By Barbara Bernstein, PhD, MPH, The Mental Health Association of Westchester
Some time ago, with my children grown and gone, I finally made time to pursue the photography course long on my “to-do for me” list. The assignment, to shoot a self-portrait, almost threw me into a tailspin. I am admittedly photo-averse, but more to the point, this assignment raised a fundamental question–which face do I show the world?
We all play multiple roles and emphasize and de-emphasize a particular face as we go through our day. Women seem to experience the stresses of multiple roles more acutely than men do, or seem more willing to talk about the conflicts that this engenders for us. Responsibilities of a home, work, our roles as wife, partner, parent, and care-taker of aging parents and family–the list is a long one.
Each of these responsibilities enriches our lives but also make demands on us. We are stressed by the factors competing for our time, attention, and emotional reserves. Stress comes from situations beyond our control–illness, death of a loved one, loss of relationships including divorce, financial insecurity and difficult job situations. Stress also arises from the positive life changes that we look forward to, like marriage, the birth of a child and a sought-after change of jobs. Manageable stress motivates us, focuses our attention, and directs us to get things done but it can also be toxic.
Stress disorganizes us, and if chronic, wreaks havoc with our emotional and physical health. Everyone responds to stress differently, but for many of us, the immediate effects are felt through somatic concerns such as headaches, stomach aches, interrupted sleep, or fatigue. Many of us become uncharacteristically distracted, forgetful, and unproductive. We may become irritable and short-tempered with others, and increasingly down on ourselves.
The point is not to avoid stress, as we couldn’t if we tried. Many of us have developed strategies for managing climbing levels of stress. It is important to explicitly think about these strategies, even writing them down to refer to when we need them. A useful way to think about those strategies is to identify our internal resources as well as our external resources, which include “informal” supports such as friends, and more “formal” resources which are usually professional.
What can we do for ourselves? Take a time-out, get outdoors, go for a walk, listen to music, lose ourselves in a book, talk with friends, relax, breath, do yoga, exercise, learn a new skill, keep a journal or enjoy some pampering activity.
How can we maintain our ability to manage stress?Maintaining good nutrition, regular exercise and sleep, spending time in meaningful activities, giving back to others, and taking time for ourselves are good ways to manage stress. Good nutrition can directly affect mood, our energy level and physical health. Exercise similarly contributes to our positive mood and helps reduce feelings of depression or anxiety. Increasingly, we are hearing about the critical importance of a good night’s sleep for overall health and well-being. Doing for others and focusing on things beyond our own needs improves our overall feelings of well-being and sense of self.
Make the time.Figuring out how to do it all is already a source of stress so how do we fit in stress-management activities? I don’t have a magic answer; note that it was only after my children were grown that I enrolled in my photography course. But I do know that many of the actions that improve our ability to manage stress can be built into our days. Web sites offer five-minute yoga-breaks and relaxation exercises that can be done at our desks. Explore Kripalu’s Yoga Breaks at http://kripalu.org/article/649/. We can weave community service into family time.
Sometimes, the things we do for ourselves are not sufficient and we need to call on others to help us through a tough time. Our first call may be to friends or family members who are reliably available and supportive. In fact, women tend to manage stress through relationships. Maybe what helps you most is to have someone just listen. Maybe you prefer that a friend offer feedback and problem-solving suggestions. The important thing is to recognize what helps you and to communicate clearly how your friend(s) can be most helpful to you.
How do we know when to seek professional support? If you feel like you cannot cope, if you are having physical symptoms, and/or if your own self-help strategies are not working, it may be time to seek professional support. If you are relying on strategies that may provide short-term relief but in the long run are harmful, like increased use of alcohol, non-therapeutic drug use, or changes in your eating habits, reach out now.
If feelings of anxiety and depression continue for more than a couple of weeks, find help. For non-urgent needs, your physician, health plan or clergyperson can probably provide recommendations for a mental health provider.
The Mental Health Association of Westchester has been a leading provider of mental health services in Westchester for more than 68 years. Visit us at www.mhawestchester.org for information about mental health concerns and the ways we help more than 18,000 individuals each year.
Barbara Bernstein, Ph.D, MPH, is a licensed Psychologist who has worked with the Mental Health Association of Westchester for more than 15 years, primarily organizing professional development, community conferences and overseeing content of its website. Dr. Bernstein presents on numerous topics related to mental illnesses and health and speaks frequently about suicide prevention.
