the time her son, Paul, made the travel team in the 4th grade.

Today, Paul, 23, teaches elementary school. Her daughter, Jeanie, 26, is a consultant to a company advising charter schools in New York City. I asked her how her daughter felt about her writing a book about the mother/son relationship. “You know, you’re the first person to ask me that,” said Kate with the perpetual twinkle that appears to reside in her clear blue eyes. Jeanie, she said, like Paul, has enjoyed watching her mom soar and, with her keen sense of fashion, has also been instrumental at helping mom project a sophisticated and striking image as she makes the media rounds. Kate is married to Michael Lombardi, a finance consultant.

Toward the end of the interview, I asked Kate for her best suggestions on how to keep our sons close. “Carve out time alone with your sons. Establish traditions. Encourage them to express their feelings. All boys have them and they are told in so many subliminal ways not to show them. But If you move away from being judgmental, they will open up. And that’s only a good thing.”

Grace Bennett is publisher and editor of Inside Chappaqua Magazine. Since reading “The Mama’s Boy Myth,” she has been working harder to nurture a close bond with her own beloved 15-year-old son.

By Jean Sheff

As many mothers and fathers know, giving birth to your children is sometimes the easy part. Yes, every child at one time or another will present their parents with unexpected challenges. It might be a broken bone, a chronic illness or a learning disability. The list is endless. Still, parents are known to rise to the occasion, and more often than not, they will do whatever it takes to help their child thrive. In some cases, that means going a lot more than the extra mile.

What’s Wrong?
Melanie Schaffran, then a Chappaqua resident, knew something was wrong when her bright, baby boy Brett lost his language skills when he was two years old. For two years, she and her husband Drew searched for answers. During that time, Brett was diagnosed with autism, which according to the National Institute of Child Health & Human Development, is broadly defined as a developmental disability that causes problems with social interactions and communication. Today, most experts use the term autism spectrum disorder (ASD) to explain that autism is a group of complex disorders of brain development with similar symptoms that can range from mild to severe.

Ever hopeful that Brett could be reached, Schaffran tried bringing him to a variety of intervention programs including a special therapeutic nursery program that employed auditory integration therapy, lauded to help a broad range of autism spectrum and other pervasive developmental disorders. Nothing helped.

A New Therapy
Then Schaffran read, “Let Me Hear Your Voice: A Family’s Triumph over Autism” by Catherine Maurice (Ballantine Books, 1994), a mother’s true story about the struggle and success of raising her autistic daughter and son. Maurice found success with a behavior modification program that O. Ivar Lovaas, a California-based clinical psychologist, had given careful study. Known as Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA), the therapy required home schooling. Schaffran was willing to give it a try. “ABA is a scientifically-based program that is goal intensive and works to reroute brain synapses in order to reach the child,” she says. “The theory is that the young child’s brain is plastic and can be retrained so the language center can be reached.”

The therapy started with basics. ABA acknowledges that a child with autism will not make eye contact and must be taught first to focus on a teacher so they can process information and learn. Schaffran began by holding an M&M (a reward) in front of her nose and saying the words “look at me” to her son. After one week of daily sessions it was clear that Brett understood the actual meaning of the words for the first time. “Before, those words were just gibberish to him, him,” she says. Eventually the child learns the meaning of the language without the reward. The next step is often teaching gross motor movements, explains Schraffran. “Language eventually takes on meaning for them through these simple exercises,” she says. During this time, Schraffran was in touch with her school district. “The school district at this time was very sympathetic, but there was little they could do,” she says.

Other Families
Schaffran spotted an ad in the local Pennysaver that invited families who were applying the ABA method at home to come together to explore support and strategies.

That’s how eight families in the northern Westchester area joined forces to found FECA (Foundation for the Education of Children with Autism), purchase educational materials, hire a staff, find space and convert it into a working school for the purpose of teaching children using the ABA methodology. “But we needed funding and it was at this time that slashes were being made in the state education budget,” says Schaffran. By serendipity, one of Drew Schraffran’s colleagues mentioned Devereux, a not-for-profit behavioral health organization. The good, long and short of the story is that Devereux agreed to partner with the families, who all volunteered their time and talents to establish the Devereux Millwood Learning Center in 1996 with 12 enrolled students between the ages of 5 and 21.

Other Students
Chappaqua resident Doreen Engelsher was trying to mainstream her son Nicholas when she discovered the Devereux Learning Center (DLC). “We got on their waiting list and when I got that call that they had an opening, I felt like I hit Lotto,” she says. Engelsher met with teachers and therapists every six weeks to follow Nicholas’ progress. “Often, a child with autism can’t give you feedback. That’s why the support at DLC is so important,” says Engelsher, who had to stop working for a year to devote her fulltime effort to her son’s schooling. “You’ll do anything for your child,” she says.

Cindy Alterson, Ph.D., principal of Devereux Learning Center and director of the Academy Program, a night school there, says, “Devereux is the only center in the Westchester area that teaches the ABA method. “Today we have 48 students who come from Westchester, Rockland and Orange counties as well as New York City.” Alterson, as well as parents we have talked with, have made it clear that school districts vary as to their ability to help children who need services such as Devereux offers. Many districts have come a long way in their ability to mainstream students successfully. Chappaqua School District has long been known to be especially sensitive and effective in helping children with autism and other learning differences. “It depends on the district,” says Alterson.”

Every district has its threshold of the behavior they can handle.” Students are generally referred to Devereux when that threshold has been met. Regardless of behavioral issues, children coming to Devereux have a wide range of academic abilities. “Teachers and therapists apply the ABA model to gauge how each child learns and to arrange the academic environment to promote learning success,” she says. Each child has a personal IEP (individualized education plan) and works in a classroom that has one teacher and three teaching assistants for each six students. In addition, the school operates on a 12-month program that has been proven to be especially effective and helpful for students, families and teachers.

Alterson notes that many 11 to 15 year olds are referred to Devereux. “With puberty comes hormonal changes which sometimes translate into behavioral changes,” she says. The odds of inclusion working in the classroom are also much different for the middle and high school age student. “Expectations for students at this age are increased and it can be hard for some students to make the academic transition.”

Engelsher says puberty can indeed cause a “rough patch” for children with autism. But properly addressed, the “time of turmoil” can be overcome. Her son Nicholas plans to stay at Devereux until he ages out at 21. He is learning to be as independent as possible and these days he even works locally at the food pantry and a nursing home. “This gives him a purpose to his day,” she says.

Three years ago, Devereux started an adult program for adults (ages 21 and over) with ASD. “This is a day-habitation program without walls,” says Alterson. The program teaches “how–to” have a job and be appropriate and live in the world. It offers a continuation of the services from the school program as well as supported employment services and job coaching. Today, some 15 students participate in this program.

Into the Community
Diane Slonim, SLP, Ph.D., has volunteered many hours helping develop what many consider an especially critical program at Devereux, the Academy Program or night school, as it is often referred to. “After high school, a youngster with ASD can be so lost,” says Slonim. “Many find navigating the world difficult.” One and a half years ago, this program was created to assist students with social and life skills.

Alterson says some students in the program are prevocational while others are precollege. Enrollment, which is on a semester basis, has ranged from 8 to 22 students. The goal is to assist these youngsters in being self-sustaining in a community.

Slonim says she has seen “awesome community building” with this program. She says each student has the ability to communicate given the right milieu with the right support. “It’s an enormous step when you see these young adults come together and care for one another,” says Slonim. It’s also clear to her that the “need is so great” for such programs.

Fundraising is ongoing in order to keep the Devereux Learning Center afloat. There are two major events each year, an event in November, which draws some 300 to 400 individuals, and a Spring Gala for which tickets are available. Donations are also welcome at any time. As many have mentioned –it’s so important to help Devereux provide opportunities for these youngsters, as they are part of our future community and will be adults longer than they are children. For Schaffran, whose son Brett is now 22, and Engelsher, whose son Nicholas is now 18, it is a great reward to see their boys healthy and active in their community.

Jean Sheff is a Chappaqua-based freelance writer and editor.

DID YOU KNOW?

• Autism currently affects 1 in 
• 110 children and 1 in 70 boys and its pervasiveness is growing.
• Every child who is diagnosed with autism presents with a wide variety of unique symptoms that include social, communication and behavioral differences.
• Asperger’s Syndrome is an autism spectrum disorder considered by some to be a mild form of autism.
• Experts contend that the symptoms of autism can now be noticed in children as young as 18 months old.
• Children with autism are not mentally retarded.
• Early intervention is important in helping a child with autism establish learning and communication skills. • According to the Individuals with Disabilities Act of 1990, which mentions autistic children specifically, children with autism deserve access to a “free and appropriate” education funded by the government, whether it is in a mainstream or special education classroom. –Jean Sheff

Jodi Levine of Chappaqua and owner of Jodi’s Gym in Mt. Kisco and Manhattan, firmly believes that gymnastics is a great way to help children with special needs or who are on the autism spectrum because it incorporates many of the skills with which these children have difficulty.

The benefits of gymnastics include increased balance, strength, self-confidence, motor skills and spatial awareness.

Jodi loves to see the way the kids’ eyes light up when they enter the gym and the joy the parents have by taking their children to a safe and fun gymnastics program. Her current class was inspired by the parent of a child who had visited the gym as a birthday party guest and simply loved it. Plans for the summer include a social skills class for 3-4 year-olds which will combine a half-hour of class time with a social worker and then time in the gym where the kids can apply the skills they learned. The program focuses on progress, not perfection, with the goal of developing skills such as sharing, positive interaction with other children, taking turns, making friends and even dealing with frustration. Consultations and a parenting discussion will be provided by the social worker. For more info, visit www.jodisgym.com
– Michael Kohn

Varda Singer, Owner, ICD Contemporary Jewelry

“I would like to wish the Chappaqua community the same enjoyment that I have had living and raising my children here in town. Both my children went to school in Chappaqua. They volunteered in the ambulance corps, they competed on the schools’ teams and played in the same fields and playgrounds behind my jewelry store that their children are now playing in. My hopes and dreams for all the residents in Chappaqua is that they will enjoy the community, camaraderie and greenery as I have over the past decades.”

Shawna Starr, Spa Manager, Bellava Spa    
I realized upon reflection, that I am a very superstitious person who is constantly throwing out to the universe, my innermost wishes and desires. Whether wishing on a shooting star, an eyelash that has fallen out, or the clock when it turns 11:11, I figure a little extra help can’t hurt! These wishes range daily from “hoping” my child does well on a test, to “hoping” I make it to the gas station before running out, to “dreaming” of one day living on the beach, preferably in Hawaii. However, as a single mother of three, the most meaningful of all, is my hope that my children feel and know that I love them unconditionally, forever, no matter what choices they make on their life’s journey, and that my wildest dreams were fulfilled the day each of them was born and I became their mother.
Yulia Omelich, Owner, COUTUREDossier    
It is with a great pleasure that I decided to bepart of this issue that celebrates a WOMAN, a Mother, a multi-tasker, afighter, a protector, and a true friend in every one of us. The “Mother”journey starts before a person is born but it NEVER ends. Each year is a new milestone that presents another challenge to overcome and learn from, either it is a loss, a sickness, a dull friend with ill intentions or a toxic relationship,Mothers will always be there trying to guide away from the wrong doing or helpduring a sudden misfortune. My wish today is for all of you to be reminded moreoften how beautiful you are, how much you matter for your loved ones and bethanked for being there for them.  Imet so many of you at COUTUREDossier. Youare amazing and wonderful people. Love yourselves and be happy. Happy Mother’sDay!”

Teri Tiberi, Office Manager, Riverside Memorial Chapel    
I have a dream that one day soon I will be able to live a simpler life, where I can spend more time embracing all the beauty that surrounds me.  To live the healthiest life possible so that I can still take long walks on the beach when I am in my senior years.  To be surrounded by people I love and spend more time with them.  I hope that I have learned from my yesterdays, am able to live my todays to the fullest and never lose sight of my hopes and dreams for tomorrow.

Beth Hundgen, Owner, Whispering Pines    
“So many of my own hopes and dreams have come true raising two incredible kids, my son Stetson and daughter Sage, and running Whispering Pines here in Chappaqua.  Besides dreaming that I will win the mega millions tonight, I hope and dream that my business continues to grow and be successful. I plan to expand my business in the near future by becoming a complete garden center. Ultimately, my job is to make people smile every day with beautiful floral designs and so much more!  What can be better than that?  I also have great hopes for New Castle!   I know that the hamlet of Chappaqua will continue to flourish.  I’ve seen so many positive changes since I first opened my store here and have been particularly excited by the opening of so many new stores around town.”

Dawn Greenberg, Owner, Aurora
“My hope is that my kids get to travel the world one day and have limitless options, while still finding a sense of satisfaction through work and their community.  The  day this photo was taken the future felt full of possibility and our family was complete–I hope we can always feel this happy.”

Lydia Evans, M.D., Board Certified DermatologistDr. Lydia Evans’ mom Lydia Evans (left) and her mother in law, Charlotte Toback. Writes Dr. Evans: “My hope is that I can live my life with the same compassion and integrity  as these two beautiful women.”