By Deborah Nelson and S.L. Shimer
We met online after separating from our spouses (each of us had been in long-term marriages and had three teenage kids). Although our backgrounds were different, there was a similar “feel” to our online profiles, leading to an optimistic introduction. Almost three very happy years later, we have been asked to share thoughts on building a successful relationship after divorce. Here they are!
10. Know what you want. This is not an easy suggestion, but it helps to narrow the field. Do you want kids? How far is too far geographically? How old is too old? How young is too young? How sexual are you? A mismatched level of sexual interest is a problem.
9. Reevaluate the importance of “common interests.” Much more critical is a “common mindset,” i.e., the ability to converse and connect in other ways (hint, hint). Common interests can be a plus, but they are not mandatory for a great relationship. However, if he is a golfer and you are not, be prepared to spend time alone or find another relationship!
8. “Good Enough” is not ok! If you have to convince yourself that you have feelings for the person you are dating, you have a problem. You cannot force “love” when deep down, you know something is not right. Trust your gut. If it feels forced, let go and move on.
7. Break old patterns. Be honest with yourself. The failure of your marriage was not totally the fault of your spouse. Figure out how you contributed to issues and slap yourself in the head if you find that pattern repeating itself in your next relationship. We often do not see our own blind spots, so be open to constructive criticism from a trusted friend.
6. Be realistic. Jennifer Aniston and George Clooney are not interested in you! In addition to the intangible characteristics that you seek in a partner, set your appearance goals realistically (this point especially applies to men).
5. Take a good look in the
mirror. If you are not happy with the level of talent you are attracting (Tip #6), work out at the gym, buy a new wardrobe, get a better haircut and/or a makeover.
4. Deal with the “focus”
issue. Ladies, all men have varying degrees of ADD. Accept this fact and do not get upset if he mentally wanders off when he is with you. Instead, bring him back with a caress or gentle kiss. Gentlemen, turn your BlackBerrys off once in a while and try to focus on her for an undivided 15 minutes once a day (in the bedroom does not count).
3. Men CAN make plans.
In marriages, some men get lazy and passive in planning activities, and women become controlling and “in charge.” Break this pattern! Once you are through the initial dating phase of your new relationship, men can cook romantic dinners, plan a night out and otherwise act like men. And their girlfriends can cede control and be taken care of occasionally.
2. Simply spend time together. Just because you do not have a “checklist” of items in common at the outset of your relationship, that does not mean you cannot enjoy each other’s company outside of the bedroom, whether it is exercising, finding a TV series you enjoy, or even reading and discussing the same book. On a good day, you can only spend three hours in bed when you are not sleeping, so find other things to do together!
1. Rediscover sex! Whatever your age, if you are single after a long-term relationship, or have been single for a while and not found the right person, you have been missing that “quality time” in the bedroom. So, when you find the right person: 1) enjoy yourself; 2) let the other person know how much you are enjoying it; 3) express yourself and your desires; and 4) focus on satisfying your partner.
Good luck and have fun!
Deborah Nelson is a health and wellness expert who has discovered the link between intimacy, confidence, and food, and uses her knowledge to support women in achieving their health, weight, sex and family goals. For more information, contact deborah@saucywellness.com or check out 10secondkiss.com. Also, look for Deborah’s upcoming book collaboration, a hilarious, yet serious look at how men act in relationships called Don’t Be An Idiot. S.L. Shimer, Deborah’s lucky boyfriend, lives in Chappaqua. He is a private equity fund manager.
